Psycho Patrol Part 2

(8/25 edit Because I’m having trouble editing Psycho Patrol I’ve split it into two posts, here’s the second)

Got on long enough to check my email and found out Egg Cave has released a couple new eggs to celebrate their birthday. Why is every site I’m on having events right now?

When I was going to add this I saw this I saw a post of mine titled “Go Away Winter”… COME BACK WINTER!

7/22

Now some dark brown liquid has come out from under the fridge, and it’s definitely from under not in. Do your best not to break fridge.

Finally getting to update this

I just found that Subeta OF COURSE having an event right now.

Today wasn’t supposed to be as bad as yesterday, according to the stupid weatherman. You would have the same amount of luck trying to predict the weather with a magic 8 ball. It was worse than yesterday. I only got a few hours sleep today, and not quality sleep. I hovered somewhere in between being asleep and being awake, where nothing makes sense and everything is so confusing. It’s been raining so it’s actually nice out right now when there’s a breeze, but none of that is coming inside.

I think the liquid from the fridge came from the tray that’s supposed to keep the ice that melts. It’s been so hot that the tray overfilled. There was a lot of it, and much of it is still under and behind the fridge. I told Cynthia before she went out today with her niece Naomi, and when she came back she told me she bought a fridge. Sears resells fridges and other appliances that are sent back because of scratches and dents, so she managed to get a fairly new fridge for only $300. This fridge only has the last the weekend. I’m looking forward to saying good riddance to this fridge, and it’s horrible exposed coils.

I’ve been without internet for 10 days so far (this time).

Internet… work on July 31 so I can try to be one of the first to get into Pottermore!

7/23

Already I can feel tonight is cooler than the previous two nights, thank God.

Cynthia said yesterday she might get me a cake from Kribel’s. Even if she doesn’t, it’s really the thought that counts for me. I was happy that she even thought of doing it.

7/24

I have more to say about what happened yesterday, but I can’t type it right now. I just want to say I got see the A:LOK (I will NOT call it TLA:LOK) trailer and other Korra related stuff from SDCC and… Mako is a hottie! Cute, brooding, older, AND fire bender? Rawr. He better have a good voice actor too.

Well I can write what I wanted to now. I hadn’t planned on it because I wanted to continue watching Code Geass. For once I want my alarm to go downstairs and check for me, because if he goes down there I’ll know all is well. No matter what it bothers me that she did this. She is so naïve and acts like this is a fortress! So it’s up to me at all times, not just in instances like this, to make sure everything is locked up and is secure as it can be. There’s more but I can’t say them on here, even if the post is private. Yes! Tiger did go down though not to the area of the cellar I wanted him to, but it’s good enough.

I haven’t really slept the past couple days. One day it was unbearably hot, and yesterday my mom called for me to come down there. She had finally gone over there to start getting her stuff together. She has to be out in two weeks. She says she’s going to sell most of it because she can’t afford to pay movers or put it in storage. My stuff is all on the chopping block as well, and I can’t bring much more here or Cynthia will flip. She’s been storing stuff for my mom since I was a little kid and wants it out of her basement.

Yesterday I only took a few things with me because I couldn’t carry anymore and it’s so freaking hot. That hill is horrible enough normally, going up that hill when I already feel like my lungs are being crushed? I mostly took Nanny’s things that we raided from her house a few years ago, and some of my most important stuffed animals. My poor stuffed animals that because of my moms negligence have bald spots due to moths eating them! They were in what used to be my moms room then I took it over when she wasn’t there much, and when I left she started dumping everything she couldn’t find room for elsewhere. And then the moths took over.

I am not going down there today, not happening. I want to sleep, I so desperately want to sleep. But I found out a lot while I was down there. First and foremost that SHE IS TALKING TO Wdisney AGAIN! She is talking to him so much that when Randy bought her 200 minutes for her phone she ran out because Wdisney kept calling her! And she answered! And she told him who she was with! WTF is wrong with her?! Of course Wdisney doesn’t want her staying at Randy’s, her told her to ask her friend Tina if she could stay there. Tina… who’s a cop… I understand why he doesn’t want her at Randy’s but what’s his reasoning in sending her to a cop house? Well, either my mom didn’t ask or Tina didn’t want her. And on the subject of cops, Walt told her the cops treated him worse than everyone else and he couldn’t understand why. They even let him out at 2:30 in the morning downtown when he had no money to call anyone and nowhere to go. I won’t say here her theory as to why. Today when she asked if he wanted to come over, and mentioned she had beer, he said he didn’t want it because “Lurch”, his nickname for Randy, brought it. My mom has decided against Texas, and is now talking about going to Maryland if she can find anyone to put her up for a while, and of course Walt is against that was well. “You’re not going to Maryland without me!” he said. She’s pissing me off so much. She started talking to him again, actually SAW him (at he cried on her shoulder), and got money off him for 200 more minutes. And she has no problems with pissing him off, when if he went after anyone he would come here because he doesn’t know where Randy lives, and probably couldn’t get there if he did. But he knows where we live.

[removed]

Since she needed to buy more minutes for her phone we walked to Brookline. It’s a pretty short walk, but the majority of it is up a very steep hill. And me + hill + HEAT do not mix. But the return trip was much easier.

My mom even offered to get me a cake from Kribels! I told her to ask Cynthia, who told her she was going to order the cake herself. My mom still said she’d pay for it and pick it up because she has a lot of food stamps left. I still didn’t know who was going to order it, but when I got back Cynthia said she had already done it. I tried to call my mom and tell her not to order it herself, but she had turned her phone off so she wouldn’t get any calls from Wdisney (just not answer?)

Randy offered to take me to Red Lobster on my birthday. I’d asked my mom about it last year and she said she’d think about it, then called back immediately crying and saying she couldn’t go out with another man. My mother has agreed to go this time, but we’ll see if she follows through. So on Monday she’s supposed to go apply for welfare first, then pick up my cake, and then go out to Red Lobster. And for some reason she also told Walt what she was doing! So then he complained about her going to Red Lobster with Randy.

If it does happen hopefully my crab linguini alfredo will be there. I wrote about it last birthday, the disappointment of losing one of my favorite dishes. But Cynthia always asked me if they’d brought it back, and a few months ago I checked and it was on their menu online again. We’ll see if it’s still there. At least Chocolate Wave cake is there. Assuming they haven’t got rid of that as well. I’d say “that has to be a favorite, they wouldn’t get rid of that”, but crab linguini alfredo was supposed to be a “traditional favorite” and they got rid of that so… Also, I hope Red Lobster isn’t a singing restaurant. Or that at least my mom won’t say anything! A while ago, when we were still in Arizona she told the waitress/waiter at Claim Jumpers that it was my birthday (it wasn’t) and they sang to me. The only reason she survived that was because there were witnesses. My mom still cackles about it to this day.

[removed]

Every day the weathermen say that the next day is going to be cooler, that the temperatures are going down. They’ve done this for at least the past 4. And the temperature has been the same every single freaking day. This is why I call them overpaid psychics. They have never any clue what they’re talking about. I’ve never sweated so much before. It’s like I’m being rained on, and I’m always soaked. And thanks to this cat fur, dirt, and everything else that touches is sticking to me! It’s impossible to get clean! Anyone who ever complains about the cold again deserves… I won’t say since I don’t want to be smited… uh, Open Office says that isn’t a word… and it doesn’t give anything but smite and smites. Too bad, it’s smited now.

7/26

I’m officially old now. 21. It actually wasn’t that bad of a birthday, not as bad as last year, and not as bad as I was expecting. I got three cards from Cynthia, Cyndy, and my other great aunt, Nita. My grandfather has either forgotten my birthday or the card is late. I don’t expect money from him like the others, but considering he sends cards to Naomi and Kay (my cousins probably?) it’s kind of insulting, and this wouldn’t be the first year he’s forgotten since he started sending birthday cards to all these other people. Bonnie doesn’t send cards anymore, I think she’s still angry with me over my losing my temper with her when she was staying with us after the house burned down. I got $150, plus three scratch cards that I haven’t checked yet. $100 of it has to go on a Visa gift card, and the $50 is going to my internet fund.

My mother didn’t change her mind about Red Lobster, so at 2 PM Randy picked us up and we went over his place, because he always stops at home after work to take a shower. I love Randy’s townhouse, and the air conditioning~ it was lovely. Then my mom wanted me to make flyers for her sale this saturday. Randy got a new computer, which my mom said he spent a lot of money on. I think it was a waste. It has a pretty good monitor, but not only is it a Gateway, it only has a 500 GB hard drive and the other specs were low too. 500 GB is what laptops come with now, so I think it’s a waste. Also, he uses internet explorer (with lots of toolbars), instead of a more secure browser like firefox or chrome with adblock, so it’s probably going to be riddled with viruses and errors soon. But his internet, so freaking fast! I had to download Open Office to make the flyers, since he didn’t have Microsoft Office. It was a fairly large file and it downloaded at 1.5MB! He has Verizon, but he also had something hooked up to it, which was about the size of a flash drive, possibly another wireless router? Verizon comes with wireless, but I don’t know if they give you one of those things. I saw Verizon’s router in the garage with its box.

It took a while because we were having trouble with the printer, but we finally got to Red Lobster. Since I had access to the internet I checked the menu on their website beforehand and was happy to see they still listed crab linguini alfredo, but I didn’t know if they really had it. They did! No flounder of betrayal this year! I thought I was never going to eat it again! I was good and only ate one cheddar bay biscuit so I could eat it and my chocolate wave cake. I teased my mom because I twirl paste perfectly while she has to use a spoon and still messes it up. It’s a completely worthless talent but I enjoy it. My mom had crab and struggled with it. She threatened to, but she didn’t tell them it was my birthday. I still had to hear the staff singing though. It was the birthday of one of the people behind us, and someone further down the restaurant. My mom did slip up and mention my birthday once, but the waitress didn’t hear her.

When we got back to Randy’s I called Cyndy and asked her about getting internet. She agreed to it, but I don’t know if she’ll remember it. Hopefully she will so I don’t have to go through that again. Then my mom made me talk to Laura. Many people joked about me drinking that day, and Laura was no different.

My mom isn’t going to be living in Maryland, since she couldn’t find anyone to take her in. Laura wouldn’t, her parents have Whitney, Laura’s daughter, Whitney’s two kids, and one of Whitney’s friends living with them, and my godfather has his niece with him. But we may still get to Maryland. Cyndy can’t go because she’s going to California in September to see my uncle. But Randy’s got a vacation coming up in late August so maybe then. And that’s a big maybe. Despite having nowhere to go she still doesn’t want to stay with Randy. She’s an idiot. He has a nice place, good cable, internet, AIR CONDITIONING, it’s a nice area. She should be glad someone wants to take care of her.

7/28

I don’t know when I’ll be able to get it online, but I finally made a layout for my Subeta profile. It features Schneizel of course, since my username is Schneizel on there.

I’m trying to do as much of the Subeta plot as I can, but it’s difficult because I can only access the internet for a few minutes at a time, then

[removed]

7/30

I talked to Cyndy today. She was offering to take me out somewhere today or next Saturday. I told her I didn’t feel right asking her to take me out when I’ve asked her to pay for my internet. She said it doesn’t matter, that taking me out is something she wants to do, that she already said she’d pay for internet, and that I deserve it. It’s a nice sentiment but she doesn’t know how much it’ll cost.

When Randy took us to Red Lobster for my birthday we drove by a Verizon store. On the side of their building was a sign that said “rule the air”. At least they’re honest about their intentions.

I think I’ve forgotten how to sleep.

8/10

I haven’t written anything in a little over a week. It might seem longer than that here, since I chose not to post some of it. I actually had the chance to get internet installed tomorrow. Cynthia said yes, Cyndy agreed to pay for it and Comcast. They were supposed to install it tomorrow, but I had to tell her to hold off for now because I’m working on something else. The “something else” that I mentioned on Twitter as well, is one of the things I decided not to post here. As soon as my mother and Wdisney ran into trouble and she got the eviction notice she’s been staying with Randy who wants her to live with him. My mother talked to me about it the first time I went down there but I didn’t take her seriously and didn’t even think about it because I know she doesn’t want to. [removed] I started seriously thinking about it the end of last month, it’s something I’ve decided to push for, and have been praying quite fervently about (something else I left out, this all has made me if nothing else a God fearing Christian).

[removed]

But I’m still waiting for my stupid mom to make up her mind. It could really go either way. She’s still talking to Wdisney, he even stayed over the weekend there and when I talked to her on Monday she said she had bruises on her from arguing with him despite thinking that “he wouldn’t do anything since he’d go to jail again.” Idiot. He’s saving up money right now for them to get an apartment together. [removed] SHE BETTER NOT GET US INVOLVED IN HER TROUBLES. She needs to think more about how the consequences of her actions affect other people. I feel like I’ve said that before. Since I’ve been thinking about this for over a week now my opinion on it has been getting stronger and stronger that now if my mother decides not to live with Randy I will be furious. To the point where I may never talk to her again. Everyone is telling her this is the best option. To do the smart thing. Even one of her friends said to follow her head and not her heart (because she’s just luuubbs the psycho Wdisney). When I talked to her on Monday she was still thinking about it, today when I called her she didn’t mention it at all because [removed] He was supposed to bring boxes after work and he hadn’t shown up yet. [removed] She’s supposed to be out of there tomorrow, but she said she’s not leaving until the weekend. I expect (doesn’t mean I’ll get it) an answer within the next week and I want it to be in the positive. It better freaking be in the positive. I tried not to get my hopes up, but when I see a chance to get something I want I take it. [removed]

[removed]

Pittsburgh is being called Batburgh now, since The Dark Knight Rises is filming here. Very exciting. I had wanted to be on of the extras at Heinz Field but I’m glad I didn’t try since they were filming a winter scene and everyone had to wear coats. It had to have been awful, I wouldn’t have survived. Though some extras (I don’t think those ones) got Gotham Rogue t-shirts… so lucky. Cyndy took me out on Saturday and while driving through South Side I saw one of the shirts displayed in a businesses window. And our wonderful Steelers got to play the Gotham Rogue’s themselves! Their team colors? Our team colors! And while they couldn’t use Terrible Towels since they have the Steelers logo on it, apparently they gave them gold handkerchiefs to wave around. Eeeeeeeehehehe. Movies have filmed here before, but nothing like this, we’re Gotham freaking City and the Steelers are Gotham’s football team. Even if this ends up being the last movie like Nolan says, what a way to go, with our Pittsburgh pride on display! Fuck the Patriots! The redneck Cowboys! Did YOU get to be in Batman? NO? Your fans didn’t get to be in Batman? NO? Of course not! Who would want to see you in a movie. I’m not even going to bother question marking that.

I just looked and I haven’t updated this since the 24th, wow.

Oh, yes, the patrol has ended now. He’s not living near here and they’re still talking so it’s doubtful he’ll show up. Unfortunately my nerves have been destroyed by this and I feel sick all the time so I’m still not sleeping. My mother complained today about how sick she feels from anxiety. I told her the same thing on Monday, and now all of a sudden she’s sick too. Hmm. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s appropriated a health problem of mine.

And edited version of this post will be made public when I have internet access again.

I did end up getting my Schneizel profile layout online. I like the way it turned out, though I’m not sure about the link color, it might be too bright for the background. I named all the headers after Code Geass things like Avalon, Pendragon, In Vogue, and the pets section is called Kanon ^^ I even managed to nicely fit three columns in.

I managed to participate well enough in the plot. I do need to train my battling pet more though. Etedot is only at level 63 with other stats at 150-60, not in the thousands she needs to be to fight against big baddies like the Temple Guardian.

I watched Linda Linda Linda the other day, it has been on my Netflix list for years, but I bumped it up because I knew it had the song Linda Linda in it. I was expecting that one, but I was surprised to hear Izaya’s cover song too. And it is the word rat in Linda Linda, I wasn’t sure if I was hearing it right. Strange song but so much fun. Movie was boring though, I rather watch K-ON.

8/18

[removed]

I’m going to have a lot to apologize for tonight when I pray. (That was about my above rant, which has been removed)

My site was down yesterday for about 24 hours and I’ve lost some ad spots because of it, and I can’t place new ones because the stupid ad site has messed with their coding and adding links doesn’t work now.

At least I’m getting on enough to participate in two more events sites I’m on are having. I also joined World of Umbria which has some nice adoptables.

My year anniversary at VDex Project on July 29th. VDex is one of the sites that’s having an event right now (another event, and two more in the coming weeks). And my 1 year Subeta anniversary is on September 11. ily Subeta. While thinking about my wonderful new Schneizel profile layout there I realize… I spent all my good layout making luck on my Subeta profile, when my Schneizel fanlisting still needs a good layout. Schneizel has been very difficult in layout making, so I can’t see myself making another good Schneizel layout, so I may just use the same one at the Schneizel fl. Oh hey I got a trophy from the plot… a Bronze Steele Plot Trophy probably the lowest one you can get… but still a trophy! I just found out on Subeta that their rival stupid Neopets had a plot. Krawk Island maybe? I just plan on logging in there enough to keep my accounts I am done with Neopets. I have Subeta now, it’s much more fun and easier. I can’t wait to get internet back so I can do my quests again. I made it up to 30 million sP before weakness took over and I spent it all. Now I need more sP to spend!

8/19

I called my mom today. I tried to set myself up to be disappointed, and I was, but not in the way I expected to be. After getting up the courage to ask her if she’d made up her mind she said “Oh, that. Yes, but there’s a problem.” Randy (from now on referred to as Brigham Young) has been talking to some woman (forever after this referred to as [removed]) he met on a cruise, and she has decided to move here to live with him. So for now my mother is staying there, and [removed] will be as well. Because she waited around too long I’ve lost my chance. She could make him change his mind about it if she was so inclined, but of course she doesn’t care about this like I do. It was devastating and something I was completely unprepared for. I’ll call Cyndy about the internet tomorrow. I don’t want to talk anymore about it.

8/20

My [removed] mother called at 6:21 and when I got to the phone she said she’d call back in 10 minutes. It’s 7:19 now. Why did she even bother to call? She was drunk too.

8/22

My mom called today and said she and Randy hooked up (her words, not mine) and that he’s supposed to call that lady (I’ll be nice for now) and tell her not to come, but he doesn’t want to (so I’ll still be calling him Brigham Young under the circumstances) so she still may end up coming. So I’m not going to get my hopes up again. Still, I’m one step closer.

Today is Pap Pap’s birthday, my grandfather is 90 now. My mom said it is also Nita’s birthday, Pap Pap’s sister in law. If I’d known I would have sent her a card, she’s been very good to me sending money for the holidays.

8/23

My poor baby! She got the handle of a cloth bag (filled with heavy things) stuck around her abdomen. I was so scared that I would hurt her or that I wouldn’t be able to get it off and she would die. I thought of cutting it but it was too digging into her too much. I did end up getting the bag off her, but I yelled at her a lot. [removed]

I only just realized I could have taken everything out of the bag. I’m not good in a crisis. Allie seems to be better. While she still isn’t talking as much as she usually does she meowed when I got up, and meowed a couple times when I came up here after eating. She’s laying on my foot right now.

There was an earthquake, but I was asleep so I missed it. I called my mom to ask if she’d felt it, but she didn’t answer at Randy’s or on her cell phone.

8/25

Allie’s definitely got her meow back. Cynthia went out with Karen today, and brought KFC home. When I went down to eat Allie was mrowing her head off. MROW MROW MROW

I can stop calling Randy Brigham Young now, post is coming.

Google why? Gmail messed up the formatting on my email signature, so I had to edit it again for both my email accounts, and Google cleared my Google+ about page and I had to do it again. Adding all those links twice was not fun Google.

4th Birthday

I better do this before I forget again. Today is this site’s 4 year anniversary. It’s been online since September 6, 2006. At least I think that’s 4 years, I did fail math every year since the 7th grade… I’ll post something again soon, I just haven’t felt like it recently. But I can tell you the next post will involve my mother, my aunt, Kuroshitsuji II, Mitsudomoe, and Shiki. So, the usual. Since I’m trying to catch up with the Bleach manga right now, I’m using a Bleach icon.

Flounder of Pain and Regret

Quite the melodramatic title, no? Today is my birthday. And it is not a happy occasion. Luckily, only one person has said “happy birthday” and that was over the phone, so I couldn’t hit them (her, it was my mom). I am officially out of my teen years. Another unhappy thing. I never thought (or wanted) I’d make it to 20. I didn’t think I’d make it to 18 (didn’t want to then either). The one good thing that was supposed to happen today turned out bad. Of course. Cynthia took me to Red Lobster like she said she would. Karen (the probably cousin) took us. I’ve been eating the same thing there since I was 11, or slightly younger. And I ate it the last time I was there, sometime in April. But when I went there today. Gone. They took my favorite dish, and the only thing I liked, off the menu. Bye bye Crab Linguini Alfredo. Hello Shrimp and Crab Linguini Alfredo with tomatoes for $4 more. So I got to eat flounder, which I don’t particularly like, I’m not a fish person, gagging on it the entire time. I almost cried when the woman said they didn’t have my dish anymore. It might sound silly to cry over spaghetti, but I only get to Red Lobster a few times a year, and I always look forward to it. I was looking forward to it this time, the only thing I had to look forward too, and it turned out horribly. I did get my Chocolate Wave cake, but I was so filled on disgusting flounder that I couldn’t eat it all. I didn’t think of it til I got home, but why couldn’t they still have given me Crab Linguini Alfredo? All they’d have to do is not put in the shrimp and tomatoes. What’s the big deal? When we got back my mom had called, so I called her and told her what happened. She’s the one who wished me the happy birthday, nothing happy about it. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in years, I don’t see what’s to celebrate in the worst day of my life. Since I was a kid I always thought it would have been better if I hadn’t been born. My mother said she still wasn’t feeling well, so she still hadn’t gone to the store, and she might tomorrow. She also said no other cards for me had come, not from Cyndy or Nita, just the one from Pap Pap.

Cyndy did call yesterday. She called my mom (or my mom called her), and while talking to her found out I was staying up here. Apparently my mom told her all about her troubles, how she was fired, and no one would hire her (it would help if she’d apply at a few places). Cyndy doesn’t like the white trash bastard either. When I talked to Cynthia after, Cyndy had told her she had met him once, and I’d already told her what an ass he was. Even Cyndy said that if I guy starts acting like that, you get rid of him in the beginning. Cyndy asked me how I was and I gave the usual “fine”. She said I could always call her if I wanted to do something. She mentioned the Aviary, which would be nice, but it sounded like she’d been drinking, so she might not remember if I said something, and the way she was talking sounded so much like my mother that it upset me.

My mom said it was good that I got out at all, but I would have rather not gone if I had known this would happen. I wasn’t in a particularly good mood this morning, but I was in a better mood when I woke up than I am now. At least the last “new” Poirot is on PBS tonight if the power doesn’t go out again and if the station is coming in right.

The Day the Fandom Exploded

Edit Dec 7: lol, Crack Geass: Timeskipping with Goro Taniguchi (I thought there might be another manga after the last ones did badly) and update 4, that’s our Sunrise. There’s been rumors for a while now, in January Sunrise said they had some important news to give out, and someone on LJ said it was a rumor online from a source that is usually right. I thought if anything was going to happen today would be the day, so I was hoping for it and I was right. The first thing I saw when I went to ANN was New Code Geass Project’s Launch Revealed (Updated) Bandai’s mobile phone website promises more details in 2010. And on LiveJournal [News] New Code Geass Project!!! (plus this birthday event). So the CG fandom has exploded, as to be expected. Apparently it’s a very popular topic for bloggers in Japan. I’m in the camp that if I can, I will watch whatever it is they throw at me because it’s Code freaking Geass. Some think it’ll be a movie/ova because one of the seiyuu at the birthday event seemed to keep emphasizing that although the TV anime was over… In any case I’m so happy! We’ve been waiting for this (except those of us who weren’t) for so long! Squeeee! And happy birthday Lelouch!

A Birthday Post

My mother was home one night between then and now, and I saw her a couple times but mostly she wasn’t here and didn’t call. She also didn’t phone on the 24th but finally did on the 25th. On the day that she was home I finished the first season of The Tudors, and watched Transformers, and she was here I got to send the Netflix back sooner so my next ones will be here on Monday. Whenever I feel like I’ll do a review of both. Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 19 now. She waited until 11:07 to call me since that’s when I was born, and said she was just getting ready to get my cake and would be home at around 12. She actually did show up when she said she would, a few minutes after I’d gotten of the phone with Cynthia. I still didn’t get the cake I wanted. I was there when my mom phoned in the order for the cake so I know she said white and pink, but instead of white it’s a sort of ivory color. My mom thought it looked nice, but it’s not her cake. After she got home my mom called Cynthia to ask if she wanted to come out to eat with us, even though I told her Cynthia had said she wasn’t feeling well. Cynthia told her about Amberly’s (Amberlee?) birthday party which they were having on the 25th since her birthday was on Sunday. My mom thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn’t have to pay to take me out. That made me furious. Like I told her I’m not going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday. And then she said that they’d be paying attention to me since it was my birthday as well and they hadn’t seen me in a while, which is bull. They’re only extended family, cousins and stuff, and I barely know any of them. Some I’ve only seen a few times before. I refused to go, so she took me to Eat ‘n Park. Despite that crap before hand, we did have a good time out. After she took me to a store on the corner called Moonstones. It’s a Wiccan/New Age sort of store, and I’ve seen it for years but never had a chance to go in since I was always with my great aunt and she’s very Christian. A few months ago they moved to a bigger location, so there two rooms and an upstairs full of cool stuff. I saw a lot of things I liked and my mom bought me this round box with a witchy cat on the top, and a beautiful picture frame with a dragonfly at the top and fake jewels all around the edges. I don’t have a camera (I did have a rinky dink digital one but had to throw it away because the batteries were dissolving inside it) so I can’t take any pictures, but if I ever get one I will because I love them. They’re the best gifts I’ve gotten from her in years. I’m going back there to get another Chinese looking box, maybe a dragon box, maybe a pretty green Indian looking scarf (it sort of looked like the colorful things they put over their heads), and maybe a shirt and skirt, depending on how much all of it would cost, and if I could even fit into the last two. After Moonstones we stopped at the used bookstore. She wanted to get Angels and Demons since she just finished the first book, and she got me Rosemary’s Baby and Queen of the Damned. I saw the Rosemary’s Baby movie and didn’t like it too much, but maybe the book was better. Queen of the Damned was a bad movie, and I hate Anne Rice, but I liked one of the characters so I’ve been thinking about reading it. They still didn’t have Stephen King’s Rose Red though, I really want to read that book.

My mom took off tomorrow so we can go see the Harry Potter movie and go out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I’m hoping we can stop at Moonstones again after that. Cheesecake Factory is the only restaurant we have left. We can’t go to the Huddle anymore because the past few times we went they kept screwing up our orders so I’m not going to put up with it anymore. We can’t go to Jamie’s anymore either, which pisses me off so much. Jamie doesn’t even own it anymore, Phil does. Phil is our stupid old landlord. We lost our house to him and now we’ve lost our restaurant. Phil bought into Jamie’s and as soon as he started the place started going downhill. He hired new staff (very rude and arrogant), changed the recipes (ruining my spots), and he even changed the name from Jamie’s to “Cafe J,” so pretentious. Jamie owed him money so Phil took it over. I think the reason Jamie owed him money was because Phil kept making all these changes on his own, and expected Jamie to pay for it as well. When Jamie couldn’t he just took the place over. That’s my theory anyway. We hate Phil, and we hate what he’s doing to the place, so we can’t go there anymore.

Great. My index finger, the one that was originally bothering me, and some more on that hand are feeling a little tingly. I’m never going to get to a doctor. Now my mom is talking about switching doctors, and by the time she does it, and they update my card it’ll be months from now. And I don’t want a new doctor, I want the one I’ve been going to. This is serious but my mom still won’t take it that way. And right now she’s more worried about herself, because her arm is swelling again from the bug bites she’s gotten recently. She’s worried she’ll lose her arm if it gets any worse. Huh, I’m worried about losing limbs, or getting blood clots, or being paralyzed, but it’s nothing, I’m being a hypochondriac. But when it’s her it’s serious.

Yesterday I told her how my only hope for getting a computer is Cyndy, and she agreed, and that she was going to ask her for help. She said again how Cyndy used to have a college fund for me, which I remember Cyndy telling me when I was little. But I don’t know how much is in there, or if it even still exists. She said if Cyndy did still have it I could take a class that I wanted to, like Japanese, or take off for a while. Even she doesn’t know what I should do. We’ll see if she changes her tune. I need to get medical help first, because I already know there are things I am not physically and mentally capable of doing, but there might be more things and I need actual proof.

Yesterday my depression alleviated itself for a while, but now it’s back again in full swing. At least I have something to look forward to.

Edit: Something to look forward to? HA! My mom just called from the hospital because her bug bite got worse, and they’re putting her on an IV, giving her antibiotics, and keeping her overnight. So nothing tomorrow, which means who knows when I’ll get to go out. She told me not to be worried, but why would I? If she was going to die from a bug bite she would be dead by now. She’s probably fine but made things worse by not doing anything about it. This would never have happened if she’d seen a doctor after it happened. No, she waits until she has to go to the hospital, a place where she’d never take me by the way. And yes, I’m thinking about myself. I tried to call Cynthia to complain to her but she didn’t answer so she must be asleep.

No Improvement

My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.

HP HS and MS

Wednesday was Harry Potter day. I’ll probably start re-reading the book soon, even though I’m sure the movie is nothing like it. I have to start Kazuo Ishiguro’s book Remains of the Day first anyway, since it has to go back to the library soon. For the first 4 movies I went to see all of them the day they came out, and I’m pretty sure the 5th one was the first I didn’t see day of. I didn’t see this one then either. I haven’t been out since Jamie’s. According to my mother she’ll probably have a day off the week after my birthday, so we’ll go see a movie and go out to lunch then. I’ll turn 19 in just a little over a week. I’m not looking forward to it anymore than the last time I posted.

Still also not looking forward to graduating. I have to get some more school done today. I only have two classes left, and it’ll be down to one in a couple hours. Then I have to do a stupid graduation project, and fill out some form (with required info on future ed or job) for my diploma. The graduation project is ridiculous. You have to write several different essays about different things like your long and short term goals, future plans, what you learned, crap like that. Goals, goals, goals, that’s something you always hear about in school, and how you’re supposed to make them, and sometimes forced to (or at least make something up for them). Your own personal beliefs don’t matter. I don’t believe in making goals. Sure have some things you want to do in life, but having a set list saying “I will do this, this, and this” is just plain stupid. You never know what’s going to happen to you, and it’s like resolutions, most people don’t end up following through with them. A lot of people don’t know what they want to do for a career anyway, or change their minds, which is why so many people meander through university or comm college trying to figure it out. Me? I don’t care, I’ll do whatever my family tells/wants me to do. Things like job and classes aren’t up to me.

Right now I only have one goal: to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I unfortunately have another possible reason for my poor health to add to my list. I was watching J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life on ABC and she was talking about when her mother got Multiple sclerosis, that she started getting numbness in various limbs and balance problems. It reminded me of myself so I looked up the symptoms. Of course I started getting numbness a few months ago, and I’ve had bad balance problems for years which are getting worse. I walk into walls (though that’s also because I have trouble judging distance) I’ll just be standing and all of a sudden just reel backwards. Now I reach out my hands when I walk around my house so I can sort of feel my way and grab myself if I start to fall. I also have coordination issues, fatigue, and memory/concentration problems. And I don’t just walk into a room and forget what I came in to do once in a while, or once a day, I am constantly forgetting things. I’ll be trying to say something and be in the middle and completely forget. Once I was talking to my mom and I just stopped in the middle and stared at the object in my hand for a while. She got frustrated and prodded me to continue with what I was saying and I yelled at her that I was trying to remember what this (what I was holding) was. It was a telephone. Of course all these could be because of my back (though MS also targets the spine along with the brain and optic nerves) and/or the head injury I had in the 4th grade. And it doesn’t account for other things like having trouble swallowing, pressure in my ears, or the pains in my sides. MS symptoms come and go, one of the reasons it’s so hard to diagnose, though my symptoms haven’t really. I’ve had some numbness in my toes, the next to last, since around the 7th grade, but it’s never been this bad. I get it every day now, along with my other numbness, usually in my leg(s), big toe(s) (when I’m laying down), or arms/hands. I get it in my arms and hands when they don’t stay straight in bed. Even they move in the slightest it starts getting numb. One early instance was when I was laying in bed with the laptop on my stomach reading manga. My arms and hands would get numb from having them on my stomach and edges of the computer. I noticed that problem, along with numbness in my feet, a little while before it all went to hell. Though it isn’t as bad as when it first started. Then my hands were numb constantly. I don’t know if you could call that remission or not. I also don’t know if my doctor or my mother would take my concerns seriously. My mother never does. If I talk to her tomorrow I might mention it. I only saw her once on Tuesday, and the rest of the days I didn’t even get a phone call from her, except Thursday, so it’s a toss up whether it’ll happen today. Now I have to go do some school so my annoying IS doesn’t whine some more.

Insert Heavy Sigh Here

Thought I’d put something up before I went to bed. It’s almost 7 AM, but I’ve cycled back into sleeping during the day again. It’s easier that way anyway. I’m not in a good mood. My depression has been in full swing for days. Usually it lets up for at least a few hours, but right now it’s been non-stop. I didn’t even get to go out at all this week. My mom said we’d go to Eat ‘n Park on Wednesday, then on Tuesday she said we’d go on Thursday, and of course we didn’t.

Today is my aunt Cyndy’s 50th birthday, though she refuses to admit it and keeps saying she’s something like 47. We were supposed to go write 50 on her cars windshield with a glass marker. It was my idea, and we’ve been talking about it for months. In late June my mom found out she’d have to work this day, but still said we’d find a way around it, by going there late on the day before, or the day of after she got off work. Now my plan is ruined, and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I never get to do anything fun like that, I’m at home everyday all the time.

My moms also been asking me what I want to do for my birthday (and like we’d actually end up doing it anyway). I don’t care, I hate my birthday. I’m 18 and already falling apart, I don’t want to get any older.

I’ve been thinking about starting a fansite again. I get the feeling from time to time, but it usually goes away. I used to love running fansites, it was my life and something I was actually good at. I’m not as good at blogging, or running a personal site. But other people, hackers, flamers, bitchy, I’d say practically evil competition ruined it for me. It made me miserable, and it was torture getting online everyday for something like that. It just wasn’t worth it. But still, I get the urge from time to time. It didn’t help that last night I decided to check out HPANA, which made me look to TLC, and eventually Mugglenet, and I saw on the latter an interview Natalia Tena did with the LA Times. That hurt. She’s the last one I ran a fansite for, the one that made me decide to give up fansites “forever.” Anything about Natalia Tena or Clemence Poesy still upsets me now. Not as much as it used to, but it still opens old wounds. That definitely didn’t help improve my mood any.

July First

It is now July. A month I have been dreading, just like I did last year, though this is even worse. The month I turn 19. The month I graduate high school. Not only does the idea of the future terrify me as it always has, for my future looks bleak, but I’m going to have my one joy and one of my most needed things taken away from me – a computer. I remember reading that the school won’t give you your diploma if you haven’t sent all the materials they sent you books, electronics, etc, back in. I don’t have a real computer of my own, just an old clunker, and some even older laptops. I won’t be able to do anything, including pay for my hosting and domains. My mother keeps saying she’s going to get me one and I keep saying with what? She’s been telling me she’s going to get me a computer for years. Just another unneeded stress on top of my already full pile of things that are making me anxious. Like, as I said before, the future. WTF am I supposed to do now? I have depression, serious depression that I’ve had for years and which only got worse over the years until I just stopped caring. Most people have plans, but I a) don’t believe in making plans when you have no idea what the future is a b) don’t care about much in this life, nothing interests me. I’m just waiting around for someone to tell me what to do, and believe me I’ve been given plenty of suggestions. Well, mainly one or two things suggested over and over. But I still don’t know how to get there. I’m seriously unwell, for a while just in my mind, but then I think the damage my brain got in the fourth grade just started getting worse and worse, and now I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me physically, except that I have a bad back. But the point is my mind doesn’t always work right all of the time, like with processing information, reaction time, judging distance, balance. And the physical and mental reacted to each other, and it was not pretty. That’s why I’ve always had to rely on another people. I could never survive on my own. If I had to I’d probably kill myself which wouldn’t matter because I’d probably end up dying anyway. I’m always having accidents, one of them’s bound to off me eventually.

So what do I, this worthless, pointless person, want? I’m just happy with existing now. Before I thought that was the worst thing, being alive but not living but then when my health started getting worse I just wanted to live and be well. It didn’t matter anymore, everything that was plaguing me before. So I don’t think on the big scale as much anymore, of what I think I should have, and what I think I deserve to have. I just want the things that bring me what little joy I have. A computer, internet, anime and manga, my domains, my sites, being able to sometimes buy the things I want and go out to places like The Cheesecake Factory. Because I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. And for myself I guess asking to be happy is to much, even though it’s always been my greatest wish above all else, so I guess I want to be okay. Or at least well. I think I would settle for keeping my depression if the rest of my health got better. Will I get that? Probably not, my track record of getting what I want hasn’t ever been that good, though it’s been a little better recently with the small things, like going out. For a time it was even better, when I was making more money online and could buy stuff online. But Google took that away from me, and is still trying to. So I’m just here waiting right now. Waiting for that dreaded day I finish my final class. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to get there. Waiting for my dreaded birthday. And waiting for my future. I can’t see this being a good month.