My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.