Now I’m taking a break from joining and revamping fanlistings to watch anime. To help keep my interest I’m alternating between Aria, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Honey and Clover, Jigoku Shoujo F, Kuroshitsuji, Maria-sama ga Miteru, Minami-ke, Pani Poni Dash, and Toradora, though not in that order. I usually try to watch them in the order I last saw them so I don’t watch too many episodes of one show together and put the shows I like better which the shows that drag a little for me. I’m really like Maria-sama and Kuroshitsuji, Bleach and Honey are sometimes a drag, and Aria, Cardcaptor, Jigoku Shoujo, Minami-ke, Pani Poni, and Toradora are usually to always a drag. So I can’t watch too many of them at once, or else I get into an anime slump. Right now I’m averaging about 7 episodes a day. I’d like to get further along with my manga reading, but I don’t want to download anything (except for Junjou and Gunslinger Girl) on this computer and have it get messed up since it has to go back.* Downloading would also make watching anime easier since I wouldn’t have to sit for long periods of time, as it bothers my back. Course lying down doesn’t help much either, as it causes other problems.

My mood, which is always unstable, took a major downward turn a few minutes ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, but it just really got to me a few minutes ago. I hadn’t seen my mom in a few days, sometimes without her even calling (nothing new there) until she called yesterday and said she’d stop home sometime after 8 on Monday. She called at 7:30 to say she was taking a bus to Matt-freaks and that she would bring KFC in 40 minutes to an hour. I was beginning to think she had changed her mind without letting me know again, when at a little after 9 she finally got here. Even though I’m used to it and often expect it it still pisses me off. But that’s not what really got to me. It’s that before she left she said she opens tomorrow, which means she gets off at around 3:30, and wants to go to the doctor after she gets off work. If she can’t get there then she’ll come straight home. What’s so bad about that? She’s going to the freaking doctor! How come every time she wants to go she can find a way to get herself there but she can’t possibly get me to one for over a month when my symptoms first appear, and then almost 5 months after they don’t go away?! Even if you take the whole “numbness every day for over four months” out of it, there are still things majorly wrong with me and eventually the little daily accidents I have are going to seriously hurt me. I don’t care whether she’s talking about the clinic or the place downtown (different doctor) her problems are always more important than mine. Cynthia at least advocates taking me to see someone, but it’s like she just suggests it to placate me. She says “at least you won’t worry then.” That’s exactly what my mom said when she was trying to get me to take the prozac. Even though I refused on the grounds that most of my depression right now is situational (huh, I wonder why) she said it would stop me from worrying. I think I should be worrying, especially since no one else will. And then Cynthia goes on to say “get your blood tested for sugar, and then you’ll know, but I don’t think you have diabetes.” (And of course I get all those “have you decided what to do with your life yet, you have to decide” speeches.) Now I love my aunt Cynthia, but I am so sick of hearing people give their opinions on what I do and do not have. She doesn’t think I have diabetes, MS, and probably doesn’t think I have brain damage either. She thinks it’s nerve damange. My mother also does not think I have diabetes, MS, or brain damage, and is convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also sick of people implying that I said that I do have or that I think I have diabetes or MS. I’ve never said that to either of them, I’ve only said based on my symptoms they’re two possibilities. My mom likes to twist my words so she can add them to her ‘hypochondriac’ arsenal. #$%#$ My toes are getting numb as I speak. For the past few days hasn’t been bothering me. Instead the numbness in my hands has been happening every day instead, right now I don’t have complete feeling in my fingers, the left hand being worse.

My mom is going to want to stay here again soon which means I’ll be on the couch again since I’ve taken over her bed. The couch makes things even worse as I can’t put my arms even next to me. I can’t go back to my room since there’s no sheets in there (plus I want it vacuumed) or anything because they need washed after the ants started coming in early spring. They were all in my room and the kitchen. So I got to go around cleaning up which always seems to fall on me even though it hurts me. I left my room for the couch even before that though because the mattress was bothering my back. My mom says she doesn’t care because she needs her room back, and my mattress is newer anyway. Ha! Yes, my mattress is newer, but cheaper. She got her mattress when we were still in Arizona, and she was buying all nice new furniture for her room. I got to keep my mattress and I got ones with cardboard backing (albeit thick cardboard backing). Then when we left Arizona we left my mattress behind but took her expensive mattress. She just said she’d get me a new mattress when we got to Pittsburgh. I didn’t get a new mattress until around 2 years later, until then I slept on other peoples loan mattresses. And when I got my mattress it was the cheapest one they had and the only back support it has are the springs that poke you. Thanks a lot.

* Mom, ever the procrastinator, still hasn’t done anything to get me further along to help me get a new computer. I have to keep my $200, which was some of my birthday money and some I had leftover for Christmas, to go towards it so I can’t go back to Moonstone to get that cool Chinese like box I saw, or pay off some of my domains to last me to December. That means I’m completely scrambling to try to pay for them and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Even more stress and worries. I really got a scare last week or so when I tried to backup my site. Last time I did a full backup there were viruses in there from the default email address which catches a lot of spam. So this time I thought if I just did a home directory backup it wouldn’t include the email. Well, it did and I had to wait 10 hours or so while my anti-virus went off and caught 2000 of the little buggers. I deleted the file as soon as it caught anything, but had to wait until the next day to make sure everything was gone, since it took so long for it to go through everything.