Monday’s Child

A lot of the time I think “I am 19 and falling apart. I am 19 and have the body of a 50 year-old! How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? I don’t want this!” And then I remember that I was 18 when this started. So I was 18 and falling apart. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve had trouble for so many years. I already had trouble speaking because of my shyness, but I noticed something else. There was something really wrong with my ability to talk. But I couldn’t talk about because, well, I have trouble talking, and I couldn’t explain it anyway. No one would understand. But at least I could still write. I was able to write clearly and get my feelings and thoughts across, even if still nobody cared, I could. Then it just got harder and harder to do that. Until now when I barely write at all anymore, besides blogs, posts, and comments. And it’s not the same. This isn’t how I used to write. I used to be so much better than this. It used to mean so much to me. And then I think “Why is everything slipping away from me?” Because it isn’t just the 50 year-olds body I have, it’s the mind too.

I am so worried right now. That’s nothing new, I’m a worrisome person by nature, I worry about everything. But this is extreme. It’s just a couple days until I go to the doctor. I’m anxious about many different things. I have trouble talking in general but I am also very shy, which doesn’t help. So trouble talking + talking to strangers = a big mess. I’m worried about not being listened to or taken seriously, since that happened with the last doctor I went to, as well as my family. Of course I’m worried about the actual tests. And I’m also worried about all this happening too late. I will probably definitely be tested for diabetes since it’s the easiest, and he might be able to do it in his office, since that’s only taking blood. But then you have to wait for the results. And if he can’t do that in his office I’ll have to wait another week or more for the appointment, and then more time for the results. Same goes for MS, if he does decide to have me tested for it, which hopefully he will. That’ll be another week or more for the tests, and I don’t know how long for the results. It has already been about 7 months since all this officially started. What if the diagnosis comes too late? If it’s diabetes, well, that’s actually the most dangerous at this present time. You can lose a limb or appendage, or go into a coma. MS, while in actuality is more severe, usually takes longer, and I’ve never heard of it putting anyone into a coma or forcing anyone to get anything amputated, though it does paralyze. I’ve been thinking about this since this all started, but every time I notice something new I get more worried. The something new I talked about was in this post, though I actually didn’t go into all of it, and didn’t feel like talking about it in my last post, since my health is all I ever talk about now. I just said I’d been having pain in my feet. But the truth is it was my toes weren’t just aching, after that I started getting a lot of pain in my feet (around the toes) when I walked. It last on and off for a few days, and I haven’t really had it since then, just the normal brief strange/stinging/numb stuff. But it was at that time I noticed strange marks on my feet. Bumbs on two of my toes, and red marks elsewhere on my toes. It’s hard to describe the marks because they don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Not bruises or blisters, something like it, but not it. It’s also pretty impossible for me to get blisters (100% for bruises, since I’m always hitting things, especially with my feet) since I rarely go out so I rarely wear shoes. After that I decided not to look anymore since it just upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I did today just a little while ago. Now there’s more. They don’t look awful, and in any normal person while they might find it strange, wouldn’t think it serious. But in my position with diabetes one of the possibilities I have to think about this sort of thing. I tried to exercise my legs a bit after I found more today (they’re the only part of me I can exercise), but my bad knee was acting up again and I didn’t want to risk making it worse. If it is diabetes I shouldn’t be getting worse. I don’t eat like I used to, mainly sandwiches, cereal, lots of milk, and occasionally a rotisserie chicken, and I’ve been eating potato chips with my sandwiches now since I’m so sick of them now I can barely stand the taste. I eat McDonalds at the most twice a week, when I used to eat it most days of the week, and pop only when we go out or I eat fast food, when I used to drink it every day. Unless I’m out I don’t salt my foods anymore. No more thousand calorie, 90% daily fat TV dinners either. Not a lot of chocolate either or other stuff either. I used to eat all the time, whenever I felt like it, and now I don’t. There’s not a lot of stuff that I like, or can make on my own, and stuff has been cut out since I have trouble swallowing. Except probably when I eat McDonalds, I never break 2000 calories, and most of the time probably not 1000. Because of that and my pathetic daily exercise I’ve lost 20 lbs since April. But I still feel awful, and my health is not improving.

Well, now I have something new to add to my list. I still have to write up my list of everything that’s happened in the past 7 months. Luckily, I already wrote a lot of stuff down on here, so all I have to do is copy it. I’ve been procrastinating in doing it because I really don’t want to think about all this stuff, since I’ve already thought it over so many times every day since it started, and because I’m so nervous about the doctors appointment. I don’t trust doctors as it is, and with it being so hard for me to get my point across, I hope he just sits there patiently and let’s me get through everything I have to. Unlike the last doctor who wouldn’t let me finish, and was more concerned about getting me on prozac. In case you don’t know, all the last doctor did when I went to her a month after my symptoms started, was take my pulse and tell me my circulation was fine (based on my pulse), and that I probably pinched a nerve and it would clear up on its own. Thanks a lot. That was really helpful.

Still… Monday hurry up!

Where’s Schneizel This Week?!

He’s taking a break. I’m sure he’ll be back for my next post to share is hotness with the world again. My mom and I were supposed to go out again this Monday to Red Lobster and it didn’t happen. She called me at 9:30 to say she called UPMC and switched my PCP to a new doctor not too far from here (on my health care I can only go to a certain doctor unless they refer me to someone else), but his office wasn’t open yet so she had to wait to make the appointment. So she said she’d call back later. I went back to sleep and she called again after 2. But she said she wasn’t feeling well so we couldn’t go out today. She once again said we’d go to Red Lobster next Monday, but since she’s been saying that for 3 years now I won’t hold my breath.

I am finally going to the doctor next Monday, sometime in the morning. So I’m going to have to write down everything that’s been happening to me, and what I want to say in the order I want to say it since I have trouble talking. After that I’ll have to get blood work done, and if he listens to me, an MRI. I hope I don’t have to get a spinal tap too, MRI is bad enough. An MRI is where you get in one of those big tube things, and a spinal tap is where they stick a needle in your spine to get fluid out. If I get an MRI I think I’ll have to be sedated because I’ll freak, checking for MS can take a long time (2 hours), and they better not try a spinal tap unless they want to end up with the needle in their eye. I have enough problems without someone sticking a needle in my spine. As if the possibility of having Multiple sclerosis wasn’t bad enough, they have to come up with torturous tests for it, and a lot of them, since there isn’t any one thing that shows you have it.

I finally cleared out my manga list and moved a ton of stuff to on hold, so now there’s only 15 on reading for now. I’m going to start Kobato., Kuroshitsuji, Darker Than Black Shikkoku no Hana, Monster, Honey and Clover, Kimi ni Todoke, NANA, Nyan Koi, Prince of Tennis, and some others. I have started Cardcaptor Sakura, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Hellsing, am continuing with Skip Beat!, Bleach, Minami-ke. I wish I could continue with Junjou and Gunslinger but still no new scanlated chapters for them. I just couldn’t hold off any longer, it had been months since I read any manga. But I still have to be very careful. I’d love to be able to download from stoptazmo.com since they have practically every manga ever made, but for some reason their files don’t scan right in Kaspersky. It just shows manganame.zip:Zone.Identifier and then says scanned 2 files no threats detected. I know there aren’t only two files in the zip, and I don’t know what Zone.Identifier means, so I won’t open them, can’t risk it. Which sucks because I lose a great resource since every file from Stop Tazmo says that.

Sites I’m addicted to (besides my dailies): FAIL Blog, I Can Has Cheezburger, Fail Dogs slash I Has a Hotdog, Dreaming of Kittens, My First Fail, This is Photobomb, and Pundit Kitchen. Basically every site listed on FAIL Blog. I can’t help it, they’re so funny. Engrish has its moments too. Here are some of my faves.

Because Schneizel is Hot

He gets to be my icon this time. Haven’t posted anything in almost a month. Just haven’t felt like it, and I don’t try to force myself like I used to. I went out a couple times with my mom to The Cheesecake Factory, and stopped at Joseph Beth Booksellers one of the times, looking for a Stephen King story. I’m so over that place now. They’re overpriced and their staff is so rude and pretentious. You work at a Joseph Beth bookstore, okay, not the Louvre! We were supposed to go to Red Lobster the Monday before last since I haven’t been there in several years, but my mom decided to go out to dinner with my visiting uncle instead. The dinner ended up sucking btw. Then we were supposed to go up to Eat n’ Park today after she got off work today, since it was an early day, but I knew she had changed her mind yesterday when she didn’t mention it. Whenever she says we’ll go out on one of her early days I know it’s not going to happen because she never follows through with it then.

I missed last weeks Melrose Place, Modern Family, Cougar Town, the past two Mythbusters, and the last Destination Truth. I’m probably dropping Modern Family since I do not think it is as good as everyone says. But I still like Melrose and Cougar Town, and Destination Truth has been really good recently.

In anime I’ve made it more than halfway through Cardcaptor Sakura, and am up to 70 on Bleach. A few more episodes and it’ll be my longest series. The current is Monster at 74 episodes, and then Blood+ at 50. I finished my beloved Toradora early this month, and that God awful Romeo x Juliet (Tybalt, Francisco, and Curio <3 though). The new anime season started around that time so I’ve got even more on my plate now. Some I’m really wishing I hadn’t started like Book of Bantorra, Tegami Bachi (sorry Fukuyama Jun!), and Seitokai no Ichizon. Also regretting Miracle Train a little bit, but I knew what I was getting myself into there so it’s my own damn fault. I’m liking Kobato. and Nyan Koi, Kimi ni Todoke is okay, but Darker than BLACK 2 is really going down in points since they’re killing off all the original characters. It’s just Hei (looking really ugly) and a little bit of Kirihara until they kill her off, then we’ll be left with Hei x stupid Russian Mary Sue loli, and all the new people. The other anime that I’m liking… well Bleach and Cardcaptor. I’ve really grown attached to them, it surprised me how much I started liking Bleach. It really is just a likable anime with lots of likable characters. Rented Memories of Nobody through Netflix, it was fun. I like Honey and Clover, but not as much right now as I did when I first started it (same with Kyouran Kazoku Nikki, though that’s “don’t like very much at all right now), and Prince of Tennis, Trigun. Fate/stay Night is okay, it’s the next most liked. Shangri-la is eh, but I can’t move forward in it because I’m having trouble finding the episodes. The only thing I like about Beck right now is the opening theme. Saki… omg, I’m pretty sure I said this before about this anime, but Mahjong is so boring! And since I’m not yuri inclined or a guy, no amount of big breasted, short skirted lolis can make it interesting for me. Maybe if it was a Mahjong death match then it’d be interesting (or some hot open shirted guys with some bishies thrown in for good measure, either way). The first Gundam and Evangelion… so not a mecha fan. 07-Ghost can be okay sometimes. At least Ayanami is hot, and sort of looks like Schneizel, so that distracts me enough to forget the show isn’t that great, and keeps me coming back. Unfortunately that was the same problem I had with Romeo x Juliet. Damn you hot anime guys!

I really, really want to continue with my manga. No new scanlations of Gunslinger Girl or Junjou Romantica have come out yet (I hate you scanlators) but there’s lot’s of others I want to get on with, and some I want to start. I might just give up trying to wait for a different computer and start again anyway.

Hmm, health wise there haven’t been any major developments except my toes have started aching most of the time, and I’ve had trouble walking after getting out of bed. It’s not like it’s numb really, but like it has no strength in it at all.

And lastly, aren’t my dragons cute? The last two might be dead soon since they’re not growing up fast enough. It’s going to take my other eggs a while to hatch, and my Pokemon egg who knows how long to hatch, since they have to be feed/clicked/page viewed/walked and it takes a lot of it. I don’t know what the Pokemon will be, but I know what the other eggs will be here, here, here, and here. Aren’t they cute? The first one sort of looks like a panda. I’d also like a Mo, and maybe a Bunthoff (got one!). Too bad you can’t see what you’re getting. I already ended up with two Punbundu because of that.