Last Post

So this is supposed to be my last day online. Really this time. My mom finally got the flash drives on Thursday and got them to me on Friday. 50 some dollars for two 8 GB at Best Buy. They’re half that online. So since I had got everything I needed backed up down from 25 to 20 to 19 and then only had 16 GB I had to get zipping and uploading again. So some of my stuff might not be there when I get a computer because it didn’t zip right, or didn’t upload right, or MU decided to delete it. I knew they wouldn’t actually fit 8 GB each, but I still thought it would be enough after I got them both under 8 GB. Nope. The first one fit 7.80 GB and the second on 7.30. So I had to delete some of my precious Code Geass episodes, and over 630 MB of music. While trying to upload everything I kept getting “undefined” and “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable” errors. This is driving me crazy. You can’t upload the same file twice, and it knows even if you rename it because it’s still the same size, so I can’t even upload them again. So I had to keep changing the files so they would have different sizes when I needed to reupload them, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about my music, since they still keep saying “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable,” some on and off, and some have been like that since I uploaded them. Right now two of my Code Geass soundtracks are saying it, and God knows how many other files are saying it as well, since there are so many I can’t check them all, it would take too long to upload them all again, and they’ve probably already been deleted from the computer anyway.

I still have to delete my music and a couple various files, uninstall my last programs (BitTorrent, Filezilla, VLC Media Player, KMPlayer, Firefox). I’m waiting a little while longer to do that since then I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anything for a while. Right now I’m downloading the latest Kobato. episode so I’ll get to watch that before everything has to go. I’d like to get in some Kuroshitsuji chapters too. I was happy to find out that the second anime is actually supposed to start in January, and not spring like I had originally thought, so not much longer to wait. Since I now love adoptables sites I joined Squiby (Valenth too when I get back), originally because I’m getting sick of all the sucky art changes at the Pokemon adoptable site Virtuadopts. That artist and the sites admin both are idiots, and I hate them. But I ended up getting tons of other things too. A few Bleach, a Naruto one, a Lelouch, two Alucards, two L’s, Ayanami, Kero-chan, Sadako from Ringu (who’s already peeking out of her well), other Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Grell from Kuroshitsuji. I wish someone would make a Sebastian one too, and lot’s of other anime and manga ones.

My mom was once again supposed to call the doctor yesterday but didn’t. I finally broke down and told her to get chocolate since it’s been 3 weeks since I had any (and two weeks since my old blood test results were supposed to get there) and I’m still way over the daily sugar limit. But since it’s cold I’ve been wearing socks most of the time and haven’t seen my feet, and when I’ve had them off I’ve mostly just glanced at them because I don’t want to know. But I did see them yesterday after I talked to my mom and then I regretted telling her to get chocolate since they don’t look good. The red and purple is getting darker and spreading, and the spot on one toe that was really itchy (my toes/feet are always itchy) looked horrible. I almost called my mom back it looked so bad. It has various shades of dark purple spots mixed in dark purple coloring. If she comes today like she’s supposed to I’m going to make her take a look at them since she’s never seen it.

Still Here

No icon this time. I don’t feel like looking one up. My mom is taking her good old time. First she was supposed to get the flash drives Sunday and bring them day of. Then she said on Sunday that she was going to get them and would call after she did and bring them on Monday. She didn’t call again and didn’t call on Monday either. She finally called after 6 on Tuesday and said her work only had 2 GB and 4 GB flash drives, no 8, so she couldn’t get them. She said she was going to the store in a little bit to get the turkey she saved up points for (yeah, thanks for reminding me about stupid Thanksgiving) and would see if they had them there. Because everybody knows supermarkets have the United State’s leading entertainment and technology sections. Once again she said she’d call after, and never did.

I’m down three more pounds and 17 more to go. I barely eat anything since it’s so difficult and now I’m watching out for sugar. Yesterday I choked on my Cheerios and a dinner roll got stuck in my throat, so I didn’t eat anymore after that. My toes looked really bad yesterday, the worst they’ve looked so far, my knees aren’t improving, and my hands have started tingling again. My mom was supposed to call the doctor on Monday since it’s been over two weeks and they haven’t called here.

I’ve barely been sleeping. With my health, life situations, and now all this my stress has gone through the roof, I really cannot handle any more. I found out that the DVD player doesn’t work at all without the remote. It does go to the menu, but you can’t play if from there because you can’t select play. I then thought to hook up my portable DVD player to the TV, and even though it doesn’t play subtitles I thought it might through the TV. The first DVD I tried worked so I went and reordered my Netflix list again to put up all the anime I’d been watching. I was happy that at least I could continue to watch anime, and on the TV instead of the much smaller computer screen. When I went and tried to watch a different DVD it wouldn’t work, it kept playing the dub. So I had to go remove almost 30 volumes of anime from my list, and one of the DVDs has to be sent back without me even watching it. That really hurt.

Edit: And the stress keeps piling on, thanks to my mom. She called at around 5 today to say she was going to Best Buy and then to Shop n’ Save (which she was supposed to do yesterday). She didn’t get here until 7:10, and then said she was going to Best Buy tomorrow. So she must have taken her good old time getting to the store because by then all the good food was gone and all that was left was their crappy fried chicken. I guess it’s good that by that time I was sobbing so much I could barely taste it. She left a message with the school today saying that we got the shipping labels and was trying to get flash drives, and that’s why it was taking so long. All I could say was “Please tell me you didn’t actually say that.” She said yes, because she had to have an excuse. WTF. You aren’t supposed to use the computer for personal reasons, they don’t care if you have to get flash drives for stuff you’re not supposed to have on there in the first place. But she couldn’t get it through her thick skull that that was not an excuse, just a reason to piss them off even more. I don’t know why people don’t get it. My aunt says “well it’s not like vulgar things on there” (uh, define vulgar…) and my mom says “well it’s not like you were planning a bank heist on there” and they just don’t get that it doesn’t matter. You are not supposed to have anything on there. Then she said “What are they going to do, arrest me.” ???!!! Yes, remember that “we’ll put a warrant out for your arrest.” Ohhh, but flash drives are an excuse. So many people lack common sense. Then when I went into the kitchen to get my disgusting food I found someone (don’t know if it was her or the freak) threw food from the freezer into the garbage, and I got to put the garbage food back into the freezer. You can’t put things that rot into the garbage when there’s fruit flies. That just creates more breeding grounds for them, and since I’m the one that’s always here I’m the one that has to deal with it. The reason things got moved from the freezer was to put the turkey she got in there, which did nothing to improve my mood. She’s not going to make a turkey here, she’s not even going to be here. I’m going to be all alone for the holidays like always, so why do I have to see the freaking turkey! Keep it over there where it belongs. So that’s why by then I was crying again.

The Incredible Adventures of Megan

Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.

Speed Test

There was a post on AOST about it, so I looked up my internet’s speed stats on Speedtest.net. What idiots rated Comcast 3.4/5? I gave them one star. I checked in lower in both state and nation ISP tests. My internet speed varies a lot. Somtimes when I download a large MKV file my internet cuts out and usually doesn’t start working again until I restart the computer. I don’t know if it’s a problem with Comcast, Firefox, or the computer, because then I get an error when I try to open task manager.

I expected Japan to be number one but I was wrong. Korea is beating Japan right now with download speeds 22.08/16.20, and Lithuania (huh?) is beating Japan in upload speeds with 9.04/7.27. The United States is ranked 29 and 31.

So Went to the Doctor

The following has a lot of ranting and swearing, so if you’re going to whine and bitch about me being angry or something don’t read it. Do the world a favor and go kill yourself instead. Still, I’ve placed a cut off where it gets really bad, so you don’t see it unless you click “more.”

Like I said before I haven’t really been in the mood to blog for a few weeks now. I can’t even bring myself to watch any anime or read any manga. I went to the doctor on Monday. I was really unsure about it when I saw it because it’s not in an actual building or anything, and from the outside it looks like a house. Well, it probably was a house and was remodeled. That place is surprisingly busy though. We waited for a while an my mom went in first, then a while later me. I talked to the nurse a little and she checked my height/weight, blood pressure (110/45 I think), and my pulse. She was shocked by my pulse and asked if it was always that fast. It is, I have the heartbeat of a hummingbird. I’m sure that isn’t good. I had to wait even longer for the doctor. I guess the room I was in is also where a lot of supplies are kept supplies in because the nurse and some med student kept going in and out. The med student was getting a needle ready for something, I guess someone was getting a shot. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of that. The nurse kept saying “no, no, you’ll bend the needle” and “you have to get the air bubbles!” and “cap the needle, you can’t walk around with it like that.” I’m surprise the person survived it. When the doctor came in the med student followed, which I was not happy about. You should have to consent to it. Even if she is a student I don’t think she has any right to listen in on my conversation with a doctor. Don’t confidentiality laws cover that? He let me basically say everything I wanted to, but I felt really rushed. It’s difficult enough talking to people I know, extremely difficult to strangers, and with an audience? I ended up missing a lot because I wasn’t able to go calmly through my list. He even let the girl use me as a guinea pig. The doctor checked my eyes and apparently there could be something wrong with them. Then had her check my eyes, and she said something about discoloration. When he did my reflexes (knees, arm, and achilles) he let her to my heel too. And he listened to my heart, breathing. He told me to take a deep breath but honestly it wasn’t that deep, since I was having trouble breathing well at that time (I do sometimes).

He’s having me get an MRI and a CT Scan, but he’s waiting until he gets my old blood test results before he’ll have me get others, since I don’t know everything they tested. I do know they did not check my sugar. So now I’ve got to wait a week for that before he’ll order more tests. Then my mom doesn’t have off a weekday next week so I’ll have to wait until the week after that to go to the hospital. This is ridiculous. She should have explained the situation and asked off for a day next week, instead of making me wait even longer. Why can’t people realize this is serious?!! At this point it’s the diabetes test I desperately need. I’ve temporarily cut all sugar out of my diet until I know whether or not I have it so I don’t make things worse. They’re still getting worse on their own. My feet are continuing to get more discolored. Mostly it’s just a deep maroon sort of color, but I had noticed some other brown dots inside them. Now instead of brown dots inside of the red, they’re just brown small spots. I noticed today when I got a pain in one of my toes, and I reached down to touch it. The area was really hard, so I took of my sock to look at it and there the brown spots were. I checked the other marks on my toes to see if any of them were hard, and one was too. There’s also constant sort of numb feeling on the top of my foot in front of the toes, and a feeling that’s sort of like when it’s going to get numb in the actual toes. This started happening in the last two weeks of October and is only getting worse. If this is diabetes and my toes are changing color due to a lack of blood flow I could lose them if I don’t get help like now. But as always no one will do anything. And that’s not the only thing, knowing my mom even if my toes do start getting black she won’t take me to the hospital right away, and I’ll end up losing my whole foot! I better not have diabetes and I better not lose any of my toes, or I’ll smash all hers and that freaking doctors for letting it happen. And then Cynthia tells me that I shouldn’t worry, I just shouldn’t think about it, that even people who have diabetes can eat sugar, and that the doctors will find out what’s wrong with me and fix it, then I can go to school and get a job because I have to help out around here. Okay let’s start with her first fucking stupid statement. I am so sick of people telling me not to worry and telling me how to feel. Of course I’m worried about it, and I should be! Any normal person would be worried, and anyone who wouldn’t is a fucking freak who doesn’t deserve to breathe. They should just die! Those happy-go-lucky optimistic people are so sickening, they need a good dose of reality! Second, sure people with diabetes can eat sugar once in a while, just not a lot of it. But not when their toes are about to fall off!!!! Why can’t anyone figure out with their tiny, stupid fucking minds why I am not eating any sugar when my toes are changing color? Even after I repeatedly tell them why they still don’t listen!!! I can’t risk it! I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it! I can’t risk making the situation worse, or speeding up the process of my toes/feet get amputated. But no one cares if I have to since it doesn’t affect them, so they don’t feel like they have to listen. Anyone else who could have diabetes and their toes are changing color and they want to eat candy and drink pop, go ahead I don’t care if you have to get body parts chopped off. But I’m not going to. Then there’s the “doctors will find out what it is, doctors will fix it so don’t worry” crap. Most of the people in my family are older, and a lot in my immediate family have had health problems. Cynthia knows doctors are stupid, worthless people who don’t care about anything but money. Doctors don’t know anything and they don’t care, and 9 times out of 10 they don’t know what’s wrong with you or what to do about it. She knows that because it’s been going on with her for years. The same thing happened to her older sister, my grandmother, until she died from their stupidity because they couldn’t figure out she had cancer until a month before she died. And once they find out what’s wrong with you, it doesn’t mean they can fix it. There isn’t a magical “fix it” pill that makes you better. Diabetes can be managed, yes. MS and brain injuries cannot be fixed, and there’s very little they can do for either of them. She keeps saying how there’s treatment for it now, and how someone she worked with had a mother with MS and she did fine with it and had 6 kids. And they didn’t even have treatment back then. That’s bs. MS is different for everyone, and there are different types of MS. There are treatments for it, but they mostly treat the symptoms not the problem. And most people with MS still end up at least with trouble walking if not paralyzed. She knows absolutely nothing about MS but she’s like everyone else in this family and thinks she knows everything. And I’m sick of hearing from her about how I have to figure out what I want to do and what I want to go to school for. I can barely fucking talk and think right, or walk and she never shuts up about that! I have a lot more important things on my mind like, uh, trying to survive, than that. I have enough to worry about with having to put up with that crap. I am close to snapping as it is already, people need to keep their little opinions to themselves.

Well I feel better now. At least until something else upsets me. My feet aren’t feeling too good though, since I’m sitting. Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lay down. I’m going to go try to exercise a little more. I really can’t do a lot now since my muscles were already aching after the doctors, but I had to keep exercising anyway. Then when I noticed the color on my foot was spreading I really freaked. So I can barely walk. I’m hobbling around here. I think I pulled something in the back of my right leg too. But I have to do it anyway.