July First

It is now July. A month I have been dreading, just like I did last year, though this is even worse. The month I turn 19. The month I graduate high school. Not only does the idea of the future terrify me as it always has, for my future looks bleak, but I’m going to have my one joy and one of my most needed things taken away from me – a computer. I remember reading that the school won’t give you your diploma if you haven’t sent all the materials they sent you books, electronics, etc, back in. I don’t have a real computer of my own, just an old clunker, and some even older laptops. I won’t be able to do anything, including pay for my hosting and domains. My mother keeps saying she’s going to get me one and I keep saying with what? She’s been telling me she’s going to get me a computer for years. Just another unneeded stress on top of my already full pile of things that are making me anxious. Like, as I said before, the future. WTF am I supposed to do now? I have depression, serious depression that I’ve had for years and which only got worse over the years until I just stopped caring. Most people have plans, but I a) don’t believe in making plans when you have no idea what the future is a b) don’t care about much in this life, nothing interests me. I’m just waiting around for someone to tell me what to do, and believe me I’ve been given plenty of suggestions. Well, mainly one or two things suggested over and over. But I still don’t know how to get there. I’m seriously unwell, for a while just in my mind, but then I think the damage my brain got in the fourth grade just started getting worse and worse, and now I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me physically, except that I have a bad back. But the point is my mind doesn’t always work right all of the time, like with processing information, reaction time, judging distance, balance. And the physical and mental reacted to each other, and it was not pretty. That’s why I’ve always had to rely on another people. I could never survive on my own. If I had to I’d probably kill myself which wouldn’t matter because I’d probably end up dying anyway. I’m always having accidents, one of them’s bound to off me eventually.

So what do I, this worthless, pointless person, want? I’m just happy with existing now. Before I thought that was the worst thing, being alive but not living but then when my health started getting worse I just wanted to live and be well. It didn’t matter anymore, everything that was plaguing me before. So I don’t think on the big scale as much anymore, of what I think I should have, and what I think I deserve to have. I just want the things that bring me what little joy I have. A computer, internet, anime and manga, my domains, my sites, being able to sometimes buy the things I want and go out to places like The Cheesecake Factory. Because I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. And for myself I guess asking to be happy is to much, even though it’s always been my greatest wish above all else, so I guess I want to be okay. Or at least well. I think I would settle for keeping my depression if the rest of my health got better. Will I get that? Probably not, my track record of getting what I want hasn’t ever been that good, though it’s been a little better recently with the small things, like going out. For a time it was even better, when I was making more money online and could buy stuff online. But Google took that away from me, and is still trying to. So I’m just here waiting right now. Waiting for that dreaded day I finish my final class. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to get there. Waiting for my dreaded birthday. And waiting for my future. I can’t see this being a good month.

Outings

Last Monday my mom and I went to The Cheesecake Factory. The food was so good the first time, we just couldn’t wait again. My mom called the night before (as she was over Matt-freaks at the time) and told me to set my alarm clock because she wanted to leave by 10 AM. So I did, and I think I got up at almost 8. At almost 9 she finally called and said she was running late because she had deep marks on her face from sleeping. We get that a lot. When we sleep, and even when we just rest are arms on things, they leave an impression in our skin. Three hours later she still hadn’t called back, so I assumed she fell asleep and we weren’t going, so I went back to bed. A half an hour to an hour later she called and said she was on her way. I hurried up and got dressed again, and then we took two buses out to South Side. I wanted to get there early so there would be less people, but luckily it wasn’t too packed, maybe because it was a Monday. I didn’t get as much food as last time, maybe because it was later or there was a different person doing it. It was still good though, and the service was great. This time we also got dessert. Their website isn’t working so I can’t get their exact names, but one was a Godiva cheesecake, and the other was a Belgian chocolate with chocolate mousse one, which was the best.

That Wednesday my mom wanted to take her father out as a belated Father’s Day present, since the place she had wanted to take him was closed the day of. We went to Lunardi’s in Beechview. I had some type of spaghetti (most likely linguine) with garlic and olive oil, and both of them had different types of veal. My dish was okay, but nothing special. My mother and Pap Pap mostly talked about Italy (which she loves) and books (which we all love), and he had brought some books so he let her borrow some. One was something like Tales of/from China Town, another a Kippling book (Mark of the Beast?), and the last one which I’m going to start when I get the chance is The Moonstone. I’ve been wanting to read that for a while, since I saw an episode of Wishbone on it ages ago.

Today we went to see the movie My Sisters Keeper at Southside Works, and it just started off bad. We got there a little more than a half an hour early, and though they weren’t officially opened yet, it turns out that on Monday’s they show a kids movie for free. This week it was Tale of Despereux. So we paying customers got to stand outside and wait for about 30 minutes while all the free people went in. When we got in my mom was pissed off to find out the $5 day was only Mondays, although we both could have sworn the woman last time said it was both days. When we got up to the concession stand was and started to head towards the bathroom (because after going out and walking around you’ve just got the dirt and pollution all over you) a woman behind the counter freaks out and starts yelling at us for our tickets. There still wasn’t anyone up there to take them, even though there were about 6 people behind the counter. Then after we give her the tickets she starts yelling at us again that our movie is the other way, before she finally realizes we’re going to the bathroom, and announces it to the whole room. All the floor in front of the stand was covered in popcorn, all because of the free movie beforehand. I’ve never seen such a mess in a theatre before. People are so obnoxious (because there won’t only kids there), and the brats that did it themselves need to be taught how to act in public. But so many adults don’t that themselves, so it’s not surprising. The movie itself was also disappointing. In fact, I hated it, which is pretty rare for me. I’ll have a review of it up at ControverSHE soon, and there’s already one up for the book. Before it there were trailers for Julie & Julia, The Time-Travelers Wife, and some new Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler movie called Funny People. I guess Julie & Julia looked cute (rentable), mostly buoyed by the charming Amy Adams (not to overlook Meryl), and the last one looked like it could be funny (also rentable). Time-Travelers Wife did have an interesting concept when you get past all the other crap, but romance isn’t really my thing. Our bad day continued on from there. From the theatre in South Side we walked all the way to Station Square and waited about an hour for our stupid bus to get there, all because my mom didn’t want to wait at the stop near there. We got to Jamie’s early for dinner and late for lunch so we had to sit there for a while, and we got two snippy waitresses who were really pissing us off. The food was messed up, but I did get a nice “death by chocolate” dessert, not as nice as Cheesecake Factory of course. After that we went home. So that was the last three times I went out. We’ve been able to go out to eat and to movies so much because my mom has been dipping into our savings, but it’s not going to last. I don’t even know when we’ll get to go to The Cheesecake Factory again. I’d hope next week maybe, but I won’t hold my breath