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I don’t feel well right now, physically or mentally. Because I’ve been so depressed (more than “usual” depression) I’ve made myself not feel well from eating too much chocolate (I thought the icon was appropriate), since that makes me feel better emotionally for a little bit. There hasn’t been much chocolate in the house for a while, but I remember we had some semi-sweet chocolate chips that my mom got to make chocolate chip pancakes but never did. Except in pancakes I don’t like semi-sweet chips, but I was desperate and ate some a couple days ago. I discovered they’re much better when melted a little bit in the microwave, and I’ve gone through 1 1/2 bags of them so far. I haven’t had any more bad pains, numbness, or anything else out of the ordinary since the last time I posted but still… All this grates on my nerves. I’m naturally an emotion person, but this really gets to me. When it’s bad like this I burst in to tears or flip out over anything, and this isn’t even the worst I’ve been. Then little things upset and worry me more. Like seeing the veins in my thighs, legs, and lower back. They look awful and stand out so much. Or all the random bruises all over my body. And something I discovered a few minutes ago. I have dried blood on my lower back, a little above where the legs starts. I tried rubbing it with a wet napkin but it wouldn’t come off. I haven’t noticed anything near there, and I don’t know of anything that could cause it. It doesn’t look like a bug bite, it’s too big, and the only things that touch my back is the chair I sit in at the computer, the couch, and the bed when I lay down. Even bumping into walls couldn’t cause it because I haven’t hit anything sharp on that side. Yesterday I talked to my mom, who said she’d finally take me to the doctor in a week or two. That’s because I’d just gotten off the phone with Cynthia after breaking down when arguing with her because I was having trouble talking again. My mom said she didn’t know what that could be, and I said I had an idea. She asked what it was but I broke down again and refused to say because she’d just ridicule me and call me a hypochondriac. She said she’d never do that, but she’s done it before, ever since all this started. She said that was just because I keep saying different things. I’m so sorry my symptoms are so sporadic. My mom also said that she’s sick. I hope it isn’t swine flu, someone her age recently died from that. My mom heard the woman probably had something wrong with her immune system, and she wondered if she herself did, since she has trouble with bug bites. I didn’t think about it until later because my mind is so slow, but MS is a type of immune deficiency. If I have MS, and if my mom had swine flu and gave it to me, she’d have a better chance of surviving than I would. It would be better that way anyway. I’ve been suicidal for years, but more so now. Sometimes I think it would be better to die than to suffer like this, or die slowly. At least if I got that flu I would die naturally. Then it would be “an act of God.” I thought of it a couple months ago, but if some people take medication to die (which actually doesn’t work very well, I’ve thought a lot about this) I have a whole bottle of prozac. I don’t know if that would kill me though. I heard that helium is a popular method of suicide at the moment, I found out about that on ANN. Apparently if you get it straight from the container it’s a gentle death because you just go to sleep. I don’t think I ever be able to get my hands on one of those unfortunately, but that would be a nice way to die. It’s a step up for the cleaning liquids method (you mix certain cleaning products together and they create a very powerful noxious gas) because that one kills you and everyone else around too. I don’t want to hurt my cat, or random people (though mostly my cat).

Maybe I’ll write about why I was arguing with my aunt in the first place tomorrow. I also have to write about the G-20 which is going to be starting here soon. It’s causing a ton of trouble. But that’s all I feel like talking about right now. I can’t sit anymore, I have to get moving. There isn’t much exercise I can do because everything is so tough on my body, but I have to do what I can.

That’s Entertainment

Eh, I hate titles. Something weird happened today. My mom called in the afternoon to say that she’d see me tomorrow after work. She has off today but said she needed a day away from people and maybe we’d go out on Thursday. That’s not the weird part. She then asked me to check the mail to see if there’s anything in there from school about graduating. So after I got off the phone I thought that I had better check then since I didn’t hear anyone upstairs or outside. I try to avoid people as best as possible since I hate upstairs and I have too much trouble thinking and talking. I looked out and didn’t see anyone or any cars, but as soon as I opened the door someone came around the corner from the driveway. It was a short, dumpy woman with a lot of black, curly hair. Or at least I think it was, since I don’t remember things well. As soon as I saw her she said “Joann.” I thought that meant she was Joann so I just said “Oh… okay.” Then she said “Kayla.” Now I’m going WTF. “Are you Kayla?” she finally asked. That woman really needs to learn how to ask questions right. “No, I’m Megan.” Yes, I gave my name, I can’t help it, that’s why I don’t talk to people. I don’t see the harm in it anyway. “Are you Joann?” No, I’m freaking Megan! Didn’t I just say that? “No, my name is Megan.” “Well, the landlord told me to come to this door and give this (she had some sort of paper in her hand) to them, and that Joann and Kayla live here.” So I just told her, “He must have meant that door then.” There are two doors here, the ground floor one, and the one that goes upstairs. It’s possible, some people are too stupid to figure out that the first floor is the one on the bottom with the windows nearest to the ground. Yes, people are that stupid. “Well, okay then.” She looked and sounded like she didn’t believe me, which pissed me off. I was thinking Don’t take the tone with me you stupid little troll doll. But I just closed the door on her. Then I heard her knocking on the door for upstairs and ringing their doorbell, but there was no one home (which is why it was so blissfully quiet). I don’t know where she went after that. I immediately called my mom and told her what happened. After, when I had time to process things I started thinking. Why would the landlord send someone else, or send anyone at all instead of putting it in the mailbox. Was it like an eviction notice or something? Why would he not know our names, especially since this is the second time we’ve rented from him, and it’s not like he owns a whole complex. If she wasn’t from the landlord what was the point at all? I don’t see what she could gain from it. I don’t answer the door, ever, so if she comes back too bad for her.

I’m watching so much anime now, more than ever. 23 on my watching list, and 43 on hold. Thank God for MAL or I’d never be able to keep track of what I’m watching and reading. I couple weeks ago I got through about 50 episodes of Bleach to make it to episode 63, and finish the first arc. I really started to enjoy it, but I’m taking a break for now since it looks like it went back to filler. I still love Honey and Clover, Toradora has gotten really good, and I’m even liking Cardcaptor now, which I thought was boring at first. I also started 07-Ghost, Baccano, Beck, Fate/stay Night, Gankutsuou, Kyouran Kazoku Nikki, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Prince of Tennis, Romeo x Juliet, Saki, Shangri-la, Shingetsutan Tsukihime, Tokyo Magnitude, Trigun, and Tytania. I moved Tsukihime and Tytania to my hold list. Tsukihime’s first episode both bored and annoyed the crap out of me, and Tytania is freaking hilarious (I don’t think it’s supposed to be), but pretty bad. 07-Ghost is… okay. I think that cute bad guy looks like Schneizel a little bit. I wish Mikage would throw himself off a cliff and take Teito with him because they both get on my nerves. Baccano I’ve only seen the first episode of, but if Emperor Wakamoto says CARORU one more time… As for Beck, I really wish they’d just stick to Japanese and not try to speak English, and Ryusuke is just so unemotional. The characters are really hard to connect to. Fate/stay night got better after the first ep, and Saber is really pretty. I like her hair. Gankutsuou is an adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo, if the count was like a space vampire/demon. Dude is twisted. That’s another one where I can’t really like any of the characters, even though I do feel sorry for the kid, he’s annoying, and I hate the Count even if he makes me laugh. Kyouran Kazoku Nikki is hilarious but I haven’t liked the past couple episodes as much, and I don’t think Chika should have been added to the family. I’m not a big mecha fan so I don’t know how much I’ll get into Evangelion, but I’ve only seen the first episode, and you can’t judge a series on that. But still, the only monster that should be attacking Tokyo is G o j i r a. Prince of Tennis is surprisingly fun and interesting considering it’s about tennis. But if they ever make one about golf, I don’t care if it’s anime or not I’m not watching. Romeo x Juliet is nothing like the actual story. I hear anyway, not a Romeo and Juliet fan. I think they’re two stupid little kids who were infatuated with each other, not in love, and died over it. Stupid brats. I also think they’re putting in names from other Shakespeare stories but I haven’t read a lot of his plays so I can’t be sure. Romeo x Juliet is a little interesting, though it has its moments of annoyance because a lot of the characters are naive or just plain stupid, and they’re constantly doing stupid things. I didn’t like episode 11 too, in fact I hated it. I was just them wandering around being all lovey dovey. It was sickening, and boring. RxJ have already killed off one character I liked, and more might die or be dead already. Don’t leave me alone with those brats! Mahjong is so boring! Even if Fukuyama Jun is in Saki I don’t know if I can keep watching it. Shangri-la has its moments. It’s definitely got more interesting since the first couple episodes. Right now I think they really know how to work their audience. Bore the crap out of them, but intrigue them just enough that they stick around for more. Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 is pretty good, but I’m careful to balance it out with a lighter anime like Cardcaptor Sakura. This first episode of Trigun was funny, but it’s so distracting watching anime from before around 2000, since the animation before that was so low quality.

I’m staying away from manga as much as I can right now (which sucks because it’s so fast to read) since I don’t want to download much on this computer since it has to go back to my school. I don’t want to have it get a virus. But two series I have to stick with are Gunslinger Girl and Junjou Romantica. It’s always been hard to get scanlations for then, even though JJR is so popular. The scanlators for GG are still behind with 64/66 but by the time they get the next chapter out there’ll be more. JJR is even worse. It goes for months at a time without scanlations. Some people on the LJ community for it started translating some chapters, but since there are several different stories with different pairings in each they only do the ones they like, and the chapters are categorized by act not what chapter number it is. So I have no idea where I am in any of them. I think the last one for my favorite, Romantica, was Act 17, but I can’t be sure. Someone put a translation out for 22 and I read part of it before I realized I was nowhere near that one yet, which was why I had no idea what was going on.

I don’t know if I’m going to watch Gossip Girl tonight. I missed the last few episodes of the previous season so I don’t know if there’s any point. Then there’s 90210 and Melrose Place on Tuesday. 90210 started out completely crappy, the writing, the acting, the music, the constant breaks away where there was just music and shots of LA or people dancing, and that lame ass opening theme. If it doesn’t pick up soon I’ll drop it. I liked the first episode of Melrose Place though. I’m with the others who think Riley is a bitch. I knew I didn’t like her the first scene she was in, since she said hated Quentin Tarantino. Then she went on later complaining how her BF played with legos and watched Saturday morning cartoons. Legos and Spongebob rock bitch! I gave Vampire Diaries a try on Thursday. OMG. I hate you Twilight for bringing this on us! And I just hate you. Vampire Diaries was okay but I didn’t find most of the actors or the two vamps particularly good looking, yet all the characters think so. I think they drink too much so they’ve got beer goggles on. The good vampire looks like he went to Angel’s School of Vampire Acting. Unfortunately he’s not Angel, so he should unfurrow that brow and start showing some expression. The bad vampire is even uglier than he is, but a better actor. I’ll give it a few more episodes for I decide whether or not to keep it. Here is my TV list. Those italicized the others are shows I’m coming from previous season, and all the others are new ones I’m checking out. This list feels so empty without Reaper. My poor Reaper!

September 8
90210
Melrose Place

September 10
Vampire Diaries

September 14
Gossip Girl
The Jay Leno Show

September 16
The Beautiful Life

September 17
SNL Weekend Update Thursday

September 23
Modern Family

September 24
Flash Forward

September 30
Hank

November 3
V

MS Girl?

On Saturday my mom brought me a Marie Callender frozen chocolate satin pie, so I’ve just been eating that for the past couple days. I know I should eat some cereal to get the vitamins but I just can’t bright myself to do it. I’m not in a good mood. I want chocolate. The reason why I’m not in a good mood (besides the usual stuff) is because of two things. Early Saturday morning I had trouble walking. I’ve had some problems before like my leg suddenly going out from under me, or getting a pain and then having it stop working, but this was different. There was an awful pain in my lower back practically in the bottom that affected my whole right leg (that’s usually the leg it is). I hobbled back to bed and while it bothered me a little bit later in the day it wasn’t as bad as it was then. Yesterday I finally decided to look up two of my unplaced symptoms. Trouble swallowing and pain in my side (ribs). They’re things I’ve been getting but haven’t been able to place with a certain illness. Well I have found what they belong to, and it’s on of the possibilities for what I have. MS (dysphagia and MS hug). Before there was a good chance I had MS. Now there’s a very good chance. I knew I had symptoms, but I never realized how many. And they’ve all happened within the past few months, most of them within a month that the numbness started. If I do have it I’ve had it for a very long time, because a few of these things like numbness, balance problems, side pain started happening a few years ago. The first time I had numbness in my hand that wouldn’t go away was the 8th grade. My hand was numb for several hours at school. It bothered me then and I tried to see the school nurse but there were like 20 kids in there (all skipping class) so I didn’t get to see her. I thought at the time that it might be carpal tunnel since I did have pain in my hands/wrists/arms before. Then after a few hours it went away and it didn’t come back (until March of this year). Incidentally it was in my left hand then too. I had occasional numbness in my toes (the same ones it bothers now) between 7-9th grade. Then it went away and didn’t come back. I first had that pain in my side when I was almost 16. All of a sudden there was a pain in my ribs in my left side and I had trouble breathing. After 5 minutes or so it went away, and while I had some discomfort there over the years it didn’t bother me again… until this spring. And all that in itself is one of the signs of MS, and one of the reasons it is so hard to catch. It happens so randomly, and symptoms appear then disappear. Like the past couple months my toes had started bothering me a lot and I was having less numbness in my arms, then the toes stopped and the numbness in my hands started again while I was trying to sleep, toes started bothering me again, and now besides the usual slight numbness in the tips of some of my fingers (particularly the index of the left hand – the one that started it all) neither is bothering me. It’s been like that since late March. Sudden pain here, numbness there, there’s no method to it.

So here are all the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. I experienced most of them sometime within a month of the major numbness first starting at the end of March when I had constant numbness in my hand(s) for several weeks. Eye pain: to my knowledge this only happened once for a couple days at most, and it probably happened a 1-2 months after the numbness started. It hurt pretty much consistently with at least a dull pain though more when it moved. Flashing lights/vision: because I have other eye trouble and I’m so used to eye trouble it’s hard to tell how often this happens, but I have noticed it occasionally. Another eye problem I get that I can’t place is static. I see “through” dots a lot of the time, which are like static on a television (when there are black and white dots and it goes cshhhh… I don’t know if that’s a problem or if it’s normal. There’s also another vision thing that bothers me but I don’t know how to describe it so I’ll just leave it out. Fatigue: This is one of the big ones. I’ve always been a tired person, but I’ve never been so completely exhausted before. It doesn’t matter if I get a good amount of sleep I’m always completely wiped out. I’ve been trying to have better posture since all this started happening, but sometimes I don’t even have the energy to sit up straight. The other day when I was playing with the cat I was on my stomach and I had to try several times to push myself back up because I just couldn’t do it. I’ve also been trying to exercise since this started, just to get the blood flowing in case it’s a problem with circulation (as well as MS, or something else), but I’ve become less and less able. Standing and moving… uh. Pain: A big one, but thankfully it’s usually short periods of extreme pain, or short-long periods of mild-dull pain. Mostly it’s just random sharp pains all over my body. I also experience a lot of headaches. I have for a few years, but the degree of pain that comes with them has risen sharply. I’ve also started getting migraines, which I never did before until a few months ago. Like I said before I get pain in my left side that started again in April and from then on came and went in different extremes. It also once appeared in the same area but in my back, and once, briefly in my right side. This could be what’s called the MS hug. One time, and it never happened again, I had a horrible, shooting pain that started somewhere in the bottom of my head/top of my neck, then shot all the way down my spine/back and through my leg. That could be what’s called L’hermitte’s sign. Other things classified as “pain” are numbness – big time, but where it is and how bad it is is random, though it hasn’t been as bad as it was when it first started. Pins and needles – I haven’t had this too bad for a couple months, but at it’s height it was in the pads my feet for hours-days at a time. Other pain I have is aching in my entire back/neck/shoulders and I don’t know if that’s a symptom of MS or not. I have that pretty much all of the time, but of course it’s worse when I’m sitting. Spasms/jerks: I don’t usually get this, but it has happened a few times where my leg just jerks suddenly. I don’t know if it would be classified under this, but the only thing I do get a lot is nerves jumping. Sometimes it seems like there is always a nerve jumping somewhere whether it’s my leg, stomach, side, or eye. Cognitive: This is a big problem for me. I have trouble remembering everything. I’ll be in the middle of saying something when I forget a word, and sometimes forget what I was even saying/talking about. This makes my mom angry a lot. Once I was talking to her about something and I stopped in the middle of it and was just staring at what was in my hand. It was like that for a while and my mom was like “well?!” and I yelled at her that I was trying to figure out what I was holding. It was the telephone. I always forget what I’m doing, and most of the time I can’t remember again. I know some forgetfulness is normal, but this happens every day all day long. I also have trouble concentrating. I can’t concentrate on anything, even things I care about like anime. Other things contribute to this, like being exhausted. Another thing is processing time. It takes me so long to figure things out. I notice this most when I’m trying to cross the street. It’s been hard for me for a while (and it’s only getting worse) to figure out how far cars are away (I also might have trouble judging distance due to my eye problems) and once I figure out how far away it is it’s moved. It takes me longer to notice things. When I walked up to meet my mom some place a few months ago I almost got hit by a car and mauled by two dogs (there’s always dogs trying to leap over fences around here) because I just didn’t realize they were there until they were just feet (car) and inches (dog) away. Luckily the person driving the car was faster than I am at processing information (though it doesn’t help that they were probably speeding) because that’s the closest I’ve ever come to being hit. There could be other things, but can’t remember. Speech: This, like the last one and the next one, is a big problem and like those is one of the reasons I don’t go out by myself (except occasionally up the hill and around the corner to my aunts). I have a lot of trouble talking. It’s bad enough that I’m a shy person, but I have trouble putting words together. You can even tell it by my writing that it’s pretty messy and not put together right. I used to be a really good writer and enjoyed it but now it’s so difficult. I’m still a better writer than I am at talking, my speech is even worse. I can’t think of the right words or put them in the way I want them to. With forgetting things and everything, it’s just too much. I also talk too quietly sometimes, another thing my mom complains about. Balance/coordination: My balance and coordination are very bad. I walk into walls. I suddenly start falling down for no reason. Every time I take a shower I almost fall down (I end up hitting the wall) because I just can’t balance even just standing. I’m all over the place when I walk. Last time I went up to Cynthia’s I left the house and started to go up the hill and almost went off the sidewalk and into the street. I can’t walk straight so I swerve all around, that time I found myself in the gutter. Luckily there weren’t any cars around and I noticed what I was doing. Swallowing: I’ve had trouble swallowing since April. It started with a biscuit that got stuck in my throat. It got so bad that for a time I was barely eating at all, only a couple bites of food a day since nothing I would eat would go down right. It did get better, though it varies. Sometimes I don’t have any trouble, sometimes I cough/choke. I’m still not eating a lot now because every time I take a bite of something I have to drink something to make sure it goes down. So I’m getting more liquids than solids. Pop works best but I rarely drink that now, then milk which is my preference. Water is the worst. Dizziness/vertigo: The former is something that happens a lot and has been for a few years. It can get pretty bad. I rarely ever get the latter, but when I do I’m usually laying down and it’s very bad. Other: Trouble walking. As I said earlier in the post sometimes when I’m walking my right leg will suddenly go out. It’s like it doesn’t have any strength in it anymore. Once before I got a sharp pain my lower back and then the same leg went out. And of course on Saturday I was really having trouble walking.

That’s not all of it, I left out a couple things because I don’t want to gross anyone out, and I don’t believe it’s proper to talk about such things. All this is even more hard to place because some of it could be caused by (or at least contributing to it) a head injury I had in the fourth grade. I’m pretty sure that’s what caused me to lose some of my sight, since I was actually blind for maybe 20 seconds or so. I really don’t want MS. When I finally get my mom to take me to a doctor I’ll have to get him to listen to me as well, get tested for diabetes, get my head checked, and get tested for MS. I guess it would kill two birds with one stone with the last ones since the test for MS is an MRI. If they put me in the completely covered one they’ll have to sedate me because I don’t think I could handle that. I really don’t want MS, I hope it’s something else, like a lot of things coming together to cause these problems. Even though MS is “treatable” it looks like most people do end up at least walking with a cane if not paralyzed. If I do have MS I might have to go to the hospital once a week to get an IV. Getting bloodwork done is bad enough, I can’t imagine what an IV is like. I can’t take pills… And it would mean I’ve had it for around 7 years. That would mean everything since then was leading up to this. I don’t know if it’s something you’re born with or if it’s just something that just develops on its own. If it’s something you’re born with and it develops later on that would mean my whole life was leading up to this. Having MS would mean my body is attacking itself. I don’t want this.