Worthless People are Worthless

My mom did call yesterday but she didn’t go to the store. She said Friday or Saturday. She definitely didn’t go today so we’ll see if she does tomorrow. My first birthday card came, from Pap Pap. Last year he didn’t send me one, and my mom said he might have remember this year since he had just been visiting Aunt Nita in Louisiana. My mom also said she’s going to apply to be a security guard at the nursing home near here. I said I thought you needed experience for something like that, and she said she’s going to ask her old boss to lie for her.

She managed to upset me even more yesterday. She mentioned the cake again, and I told her Cynthia said she doesn’t have any cake pans. She said maybe she could find someone else to borrow from. Then I said there was something else she could do for me instead, if she wanted to. The only reason I brought it up, or even thought of it, was because she suggested it a couple weeks ago. So I asked if she would ask Randy to take us to Red Lobster for my birthday. I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it, even though she’s the one that mentioned it first. She probably doesn’t even remember it because she says a lot of shit she never intends to follow through with. She said she’d think about it, and I was sure the answer would be no. Not more than an hour later she called back she said there was no way. I just said fine, and that seemed to piss her off for some reason. She said “you don’t understand, he only wants one thing, and I can’t do it” and that we’d go to Eat n Park for breakfast or lunch for my birthday (even if she does intend to follow through, there’s no way I’m going). She’s such a fucking moron. I expected her to say no, I expected it because she’s selfish. But that’s not why she said no, she said no because that white trash bastard told her to. She’s so worthless. I hate weak people in general, but I really hate weak women. There is no excuse for being a weak woman. And yes, I do know it was because of him. I could tell by the sound of her voice. I could also tell by the fact she called back so quickly. I didn’t expect to hear from her again until the next day or the day after. But she felt the need to call right back. That’s because she mentioned it to him (the psycho bastards name is Walt) and he told her no. I immediately knew it was his doing. After all the shit he’s pulled, and the way he called her all the freaking time. Like the last time we were out with Randy (at Red Lobster in fact) she was texting the entire time. She just kept getting text and after text. The same thing every other time. A call at 12:10 in the morning. Then again at 12:25, then another at 1:40. Or a text. The few times she was home her phone was binging with texts all night long. She’s such a fucking idiot for putting up with this. Not just putting up with it, for allowing it. He even got angry when she kept going to the bar where she met him, like she wasn’t allowed to be there anymore now that she was “taken”.

When I told Cynthia she thought the same thing I did, I didn’t even have to say it. The white trash bastard has been asking to meet her too. WTF. She has nothing to do with him. Like when my mom started practically living with him after knowing him for about a month, he kept asking her when he was going to meet me. Cynthia has already said she doesn’t want him in the house, and she’s angry my mom let him know where she lives because she doesn’t trust him because he’s so obsessive. Cynthia also said we could go to Red Lobster with Karen (probably a cousin, this is a big family, lot of cousins). I told her she didn’t have to. Going to Eat n Park with Cynthia is one thing, but Red Lobster is more expensive. But today she said Karen would take us next week. At least Cynthia is nice to me. I doubt if Pap Pap gave me money, and even if he did my mom possibly took it, despite when she first said the card came she kept repeating that she didn’t open it (meaning she did?). But I’ll try to take some money with me, because I definitely want their Chocolate Wave cake. The best chocolate cake I’ve ever had. It’s warm, gooey, and very, very, chocolatey. But after the entree I’d feel even worse asking her to buy me desert too.

Luckily my cat is doing better because I don’t want to send her back down there. She didn’t go to the bathroom or drink any water for over 30 hours. Then finally she did use the litter box, and drank a little bit of water. She’s gone to the bathroom twice since then, but I still haven’t seen her drink any more water. I’m just going to have to keep pointing it out to her. She’s under the bed right now. It’s so freaking hot today. 91 with 59% humidity, and 75 dew point. I feel like I’m in a rain forest.

Oh, and I saw a planet early this morning, around 1-2 AM. I tried to find out what it was, but there are 4 visible ones right now, and there’s no way for me to tell which is which. It was the only thing I saw in the sky, and it was very bright.

Maybe it Was McGonagall

Mmm, food. I’m still only eating once a day. I said I would and I am, even though I’m half forcing myself to do it. After I went to Cynthia’s my mood stabilized for a little bit. The last blog, Epic Troll, shows that best. Then my mom called again (she was going to the store) and just hearing from her sent me spiraling again. She called again yesterday, Cynthia said because she wanted to know how I was since I hadn’t called her. So I asked why she didn’t call, and she said it was because I didn’t call her. Then she had the audacity to call me stubborn. When someone runs you our of their home, it kind of makes it seem like you don’t want to talk to them. If she wondered how I was (which I doubt she did) her phone works. We didn’t talk much, but she wondered if Kribel’s (a bakery) took food stamps. At first I didn’t know why she was talking about getting a cake, it took me a little while to realize my birthday is now three days away. She offered to try to bake a cake, but she doesn’t have any cake pans or a spatula so I don’t know if she will. She also still does not have a job. She says no one will hire her because she’s too old, but she’s not even 50 yet. I don’t think she’s really trying. Also, our disability hasn’t gone through, so she hasn’t paid the rest of the rent. She says she’s going to drop the internet for now, and later on we’ll switch to Verizon, which I think is stupid, stupid, stupid. I don’t like Comcast, but I’m used to it and know what to expect. I have On Demand, I have the channels I want, and the caller ID comes up on the TV screen. I also saw their packages, and until Comcast Current TV, Sundance, IFC, and other channels aren’t included. I saw my mom briefly yesterday when I took Cynthia’s money down to her so she could stop at McD instead of us going. It was so hot, and when I said Cynthia and I were planning on going down later, she offered to do something nice and go get it herself. When I went down I also took the opportunity to get my cat. My mom said Allie had been very depressed and kept looking for me, and I’d been wanting to get her anyway so I did. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep her up here though. The heat isn’t bad right now, but she hasn’t drunk any water or used the litter box since she got here, and Allie is a big water drinker. She gave the water one tentative lick, and stepped into the litter for the first time an hour ago, but she immediately got out. If she doesn’t get used to it soon I’ll have to take her back.

Yesterday my mom said she was going to try to get to the store today. She never went to the store this much when it was just me down there. If she goes today it’ll be the third time this month, and she’s gotten me a total of 3 TV dinners. One the first time, and two the second. Half of those food stamps are technically mine, and I’ll I’ve gotten are three TV dinners when I know they’re eating down there. After the second time she called Cynthia asking if she had a funnel because she was making ice tea, and later called again asking if she had a cheese grater and some pepper! She’s turned into Martha Stewart down there. I don’t remember the last time I ate a real dinner at “home”. I miss crock pot chicken and beef, shake n bake chicken (can you tell I love chicken), mashed potatoes (I love mashed potatoes!), garlic bread, and biscuits! Cynthia’s oven doesn’t work, and she doesn’t have a crock pot, so I can’t have anything like that here. The other day she did make some mashed potatoes though, and I think they were real mashed potatoes, and not flakes from a box. I could tell by the texture and taste. I’d mash them myself if it meant getting more, because they were so good.

The other day my glasses broke. It’s the same thing that happened with my last pair. The joint where the glasses close wore down, and the left temple popped out. With my last glasses, the temple was out and one of the nose pads had fallen off. I’d had them for at least 3 years. This one is around two years old. Cynthia says when it gets cooler she’ll take me to get my blood test done, get my MRI and CT Scan prescriptions from the doctor, and go to the eye doctor, since it’s all covered by my insurance. I’m sure my mother still hasn’t gotten her test done, despite her adamant declarations that she has cancer or something equally bad. I can tell she’s real worried about it.

I don’t know if I’ll watch any anime or read any manga today, but I’ll try. I have seen anything since the 13th when I watched the second episode of Kuroshitsuji. Another chapter of Kuroshitsuji was released, and a surprise release of Aiso Tsukashi, a yaoi I’m following (I do not like the new character, I’m only reading it because of Sawaragi). I have been listening to some BL dramas, Junjou Romantica mostly. Can’t understand most of what they’re saying, but I’ve read the manga and seen the anime so I know what’s happening. I’ve also been reading Japanese Code Geass fan fics in Chrome, with my very poor Google translation. Oh, it says the funniest things. The translations are really ridiculous, but there’s so much Shunaruru (what they call the Schneizel/Lelouch pairing) out there. I was also on the site Pivix, and apparently Clovis’s birthday is October 14? There were quite a few fan arts wishing Clovis a happy birthday for October 14.

I’ve also started switching over my old fanlisting site Among the Stars (x.lisabee.org) to my new one at boysloveboys.org, my BL domain. I really like the way the layout turned out. It features Akira and Shirogane from Monochrome Factor. Eventually when I’m done with this and have recovered, I’ll move all my anime fanlistings to their new domain Zangetsuki.org, except of course the ones that have their own domain like Code Geass. Usami Haruhiko (Junjou Romantica) and Kuba Homare (Okane ga Nai) will be on boysloveboys.org, since their both yaoi.

Besides listening to BL dramas, and reading Schneizel x Lelouch fan fic, I’ve been watching Dragnet. Pittsburgh has a station called RTV which plays a lot of old shows. Dragnet, Adam-12, Incredible Hulk, Kojak, and late at night Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Dragnet is very cheesy (they all are). The writings bad, the actings bad, and it’s like a long PSA. But I like it, mainly because I like Friday. I like his voice, and he usually remains polite and calm even when dealing with jerks.

Now, as for the title of the post, a strange thing happened the other night. I heard a cat meowing outside. I looked outside and one cat was sitting across the street, I think it is that persons (the one directly across the street from us) since it looked like a big cat, and she has a Maine Coon like Tiger. I went downstairs and Tiger was sniffing at the door (he does not like other cats). I looked outside, wondering if it went on the porch, and there was a cat there, a different one. The other cat was gone. It was just sitting there. It saw me looking and looked directly at me and meowed again. Then it jumped off the porch and walked across and up the street. It might belong to that woman too, she has several cats and she always lets them out when she’s home (it’s stupid and irresponsible to let a cat out anytime). I don’t know what it wanted.

I almost completely forgot! Every Avatar TLA fan should know by now about the new mini/series. Legend of Korra. I’d been hearing about Korra for a while now, but I didn’t think any info on it would come out until the panel at Comic-Con. Too bad it’s not coming out until 2011.

76 Wallander Icons

76 icons of the British television show Wallander have been added. Wallander is a British mystery/detective series of based on a Swedish series of television shows and books. It stars Kenneth Branagh as detective Kurt Wallander, and airs on BBC One in the UK and PBS in the United States. I don’t love Wallander. I don’t have the same kind of feelings for it as Poirot, which I absolutely adore, but I do it. I don’t know why. Since PBS is airing it’s last “new” Poirot episode on Sunday, I found myself missing Wallander. I found out it’s not playing until October, and since I never focus on the future, I can’t look forward to it. So I made some icons to make myself feel better. Tomorrow I’ll do a real blog post, and a couple days later I’ll add some more icons. Definitely Kuroshitsuji, but other than that I haven’t decided on which other anime/manga series to do.


Epic Troll

It was a mean trick. A mean, mean trick, A-1 Pictures. Kuroshitsuji fans know what I’m talking about. A-1 did the anime Kuroshitsuji, based on the manga of the same name. They completed ruined it by going off on their own instead of following the manga, and sort of had the main character die at the end (sort of because we never saw it). So when they announced they were going to do a second series of it, fans were interested but skeptical. What could they do now, and what would the quality of the story be like after last seasons travesty? The date for the anime kept getting pushed back, and no information came out. And when it finally did, we were wishing it hadn’t. They said the anime would feature a new boy and demon butler. Art and previews came out, and at a special event they had the last butler Sebastian (Ono Daisuke) symbolically hand over his gloves to new butler whatever his name is (Sakurai Takahiro). Throughout all this some fans raged, other fans cried (seriously, girls cried at that event, and not happy tears). They were doing it again, they were ruining our Black Butler. The first episode of the new anime came out at the beginning of July. The new boy, a sadistic blond devil who gouges a maids eye out, and his boring, copycat demon annoyed the crap out of people until halfway through a familiar stranger turned up. Sebastian was there to kick ass (carrying Ciel in a suitcase, lol). We got played. We were trolled. It was all a cruel trick. Oh, has ever an anime treated its fans so horribly? Even Bleach isn’t as mean as this (I personally think Alois Trancy is a representation of A-1 and we are their servants), and they’re known to torment their fans. I don’t doubt that those two will probably be main characters, new thorns in Ciel and Seba-chans sides, but thank goodness the two real main charas are there, and will probably kick the imposters asses. Unfortunately, their joke was spoiled for me, due to Kuroshitsuji fans not being able to keep their mouths shut about it. I would have liked to have found out on my own, and been surprised, but I knew ahead of time that Sebastian was going to show up. I waited until the second episode was out to write this, so I’d know that last weeks preview with Sebastian and Ciel wasn’t another trick. Even though the original characters were there the second episode was rocky. Some parts were funny, like when Sebastian opened the trunk and a pig was in there, but overall the story as lacking. I also think they’ve altered the designs of the characters a little bit, or it was just bad animation. Still there were a few good shots of Sebastian that I’d like to make into icons, especially in the episode 3 preview (which looks like Grell will be returning in, if the preview can be trusted).

Along with Kuroshitsuji I don’t know what other icons will be in the next update. Probably Durarara, Bleach, or a yaoi. It’ll all depend on how I’m feeling at the time.

There have been several updates to the site in the past few days. First, I changed the icon/avatar and bases pages so they would be more uniform with the rest of the site. I never did it in the past because I use Icon Sort, and I knew it would be a bitch to get everything to show right, and it was. Second, I added Microkid’s Related Posts plugin so now when you read a post, a suggestion of similar posts is included. I did this mostly for icon posts, but others are linked as well. I also changed the display order of some things on my sidebar (Twitter feed and reading/watching list is higher), and updated my intro to include Schneizel, Clovis, and Jeremiah.

Since I’m on the subject of Code Geass charas my Clovis can badge came yesterday. I was so happy to get it! There’s so few Clovis merchandise, so this was a rare find. I have a little bit on money in my PayPal, and it’s my birthday at the end of the month so I’ll be getting some money then too. But I don’t know what to do with it. Buy a volume of Junjou Romantica? NC Mall stuff at Neopets? Or stalk Ebay for more Schneizel and Clovis things? I just do a search to see if any Clovis or Schneizel things came up, and there was. Not only was there tons of Schneizel/Lelouch doujinshi, there was Clovis doujinshi (including xLelouch) as well! I almost cried I was so happy! I can’t afford it, but I’m still torturing myself looking at it. It’s so beautiful!

Edit: Okay, so I have a lot less money in my PayPal account now. While browsing Ebay I found R2 Dengeki Data Collection. With shipping the total came to a little almost $35. A big chunk of my change, but doable. I decided to see if anyone else was selling a cheaper version. There was, for $2 less, but the first person was also selling the first seasons Data Collection for around $20. I scrambled desperately to find my Amex gift card, which has $10 left on it, hoping there would be enough to buy both. Unfortunately, with the PayPal and gift card total I was still a little over $10 short. After deliberating I decided I’d have to get the first one. I’m still planning on getting the second one if I can, so nobody buy it or I will hunt you down. The Data Collections have a ton of images, info (which I can’t read obviously), concept art, etc, so it’s a really big deal for a Code Geass fan. Schneizel and Clovis are in it too! ^^

Every Year Worse Than Before

I had to push myself to write this because I really don’t want to. Living it and thinking about it is enough, I don’t want to write about it as well. But I have to. All this began quite a few weeks ago. It was when we were out of food stamps and money, so I wasn’t eating. Then my mother got fired from her job. I’ve said before that she’s been having continuous constipation. My mom said that one day while at work at Rite Aid she was with a coworker and took out a sepository (not looking that spelling up) told the woman she was doing it, and left a note on the package for the manager saying she would pay for it on payday, and let the woman know what she was doing. After my mom was gone the woman (her name is Anna, I think, not sure of the spelling) called the companies 800 number and reported my mom for stealing. She was suspended for 3 days and then fired. My mom said her boss and other coworkers were very upset, because they all think Anna is a backstabbing bitch (which she is). My mom’s boss liked her too, but there was nothing he could do with the companies decision.

My mom started looking for a couple new jobs, and still is, I don’t think she’s been trying very hard. This was a huge, horrible blow. Even at Rite Aid we were living paycheck to paycheck and never had any money. She’ll be taking a big pay cut when she finally does find work. But that’s not the half of it. Instead of seriously looking for a new job (which I don’t think she has) she came up with a new plan, get rid of me and get a roommate.

She wanted to send me to my great aunt Laura’s in Maryland, who while seems nice, I’ve only met a few times. The roommate she was talking about was that psycho she had met down at the bar and started practically living with (she was paying the rent of our apartment but staying with him all the time) after she had only met him 1-3 months prior. There was no way I was going down to Maryland. My mom first told me about the roommate plan on the day I hurt my foot. I was upset and against my better judgement I had called her. I was hurt and scared and wanted my mother. She was drunk, and she immediately turned the whole thing about her, though she would’ve done that even if she hadn’t been drinking. She had watched Dr Oz earlier that day and there was a segment on cancer, so she decided she must have colon cancer since she can’t go the bathroom. She hadn’t had any tests done (and still hasn’t even though she has the prescription for it, and has had plenty of time) she kept saying she knew she had cancer. She also said we had to get a roommate. I called Cynthia directly after that, sobbing because of my horrible mother. She said then that I could stay with her while my mom had the roommate, but didn’t mention it again. After that there was little mention of the roommate, though practically every time I saw her she was trying to get me to go to Maryland. She also decided that we were both going to go on disability, her for depression, and me for OCD. My great aunt has been telling her for years to try to have me put on disability and SSI, and I even had the papers from a former doctor listing disability for six months, but she never did anything about it – until it was convenient for her and she wanted the money. Now she’s making $205 a month off of a health issue she caused. The day we went to the doctor she mentioned the roommate thing again and said she was serious. I said that either way I wouldn’t be there. When she asked why I said Cynthia had told me when I first heard about it that I could stay with her, which wasn’t lying, she did say that. But she hadn’t mentioned it again, and I didn’t tell her I was going to stay with her. Of course what I really meant was I was going to kill myself. At the doctors I had planned on getting the prescriptions for my blood test, CT scan, and MRI. When I got them, on the first of November and beginning of December last year my mother took them from me and promptly lost them. She refused to go to the doctors and get them again, or get them when she was already at the doctors. Since I was there this time, I was going to ask. Then after my mom finished her appointment with him she came in with him to sit in on my appointment! When I got dizzy she told him “well we usually only eat once a day” and when I told her I wanted the blood test, CT scan, and MRI papers she said “what you think you still need it?” about the MRI. She was diagnosing me and ridiculing me in front of the doctor! When she said that about the MRI I told her to stop it, and on the way out she said she didn’t mean it like that, but I know she did. When somethings wrong with her its the end of the world, when somethings wrong with something else they’re a hypochondriac. Last summer when I getting numbness, and having trouble swallowing, and a myriad of other recurring symptoms, she told me to take prozac so I wouldn’t worry about it. So I still don’t have the papers for the blood test, CAT scan or MRI. When I told her she acted surprised, and when I told her several more times. No, I’m suddenly healed! I have no more numbness, pain, my blinding headaches and dizziness are gone, my balance and coordination has returned, I don’t walk into walls anymore or start falling down for no reason! My memory is now perfect and I have no problems talking, writing, or thinking. Yay! Of course I still need the freaking CT scan and MRI!!! What does she think, Jesus decended from heaven and healed me? Everything that was wrong then still is now. The numbness isn’t as bad, and I while I still have trouble swallowing I’m managing the problem, but everything else is the same and as bad as ever. And apparently the dolt doesn’t realize that if there was serious damaged caused by the head injury it’s permanent, unlike the temporary OCD disability the doc signed off on. Now I have to go to a doctor for OCD and possibly be put on medication. I refuse to talk to a psychologist or be put on meds. The reason for the first is I not only don’t like talking to people about my feelings, but I have physical difficulty talking. I can’t remember words or what to do with them, and things always come out jumbled. The reasons I don’t want to be on medications are first of all my mother thinks of it as a way to get me to shut up, second medication comes with side effects, and I have so many problems to begin with I don’t need the it to be made worse. The third reason is I’ve been like this for a very long time, and I don’t want to take something that will change me into something I’m not. Another reason for both the shrink and the meds is I really don’t think they’ll help me with either OCD or depression. Yes, some depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and while I don’t doubt I do have one, the majority of my depression comes from outside problems. Problems that can’t be fixed, glossed over, or gotten over.

My mother started cleaning earlier this week, possibly late last week, and kicked it into high gear. She said she might bring someone with her to help her clean, which infuriated me. She wanted to bring in that psycho to go through our things, my things?! And she did, though the first day all he did was sit on the couch and watch TV. I had been going to my great aunt Cynthia’s almost every day to eat, so I retreated to her place later on. When I got back the place was still a mess, this time of trash bags, empty totes, and filled totes to go into the closet. The bed was fixed up in my old room, the one I had left last year, the bed made, and stuff piled in front of and on my dresser. He moved in that day. Just like that. As if I wasn’t a bundle of nerves and anxiety, with my depression was worse than ever that that night my mom just ignited the situation. She came into my room that night and accused me of taking a pillow out of the dryer. She said she put the pillow in the dryer and it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t take anything out of the dryer or even touch it. I did go into the room briefly to see what she had done and then closed the doors to the washed and dryer (which some genius put in the closet of that bedroom) so that cat wouldn’t jump back there. My stupid mom had left the door to the bedroom open, and the door to the washer and dryer open, when she knows that cat’d get into everything. My mother didn’t believe me and even called Cynthia to say I had stolen her pillows. Then she twice searched my room (her old one) for it. It was half funny to see her searching for something she couldn’t possibly find hidden since I didn’t take it, but also infuriating because I don’t like being accused of things I didn’t do, and then have no one believe me. The next day we went downtown and I asked her if she had found the pillow she had accused me of stealing and she said she hadn’t. She also basically said I should get used to the situation with the roommate because Walt (the psychos name) knew I didn’t it and had barely even gone to the bathroom the day before. Yes, poor, poor Walt. He’s the one suffering here. It didn’t matter that I had barely gone to the bathroom that day because of this. After we came back I went up to Cynthia’s where she said that on the phone the day before my mom had accused me of taking a pillow and her clothes and said that she didn’t like being lied to (do all pathological liars have that pet peeve?). On Wednesday night my mom came into the bedroom again with a pillow and hit me a couple times with it and said the pillow had magically reappeared and it was a funny trick I’d played on her. I told her I didn’t play any trick and I didn’t take any pillow. My mom said she had thought it was funny, but I was the only one who could have done it, and there was something wrong with me if I really thought I didn’t take the pillow and she would have me committed. I started crying then, she’s just so horrible, so cruel to me. And I told her no, only that I didn’t do it. She just left the room after that and I screamed behind her that she was a lying whore. She came into the room and said that if I ever called her that again she would punch me in the face. Even though it was late I called Cynthia because I was so upset with all this and told her everything that happened. And I know what happened with that pillow. Either my mother wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing originally, or she was purposely tormenting me to try to get rid of me. She had been so desperately trying to send me to Maryland, and had actually said earlier on Tuesday that she wanted me to go up to Cynthia’s “for a couple days.” But there’s one more person who could have done it, that white trash bastard she’s been seeing. He is white trash, and alcoholic who doesn’t seem to work, but seems to function perfectly except for a cigarette induced cough, so he must be on disability for what “health problem” I don’t know. I say he’s a psycho because he’s shown himself to be very obsessive. I’ve written before about him constantly calling, sometimes 7 times in a span of 20 or so minutes. Every time I saw her since she started seeing him (which was rare) she was always getting calls and texts from him. Even when we went to welfare for the interview he called twice just to “see how she was.” We weren’t there for more than a few hours, and the second time she had to run out to see what the call was during the interview. So he’s my prime suspect, though it could have just as easily been her. At 2:30 in the morning after that she came in, drunk, and started cleaning the bedroom. She found some DVDs on the floor and accused me of hiding them all while saying sarcastic things like yep, you’re not a liar, I’m just imagining things, and random things like I’m on a cleaning frenzy. I found out yesterday that pillow and clothes had changed into pillow and DVDs, that I had also taken DVDs she had bought because she couldn’t find them. I don’t know what DVDs I supposedly took. She had actually taken most of the DVDs we own when she was going over to his place. What she did when them I don’t know. Wednesday night/Thursday morning was the closest I ever came to trying to kill myself. I had planned on doing it when he moved in, but decided to try and wait and see. I knew it was a bad idea, that I would just bring myself more suffering, and I did. I came very close Thursday morning. The problem was I waited. I wanted to wait so I would be good and tired so hopefully I’d be able to fall asleep quickly after drinking the bottle of prozac, and spare myself a possibly painful conscious death. But I couldn’t calm down. Every time I thought about doing it, and I had the bottle all poured out into a glass (thought it would be easier, bigger mouthfuls) and waiting. But I still couldn’t do it. I was too scared of an agonizing death, or not dying at all and ending up worse than before, or having a seizure. So I’m still looking for that tall building. I tried to go to sleep after that, but not only was I having trouble sleeping from all the anxiety, but they’re so constantly noisy. The few days they were there they were up until 3-4 AM watching movies at full blast and playing music. Then what sounded like an alarm, repeated jingling alarm sound every few minutes kept going off probably in the dining room. I think he might have done it to disturb me early in the morning, like my mom with her cleaning. Then at 5:30 he was heating pizza in the microwave! I didn’t fall asleep until 7 AM and got up after 12. Then I called Cynthia. She had mentioned staying with her when I talked to her the night before, but once again didn’t mention it this time, but I asked her anyway and she said yes. My mom came in later and asked a question about the caller ID on the TV. We have Comcast triple play, so the number or name of the person who’s calling shows up on the screen, but it wasn’t then. On Tuesday and Wednesday there were brief blackouts, so the cable box reset. It takes a while for it to really get going again. Then she asked if I was going to apologize for the mean name I called her, and I told her I would when she apologized of accusing me of doing something I didn’t do. She said what was I saying, that a ghost took it and put it back? Of course I was saying nothing of the sort, only that I wasn’t the person responsible for it. She just left again. Then I cleared out an old suitcase, and got an old backpack off her, and took the laptop up to Cynthia’s. Later on I went back down to get some other stuff. I had my mom come in my old room with me and watch me so she’d know what I was taking, and wouldn’t be accused of stealing the whole washing machine next. I took my Code Geass doujinshi, Junjou tin and stickers, (the prozac), Schneizel voice doll (who can’t speak yet because he needs batteries) and some other things important to me I don’t want to lose. My mom said I didn’t have to take anything, that he wouldn’t go through my things, and he isn’t the type to steal, which I know is not true. How should she know what type of person he is anyway? She’s not known him for more than 5 months. I was going to take the cat with me, but my mom asked, and asked me not to, and leave her in the air conditioning and not trap her in one room. I had to give in to it, though I didn’t want to. I’d rather my girl with me, and not near that guy but it’s been so hot here, I can’t take her out of the air conditioning. I don’t trust that guy. When we were at welfare my mom suddenly mentioned something like “I don’t care what I’m not getting rid of the cat, I didn’t get her just to leave her.” It was so strange and out of the blue. As long as my mom is there I will allow her to stay. If she starts working Allie will come with me for the time, because I do not want to leave her with him.

So now I’m at Cynthia’s. There’s no cable, air conditioning, or internet, and Cynthia can be a contentious person, but I’m alive for now. I’m using someone’s wireless network that they have without a password, so I have to be careful where I login and to immediately sign out when I’m done. At least I have internet at all. I don’t know how well downloading anime would go though, pretty bad I think SpeedTest.net lists the speeds as 1.44 down and 0.33 up. I told my mom I want to try to get on SSI like Cynthia and Naomi (extended family member, probably a cousin) has been saying I should do for a while. I want money. I know it wouldn’t be a lot, but I just want enough to be able to buy things like a normal person. Get a manga once in a while, or some other animanga merchandise, kawaii merchandise, get or renew a domain. Right now I only get a small amount of money once in a while, that I can only spend at certain places online.

Near the end of June, after the foot/mom/cancer incident I realized something. I don’t love my mother anymore. For almost 20 years, no matter what she did I still loved her, even though sometimes I hated her. But she has permanently damaged our relationship this time. Now I don’t love her and just hate her, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I feel bad about it, I remember how when we did get along we really got along. But not anymore.

That’s all I can think of right now, pretty much everything that’s happened recently. Schneizel once again gets icon status, just because he’s hot. This picture is actually the one I have set as my admin accounts. It’s a good one.

still around

Just posting to say I’m still here, though I don’t know if I will be at any point in the near future. I don’t feel like writing about what has happened, living it is enough. I did buy a Code Geass Clovis can badge of someone on LJ, despite what way this goes. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, because even if I die I’d rather die owning the Clovis pin than not. I may ask Cynthia if I can stay with her until this blows over, and if she says no then end it, and if she says yes take my most important things, like my cat, laptop, my Code Geass doujinshi, Schneizel voice doll, Junjou Romantica tin, etc, to be on the safe side. I don’t want that psycho creep going through my things. It still would be better to do it now no matter what. The przc is already 3 months expired. If it gets any weaker it might not do the job. But we’ll see. Either way I need a miracle… I just realized that I haven’t watched any new (to me) anime or read any manga in three weeks… That shows how bad things are.

I Despise My Life

And living in general. And my mother. No icon this time I just don’t feel like it. Like most days now I went up to Cynthia’s to eat. My mother was here yesterday, don’t know why she came over and stayed the night, but she did, though she barely spoke to me or even saw me. Most of the time she was on the couch watching TV. This morning she made garlic bread and left the pan on the stove. When I got home from Cynthia’s at around 8 I saw it there and decided to move it because I don’t like things on the stove, particularly heavy things. It’s a messed up old stove. Like if you pull down the oven door too quickly or forcefully the whole thing tips forward, and the top part with the oven dials is separating from the bottom part where the burns are, which is why I don’t like things on it to make it any worse. So I moved it and set it down with some other kitchen stuff, near the crock pot. I didn’t see the crock pots heavy glass lid there, and when I put the pan down the lid fell on to the top of my foot. That’s what started all this. I have accidents all the time, every day actually. This isn’t the first time I’ve smashed a body part. I’ve been lucky so far, at least in the past few years and had no serious injuries, but I always worry, especially when I hurt myself. I’m always alone, and even though I do have free health care provided by the state, if something bad happened I probably wouldn’t get any help. The lids edge landed right where the foot ends and the big toe starts. It hurt like hell (still hurts of course) and I was afraid I might have fractured it. When I’m worried there’s really nothing to do but tell someone just to talk, to get reassurance, and to let them know what happened, just so they know. I didn’t call my mom at first, I called Cynthia. Basically the only time I got medical attention for an accident (I fractured my ankle on a school field trip) I was with her. Had I been with my mother then it probably never would have happened. My mom was out in Arizona with her boyfriend then. She had left me with my great aunt (who we both had been living with) and moved back. I didn’t have health care (I think this is the first time I’ve ever had it) but my aunt still took me to the hospital. I’ve always known with my mother that no matter what happened I wouldn’t get any help with her. So Cynthia is my first choice to call. After I spoke with her I was still worried so I broke down and called my mom. I never should have called her. But no matter what she’s still my mother, and unfortunately I still love her, and I’m weak. I hate myself for making such a stupid move. At first she was sympathetic, and said she was coming down to see me even though I told her not to. She’s often had the proper mother sentiment even if she hasn’t had the actions to back it up. She called back a few minutes later and said she didn’t think she could come down because she’d been drinking. I didn’t really think she’d actually come to see me, she’s never cared when I’ve been unwell or hurt before, but it was a nice thought, my mother actually being near me. She immediately turned it into about her. That guilting, self serving crap “tell me you love me tell me you love me” “tell me you’re alright tell me you’re alright” Then saying “I’ll come down, I would come down but…” All just so she can feel better about herself. After having to go through all that for like 5 minutes I finally broke down crying and said exactly what I said here “I never should have called you.” And that really started the waterworks. She thinks she has cancer, colon cancer specifically. Could she? Yes, of course. Cancer runs in our family big time. My aunt had eye cancer, and my grandmother had breast and pancreatic cancer, that’s just what I know about. She’s also going on 50. So yes she could have cancer. Do I believe she has cancer? I’ll believe it when I great a straight answer out of her. She first told me she wants me to go live with stay with my great aunt Laura in Maryland, who I barely know. It’s not the first time she’s tried to unload me. I was half raised by my great aunt Cynthia and my grandmother, I only really spent any time with my mom during the many times we moved to Arizona (we kept moving back here) when she wasn’t with Matt-freak that was. She said it was because she’s sick and has cancer. I flipped then. I usually try to keep my cool, because there’s no point in arguing with that person, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying yes, you’re always sick, but no one else is. If you get dizzy you say you’re having a heart attack, and now she has cancer. She said she really is sick. I asked her if a doctor told her that, and I couldn’t understand her very well because drunk people babble, and it’s even worse when they’re crying, but the first time she said yes, she knew she does, and the second time I asked her she said she had to get the test done. I could go on like that forever and each time she’d say something different because drunk people are never clear, especially drunk pathological liars. She said again she wants me to go with Laura because she wants me to be taken care of, since she can’t right now and can’t even work because of it. And she’s worried because she’s always taken care of me. Why does she think she has cancer? Because she can’t go to the bathroom. She used to always have diarrhea and now she’s constipate and and she says she can’t go to the bathroom at all and she’s in pain. Cynthia blames it on her drinking herself stupid and not eating. She also watched on old episode of Dr Oz this morning, and the first segment was about cancer pains, and since she has all the symptoms she immediately said she has colon cancer. Last Thursday she was talking about looking for a job, and having someone move in with us (which is the thing from the last few posts), and even today she was talking about having roommates, wondering whether to keep the Showtime package so she can watch Dexter, and saying she has to clean because we still need our water fixed (we’ve had barely any water except a trickle from the shower for almost a year now) and now she has cancer. Obviously I don’t believe her. Of course she could have cancer. My poor great aunt Cynthia who I worry about constantly, has had it before, and has spots on her lungs, could have cancer. My aunt Cyndy who bakes herself out in the sun and smokes like a fiend could have cancer. I, with my constant headaches, dizziness, and walking into walls and everything else could have cancer. Do any of us? (If there’s a God in heaven I do or will soon, fingers crossed) I won’t believe it until a doctor actually says it. I particularly won’t believe it from my mother until it’s actually confirmed. Part of it is her hypochondria, part of it is bitterness. She always says something is wrong with her, and is always complaining about something. And I mean always. That’s the bitterness part of it. She’s so self centered. Like when I called and needed her she immediately turned the whole thing into a Pam Pity Party. I’m so used to hearing her complain about everything and saying she has this sickness, and she has that sickness. When she has a problem it’s the end of the world, and she suffers so much. She’s not even interested in helping herself, she just wants to complain about it, guilt other people into sympathizing with her. She was supposed to get a tests done in December and never did. Then the doctor was trying once again to have her go get tests done a few months ago. And even now has she gone to get the test done? I couldn’t get an answer out of her, but the last thing she said was that she still needed the test. I called Cynthia right after I spoke with my mother because I was in a horrible state. She said if she really thinks something is wrong then she should shut up and go to the hospital to find out. She said if my mom called back not to answer it, and I told her I didn’t plan to. I don’t want to talk to her. My mom did say she would call back in a few minutes, after she finally did decide to hang up, but I didn’t think she would and she hasn’t. More “I’m so sick *drunk babbling* you don’t believe me, no I’m just making this up for the fun of it *drunk babbling* I’m going to get help I just want you to be taken care of” (oh, yes, please have a hit put out on me and put me out of my misery). I so wanted to right then and there just to drink all that przc, but I’m such a coward. I’m so afraid of having a seizure, or seriously messing myself up instead. I know I’m not a good person, but I don’t believe I’m a very bad person either. I don’t see why I deserve this. Why oh why are there no tall buildings around here? Did God get his messages crossed, I’m the one who desperately wants to die. It might sound mean or selfish to talk like this about my mom when she said she has cancer, but please spare me you’re ridiculous PPP comments. You don’t know me, my life, or my mother, it’s not the first time she’s said she was sick and was actually fine. I will believe her when she says she went to the doctor and this is her diagnosis. Until then I will not pander to an attention hound. Now I have to go lay back down, try to make my foot comfortable, and get to sleep.

Don’t Ask Me

Schneizel isn’t too happy either. I don’t know what’s going on. My mom called yesterday, about a half an hour after I went out with Cynthia. I called when I got back and she said she’d see me tomorrow (now today) since she gets paid. So did she get fired from her job? Well, she called at 3:03, so if she was in Dormont she wasn’t at work then. And she gets paid on Thursdays. Not to mention the fact that she wasn’t at work for at least half the last week, and she never stopped buy or called, so she didn’t bring any milk or food from there (when she has food stamps) and didn’t call. So I still believe she isn’t working. We’ll see if she calls or comes by today like she said she would, it’s going on 4:30 right now. She also didn’t mention the thing she mentioned before, which I’m still not going to talk about. Right now I’m in wait and see mode, but regardless of what does and does not happen I think the best option is to do it now before the medication affect is anymore diluted. I moved the icons that were in the last post to this one. So they’re after the preview and the jump.

Last week I made some more icons including anime. So I uploaded them all a couple days ago. 145 Bleach icons: Kuchiki Byakuya, Kurosaki Ichigo, and Nel Tu / Neliel Tu Oderschvank, 75 Okane ga Nai manga: Kanou Somuku and Kuba Homare, 32 Code Geass: young V.V. and young Emperor Charles zi/di Britannia, C.C., Jeremiah Gottwald, and Lelouch Lamperouge / vi Britannia, 7 Maria Sharapova icons, and 99 Taka ga Koi daro of Sawaragi. I was going to do the rest of the manga with him, and start Aiso Tsukashi, but…

and it hasn’t gotten better

And it won’t. Ever. I’ve known that for a while. I ran out of hope a long time ago. My health, physical and mental, and my situation continued to go downhill barely without pausing and never improving. I’m not going to waste the energy to explain everything because there isn’t a point. I’ll just say that it started earlier this year when my mom met that jackass down at the bar, started going out drinking every night until early in the morning, and practically living with a guy she barely knew. About a week ago she either was fired from her job or quit. She’s going on 50 years old, but she’s as irresponsible as ever. Though nothing could top the most irresponsible, selfish thing she ever did, which was having me. My great aunt Cynthia said I could live with her, but that won’t work. I’ve lived and stayed with her several times before because of my irresponsible mother (like when she left me with her and moved across the country to live with her boyfriend, who she had split up with and moved back half a year before, that wasn’t the first or last time she did that). She doesn’t have cable, internet, or air conditioning, and while it may sound, I don’t know, superficial, I actually have very little. I don’t own a cell phone, ipod, or video games, I get new clothes and shoes once every couple of years. I already lost food, all I have is television and internet (and with it my manga and anime), without them I really have nothing left. Cynthia is also quite old, and while I don’t like to think about it, I don’t know how much time she has left. I would gladly take her place and all her ailments. There are other reasons as well. I did hope that I would die on my own. Now I see that’s not going to happen any time soon, and I don’t have the option to wait any longer. I’ve known for years that I would die young, but like I was wishing I’d die on my own, or at least end up where an opportunity (in the form of a tall building) would present itself. Jumping is my method of choice, it and gun are the best. They’re the quickest, least painful, and have the best success rate. Slitting and ingesting are the worst, and unfortunately the only options I have. I did start crying when my mom called to tell me she was finally going to destroy me completely, I did my best to hide it from her. I try to never cry in front of other people. It’s weak. If pandas had red around their eyes instead of black, that’s what I’d look like right now, so many veins burst. It’s not the dying part that I find sad, I accepted it a long time ago so the idea is calming. It’s the method. If there was a building around here I would have happily jumped off it years ago. I tried to think of some way I could jump, and came up with a couple ideas but I’m really not sure how high they are. I remember walking by one place and thinking “wow you could kill yourself if you jumped from here” but it has a tall fence around it, precisely for that reason (I think someone actually did jump from there). So not only would I have to walk there in the middle of the night, but either cut the fence, or climb the it and drop myself off from there. Not very practical or as nice as simply stretching your arms our like a bird and falling. I don’t have it in me to cut myself open. So the only choice left is to drink as much of the bottle of liquid prozac I have and hope for the best. It expired in April so it’s not as strong, and seizures are one of the side effects of overdosing, which is why I didn’t do it earlier. I should never have read the side effects. That’s why I’m so upset (that and I’m so furious at my mother). I could end up having a seizure, or just throwing the crap up, and my attempt is wasted. All I want to do is die, this should be easier. People die all the time. People who want to live too. I want to die but still continue on pathetically. I watched a documentary the other day called Boy Interrupted, about a bipolar teen who killed himself. I do watch them occasionally, docs on suicide, and since I’ve been my most death wishing ever recently I did. When he was little he said he wished he’d get cancer, which is something I think a lot. Lot’s of people who want to live get cancer, why don’t I get it instead of one of them? Spare someone who deserves to live and give it to someone who doesn’t. I would have gladly had pancreatic cancer in place of my precious grandmother. Those docs are always full of such annoying people. They all go “how could someone do something like this” and I’m thinking “I’m so jealous.” He’s lucky he’s dead, he got what he wanted. Be happy that his suffering is over. Everyone’s all about preventing suicide. People should mind their own business, even if they are related. As long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else, a persons life is their own to do what they want with, and it’s completely within their rights to end it. Anyone who has I don’t pity. I congratulate and envy them. They escaped. Cynthia said she might take me out tomorrow, to CVS and to Eat n Park. If she does I’ll eat all my chicken and get dessert no matter how I feel. And I’ll get chocolate at CVS and eat it all too. I’ll finish catching up with my Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal, I’ll watch my beloved Code Geass and my darling Junjou Romantica. And try to just enjoy that. So I’ll drink my prozac when I’m completely exhausted so hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep right after (I know it’s not like overdosing on sleeping pills) and I’ll hope for the best and a merciful ending, or at the very least an ending. If I’m not on by the end of July it means I’ve done it, if I come on before then (not counting the next few days) it means it either didn’t work, or I’m a pathetic coward and still looking for that tall building (why couldn’t we have lived in a big apartment building, then this would be so easy).

Bad Start to the Month

It’s been a bad June so far. Why am I not allowed to eat during summer? Last year I was barely eating because I was having trouble swallowing. I still have trouble but I’ve learned how to manage it since then. This year we have no money. My mom said on either May 31 or June 1 that we were out of food stamps, and we are completely, totally broke.* Food stamps don’t kick in to the 10th of the month, so I’d have to wait until then to, uh, eat. I haven’t been completely starving, a few days I was able to get up to my great aunt Cynthia’s and get something off her, but in general my meals have been very small. A roll with some lunchmeat on it here, half a can of tuna there. I lost 10 lbs between June 1 and June 6. I’m so hungry all the time, I wake up hungry, I go to sleep hungry, just hungry. My poor baby girls hungry too. She ran out of her treats, and because of my mom that’s all she eats. She has some regular hard food but she refuses to eat it. My mother and Cynthia keep saying that if she’s hungry she’ll eat, but I keep telling them they’re wrong. You can lead a cat to food but you can’t make them eat. Allie absolutely refuses to eat her hard food. Every time I get up she comes running and meowing, and I have to put her where the food is and point her towards it, but she just sits there or runs away. I’m worried about her. She’s skinny as it is, and cats can get sick from not eating enough. I can last a lot longer than she can. But there’s nothing I can do about it. My mom wanted to borrow money off my aunt Cyndy’s boss, but Cyndy wouldn’t let her. Apparently she doesn’t think that things like food, milk, toothpaste, and toilet paper are necessary things. I’m sure she’d feel differently if it was her.

Because of what’s going on I’ve completely given up for the moment on the Altador Cup. I don’t feel well, and I’m majorly depressed, so it’s really a low priority for me. I don’t have the energy or the motivation to do anything about it right now, or care. Same with anything else. I just don’t care. On top of everything the nail on my left pinky split across on the side a few days ago and I had to take it off. I should have left it on. Now the skin that was underneath it is exposed. It’s not a lot, it’s not halfway down or anything, but it’s still bothering me. I hope it grows in right. I have problems with my big toe because of a nail that didn’t come in right. I’m not getting any vitamins so it’s coming in very slowly. I haven’t seen any progress at all with it since it happened.

I don’t know what I’m going to eat today. I was going to go up to my aunt Cynthia’s, but last time I looked the landlord was doing something outside so I might not be able to. I’ll probably just drink the Pepsi she gave me yesterday. Two more days…

* Yes, I did say I have some money I wanted to get Code Geass doujinshi with, but it’s only available online, and can only be used certain places online.

And any people coming here from ANN I said I don’t support buying anime and manga in America. I fully support buying it directly from Japan. So STFU.