No Improvement

My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.

HP HS and MS

Wednesday was Harry Potter day. I’ll probably start re-reading the book soon, even though I’m sure the movie is nothing like it. I have to start Kazuo Ishiguro’s book Remains of the Day first anyway, since it has to go back to the library soon. For the first 4 movies I went to see all of them the day they came out, and I’m pretty sure the 5th one was the first I didn’t see day of. I didn’t see this one then either. I haven’t been out since Jamie’s. According to my mother she’ll probably have a day off the week after my birthday, so we’ll go see a movie and go out to lunch then. I’ll turn 19 in just a little over a week. I’m not looking forward to it anymore than the last time I posted.

Still also not looking forward to graduating. I have to get some more school done today. I only have two classes left, and it’ll be down to one in a couple hours. Then I have to do a stupid graduation project, and fill out some form (with required info on future ed or job) for my diploma. The graduation project is ridiculous. You have to write several different essays about different things like your long and short term goals, future plans, what you learned, crap like that. Goals, goals, goals, that’s something you always hear about in school, and how you’re supposed to make them, and sometimes forced to (or at least make something up for them). Your own personal beliefs don’t matter. I don’t believe in making goals. Sure have some things you want to do in life, but having a set list saying “I will do this, this, and this” is just plain stupid. You never know what’s going to happen to you, and it’s like resolutions, most people don’t end up following through with them. A lot of people don’t know what they want to do for a career anyway, or change their minds, which is why so many people meander through university or comm college trying to figure it out. Me? I don’t care, I’ll do whatever my family tells/wants me to do. Things like job and classes aren’t up to me.

Right now I only have one goal: to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I unfortunately have another possible reason for my poor health to add to my list. I was watching J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life on ABC and she was talking about when her mother got Multiple sclerosis, that she started getting numbness in various limbs and balance problems. It reminded me of myself so I looked up the symptoms. Of course I started getting numbness a few months ago, and I’ve had bad balance problems for years which are getting worse. I walk into walls (though that’s also because I have trouble judging distance) I’ll just be standing and all of a sudden just reel backwards. Now I reach out my hands when I walk around my house so I can sort of feel my way and grab myself if I start to fall. I also have coordination issues, fatigue, and memory/concentration problems. And I don’t just walk into a room and forget what I came in to do once in a while, or once a day, I am constantly forgetting things. I’ll be trying to say something and be in the middle and completely forget. Once I was talking to my mom and I just stopped in the middle and stared at the object in my hand for a while. She got frustrated and prodded me to continue with what I was saying and I yelled at her that I was trying to remember what this (what I was holding) was. It was a telephone. Of course all these could be because of my back (though MS also targets the spine along with the brain and optic nerves) and/or the head injury I had in the 4th grade. And it doesn’t account for other things like having trouble swallowing, pressure in my ears, or the pains in my sides. MS symptoms come and go, one of the reasons it’s so hard to diagnose, though my symptoms haven’t really. I’ve had some numbness in my toes, the next to last, since around the 7th grade, but it’s never been this bad. I get it every day now, along with my other numbness, usually in my leg(s), big toe(s) (when I’m laying down), or arms/hands. I get it in my arms and hands when they don’t stay straight in bed. Even they move in the slightest it starts getting numb. One early instance was when I was laying in bed with the laptop on my stomach reading manga. My arms and hands would get numb from having them on my stomach and edges of the computer. I noticed that problem, along with numbness in my feet, a little while before it all went to hell. Though it isn’t as bad as when it first started. Then my hands were numb constantly. I don’t know if you could call that remission or not. I also don’t know if my doctor or my mother would take my concerns seriously. My mother never does. If I talk to her tomorrow I might mention it. I only saw her once on Tuesday, and the rest of the days I didn’t even get a phone call from her, except Thursday, so it’s a toss up whether it’ll happen today. Now I have to go do some school so my annoying IS doesn’t whine some more.

Insert Heavy Sigh Here

Thought I’d put something up before I went to bed. It’s almost 7 AM, but I’ve cycled back into sleeping during the day again. It’s easier that way anyway. I’m not in a good mood. My depression has been in full swing for days. Usually it lets up for at least a few hours, but right now it’s been non-stop. I didn’t even get to go out at all this week. My mom said we’d go to Eat ‘n Park on Wednesday, then on Tuesday she said we’d go on Thursday, and of course we didn’t.

Today is my aunt Cyndy’s 50th birthday, though she refuses to admit it and keeps saying she’s something like 47. We were supposed to go write 50 on her cars windshield with a glass marker. It was my idea, and we’ve been talking about it for months. In late June my mom found out she’d have to work this day, but still said we’d find a way around it, by going there late on the day before, or the day of after she got off work. Now my plan is ruined, and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I never get to do anything fun like that, I’m at home everyday all the time.

My moms also been asking me what I want to do for my birthday (and like we’d actually end up doing it anyway). I don’t care, I hate my birthday. I’m 18 and already falling apart, I don’t want to get any older.

I’ve been thinking about starting a fansite again. I get the feeling from time to time, but it usually goes away. I used to love running fansites, it was my life and something I was actually good at. I’m not as good at blogging, or running a personal site. But other people, hackers, flamers, bitchy, I’d say practically evil competition ruined it for me. It made me miserable, and it was torture getting online everyday for something like that. It just wasn’t worth it. But still, I get the urge from time to time. It didn’t help that last night I decided to check out HPANA, which made me look to TLC, and eventually Mugglenet, and I saw on the latter an interview Natalia Tena did with the LA Times. That hurt. She’s the last one I ran a fansite for, the one that made me decide to give up fansites “forever.” Anything about Natalia Tena or Clemence Poesy still upsets me now. Not as much as it used to, but it still opens old wounds. That definitely didn’t help improve my mood any.

Don’t Hold Your Fire

This is ridiculous. Holdfire has never been a good host, but this is completely unacceptable. And that’s only what they caught! A troubles staffer I talked to at TFL said that Holdfire had been particularly bad lately. I guess a lot of fanlistings have been getting troubled because of Holdfire’s crap. And what’s more, I found Holdfire through TFL! Don’t that beat all?

I hate holidays. There’s no mail, nothing on TV, and everything’s always closed. So much inconvenience over so little. I’m not a little kid, so holidays don’t mean much to me anymore. Not even Christmas or Thanksgiving. I’m not usually with my family on those holidays, and we don’t have any money so lot’s of food and gifts are out of the question. And holidays like Independence Day are the worst, because you really get nothing out of them. There’s fireworks. Big whoop, I’m not five and I’m not a man, so I don’t find all the sparkly colors or loud noises fun. I especially don’t find them fun when there are idiots setting them off right outside my house, and starting the day before. It’s not like New Years people. And I forgot (I don’t know how since they do it every year) how they always play country music while showing the fireworks on TV. Even worse patriotic country music. I just can’t stand to listen to them “sing” about how much they looove America in their redneck drawl.

It doesn’t help that I have a headache. All I’ve eaten today are about 1 turkey sandwich with mayo (because I didn’t finish the first one, then later I had half of one), milk, and maybe 3 or 4 potato chips. But now sometimes when I eat I get an awful migraine. I thought it was the chips that did it, even though I only had a few, but it got worse after the second half. I don’t know what it is, but it’s happening more and more often, and it sucks because before a few months ago (when all my health went to hell) I’d never really had migraines before and I hate it.

SciFi (which is now becoming SyFy for some stupid reason) has been having a Twilight Zone marathon for the past few days, and I was watching a little yesterday but gave up today because most of the episodes I’d already seen or didn’t want to see. TVLand is having a Roseanne marathon so I guess I’ll watch that for a while before I go to bed. I have to get up at around 11 tomorrow to go over my great aunts and shred some paper of hers, while my mom is supposed to come over and clean, but she didn’t last time. I was there waiting until almost 8 o’clock and she never came. Now she wants to clean in case we get Verizon since Comcast raised their prices again. She better clean fast because I’m not staying over there too late. Cynthia doesn’t have air conditioning, and Masterpiece Mystery is playing the new Miss Marple tomorrow. And since I’m being kicked out of the day, I guess I won’t be getting any school done. Oh well, be it on her own head.

July First

It is now July. A month I have been dreading, just like I did last year, though this is even worse. The month I turn 19. The month I graduate high school. Not only does the idea of the future terrify me as it always has, for my future looks bleak, but I’m going to have my one joy and one of my most needed things taken away from me – a computer. I remember reading that the school won’t give you your diploma if you haven’t sent all the materials they sent you books, electronics, etc, back in. I don’t have a real computer of my own, just an old clunker, and some even older laptops. I won’t be able to do anything, including pay for my hosting and domains. My mother keeps saying she’s going to get me one and I keep saying with what? She’s been telling me she’s going to get me a computer for years. Just another unneeded stress on top of my already full pile of things that are making me anxious. Like, as I said before, the future. WTF am I supposed to do now? I have depression, serious depression that I’ve had for years and which only got worse over the years until I just stopped caring. Most people have plans, but I a) don’t believe in making plans when you have no idea what the future is a b) don’t care about much in this life, nothing interests me. I’m just waiting around for someone to tell me what to do, and believe me I’ve been given plenty of suggestions. Well, mainly one or two things suggested over and over. But I still don’t know how to get there. I’m seriously unwell, for a while just in my mind, but then I think the damage my brain got in the fourth grade just started getting worse and worse, and now I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me physically, except that I have a bad back. But the point is my mind doesn’t always work right all of the time, like with processing information, reaction time, judging distance, balance. And the physical and mental reacted to each other, and it was not pretty. That’s why I’ve always had to rely on another people. I could never survive on my own. If I had to I’d probably kill myself which wouldn’t matter because I’d probably end up dying anyway. I’m always having accidents, one of them’s bound to off me eventually.

So what do I, this worthless, pointless person, want? I’m just happy with existing now. Before I thought that was the worst thing, being alive but not living but then when my health started getting worse I just wanted to live and be well. It didn’t matter anymore, everything that was plaguing me before. So I don’t think on the big scale as much anymore, of what I think I should have, and what I think I deserve to have. I just want the things that bring me what little joy I have. A computer, internet, anime and manga, my domains, my sites, being able to sometimes buy the things I want and go out to places like The Cheesecake Factory. Because I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. And for myself I guess asking to be happy is to much, even though it’s always been my greatest wish above all else, so I guess I want to be okay. Or at least well. I think I would settle for keeping my depression if the rest of my health got better. Will I get that? Probably not, my track record of getting what I want hasn’t ever been that good, though it’s been a little better recently with the small things, like going out. For a time it was even better, when I was making more money online and could buy stuff online. But Google took that away from me, and is still trying to. So I’m just here waiting right now. Waiting for that dreaded day I finish my final class. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to get there. Waiting for my dreaded birthday. And waiting for my future. I can’t see this being a good month.

New Layout

If you haven’t noticed there’s a new layout. If you haven’t been here before, then you probably wouldn’t. But there is. It features one of my favorite characters in Code Geass, Clovis la Britannia, a very underrated CG character. I’m calling it either An Unfinished Life or Mirage, which is what I’d call his fanlisting if I ever wrench it out of the owner in the future. I’m pretty happy with the way this layout turned out, I think it might be my best work yet. But now I’m noticing a few things that I wish I had changed, that for some reason I never noticed before. I’m also happy with the way the coding turned out. The coding of the layout itself, not WordPress which I’m going to be having nightmares about for weeks. I don’t know how anyone could work with WP, it drove me crazy, and it still isn’t working right. WordPress truly is hell. I also made a layout with Schneizel and Lelouch, but the theme switcher plugin isn’t compatable with the latest version of WordPress so I can’t show it to you. It’s not as good as this one, but I still like it. I tried to do one with Azula from Avatar too, but Paint Shop Pro isn’t cooperating with me anymore. Apparently I’ve used up all my creativity there for a while.

There’s still a few things I need to update around here, some is just general maintenance, others are entire rewrites of content pages. And some pages still have to be built. Uh, I’m starting to get discouraged again. Most pages are online, but there might be some broken links. If they aren’t fixed in the next update, or you find any other errors (like with psycho WordPress) please let me know.

Switching to WordPress

If things seem a little wonky it’s because I’m in the process of not only changing layouts, but switching the whole site to WordPress. So please bear with me if you find any links not working at this time.

Okay, as of 11:47 PM on June 30, 2009, I am done testing this site, and it will most likely officially be live on the first.

Outings

Last Monday my mom and I went to The Cheesecake Factory. The food was so good the first time, we just couldn’t wait again. My mom called the night before (as she was over Matt-freaks at the time) and told me to set my alarm clock because she wanted to leave by 10 AM. So I did, and I think I got up at almost 8. At almost 9 she finally called and said she was running late because she had deep marks on her face from sleeping. We get that a lot. When we sleep, and even when we just rest are arms on things, they leave an impression in our skin. Three hours later she still hadn’t called back, so I assumed she fell asleep and we weren’t going, so I went back to bed. A half an hour to an hour later she called and said she was on her way. I hurried up and got dressed again, and then we took two buses out to South Side. I wanted to get there early so there would be less people, but luckily it wasn’t too packed, maybe because it was a Monday. I didn’t get as much food as last time, maybe because it was later or there was a different person doing it. It was still good though, and the service was great. This time we also got dessert. Their website isn’t working so I can’t get their exact names, but one was a Godiva cheesecake, and the other was a Belgian chocolate with chocolate mousse one, which was the best.

That Wednesday my mom wanted to take her father out as a belated Father’s Day present, since the place she had wanted to take him was closed the day of. We went to Lunardi’s in Beechview. I had some type of spaghetti (most likely linguine) with garlic and olive oil, and both of them had different types of veal. My dish was okay, but nothing special. My mother and Pap Pap mostly talked about Italy (which she loves) and books (which we all love), and he had brought some books so he let her borrow some. One was something like Tales of/from China Town, another a Kippling book (Mark of the Beast?), and the last one which I’m going to start when I get the chance is The Moonstone. I’ve been wanting to read that for a while, since I saw an episode of Wishbone on it ages ago.

Today we went to see the movie My Sisters Keeper at Southside Works, and it just started off bad. We got there a little more than a half an hour early, and though they weren’t officially opened yet, it turns out that on Monday’s they show a kids movie for free. This week it was Tale of Despereux. So we paying customers got to stand outside and wait for about 30 minutes while all the free people went in. When we got in my mom was pissed off to find out the $5 day was only Mondays, although we both could have sworn the woman last time said it was both days. When we got up to the concession stand was and started to head towards the bathroom (because after going out and walking around you’ve just got the dirt and pollution all over you) a woman behind the counter freaks out and starts yelling at us for our tickets. There still wasn’t anyone up there to take them, even though there were about 6 people behind the counter. Then after we give her the tickets she starts yelling at us again that our movie is the other way, before she finally realizes we’re going to the bathroom, and announces it to the whole room. All the floor in front of the stand was covered in popcorn, all because of the free movie beforehand. I’ve never seen such a mess in a theatre before. People are so obnoxious (because there won’t only kids there), and the brats that did it themselves need to be taught how to act in public. But so many adults don’t that themselves, so it’s not surprising. The movie itself was also disappointing. In fact, I hated it, which is pretty rare for me. I’ll have a review of it up at ControverSHE soon, and there’s already one up for the book. Before it there were trailers for Julie & Julia, The Time-Travelers Wife, and some new Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler movie called Funny People. I guess Julie & Julia looked cute (rentable), mostly buoyed by the charming Amy Adams (not to overlook Meryl), and the last one looked like it could be funny (also rentable). Time-Travelers Wife did have an interesting concept when you get past all the other crap, but romance isn’t really my thing. Our bad day continued on from there. From the theatre in South Side we walked all the way to Station Square and waited about an hour for our stupid bus to get there, all because my mom didn’t want to wait at the stop near there. We got to Jamie’s early for dinner and late for lunch so we had to sit there for a while, and we got two snippy waitresses who were really pissing us off. The food was messed up, but I did get a nice “death by chocolate” dessert, not as nice as Cheesecake Factory of course. After that we went home. So that was the last three times I went out. We’ve been able to go out to eat and to movies so much because my mom has been dipping into our savings, but it’s not going to last. I don’t even know when we’ll get to go to The Cheesecake Factory again. I’d hope next week maybe, but I won’t hold my breath