I’m trying to get healthier, working on a treadmill. Going to get more charge of my body. So I decided to buy a treadmill. This expensive tool give me the opportunity to exercise when it’s raining or cold outside.
For the last couple of days, I have felt some anxiety. There are a lot of new things going on in my life. But I think the most responsible for this matter is the way I now look things. I am not looking at the mirrors, but rather go out and search all possible alternatives.
I become realistic, somewhat nihilist and absurdist…I can’t decide which one I’m in. Religion also takes part in this, as nowadays it is heavily influenced by capitalism. I felt that it’s not just a way of life, but also a way to get richer and stronger in life. The main function is not just to be able to communicate with God and with human through society, but also act as a means to get materialistic things. This is sad how religion evolves to fit to human needs.
I’ve spent some quite bucks for new site and several hosting, it might also contribute to my anxiety because I’ve never spent so much money on hosting and domains before. I can’t imagine next year when the billing invoices comes.
According to RescueTime, an app that tracks my daily activities on computers. I’ve spent the most time looking at Facebook. I know, it’s nothing but I like hanging out with my friends. At least on internet I can look at how my friends success, how they react to my status, or how I can learn from other things that can contribute to my success. Well, most of the time it just contains garbage. Mark, why did you create such evil things to make our lives miserable just to look at others success and not your own?
Second most distracting things is in Business category. So that’s relieving. I just thought I didn’t get enough time for doing anything else besides marketing and facebook. I think I just have to cut time for facebook for a little while. Gradually before I close up my account. I said that last year, and it’s still there lol.
Third most distracting activities are uncategories. Just browsing bunch of youtube channels and blogs to see what’s going on to the digital world.
It is said that the first medicine to anxiety is to admit that you have an anxiety. So there you go. I hope I get well soon.
Obviously I haven’t felt like posting lately. I still don’t, but I’m forcing myself to. Today I finally went to the eye doctor. Ever since last year I’ve been pushing to see the eye doctor at Sears because I remembered that he was nice. I just didn’t remember how nice. The eye doctor there is such a nice guy, and seems like a very good doctor. So if anyone in the Pittsburgh area is looking for an eye doctor, go see the guy at Sears in South Hills Village. It’s tough getting out there now, for those who don’t have a car, Port Authority cut (and continues to cut) many of the bus and street car services. We had to take a bus downtown, then catch a street car because there aren’t any street cars that go all the way to South Hills Village for our area. You either have to go downtown and take the street car, or take the street car here, get off, then take another street car the rest of the way. I didn’t wait very long to see the doctor. My appointment was for 1 PM, but he saw me before then (he didn’t realize that until I got in – I was just there so he saw me). After checking my eyes he said the one of them, I think it was the left, had developed a mild (he said something about 2, level, minus, step?) astigmatism. He also said that my current prescription is too strong, and that this one should be much better, possibly even at little better than 20/20 (I didn’t know there was anything better). Since I had checked the headaches box, he asked about it, and I told him I was supposed to have an MRI done, because I’d been getting headaches for years, but that last year they got a lot worse, sometimes so bad that I couldn’t even stand. He asked why my PCP wasn’t sending me to a neurologist, since that would be better. I remembered that when I first went to him he talked about having me see a neurologist, but last time it was tough even getting the MRI from him. I think I know why, more on that later. Either way, he said, it was good that I was getting the MRI because any time there’s a big change in symptoms like that (like suddenly getting the worst headache you’ve ever experienced) you should get tests done. I also mentioned to the eye doctor that one of the reasons I was having the MRI done was because of the bad (in my opinion) head injury I’d had when I was younger, that left me temporarily blind. Since I got hit in the back of the head the eye doctor said it was a very good chance that it caused trouble, and thank goodness I got my vision back. After that we went to the Eat n Park out there, and managed to get a street car going all the way back here.
We also briefly discussed mommy dearest. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, and she hasn’t called in about a week. Last time she called Cynthia talked to her. The first time she was going to the store and wanted to know if I wanted anything. Cynthia told her milk and potato buds. We didn’t hear from her again until a couple days later when she called to ask when I was coming to get the stuff. Since she had gotten a ride to the store Cynthia asked why she didn’t drop the things off here, and that if it stays down there too long it’ll expire. My mom said that she couldn’t have people drive her all over town. Now, maybe that excuse would work if Cynthia lived across town, but we are literally right up the street, on the same street. A couple days later my mom called from the doctors to say that the nurse took her blood pressure, and that the new blood pressure medication she was taken made her blood pressure too low and that she was so dizzy. She also said that poor white trash bastard has a lump on his back, and that one of his arms gets numb (oh, how horrible). So she called for a Pam pity party. I don’t know what made her think she would get any sympathy from Cynthia, for either of them. Cynthia said he blood pressure sounded great, and that she would be happy to have bp as low as that. And as for the white trash bastard, both my hands were number for over a month, and she didn’t give a shit, but he gets some numbness? The poor, poor man. Then Cynthia started asking her about him again and suddenly my mom had to get off the phone because the doctor would be coming. She called again later, and when Cynthia asked what the doctor said about the blood pressure she didn’t say anything, probably because there was nothing wrong. Cynthia asked her again about the white trash bastard, and they got into a big argument. My mom started talking trash about me. I don’t know everything she said, but some of the things she said was that I never do anything but lay around, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I should get over it (the things she did to me). Cynthia mentioned that the my doctor said he wouldn’t sign any more disability papers until I had seen a psychologist, and my mom suddenly became very interested in taking me to get “help”, because she wants the money. After they were done Cynthia was swearing about her, and she rarely ever swears. At the most she occasionally says shit, usually just sugar, but this time she actually called her an asshole twice. Mommy dearest has a habit of projecting. Whatever she sees in herself she decides is other peoples problems. Everyone else does nothing, everyone else is a liar, everyone else is a hypochondriac. Meanwhile, all she has ever done when she had off was lay on the couch watching TV, literally not moving, she lies about every single thing, and is always saying something or other is wrong with her. This summer it was cancer. Even though she hadn’t seen a doctor she decided she had cancer, or “something just as bad” (in her words). It’s November now, and it seems she’s given up on trying to get attention that way. She’s been to the doctor quite a lot lately. A couple months ago her work made her go get x-rays because she was having back pain, and I know she’s been to the PCP at least twice in the last month, because she got new blood pressure medication from him, then went again to complain about dizziness. This is the reason I think the doctor has changed his tune in regards to me, my mother has gotten to him, and he won’t listen to me now. I had to prod him for the MRI paper that he had originally given me freely because of the problems I’d been having. But then my mom took the papers for my MRI, CT Scan, and blood test, lost them, and refused to get more. Then when I finally got there again (she took me so she could get him to sign the disability papers so she could get the money for it) she followed him in when he came to see me, and when I tried to take the papers talked down to me. So I know she’s been saying crap about me to him. All he and that nurse (who seems like a real bitch to begin with) care about now is trying to get me to a psychiatrist, and won’t listen to me. Today I wondered to Cynthia if I should take medication. But a) I don’t think it would do any good, and b) why should I have to pay the price for this? My mother is the one who caused this, it’s my mother who is insane. I can’t stand this mindset of “you are depressed. this is not okay. you must be happy. we will make you be happy.” Oh, and mommy dearest has bronchitis again. But she didn’t get it because she smoking. Because she’s not. Even though she was seen smoking. More than once. Everyone else is just mistaken. You know they’re just delusional, and you can’t trust what they see. She’s not a liar or anything…
I went to hospital and had blood taken yesterday. I was pretty nervous beforehand, and I didn’t get much sleep. I have trouble sleeping when I know I have to get up early in the morning, and I had several bad dreams due to my nerves. My aunt Cyndy was supposed to pick Cynthia and me up at 11 AM, but after Cynthia called her at 11:15 we found out Cyndy hadn’t gotten up yet. Cynthia wasn’t happy because she was worried the place would be crowded, since more people go during lunch and there’s only one woman on duty at that time. I didn’t start getting really anxious until we got to the hospital. Like most people I am terrified of them. Adding to the problem, it was also the hospital Nanny, my grandmother, was in before she was transferred to a nursing home where she died. Walking in the front door didn’t exactly bring back fond memories of the place. Passing all the no entry/doctors only doors (“is someone getting cut up behind there?”) and radiation warning signs didn’t help either. My heart was pounding by the time we got the waiting area. There were 7 other people besides the three of us. The first group went in almost right after we got there, the second woman thought she was in the wrong place and left (heard her talking on her cell phone) and the two women we came in with were behind me on the list.
Since the other woman left I was next, and we weren’t waiting 15 minutes before I was called. The lady was really nice and for the first minute or so just got all the e-paper work done. Then she asked me if I had an arm preference, there was a quick pinch, and it was all done in about 30 seconds. Then we left and Cyndy dropped Cynthia and I off at Eat n Park since I had been fasting for the last 13 hours. I was surprised at how easy getting the blood drawn itself was. I was not prepared for the pain that came after. This was the second time I had blood taken. The first time was at a clinic, and it took the woman a long time poking around my arm before she finally used something called a butterfly needle since she couldn’t find my vein. It hurt a lot more then, it was a disturbing feeling because I could feel the needle inside my arm, and it took a lot longer. But it didn’t hurt afterward. This time it barely hurt while doing it, and it was very quick, but after the pain steadily got worse until my whole arm down to my hand and to the back of my shoulder was aching. After about 24 hours the majority of the pain has finally stopped, except for a bit in the crease of the inside of my elbow where it’s all bruised.
Cynthia called my doctor today to see if my blood test result had come. They had and he had already looked them over. I do not have diabetes, the nurse said my sugar level was good, and my cholesterol is low. With the way I eat I wonder how can this be? I guess my body has evolved over the level of you petty humans and has adapted to handle high levels of chocolate and grease! :devil: However, there was one problem the doctor did see. My thyroid result was low, and he might want to put me on medication for it. I don’t know much about the thyroid (what it is, where it is, or what it does) but Cynthia said it can make you really tired if it’s low, and make you gain weight. I am dead tired all the time and the simplest tasks exhaust me, so that would make sense. I’m a plump girl, but in no way of the term am I fat (it all goes to my ass and my thighs, if it went up top this wouldn’t be a problem :tears:), but even though I generally don’t eat more than once a day or ever consume more than 1500 calories in a day, my activity level is pretty low, and when I do eat it’s usually nothing good. Even the slightest physical activity knocks me out and gives me a splitting headache, and the exercises that I did do ruined my knees. So I basically gave up on that. I’m going to the doctor on Monday to see what he wants to do, and I’m going to try to get the prescriptions for my MRI and CT Scan then. Though if I had this much trouble going to the hospital just to get some blood taken, I don’t know how I’m going to go through getting putting in the radiation space pod for an hour. Just hit me over the head until I’m knocked out. I’m getting it done to have my brain examined anyway.
The following has a lot of ranting and swearing, so if you’re going to whine and bitch about me being angry or something don’t read it. Do the world a favor and go kill yourself instead. Still, I’ve placed a cut off where it gets really bad, so you don’t see it unless you click “more.”
Like I said before I haven’t really been in the mood to blog for a few weeks now. I can’t even bring myself to watch any anime or read any manga. I went to the doctor on Monday. I was really unsure about it when I saw it because it’s not in an actual building or anything, and from the outside it looks like a house. Well, it probably was a house and was remodeled. That place is surprisingly busy though. We waited for a while an my mom went in first, then a while later me. I talked to the nurse a little and she checked my height/weight, blood pressure (110/45 I think), and my pulse. She was shocked by my pulse and asked if it was always that fast. It is, I have the heartbeat of a hummingbird. I’m sure that isn’t good. I had to wait even longer for the doctor. I guess the room I was in is also where a lot of supplies are kept supplies in because the nurse and some med student kept going in and out. The med student was getting a needle ready for something, I guess someone was getting a shot. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of that. The nurse kept saying “no, no, you’ll bend the needle” and “you have to get the air bubbles!” and “cap the needle, you can’t walk around with it like that.” I’m surprise the person survived it. When the doctor came in the med student followed, which I was not happy about. You should have to consent to it. Even if she is a student I don’t think she has any right to listen in on my conversation with a doctor. Don’t confidentiality laws cover that? He let me basically say everything I wanted to, but I felt really rushed. It’s difficult enough talking to people I know, extremely difficult to strangers, and with an audience? I ended up missing a lot because I wasn’t able to go calmly through my list. He even let the girl use me as a guinea pig. The doctor checked my eyes and apparently there could be something wrong with them. Then had her check my eyes, and she said something about discoloration. When he did my reflexes (knees, arm, and achilles) he let her to my heel too. And he listened to my heart, breathing. He told me to take a deep breath but honestly it wasn’t that deep, since I was having trouble breathing well at that time (I do sometimes).
He’s having me get an MRI and a CT Scan, but he’s waiting until he gets my old blood test results before he’ll have me get others, since I don’t know everything they tested. I do know they did not check my sugar. So now I’ve got to wait a week for that before he’ll order more tests. Then my mom doesn’t have off a weekday next week so I’ll have to wait until the week after that to go to the hospital. This is ridiculous. She should have explained the situation and asked off for a day next week, instead of making me wait even longer. Why can’t people realize this is serious?!! At this point it’s the diabetes test I desperately need. I’ve temporarily cut all sugar out of my diet until I know whether or not I have it so I don’t make things worse. They’re still getting worse on their own. My feet are continuing to get more discolored. Mostly it’s just a deep maroon sort of color, but I had noticed some other brown dots inside them. Now instead of brown dots inside of the red, they’re just brown small spots. I noticed today when I got a pain in one of my toes, and I reached down to touch it. The area was really hard, so I took of my sock to look at it and there the brown spots were. I checked the other marks on my toes to see if any of them were hard, and one was too. There’s also constant sort of numb feeling on the top of my foot in front of the toes, and a feeling that’s sort of like when it’s going to get numb in the actual toes. This started happening in the last two weeks of October and is only getting worse. If this is diabetes and my toes are changing color due to a lack of blood flow I could lose them if I don’t get help like now. But as always no one will do anything. And that’s not the only thing, knowing my mom even if my toes do start getting black she won’t take me to the hospital right away, and I’ll end up losing my whole foot! I better not have diabetes and I better not lose any of my toes, or I’ll smash all hers and that freaking doctors for letting it happen. And then Cynthia tells me that I shouldn’t worry, I just shouldn’t think about it, that even people who have diabetes can eat sugar, and that the doctors will find out what’s wrong with me and fix it, then I can go to school and get a job because I have to help out around here. Okay let’s start with her first fucking stupid statement. I am so sick of people telling me not to worry and telling me how to feel. Of course I’m worried about it, and I should be! Any normal person would be worried, and anyone who wouldn’t is a fucking freak who doesn’t deserve to breathe. They should just die! Those happy-go-lucky optimistic people are so sickening, they need a good dose of reality! Second, sure people with diabetes can eat sugar once in a while, just not a lot of it. But not when their toes are about to fall off!!!! Why can’t anyone figure out with their tiny, stupid fucking minds why I am not eating any sugar when my toes are changing color? Even after I repeatedly tell them why they still don’t listen!!! I can’t risk it! I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it! I can’t risk making the situation worse, or speeding up the process of my toes/feet get amputated. But no one cares if I have to since it doesn’t affect them, so they don’t feel like they have to listen. Anyone else who could have diabetes and their toes are changing color and they want to eat candy and drink pop, go ahead I don’t care if you have to get body parts chopped off. But I’m not going to. Then there’s the “doctors will find out what it is, doctors will fix it so don’t worry” crap. Most of the people in my family are older, and a lot in my immediate family have had health problems. Cynthia knows doctors are stupid, worthless people who don’t care about anything but money. Doctors don’t know anything and they don’t care, and 9 times out of 10 they don’t know what’s wrong with you or what to do about it. She knows that because it’s been going on with her for years. The same thing happened to her older sister, my grandmother, until she died from their stupidity because they couldn’t figure out she had cancer until a month before she died. And once they find out what’s wrong with you, it doesn’t mean they can fix it. There isn’t a magical “fix it” pill that makes you better. Diabetes can be managed, yes. MS and brain injuries cannot be fixed, and there’s very little they can do for either of them. She keeps saying how there’s treatment for it now, and how someone she worked with had a mother with MS and she did fine with it and had 6 kids. And they didn’t even have treatment back then. That’s bs. MS is different for everyone, and there are different types of MS. There are treatments for it, but they mostly treat the symptoms not the problem. And most people with MS still end up at least with trouble walking if not paralyzed. She knows absolutely nothing about MS but she’s like everyone else in this family and thinks she knows everything. And I’m sick of hearing from her about how I have to figure out what I want to do and what I want to go to school for. I can barely fucking talk and think right, or walk and she never shuts up about that! I have a lot more important things on my mind like, uh, trying to survive, than that. I have enough to worry about with having to put up with that crap. I am close to snapping as it is already, people need to keep their little opinions to themselves.
Well I feel better now. At least until something else upsets me. My feet aren’t feeling too good though, since I’m sitting. Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lay down. I’m going to go try to exercise a little more. I really can’t do a lot now since my muscles were already aching after the doctors, but I had to keep exercising anyway. Then when I noticed the color on my foot was spreading I really freaked. So I can barely walk. I’m hobbling around here. I think I pulled something in the back of my right leg too. But I have to do it anyway.
A lot of the time I think “I am 19 and falling apart. I am 19 and have the body of a 50 year-old! How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? I don’t want this!” And then I remember that I was 18 when this started. So I was 18 and falling apart. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve had trouble for so many years. I already had trouble speaking because of my shyness, but I noticed something else. There was something really wrong with my ability to talk. But I couldn’t talk about because, well, I have trouble talking, and I couldn’t explain it anyway. No one would understand. But at least I could still write. I was able to write clearly and get my feelings and thoughts across, even if still nobody cared, I could. Then it just got harder and harder to do that. Until now when I barely write at all anymore, besides blogs, posts, and comments. And it’s not the same. This isn’t how I used to write. I used to be so much better than this. It used to mean so much to me. And then I think “Why is everything slipping away from me?” Because it isn’t just the 50 year-olds body I have, it’s the mind too.
I am so worried right now. That’s nothing new, I’m a worrisome person by nature, I worry about everything. But this is extreme. It’s just a couple days until I go to the doctor. I’m anxious about many different things. I have trouble talking in general but I am also very shy, which doesn’t help. So trouble talking + talking to strangers = a big mess. I’m worried about not being listened to or taken seriously, since that happened with the last doctor I went to, as well as my family. Of course I’m worried about the actual tests. And I’m also worried about all this happening too late. I will probably definitely be tested for diabetes since it’s the easiest, and he might be able to do it in his office, since that’s only taking blood. But then you have to wait for the results. And if he can’t do that in his office I’ll have to wait another week or more for the appointment, and then more time for the results. Same goes for MS, if he does decide to have me tested for it, which hopefully he will. That’ll be another week or more for the tests, and I don’t know how long for the results. It has already been about 7 months since all this officially started. What if the diagnosis comes too late? If it’s diabetes, well, that’s actually the most dangerous at this present time. You can lose a limb or appendage, or go into a coma. MS, while in actuality is more severe, usually takes longer, and I’ve never heard of it putting anyone into a coma or forcing anyone to get anything amputated, though it does paralyze. I’ve been thinking about this since this all started, but every time I notice something new I get more worried. The something new I talked about was in this post, though I actually didn’t go into all of it, and didn’t feel like talking about it in my last post, since my health is all I ever talk about now. I just said I’d been having pain in my feet. But the truth is it was my toes weren’t just aching, after that I started getting a lot of pain in my feet (around the toes) when I walked. It last on and off for a few days, and I haven’t really had it since then, just the normal brief strange/stinging/numb stuff. But it was at that time I noticed strange marks on my feet. Bumbs on two of my toes, and red marks elsewhere on my toes. It’s hard to describe the marks because they don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Not bruises or blisters, something like it, but not it. It’s also pretty impossible for me to get blisters (100% for bruises, since I’m always hitting things, especially with my feet) since I rarely go out so I rarely wear shoes. After that I decided not to look anymore since it just upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I did today just a little while ago. Now there’s more. They don’t look awful, and in any normal person while they might find it strange, wouldn’t think it serious. But in my position with diabetes one of the possibilities I have to think about this sort of thing. I tried to exercise my legs a bit after I found more today (they’re the only part of me I can exercise), but my bad knee was acting up again and I didn’t want to risk making it worse. If it is diabetes I shouldn’t be getting worse. I don’t eat like I used to, mainly sandwiches, cereal, lots of milk, and occasionally a rotisserie chicken, and I’ve been eating potato chips with my sandwiches now since I’m so sick of them now I can barely stand the taste. I eat McDonalds at the most twice a week, when I used to eat it most days of the week, and pop only when we go out or I eat fast food, when I used to drink it every day. Unless I’m out I don’t salt my foods anymore. No more thousand calorie, 90% daily fat TV dinners either. Not a lot of chocolate either or other stuff either. I used to eat all the time, whenever I felt like it, and now I don’t. There’s not a lot of stuff that I like, or can make on my own, and stuff has been cut out since I have trouble swallowing. Except probably when I eat McDonalds, I never break 2000 calories, and most of the time probably not 1000. Because of that and my pathetic daily exercise I’ve lost 20 lbs since April. But I still feel awful, and my health is not improving.
Well, now I have something new to add to my list. I still have to write up my list of everything that’s happened in the past 7 months. Luckily, I already wrote a lot of stuff down on here, so all I have to do is copy it. I’ve been procrastinating in doing it because I really don’t want to think about all this stuff, since I’ve already thought it over so many times every day since it started, and because I’m so nervous about the doctors appointment. I don’t trust doctors as it is, and with it being so hard for me to get my point across, I hope he just sits there patiently and let’s me get through everything I have to. Unlike the last doctor who wouldn’t let me finish, and was more concerned about getting me on prozac. In case you don’t know, all the last doctor did when I went to her a month after my symptoms started, was take my pulse and tell me my circulation was fine (based on my pulse), and that I probably pinched a nerve and it would clear up on its own. Thanks a lot. That was really helpful.
Still… Monday hurry up!