That’s Entertainment

Eh, I hate titles. Something weird happened today. My mom called in the afternoon to say that she’d see me tomorrow after work. She has off today but said she needed a day away from people and maybe we’d go out on Thursday. That’s not the weird part. She then asked me to check the mail to see if there’s anything in there from school about graduating. So after I got off the phone I thought that I had better check then since I didn’t hear anyone upstairs or outside. I try to avoid people as best as possible since I hate upstairs and I have too much trouble thinking and talking. I looked out and didn’t see anyone or any cars, but as soon as I opened the door someone came around the corner from the driveway. It was a short, dumpy woman with a lot of black, curly hair. Or at least I think it was, since I don’t remember things well. As soon as I saw her she said “Joann.” I thought that meant she was Joann so I just said “Oh… okay.” Then she said “Kayla.” Now I’m going WTF. “Are you Kayla?” she finally asked. That woman really needs to learn how to ask questions right. “No, I’m Megan.” Yes, I gave my name, I can’t help it, that’s why I don’t talk to people. I don’t see the harm in it anyway. “Are you Joann?” No, I’m freaking Megan! Didn’t I just say that? “No, my name is Megan.” “Well, the landlord told me to come to this door and give this (she had some sort of paper in her hand) to them, and that Joann and Kayla live here.” So I just told her, “He must have meant that door then.” There are two doors here, the ground floor one, and the one that goes upstairs. It’s possible, some people are too stupid to figure out that the first floor is the one on the bottom with the windows nearest to the ground. Yes, people are that stupid. “Well, okay then.” She looked and sounded like she didn’t believe me, which pissed me off. I was thinking Don’t take the tone with me you stupid little troll doll. But I just closed the door on her. Then I heard her knocking on the door for upstairs and ringing their doorbell, but there was no one home (which is why it was so blissfully quiet). I don’t know where she went after that. I immediately called my mom and told her what happened. After, when I had time to process things I started thinking. Why would the landlord send someone else, or send anyone at all instead of putting it in the mailbox. Was it like an eviction notice or something? Why would he not know our names, especially since this is the second time we’ve rented from him, and it’s not like he owns a whole complex. If she wasn’t from the landlord what was the point at all? I don’t see what she could gain from it. I don’t answer the door, ever, so if she comes back too bad for her.

I’m watching so much anime now, more than ever. 23 on my watching list, and 43 on hold. Thank God for MAL or I’d never be able to keep track of what I’m watching and reading. I couple weeks ago I got through about 50 episodes of Bleach to make it to episode 63, and finish the first arc. I really started to enjoy it, but I’m taking a break for now since it looks like it went back to filler. I still love Honey and Clover, Toradora has gotten really good, and I’m even liking Cardcaptor now, which I thought was boring at first. I also started 07-Ghost, Baccano, Beck, Fate/stay Night, Gankutsuou, Kyouran Kazoku Nikki, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Prince of Tennis, Romeo x Juliet, Saki, Shangri-la, Shingetsutan Tsukihime, Tokyo Magnitude, Trigun, and Tytania. I moved Tsukihime and Tytania to my hold list. Tsukihime’s first episode both bored and annoyed the crap out of me, and Tytania is freaking hilarious (I don’t think it’s supposed to be), but pretty bad. 07-Ghost is… okay. I think that cute bad guy looks like Schneizel a little bit. I wish Mikage would throw himself off a cliff and take Teito with him because they both get on my nerves. Baccano I’ve only seen the first episode of, but if Emperor Wakamoto says CARORU one more time… As for Beck, I really wish they’d just stick to Japanese and not try to speak English, and Ryusuke is just so unemotional. The characters are really hard to connect to. Fate/stay night got better after the first ep, and Saber is really pretty. I like her hair. Gankutsuou is an adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo, if the count was like a space vampire/demon. Dude is twisted. That’s another one where I can’t really like any of the characters, even though I do feel sorry for the kid, he’s annoying, and I hate the Count even if he makes me laugh. Kyouran Kazoku Nikki is hilarious but I haven’t liked the past couple episodes as much, and I don’t think Chika should have been added to the family. I’m not a big mecha fan so I don’t know how much I’ll get into Evangelion, but I’ve only seen the first episode, and you can’t judge a series on that. But still, the only monster that should be attacking Tokyo is G o j i r a. Prince of Tennis is surprisingly fun and interesting considering it’s about tennis. But if they ever make one about golf, I don’t care if it’s anime or not I’m not watching. Romeo x Juliet is nothing like the actual story. I hear anyway, not a Romeo and Juliet fan. I think they’re two stupid little kids who were infatuated with each other, not in love, and died over it. Stupid brats. I also think they’re putting in names from other Shakespeare stories but I haven’t read a lot of his plays so I can’t be sure. Romeo x Juliet is a little interesting, though it has its moments of annoyance because a lot of the characters are naive or just plain stupid, and they’re constantly doing stupid things. I didn’t like episode 11 too, in fact I hated it. I was just them wandering around being all lovey dovey. It was sickening, and boring. RxJ have already killed off one character I liked, and more might die or be dead already. Don’t leave me alone with those brats! Mahjong is so boring! Even if Fukuyama Jun is in Saki I don’t know if I can keep watching it. Shangri-la has its moments. It’s definitely got more interesting since the first couple episodes. Right now I think they really know how to work their audience. Bore the crap out of them, but intrigue them just enough that they stick around for more. Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 is pretty good, but I’m careful to balance it out with a lighter anime like Cardcaptor Sakura. This first episode of Trigun was funny, but it’s so distracting watching anime from before around 2000, since the animation before that was so low quality.

I’m staying away from manga as much as I can right now (which sucks because it’s so fast to read) since I don’t want to download much on this computer since it has to go back to my school. I don’t want to have it get a virus. But two series I have to stick with are Gunslinger Girl and Junjou Romantica. It’s always been hard to get scanlations for then, even though JJR is so popular. The scanlators for GG are still behind with 64/66 but by the time they get the next chapter out there’ll be more. JJR is even worse. It goes for months at a time without scanlations. Some people on the LJ community for it started translating some chapters, but since there are several different stories with different pairings in each they only do the ones they like, and the chapters are categorized by act not what chapter number it is. So I have no idea where I am in any of them. I think the last one for my favorite, Romantica, was Act 17, but I can’t be sure. Someone put a translation out for 22 and I read part of it before I realized I was nowhere near that one yet, which was why I had no idea what was going on.

I don’t know if I’m going to watch Gossip Girl tonight. I missed the last few episodes of the previous season so I don’t know if there’s any point. Then there’s 90210 and Melrose Place on Tuesday. 90210 started out completely crappy, the writing, the acting, the music, the constant breaks away where there was just music and shots of LA or people dancing, and that lame ass opening theme. If it doesn’t pick up soon I’ll drop it. I liked the first episode of Melrose Place though. I’m with the others who think Riley is a bitch. I knew I didn’t like her the first scene she was in, since she said hated Quentin Tarantino. Then she went on later complaining how her BF played with legos and watched Saturday morning cartoons. Legos and Spongebob rock bitch! I gave Vampire Diaries a try on Thursday. OMG. I hate you Twilight for bringing this on us! And I just hate you. Vampire Diaries was okay but I didn’t find most of the actors or the two vamps particularly good looking, yet all the characters think so. I think they drink too much so they’ve got beer goggles on. The good vampire looks like he went to Angel’s School of Vampire Acting. Unfortunately he’s not Angel, so he should unfurrow that brow and start showing some expression. The bad vampire is even uglier than he is, but a better actor. I’ll give it a few more episodes for I decide whether or not to keep it. Here is my TV list. Those italicized the others are shows I’m coming from previous season, and all the others are new ones I’m checking out. This list feels so empty without Reaper. My poor Reaper!

September 8
90210
Melrose Place

September 10
Vampire Diaries

September 14
Gossip Girl
The Jay Leno Show

September 16
The Beautiful Life

September 17
SNL Weekend Update Thursday

September 23
Modern Family

September 24
Flash Forward

September 30
Hank

November 3
V

MS Girl?

On Saturday my mom brought me a Marie Callender frozen chocolate satin pie, so I’ve just been eating that for the past couple days. I know I should eat some cereal to get the vitamins but I just can’t bright myself to do it. I’m not in a good mood. I want chocolate. The reason why I’m not in a good mood (besides the usual stuff) is because of two things. Early Saturday morning I had trouble walking. I’ve had some problems before like my leg suddenly going out from under me, or getting a pain and then having it stop working, but this was different. There was an awful pain in my lower back practically in the bottom that affected my whole right leg (that’s usually the leg it is). I hobbled back to bed and while it bothered me a little bit later in the day it wasn’t as bad as it was then. Yesterday I finally decided to look up two of my unplaced symptoms. Trouble swallowing and pain in my side (ribs). They’re things I’ve been getting but haven’t been able to place with a certain illness. Well I have found what they belong to, and it’s on of the possibilities for what I have. MS (dysphagia and MS hug). Before there was a good chance I had MS. Now there’s a very good chance. I knew I had symptoms, but I never realized how many. And they’ve all happened within the past few months, most of them within a month that the numbness started. If I do have it I’ve had it for a very long time, because a few of these things like numbness, balance problems, side pain started happening a few years ago. The first time I had numbness in my hand that wouldn’t go away was the 8th grade. My hand was numb for several hours at school. It bothered me then and I tried to see the school nurse but there were like 20 kids in there (all skipping class) so I didn’t get to see her. I thought at the time that it might be carpal tunnel since I did have pain in my hands/wrists/arms before. Then after a few hours it went away and it didn’t come back (until March of this year). Incidentally it was in my left hand then too. I had occasional numbness in my toes (the same ones it bothers now) between 7-9th grade. Then it went away and didn’t come back. I first had that pain in my side when I was almost 16. All of a sudden there was a pain in my ribs in my left side and I had trouble breathing. After 5 minutes or so it went away, and while I had some discomfort there over the years it didn’t bother me again… until this spring. And all that in itself is one of the signs of MS, and one of the reasons it is so hard to catch. It happens so randomly, and symptoms appear then disappear. Like the past couple months my toes had started bothering me a lot and I was having less numbness in my arms, then the toes stopped and the numbness in my hands started again while I was trying to sleep, toes started bothering me again, and now besides the usual slight numbness in the tips of some of my fingers (particularly the index of the left hand – the one that started it all) neither is bothering me. It’s been like that since late March. Sudden pain here, numbness there, there’s no method to it.

So here are all the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. I experienced most of them sometime within a month of the major numbness first starting at the end of March when I had constant numbness in my hand(s) for several weeks. Eye pain: to my knowledge this only happened once for a couple days at most, and it probably happened a 1-2 months after the numbness started. It hurt pretty much consistently with at least a dull pain though more when it moved. Flashing lights/vision: because I have other eye trouble and I’m so used to eye trouble it’s hard to tell how often this happens, but I have noticed it occasionally. Another eye problem I get that I can’t place is static. I see “through” dots a lot of the time, which are like static on a television (when there are black and white dots and it goes cshhhh… I don’t know if that’s a problem or if it’s normal. There’s also another vision thing that bothers me but I don’t know how to describe it so I’ll just leave it out. Fatigue: This is one of the big ones. I’ve always been a tired person, but I’ve never been so completely exhausted before. It doesn’t matter if I get a good amount of sleep I’m always completely wiped out. I’ve been trying to have better posture since all this started happening, but sometimes I don’t even have the energy to sit up straight. The other day when I was playing with the cat I was on my stomach and I had to try several times to push myself back up because I just couldn’t do it. I’ve also been trying to exercise since this started, just to get the blood flowing in case it’s a problem with circulation (as well as MS, or something else), but I’ve become less and less able. Standing and moving… uh. Pain: A big one, but thankfully it’s usually short periods of extreme pain, or short-long periods of mild-dull pain. Mostly it’s just random sharp pains all over my body. I also experience a lot of headaches. I have for a few years, but the degree of pain that comes with them has risen sharply. I’ve also started getting migraines, which I never did before until a few months ago. Like I said before I get pain in my left side that started again in April and from then on came and went in different extremes. It also once appeared in the same area but in my back, and once, briefly in my right side. This could be what’s called the MS hug. One time, and it never happened again, I had a horrible, shooting pain that started somewhere in the bottom of my head/top of my neck, then shot all the way down my spine/back and through my leg. That could be what’s called L’hermitte’s sign. Other things classified as “pain” are numbness – big time, but where it is and how bad it is is random, though it hasn’t been as bad as it was when it first started. Pins and needles – I haven’t had this too bad for a couple months, but at it’s height it was in the pads my feet for hours-days at a time. Other pain I have is aching in my entire back/neck/shoulders and I don’t know if that’s a symptom of MS or not. I have that pretty much all of the time, but of course it’s worse when I’m sitting. Spasms/jerks: I don’t usually get this, but it has happened a few times where my leg just jerks suddenly. I don’t know if it would be classified under this, but the only thing I do get a lot is nerves jumping. Sometimes it seems like there is always a nerve jumping somewhere whether it’s my leg, stomach, side, or eye. Cognitive: This is a big problem for me. I have trouble remembering everything. I’ll be in the middle of saying something when I forget a word, and sometimes forget what I was even saying/talking about. This makes my mom angry a lot. Once I was talking to her about something and I stopped in the middle of it and was just staring at what was in my hand. It was like that for a while and my mom was like “well?!” and I yelled at her that I was trying to figure out what I was holding. It was the telephone. I always forget what I’m doing, and most of the time I can’t remember again. I know some forgetfulness is normal, but this happens every day all day long. I also have trouble concentrating. I can’t concentrate on anything, even things I care about like anime. Other things contribute to this, like being exhausted. Another thing is processing time. It takes me so long to figure things out. I notice this most when I’m trying to cross the street. It’s been hard for me for a while (and it’s only getting worse) to figure out how far cars are away (I also might have trouble judging distance due to my eye problems) and once I figure out how far away it is it’s moved. It takes me longer to notice things. When I walked up to meet my mom some place a few months ago I almost got hit by a car and mauled by two dogs (there’s always dogs trying to leap over fences around here) because I just didn’t realize they were there until they were just feet (car) and inches (dog) away. Luckily the person driving the car was faster than I am at processing information (though it doesn’t help that they were probably speeding) because that’s the closest I’ve ever come to being hit. There could be other things, but can’t remember. Speech: This, like the last one and the next one, is a big problem and like those is one of the reasons I don’t go out by myself (except occasionally up the hill and around the corner to my aunts). I have a lot of trouble talking. It’s bad enough that I’m a shy person, but I have trouble putting words together. You can even tell it by my writing that it’s pretty messy and not put together right. I used to be a really good writer and enjoyed it but now it’s so difficult. I’m still a better writer than I am at talking, my speech is even worse. I can’t think of the right words or put them in the way I want them to. With forgetting things and everything, it’s just too much. I also talk too quietly sometimes, another thing my mom complains about. Balance/coordination: My balance and coordination are very bad. I walk into walls. I suddenly start falling down for no reason. Every time I take a shower I almost fall down (I end up hitting the wall) because I just can’t balance even just standing. I’m all over the place when I walk. Last time I went up to Cynthia’s I left the house and started to go up the hill and almost went off the sidewalk and into the street. I can’t walk straight so I swerve all around, that time I found myself in the gutter. Luckily there weren’t any cars around and I noticed what I was doing. Swallowing: I’ve had trouble swallowing since April. It started with a biscuit that got stuck in my throat. It got so bad that for a time I was barely eating at all, only a couple bites of food a day since nothing I would eat would go down right. It did get better, though it varies. Sometimes I don’t have any trouble, sometimes I cough/choke. I’m still not eating a lot now because every time I take a bite of something I have to drink something to make sure it goes down. So I’m getting more liquids than solids. Pop works best but I rarely drink that now, then milk which is my preference. Water is the worst. Dizziness/vertigo: The former is something that happens a lot and has been for a few years. It can get pretty bad. I rarely ever get the latter, but when I do I’m usually laying down and it’s very bad. Other: Trouble walking. As I said earlier in the post sometimes when I’m walking my right leg will suddenly go out. It’s like it doesn’t have any strength in it anymore. Once before I got a sharp pain my lower back and then the same leg went out. And of course on Saturday I was really having trouble walking.

That’s not all of it, I left out a couple things because I don’t want to gross anyone out, and I don’t believe it’s proper to talk about such things. All this is even more hard to place because some of it could be caused by (or at least contributing to it) a head injury I had in the fourth grade. I’m pretty sure that’s what caused me to lose some of my sight, since I was actually blind for maybe 20 seconds or so. I really don’t want MS. When I finally get my mom to take me to a doctor I’ll have to get him to listen to me as well, get tested for diabetes, get my head checked, and get tested for MS. I guess it would kill two birds with one stone with the last ones since the test for MS is an MRI. If they put me in the completely covered one they’ll have to sedate me because I don’t think I could handle that. I really don’t want MS, I hope it’s something else, like a lot of things coming together to cause these problems. Even though MS is “treatable” it looks like most people do end up at least walking with a cane if not paralyzed. If I do have MS I might have to go to the hospital once a week to get an IV. Getting bloodwork done is bad enough, I can’t imagine what an IV is like. I can’t take pills… And it would mean I’ve had it for around 7 years. That would mean everything since then was leading up to this. I don’t know if it’s something you’re born with or if it’s just something that just develops on its own. If it’s something you’re born with and it develops later on that would mean my whole life was leading up to this. Having MS would mean my body is attacking itself. I don’t want this.

Watch Me Mood Swing Around the Room

Now I’m taking a break from joining and revamping fanlistings to watch anime. To help keep my interest I’m alternating between Aria, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Honey and Clover, Jigoku Shoujo F, Kuroshitsuji, Maria-sama ga Miteru, Minami-ke, Pani Poni Dash, and Toradora, though not in that order. I usually try to watch them in the order I last saw them so I don’t watch too many episodes of one show together and put the shows I like better which the shows that drag a little for me. I’m really like Maria-sama and Kuroshitsuji, Bleach and Honey are sometimes a drag, and Aria, Cardcaptor, Jigoku Shoujo, Minami-ke, Pani Poni, and Toradora are usually to always a drag. So I can’t watch too many of them at once, or else I get into an anime slump. Right now I’m averaging about 7 episodes a day. I’d like to get further along with my manga reading, but I don’t want to download anything (except for Junjou and Gunslinger Girl) on this computer and have it get messed up since it has to go back.* Downloading would also make watching anime easier since I wouldn’t have to sit for long periods of time, as it bothers my back. Course lying down doesn’t help much either, as it causes other problems.

My mood, which is always unstable, took a major downward turn a few minutes ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, but it just really got to me a few minutes ago. I hadn’t seen my mom in a few days, sometimes without her even calling (nothing new there) until she called yesterday and said she’d stop home sometime after 8 on Monday. She called at 7:30 to say she was taking a bus to Matt-freaks and that she would bring KFC in 40 minutes to an hour. I was beginning to think she had changed her mind without letting me know again, when at a little after 9 she finally got here. Even though I’m used to it and often expect it it still pisses me off. But that’s not what really got to me. It’s that before she left she said she opens tomorrow, which means she gets off at around 3:30, and wants to go to the doctor after she gets off work. If she can’t get there then she’ll come straight home. What’s so bad about that? She’s going to the freaking doctor! How come every time she wants to go she can find a way to get herself there but she can’t possibly get me to one for over a month when my symptoms first appear, and then almost 5 months after they don’t go away?! Even if you take the whole “numbness every day for over four months” out of it, there are still things majorly wrong with me and eventually the little daily accidents I have are going to seriously hurt me. I don’t care whether she’s talking about the clinic or the place downtown (different doctor) her problems are always more important than mine. Cynthia at least advocates taking me to see someone, but it’s like she just suggests it to placate me. She says “at least you won’t worry then.” That’s exactly what my mom said when she was trying to get me to take the prozac. Even though I refused on the grounds that most of my depression right now is situational (huh, I wonder why) she said it would stop me from worrying. I think I should be worrying, especially since no one else will. And then Cynthia goes on to say “get your blood tested for sugar, and then you’ll know, but I don’t think you have diabetes.” (And of course I get all those “have you decided what to do with your life yet, you have to decide” speeches.) Now I love my aunt Cynthia, but I am so sick of hearing people give their opinions on what I do and do not have. She doesn’t think I have diabetes, MS, and probably doesn’t think I have brain damage either. She thinks it’s nerve damange. My mother also does not think I have diabetes, MS, or brain damage, and is convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also sick of people implying that I said that I do have or that I think I have diabetes or MS. I’ve never said that to either of them, I’ve only said based on my symptoms they’re two possibilities. My mom likes to twist my words so she can add them to her ‘hypochondriac’ arsenal. #$%#$ My toes are getting numb as I speak. For the past few days hasn’t been bothering me. Instead the numbness in my hands has been happening every day instead, right now I don’t have complete feeling in my fingers, the left hand being worse.

My mom is going to want to stay here again soon which means I’ll be on the couch again since I’ve taken over her bed. The couch makes things even worse as I can’t put my arms even next to me. I can’t go back to my room since there’s no sheets in there (plus I want it vacuumed) or anything because they need washed after the ants started coming in early spring. They were all in my room and the kitchen. So I got to go around cleaning up which always seems to fall on me even though it hurts me. I left my room for the couch even before that though because the mattress was bothering my back. My mom says she doesn’t care because she needs her room back, and my mattress is newer anyway. Ha! Yes, my mattress is newer, but cheaper. She got her mattress when we were still in Arizona, and she was buying all nice new furniture for her room. I got to keep my mattress and I got ones with cardboard backing (albeit thick cardboard backing). Then when we left Arizona we left my mattress behind but took her expensive mattress. She just said she’d get me a new mattress when we got to Pittsburgh. I didn’t get a new mattress until around 2 years later, until then I slept on other peoples loan mattresses. And when I got my mattress it was the cheapest one they had and the only back support it has are the springs that poke you. Thanks a lot.

* Mom, ever the procrastinator, still hasn’t done anything to get me further along to help me get a new computer. I have to keep my $200, which was some of my birthday money and some I had leftover for Christmas, to go towards it so I can’t go back to Moonstone to get that cool Chinese like box I saw, or pay off some of my domains to last me to December. That means I’m completely scrambling to try to pay for them and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Even more stress and worries. I really got a scare last week or so when I tried to backup my site. Last time I did a full backup there were viruses in there from the default email address which catches a lot of spam. So this time I thought if I just did a home directory backup it wouldn’t include the email. Well, it did and I had to wait 10 hours or so while my anti-virus went off and caught 2000 of the little buggers. I deleted the file as soon as it caught anything, but had to wait until the next day to make sure everything was gone, since it took so long for it to go through everything.

Finally Saw HP6

I finally got to out today to celebrate my birthday. We were supposed to go the Monday before last when my mom had taken off specially for that reason, but she had to go to the hospital for her arm, then she worked last Monday. So I was probably the last Harry Potter fan to see the 6th movie in a countries where the film has been released. I went into it expecting the worst, and it didn’t end up nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was by no means good though, and I was distracted through most of it. We were going to see the first showing at 11:45 but we went out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory first and ended up missing it. So we had to wait until 3. To kill time and to drop off our leftover food so she could hold it for us, we went to see my aunt Cyndy where she works. We were there for a while, and then wandered around Jo-Beth Booksellers. Their manga section is pretty small, only a bookcase and a half, where at B&N it’s around 4 bookcases full. After the film we went back to get our food and stayed there for 10-20 mins. We should have stayed there longer since some bad storms rolled through. We caught the first bus pretty quickly, but were waiting a while in downtown for the second while it was storming. While going home we saw a bus stopped with police cars and down near the bridge someone was being arrested. My mom said there were police by the river too, so someone else might have jumped in. We might be going out again tomorrow with Randy (someone my mom knows) to Red Lobster, as it’s been years since I’ve been there. My mom could change her mind between then and now though.

There weren’t really any good trailers before the movie. Just a mix of kid, teen, and “adult” stuff, like that stupid Shorts or whatever it’s called, Sherlock Holmes, and 9. Sherlock Holmes looks god awful. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything like the actual stories, but it looks even more unbelievably bad than that. 9 didn’t really interest me, but I loved the song that played during the end of the trailer. It’s got such awesome instrumentals. I’ve added it to my favorites list at Imeem.

Out of Hospital

My mom is getting out of the hospital today. The doctor finally came in to see her after 10 yesterday and said her arm was looking better. She begged him to let her out so they are. She’s been in there since Sunday night taking pills every few hours and getting antihistamine and steroids and tons of other things getting pumped into her since they didn’t know what it was. She was quite famous in the hospital because they’d never seen bug bites like hers before. She said she didn’t want to wait for Matt to pick her up, so she might be coming home in a few hours in some courtesy van they have. Yesterday I went out with my aunt Cyndy, but I’ll write about that later since it’ll be password protected.

My mom just go home, with her arm really bandaged up. She has to get a ton of prescriptions filled (7 I think). Apparently they did figure out what it was, but she didn’t understand him, and doesn’t remember.

I also just bought my first nu domain! I’ve wanted one for years, and I decided that while it would be close, I could probably afford to get one now. I was going to have to wait a couple more weeks, but I found a coupon to get $12 off. I’ve been praying no one would snap it up before I got to it, since it was already taken in every other extension: clovis.nu. I got schneizel.org last month.

Day Two

Sort of, less than one and a half. My mom is still in the hospital. She doesn’t know whether they’re going to let her out on Tuesday or what because no one’s told her anything yet. When I spoke to her an hour ago or so she said they had cut the skin off her arm and drained all the crap out, and that she’s tired from fighting the infection. They still got the IV in her, filled with antibiotics I guess. I’m not angry with her anymore. Even though she still should have gone right away, it’s not like she wanted her arms cut open. I didn’t talk to her long because she said she had a visitor, it sounded like Matt but it could have been a doctor or something. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her later or not. She said she’d call but she doesn’t follow through normally so I don’t see why she would when she’s in the hospital.

Edit: She’s definitely not getting out tonight, and who knows if she will tomorrow even since they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. Cynthia just called and said they took a lot of blood again to see if there’s anything in there. Doctors don’t know anything, no surprise there.

A Birthday Post

My mother was home one night between then and now, and I saw her a couple times but mostly she wasn’t here and didn’t call. She also didn’t phone on the 24th but finally did on the 25th. On the day that she was home I finished the first season of The Tudors, and watched Transformers, and she was here I got to send the Netflix back sooner so my next ones will be here on Monday. Whenever I feel like I’ll do a review of both. Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 19 now. She waited until 11:07 to call me since that’s when I was born, and said she was just getting ready to get my cake and would be home at around 12. She actually did show up when she said she would, a few minutes after I’d gotten of the phone with Cynthia. I still didn’t get the cake I wanted. I was there when my mom phoned in the order for the cake so I know she said white and pink, but instead of white it’s a sort of ivory color. My mom thought it looked nice, but it’s not her cake. After she got home my mom called Cynthia to ask if she wanted to come out to eat with us, even though I told her Cynthia had said she wasn’t feeling well. Cynthia told her about Amberly’s (Amberlee?) birthday party which they were having on the 25th since her birthday was on Sunday. My mom thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn’t have to pay to take me out. That made me furious. Like I told her I’m not going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday. And then she said that they’d be paying attention to me since it was my birthday as well and they hadn’t seen me in a while, which is bull. They’re only extended family, cousins and stuff, and I barely know any of them. Some I’ve only seen a few times before. I refused to go, so she took me to Eat ‘n Park. Despite that crap before hand, we did have a good time out. After she took me to a store on the corner called Moonstones. It’s a Wiccan/New Age sort of store, and I’ve seen it for years but never had a chance to go in since I was always with my great aunt and she’s very Christian. A few months ago they moved to a bigger location, so there two rooms and an upstairs full of cool stuff. I saw a lot of things I liked and my mom bought me this round box with a witchy cat on the top, and a beautiful picture frame with a dragonfly at the top and fake jewels all around the edges. I don’t have a camera (I did have a rinky dink digital one but had to throw it away because the batteries were dissolving inside it) so I can’t take any pictures, but if I ever get one I will because I love them. They’re the best gifts I’ve gotten from her in years. I’m going back there to get another Chinese looking box, maybe a dragon box, maybe a pretty green Indian looking scarf (it sort of looked like the colorful things they put over their heads), and maybe a shirt and skirt, depending on how much all of it would cost, and if I could even fit into the last two. After Moonstones we stopped at the used bookstore. She wanted to get Angels and Demons since she just finished the first book, and she got me Rosemary’s Baby and Queen of the Damned. I saw the Rosemary’s Baby movie and didn’t like it too much, but maybe the book was better. Queen of the Damned was a bad movie, and I hate Anne Rice, but I liked one of the characters so I’ve been thinking about reading it. They still didn’t have Stephen King’s Rose Red though, I really want to read that book.

My mom took off tomorrow so we can go see the Harry Potter movie and go out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I’m hoping we can stop at Moonstones again after that. Cheesecake Factory is the only restaurant we have left. We can’t go to the Huddle anymore because the past few times we went they kept screwing up our orders so I’m not going to put up with it anymore. We can’t go to Jamie’s anymore either, which pisses me off so much. Jamie doesn’t even own it anymore, Phil does. Phil is our stupid old landlord. We lost our house to him and now we’ve lost our restaurant. Phil bought into Jamie’s and as soon as he started the place started going downhill. He hired new staff (very rude and arrogant), changed the recipes (ruining my spots), and he even changed the name from Jamie’s to “Cafe J,” so pretentious. Jamie owed him money so Phil took it over. I think the reason Jamie owed him money was because Phil kept making all these changes on his own, and expected Jamie to pay for it as well. When Jamie couldn’t he just took the place over. That’s my theory anyway. We hate Phil, and we hate what he’s doing to the place, so we can’t go there anymore.

Great. My index finger, the one that was originally bothering me, and some more on that hand are feeling a little tingly. I’m never going to get to a doctor. Now my mom is talking about switching doctors, and by the time she does it, and they update my card it’ll be months from now. And I don’t want a new doctor, I want the one I’ve been going to. This is serious but my mom still won’t take it that way. And right now she’s more worried about herself, because her arm is swelling again from the bug bites she’s gotten recently. She’s worried she’ll lose her arm if it gets any worse. Huh, I’m worried about losing limbs, or getting blood clots, or being paralyzed, but it’s nothing, I’m being a hypochondriac. But when it’s her it’s serious.

Yesterday I told her how my only hope for getting a computer is Cyndy, and she agreed, and that she was going to ask her for help. She said again how Cyndy used to have a college fund for me, which I remember Cyndy telling me when I was little. But I don’t know how much is in there, or if it even still exists. She said if Cyndy did still have it I could take a class that I wanted to, like Japanese, or take off for a while. Even she doesn’t know what I should do. We’ll see if she changes her tune. I need to get medical help first, because I already know there are things I am not physically and mentally capable of doing, but there might be more things and I need actual proof.

Yesterday my depression alleviated itself for a while, but now it’s back again in full swing. At least I have something to look forward to.

Edit: Something to look forward to? HA! My mom just called from the hospital because her bug bite got worse, and they’re putting her on an IV, giving her antibiotics, and keeping her overnight. So nothing tomorrow, which means who knows when I’ll get to go out. She told me not to be worried, but why would I? If she was going to die from a bug bite she would be dead by now. She’s probably fine but made things worse by not doing anything about it. This would never have happened if she’d seen a doctor after it happened. No, she waits until she has to go to the hospital, a place where she’d never take me by the way. And yes, I’m thinking about myself. I tried to call Cynthia to complain to her but she didn’t answer so she must be asleep.

No Improvement

My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.

HP HS and MS

Wednesday was Harry Potter day. I’ll probably start re-reading the book soon, even though I’m sure the movie is nothing like it. I have to start Kazuo Ishiguro’s book Remains of the Day first anyway, since it has to go back to the library soon. For the first 4 movies I went to see all of them the day they came out, and I’m pretty sure the 5th one was the first I didn’t see day of. I didn’t see this one then either. I haven’t been out since Jamie’s. According to my mother she’ll probably have a day off the week after my birthday, so we’ll go see a movie and go out to lunch then. I’ll turn 19 in just a little over a week. I’m not looking forward to it anymore than the last time I posted.

Still also not looking forward to graduating. I have to get some more school done today. I only have two classes left, and it’ll be down to one in a couple hours. Then I have to do a stupid graduation project, and fill out some form (with required info on future ed or job) for my diploma. The graduation project is ridiculous. You have to write several different essays about different things like your long and short term goals, future plans, what you learned, crap like that. Goals, goals, goals, that’s something you always hear about in school, and how you’re supposed to make them, and sometimes forced to (or at least make something up for them). Your own personal beliefs don’t matter. I don’t believe in making goals. Sure have some things you want to do in life, but having a set list saying “I will do this, this, and this” is just plain stupid. You never know what’s going to happen to you, and it’s like resolutions, most people don’t end up following through with them. A lot of people don’t know what they want to do for a career anyway, or change their minds, which is why so many people meander through university or comm college trying to figure it out. Me? I don’t care, I’ll do whatever my family tells/wants me to do. Things like job and classes aren’t up to me.

Right now I only have one goal: to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I unfortunately have another possible reason for my poor health to add to my list. I was watching J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life on ABC and she was talking about when her mother got Multiple sclerosis, that she started getting numbness in various limbs and balance problems. It reminded me of myself so I looked up the symptoms. Of course I started getting numbness a few months ago, and I’ve had bad balance problems for years which are getting worse. I walk into walls (though that’s also because I have trouble judging distance) I’ll just be standing and all of a sudden just reel backwards. Now I reach out my hands when I walk around my house so I can sort of feel my way and grab myself if I start to fall. I also have coordination issues, fatigue, and memory/concentration problems. And I don’t just walk into a room and forget what I came in to do once in a while, or once a day, I am constantly forgetting things. I’ll be trying to say something and be in the middle and completely forget. Once I was talking to my mom and I just stopped in the middle and stared at the object in my hand for a while. She got frustrated and prodded me to continue with what I was saying and I yelled at her that I was trying to remember what this (what I was holding) was. It was a telephone. Of course all these could be because of my back (though MS also targets the spine along with the brain and optic nerves) and/or the head injury I had in the 4th grade. And it doesn’t account for other things like having trouble swallowing, pressure in my ears, or the pains in my sides. MS symptoms come and go, one of the reasons it’s so hard to diagnose, though my symptoms haven’t really. I’ve had some numbness in my toes, the next to last, since around the 7th grade, but it’s never been this bad. I get it every day now, along with my other numbness, usually in my leg(s), big toe(s) (when I’m laying down), or arms/hands. I get it in my arms and hands when they don’t stay straight in bed. Even they move in the slightest it starts getting numb. One early instance was when I was laying in bed with the laptop on my stomach reading manga. My arms and hands would get numb from having them on my stomach and edges of the computer. I noticed that problem, along with numbness in my feet, a little while before it all went to hell. Though it isn’t as bad as when it first started. Then my hands were numb constantly. I don’t know if you could call that remission or not. I also don’t know if my doctor or my mother would take my concerns seriously. My mother never does. If I talk to her tomorrow I might mention it. I only saw her once on Tuesday, and the rest of the days I didn’t even get a phone call from her, except Thursday, so it’s a toss up whether it’ll happen today. Now I have to go do some school so my annoying IS doesn’t whine some more.

Insert Heavy Sigh Here

Thought I’d put something up before I went to bed. It’s almost 7 AM, but I’ve cycled back into sleeping during the day again. It’s easier that way anyway. I’m not in a good mood. My depression has been in full swing for days. Usually it lets up for at least a few hours, but right now it’s been non-stop. I didn’t even get to go out at all this week. My mom said we’d go to Eat ‘n Park on Wednesday, then on Tuesday she said we’d go on Thursday, and of course we didn’t.

Today is my aunt Cyndy’s 50th birthday, though she refuses to admit it and keeps saying she’s something like 47. We were supposed to go write 50 on her cars windshield with a glass marker. It was my idea, and we’ve been talking about it for months. In late June my mom found out she’d have to work this day, but still said we’d find a way around it, by going there late on the day before, or the day of after she got off work. Now my plan is ruined, and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I never get to do anything fun like that, I’m at home everyday all the time.

My moms also been asking me what I want to do for my birthday (and like we’d actually end up doing it anyway). I don’t care, I hate my birthday. I’m 18 and already falling apart, I don’t want to get any older.

I’ve been thinking about starting a fansite again. I get the feeling from time to time, but it usually goes away. I used to love running fansites, it was my life and something I was actually good at. I’m not as good at blogging, or running a personal site. But other people, hackers, flamers, bitchy, I’d say practically evil competition ruined it for me. It made me miserable, and it was torture getting online everyday for something like that. It just wasn’t worth it. But still, I get the urge from time to time. It didn’t help that last night I decided to check out HPANA, which made me look to TLC, and eventually Mugglenet, and I saw on the latter an interview Natalia Tena did with the LA Times. That hurt. She’s the last one I ran a fansite for, the one that made me decide to give up fansites “forever.” Anything about Natalia Tena or Clemence Poesy still upsets me now. Not as much as it used to, but it still opens old wounds. That definitely didn’t help improve my mood any.