It is now July. A month I have been dreading, just like I did last year, though this is even worse. The month I turn 19. The month I graduate high school. Not only does the idea of the future terrify me as it always has, for my future looks bleak, but I’m going to have my one joy and one of my most needed things taken away from me – a computer. I remember reading that the school won’t give you your diploma if you haven’t sent all the materials they sent you books, electronics, etc, back in. I don’t have a real computer of my own, just an old clunker, and some even older laptops. I won’t be able to do anything, including pay for my hosting and domains. My mother keeps saying she’s going to get me one and I keep saying with what? She’s been telling me she’s going to get me a computer for years. Just another unneeded stress on top of my already full pile of things that are making me anxious. Like, as I said before, the future. WTF am I supposed to do now? I have depression, serious depression that I’ve had for years and which only got worse over the years until I just stopped caring. Most people have plans, but I a) don’t believe in making plans when you have no idea what the future is a b) don’t care about much in this life, nothing interests me. I’m just waiting around for someone to tell me what to do, and believe me I’ve been given plenty of suggestions. Well, mainly one or two things suggested over and over. But I still don’t know how to get there. I’m seriously unwell, for a while just in my mind, but then I think the damage my brain got in the fourth grade just started getting worse and worse, and now I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me physically, except that I have a bad back. But the point is my mind doesn’t always work right all of the time, like with processing information, reaction time, judging distance, balance. And the physical and mental reacted to each other, and it was not pretty. That’s why I’ve always had to rely on another people. I could never survive on my own. If I had to I’d probably kill myself which wouldn’t matter because I’d probably end up dying anyway. I’m always having accidents, one of them’s bound to off me eventually.
So what do I, this worthless, pointless person, want? I’m just happy with existing now. Before I thought that was the worst thing, being alive but not living but then when my health started getting worse I just wanted to live and be well. It didn’t matter anymore, everything that was plaguing me before. So I don’t think on the big scale as much anymore, of what I think I should have, and what I think I deserve to have. I just want the things that bring me what little joy I have. A computer, internet, anime and manga, my domains, my sites, being able to sometimes buy the things I want and go out to places like The Cheesecake Factory. Because I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. And for myself I guess asking to be happy is to much, even though it’s always been my greatest wish above all else, so I guess I want to be okay. Or at least well. I think I would settle for keeping my depression if the rest of my health got better. Will I get that? Probably not, my track record of getting what I want hasn’t ever been that good, though it’s been a little better recently with the small things, like going out. For a time it was even better, when I was making more money online and could buy stuff online. But Google took that away from me, and is still trying to. So I’m just here waiting right now. Waiting for that dreaded day I finish my final class. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to get there. Waiting for my dreaded birthday. And waiting for my future. I can’t see this being a good month.