Posted by Megan on September 20th, 2009
Filed under: General

I don’t feel well right now, physically or mentally. Because I’ve been so depressed (more than “usual” depression) I’ve made myself not feel well from eating too much chocolate (I thought the icon was appropriate), since that makes me feel better emotionally for a little bit. There hasn’t been much chocolate in the house for a while, but I remember we had some semi-sweet chocolate chips that my mom got to make chocolate chip pancakes but never did. Except in pancakes I don’t like semi-sweet chips, but I was desperate and ate some a couple days ago. I discovered they’re much better when melted a little bit in the microwave, and I’ve gone through 1 ^1/2 bags of them so far. I haven’t had any more bad pains, numbness, or anything else out of the ordinary since the last time I posted but still… All this grates on my nerves. I’m naturally an emotion person, but this really gets to me. When it’s bad like this I burst in to tears or flip out over anything, and this isn’t even the worst I’ve been. Then little things upset and worry me more. Like seeing the veins in my thighs, legs, and lower back. They look awful and stand out so much. Or all the random bruises all over my body. And something I discovered a few minutes ago. I have dried blood on my lower back, a little above where the legs starts. I tried rubbing it with a wet napkin but it wouldn’t come off. I haven’t noticed anything near there, and I don’t know of anything that could cause it. It doesn’t look like a bug bite, it’s too big, and the only things that touch my back is the chair I sit in at the computer, the couch, and the bed when I lay down. Even bumping into walls couldn’t cause it because I haven’t hit anything sharp on that side. Yesterday I talked to my mom, who said she’d finally take me to the doctor in a week or two. That’s because I’d just gotten off the phone with Cynthia after breaking down when arguing with her because I was having trouble talking again. My mom said she didn’t know what that could be, and I said I had an idea. She asked what it was but I broke down again and refused to say because she’d just ridicule me and call me a hypochondriac. She said she’d never do that, but she’s done it before, ever since all this started. She said that was just because I keep saying different things. I’m so sorry my symptoms are so sporadic. My mom also said that she’s sick. I hope it isn’t swine flu, someone her age recently died from that. My mom heard the woman probably had something wrong with her immune system, and she wondered if she herself did, since she has trouble with bug bites. I didn’t think about it until later because my mind is so slow, but MS is a type of immune deficiency. If I have MS, and if my mom had swine flu and gave it to me, she’d have a better chance of surviving than I would. It would be better that way anyway. I’ve been suicidal for years, but more so now. Sometimes I think it would be better to die than to suffer like this, or die slowly. At least if I got that flu I would die naturally. Then it would be “an act of God.” I thought of it a couple months ago, but if some people take medication to die (which actually doesn’t work very well, I’ve thought a lot about this) I have a whole bottle of prozac. I don’t know if that would kill me though. I heard that helium is a popular method of suicide at the moment, I found out about that on ANN. Apparently if you get it straight from the container it’s a gentle death because you just go to sleep. I don’t think I ever be able to get my hands on one of those unfortunately, but that would be a nice way to die. It’s a step up for the cleaning liquids method (you mix certain cleaning products together and they create a very powerful noxious gas) because that one kills you and everyone else around too. I don’t want to hurt my cat, or random people (though mostly my cat).

Maybe I’ll write about why I was arguing with my aunt in the first place tomorrow. I also have to write about the G-20 which is going to be starting here soon. It’s causing a ton of trouble. But that’s all I feel like talking about right now. I can’t sit anymore, I have to get moving. There isn’t much exercise I can do because everything is so tough on my body, but I have to do what I can.

Tags: Health, life, mom