Let’s Get This Over With

Obviously I haven’t felt like posting lately. I still don’t, but I’m forcing myself to. Today I finally went to the eye doctor. Ever since last year I’ve been pushing to see the eye doctor at Sears because I remembered that he was nice. I just didn’t remember how nice. The eye doctor there is such a nice guy, and seems like a very good doctor. So if anyone in the Pittsburgh area is looking for an eye doctor, go see the guy at Sears in South Hills Village. It’s tough getting out there now, for those who don’t have a car, Port Authority cut (and continues to cut) many of the bus and street car services. We had to take a bus downtown, then catch a street car because there aren’t any street cars that go all the way to South Hills Village for our area. You either have to go downtown and take the street car, or take the street car here, get off, then take another street car the rest of the way. I didn’t wait very long to see the doctor. My appointment was for 1 PM, but he saw me before then (he didn’t realize that until I got in – I was just there so he saw me). After checking my eyes he said the one of them, I think it was the left, had developed a mild (he said something about 2, level, minus, step?) astigmatism. He also said that my current prescription is too strong, and that this one should be much better, possibly even at little better than 20/20 (I didn’t know there was anything better). Since I had checked the headaches box, he asked about it, and I told him I was supposed to have an MRI done, because I’d been getting headaches for years, but that last year they got a lot worse, sometimes so bad that I couldn’t even stand. He asked why my PCP wasn’t sending me to a neurologist, since that would be better. I remembered that when I first went to him he talked about having me see a neurologist, but last time it was tough even getting the MRI from him. I think I know why, more on that later. Either way, he said, it was good that I was getting the MRI because any time there’s a big change in symptoms like that (like suddenly getting the worst headache you’ve ever experienced) you should get tests done. I also mentioned to the eye doctor that one of the reasons I was having the MRI done was because of the bad (in my opinion) head injury I’d had when I was younger, that left me temporarily blind. Since I got hit in the back of the head the eye doctor said it was a very good chance that it caused trouble, and thank goodness I got my vision back. After that we went to the Eat n Park out there, and managed to get a street car going all the way back here.

We also briefly discussed mommy dearest. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, and she hasn’t called in about a week. Last time she called Cynthia talked to her. The first time she was going to the store and wanted to know if I wanted anything. Cynthia told her milk and potato buds. We didn’t hear from her again until a couple days later when she called to ask when I was coming to get the stuff. Since she had gotten a ride to the store Cynthia asked why she didn’t drop the things off here, and that if it stays down there too long it’ll expire. My mom said that she couldn’t have people drive her all over town. Now, maybe that excuse would work if Cynthia lived across town, but we are literally right up the street, on the same street. A couple days later my mom called from the doctors to say that the nurse took her blood pressure, and that the new blood pressure medication she was taken made her blood pressure too low and that she was so dizzy. She also said that poor white trash bastard has a lump on his back, and that one of his arms gets numb (oh, how horrible). So she called for a Pam pity party. I don’t know what made her think she would get any sympathy from Cynthia, for either of them. Cynthia said he blood pressure sounded great, and that she would be happy to have bp as low as that. And as for the white trash bastard, both my hands were number for over a month, and she didn’t give a shit, but he gets some numbness? The poor, poor man. Then Cynthia started asking her about him again and suddenly my mom had to get off the phone because the doctor would be coming. She called again later, and when Cynthia asked what the doctor said about the blood pressure she didn’t say anything, probably because there was nothing wrong. Cynthia asked her again about the white trash bastard, and they got into a big argument. My mom started talking trash about me. I don’t know everything she said, but some of the things she said was that I never do anything but lay around, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I should get over it (the things she did to me). Cynthia mentioned that the my doctor said he wouldn’t sign any more disability papers until I had seen a psychologist, and my mom suddenly became very interested in taking me to get “help”, because she wants the money. After they were done Cynthia was swearing about her, and she rarely ever swears. At the most she occasionally says shit, usually just sugar, but this time she actually called her an asshole twice. Mommy dearest has a habit of projecting. Whatever she sees in herself she decides is other peoples problems. Everyone else does nothing, everyone else is a liar, everyone else is a hypochondriac. Meanwhile, all she has ever done when she had off was lay on the couch watching TV, literally not moving, she lies about every single thing, and is always saying something or other is wrong with her. This summer it was cancer. Even though she hadn’t seen a doctor she decided she had cancer, or “something just as bad” (in her words). It’s November now, and it seems she’s given up on trying to get attention that way. She’s been to the doctor quite a lot lately. A couple months ago her work made her go get x-rays because she was having back pain, and I know she’s been to the PCP at least twice in the last month, because she got new blood pressure medication from him, then went again to complain about dizziness. This is the reason I think the doctor has changed his tune in regards to me, my mother has gotten to him, and he won’t listen to me now. I had to prod him for the MRI paper that he had originally given me freely because of the problems I’d been having. But then my mom took the papers for my MRI, CT Scan, and blood test, lost them, and refused to get more. Then when I finally got there again (she took me so she could get him to sign the disability papers so she could get the money for it) she followed him in when he came to see me, and when I tried to take the papers talked down to me. So I know she’s been saying crap about me to him. All he and that nurse (who seems like a real bitch to begin with) care about now is trying to get me to a psychiatrist, and won’t listen to me. Today I wondered to Cynthia if I should take medication. But a) I don’t think it would do any good, and b) why should I have to pay the price for this? My mother is the one who caused this, it’s my mother who is insane. I can’t stand this mindset of “you are depressed. this is not okay. you must be happy. we will make you be happy.” Oh, and mommy dearest has bronchitis again. But she didn’t get it because she smoking. Because she’s not. Even though she was seen smoking. More than once. Everyone else is just mistaken. You know they’re just delusional, and you can’t trust what they see. She’s not a liar or anything…

Warning: Dangerously Long Post Ahead

Okay, okay, I said I’d do this so here it is. Lately I’ve mostly been on VDex Project, Magistream, and watching anime. I also, over the course of 6 hours, got caught up with the Bleach manga, and ugh. I’ll talk about that later. I’m with Bel right now trying to get the heart scale I need for the Recommendation Letter quest on VDex. I have him up to about 188/255 affection, and have been with him around 14 and he has yet to send me anything let alone a heart scale. I’m also stalking the Gacha corner for the remaining starters I need, as well as trying to get Thief TM from it, which also gives out heart scales. So far nothing. I am one Poke away from completing the starter set I need for the quest then all I’ll need is the heart scale. Then I plan on switching to Yun and maxing him out immediately for Mewtwo, then moving on Allen for Shaymin. It’ll take longer to max him out, but after I do I’ll finally be able to switch to Lyrit, which is the partner I want. Lyrit’s so hot. And a crazy stalker. Edward you have nothing on this bishie! I joined Magistream a few weeks ago, and I really like it. I’m going to be doing an article on all the best adoptables sites soon, so I’ll cover that then. But for now you can see my Magistream creatures to the right in the sidebar. If you want you can give them a click to help them grow.

And yes, anime. Mitsudomoe is ending very soon! Luckily there will be a second season. I love Mitsudomoe! I didn’t expect to because the humor is pretty juvenile, and I don’t really like that sort of thing, but this show is freaking hilarious. Stupid, but hilarious. HOTD, also not my thing (say it Megan: highschoolhighschoolhigh school) I’m not a big fanservice fan (unless it’s fanservice for the girls~), but it’s too much fun. That’s the reason I don’t usually like zombie stories, along with other apocalyptic tales. They’re so depressing. And not in a good way. HOTD (where I am anyway – 7/12) focuses more on the zombie ass kicking aspects of it. You’re too hyped up on adrenaline to care about things like mass hysteria and the world you once knew collapsing around you. You’re watching people beat the crap out of zombies! This makes it seem like a zombie apocalypse would be fun! Kuroshitsuji II ended up being surprisingly awesome. But there I was at episode 10, loving where the series was going, and then my little anime world was shattered. I found out it is only 12 episodes. Just when I was thinking “oh, A-1 Pictures, I’m so sorry for doubting you” it turned into “A-1 Pictures you freaking creeps how can you treat me like this?!!!” MAL hasn’t listed the episode count for the time it’s been playing, so I didn’t know what to expect. I expected more than 12 episodes though! I feel cheated. They made us wait a while as they kept pushing back the date, then screwed with us about the new demon butler and master, and they finally managed to do a good story (the last Kuroshitsuji anime, which also deviated from the manga, was pure crap) and they only do 12 episodes. Though episode 11 and ultimately the final one could be bad, but TastyMelon hasn’t released 11 yet. Shiki also turned out to be surprisingly awesome. I didn’t love the first episode (I rarely do) and the animation put me off a little, but it’s turning out so good. Sick of sparkly, “romantic” vampires and vampire knights? This is the anime for you. This is how you do vampires. And damn that Murasako Masao is one strange looking troll. When I watch the next episode I will torment myself again and watch it at night – just for the kicks. I didn’t learn my lesson with Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, or even the last time I watched Shiki. I just started watching it sometime after midnight and the thought occurred to me a couple hours later “maybe I shouldn’t be watching this at night?” and then “I really shouldn’t be watching this at night!” Did I stop? Of course not! As for the other airing shows that I am watching, it’s mostly just to torment myself. Seitokai Yakuindomo, I hate, Amagami SS, I hate slightly less, Seikimatsu Occult Gakuin just gets an “eh” from me, The Redundant Title of Redundancy and Nurarihyon no Mago… I’m dealing with it. And as for Ookami-san, I still haven’t gotten past the first episode. Unfortunately for me all the anime that I’m enjoying is either ending or possibly going on hiatus (we don’t know yet how the Shiki hiatus on one channel will affect our watching). And with the new season seeming pretty blah this is not good news for me.

I do at least have one currently airing television show here to look forward to and that is Destination Truth, with the hot geek Josh Gates. The new season started yesterday. I don’t have cable right now, but Syfy and Hulu both have the previous episodes available on their websites for a short time. The first Destination Truth episode of the season featured Josh and his team went to Pompeii to search for ghosts, and to Africa to search for a beast called the Nandi Bear. Destination Truth is an awesome cryptozoology/paranormal show that airs on Syfy channel. They go to places and investigate things that no one else does (they’ve even been to Chernobyl), and they found some pretty compelling Yeti proof that’s still being investigated by labs today. Plus, Josh is very cute and charismatic. So if you’re into monster hunting and cute geeks definitely check it out.

I realize I never said what happened after I went to the doctor the Monday after my blood test. He said everything tested normal except for the thyroid, but it way only low by a very small amount. He said he could put me on a low dosage pill for it, but I can’t swallow pills so that was out of the question. There was an injection for it (like I want to be around needles again any time soon), but it was in a large dosage. He also harassed me about going to the psychiatrist again, so after I get my MRI done I’ll go once and after that tell everyone to fuck off. I hate talking about my feelings and my person life. Then, why do you blog, you say. This blog does not detail my whole life, or even a small portion of my feelings. I do not talk about those things with anyone. I don’t like even being asked “how are you?” I only ever say “fine” when I’m asked that because a) no one really cares, it’s just a pleasantry. You’re supposed to say “I’m great” or “I’m fine” and then ask “how are you”, also not because you care, but because you have to. And b) it’s not anyone’s business. The details of my life and feelings aren’t anyone’s concern but my own. There is something I hate more than people being nosy, and that’s people telling me that letting them will make me feel better. Which is of course what I get when the psychiatrist is brought up. The doctor, my idiot mother, and Cynthia all say “it’ll make you feel better” or “it’ll help you.” Oh, yes, thank you for telling me what I really feel. I guess you all know my personality better than I do. What was I thinking? How could I possibly know what I’m really like, what would I do without your helpful input? BS. Ugh, just thinking about going to a nosy psychiatrist send my blood pressure through the roof. I need chocolate.

Absent minded webmistress – instead of align=”left” I put my icon as target=”_blank”. Stupid. And WordPress is putting my quotation marks wrong there, not me.

The Pain Has Finally Subsided

I went to hospital and had blood taken yesterday. I was pretty nervous beforehand, and I didn’t get much sleep. I have trouble sleeping when I know I have to get up early in the morning, and I had several bad dreams due to my nerves. My aunt Cyndy was supposed to pick Cynthia and me up at 11 AM, but after Cynthia called her at 11:15 we found out Cyndy hadn’t gotten up yet. Cynthia wasn’t happy because she was worried the place would be crowded, since more people go during lunch and there’s only one woman on duty at that time. I didn’t start getting really anxious until we got to the hospital. Like most people I am terrified of them. Adding to the problem, it was also the hospital Nanny, my grandmother, was in before she was transferred to a nursing home where she died. Walking in the front door didn’t exactly bring back fond memories of the place. Passing all the no entry/doctors only doors (“is someone getting cut up behind there?”) and radiation warning signs didn’t help either. My heart was pounding by the time we got the waiting area. There were 7 other people besides the three of us. The first group went in almost right after we got there, the second woman thought she was in the wrong place and left (heard her talking on her cell phone) and the two women we came in with were behind me on the list.

Since the other woman left I was next, and we weren’t waiting 15 minutes before I was called. The lady was really nice and for the first minute or so just got all the e-paper work done. Then she asked me if I had an arm preference, there was a quick pinch, and it was all done in about 30 seconds. Then we left and Cyndy dropped Cynthia and I off at Eat n Park since I had been fasting for the last 13 hours. I was surprised at how easy getting the blood drawn itself was. I was not prepared for the pain that came after. This was the second time I had blood taken. The first time was at a clinic, and it took the woman a long time poking around my arm before she finally used something called a butterfly needle since she couldn’t find my vein. It hurt a lot more then, it was a disturbing feeling because I could feel the needle inside my arm, and it took a lot longer. But it didn’t hurt afterward. This time it barely hurt while doing it, and it was very quick, but after the pain steadily got worse until my whole arm down to my hand and to the back of my shoulder was aching. After about 24 hours the majority of the pain has finally stopped, except for a bit in the crease of the inside of my elbow where it’s all bruised.

Cynthia called my doctor today to see if my blood test result had come. They had and he had already looked them over. I do not have diabetes, the nurse said my sugar level was good, and my cholesterol is low. With the way I eat I wonder how can this be? I guess my body has evolved over the level of you petty humans and has adapted to handle high levels of chocolate and grease! :devil: However, there was one problem the doctor did see. My thyroid result was low, and he might want to put me on medication for it. I don’t know much about the thyroid (what it is, where it is, or what it does) but Cynthia said it can make you really tired if it’s low, and make you gain weight. I am dead tired all the time and the simplest tasks exhaust me, so that would make sense. I’m a plump girl, but in no way of the term am I fat (it all goes to my ass and my thighs, if it went up top this wouldn’t be a problem :tears:), but even though I generally don’t eat more than once a day or ever consume more than 1500 calories in a day, my activity level is pretty low, and when I do eat it’s usually nothing good. Even the slightest physical activity knocks me out and gives me a splitting headache, and the exercises that I did do ruined my knees. So I basically gave up on that. I’m going to the doctor on Monday to see what he wants to do, and I’m going to try to get the prescriptions for my MRI and CT Scan then. Though if I had this much trouble going to the hospital just to get some blood taken, I don’t know how I’m going to go through getting putting in the radiation space pod for an hour. Just hit me over the head until I’m knocked out. I’m getting it done to have my brain examined anyway.

Every Year Worse Than Before

I had to push myself to write this because I really don’t want to. Living it and thinking about it is enough, I don’t want to write about it as well. But I have to. All this began quite a few weeks ago. It was when we were out of food stamps and money, so I wasn’t eating. Then my mother got fired from her job. I’ve said before that she’s been having continuous constipation. My mom said that one day while at work at Rite Aid she was with a coworker and took out a sepository (not looking that spelling up) told the woman she was doing it, and left a note on the package for the manager saying she would pay for it on payday, and let the woman know what she was doing. After my mom was gone the woman (her name is Anna, I think, not sure of the spelling) called the companies 800 number and reported my mom for stealing. She was suspended for 3 days and then fired. My mom said her boss and other coworkers were very upset, because they all think Anna is a backstabbing bitch (which she is). My mom’s boss liked her too, but there was nothing he could do with the companies decision.

My mom started looking for a couple new jobs, and still is, I don’t think she’s been trying very hard. This was a huge, horrible blow. Even at Rite Aid we were living paycheck to paycheck and never had any money. She’ll be taking a big pay cut when she finally does find work. But that’s not the half of it. Instead of seriously looking for a new job (which I don’t think she has) she came up with a new plan, get rid of me and get a roommate.

She wanted to send me to my great aunt Laura’s in Maryland, who while seems nice, I’ve only met a few times. The roommate she was talking about was that psycho she had met down at the bar and started practically living with (she was paying the rent of our apartment but staying with him all the time) after she had only met him 1-3 months prior. There was no way I was going down to Maryland. My mom first told me about the roommate plan on the day I hurt my foot. I was upset and against my better judgement I had called her. I was hurt and scared and wanted my mother. She was drunk, and she immediately turned the whole thing about her, though she would’ve done that even if she hadn’t been drinking. She had watched Dr Oz earlier that day and there was a segment on cancer, so she decided she must have colon cancer since she can’t go the bathroom. She hadn’t had any tests done (and still hasn’t even though she has the prescription for it, and has had plenty of time) she kept saying she knew she had cancer. She also said we had to get a roommate. I called Cynthia directly after that, sobbing because of my horrible mother. She said then that I could stay with her while my mom had the roommate, but didn’t mention it again. After that there was little mention of the roommate, though practically every time I saw her she was trying to get me to go to Maryland. She also decided that we were both going to go on disability, her for depression, and me for OCD. My great aunt has been telling her for years to try to have me put on disability and SSI, and I even had the papers from a former doctor listing disability for six months, but she never did anything about it – until it was convenient for her and she wanted the money. Now she’s making $205 a month off of a health issue she caused. The day we went to the doctor she mentioned the roommate thing again and said she was serious. I said that either way I wouldn’t be there. When she asked why I said Cynthia had told me when I first heard about it that I could stay with her, which wasn’t lying, she did say that. But she hadn’t mentioned it again, and I didn’t tell her I was going to stay with her. Of course what I really meant was I was going to kill myself. At the doctors I had planned on getting the prescriptions for my blood test, CT scan, and MRI. When I got them, on the first of November and beginning of December last year my mother took them from me and promptly lost them. She refused to go to the doctors and get them again, or get them when she was already at the doctors. Since I was there this time, I was going to ask. Then after my mom finished her appointment with him she came in with him to sit in on my appointment! When I got dizzy she told him “well we usually only eat once a day” and when I told her I wanted the blood test, CT scan, and MRI papers she said “what you think you still need it?” about the MRI. She was diagnosing me and ridiculing me in front of the doctor! When she said that about the MRI I told her to stop it, and on the way out she said she didn’t mean it like that, but I know she did. When somethings wrong with her its the end of the world, when somethings wrong with something else they’re a hypochondriac. Last summer when I getting numbness, and having trouble swallowing, and a myriad of other recurring symptoms, she told me to take prozac so I wouldn’t worry about it. So I still don’t have the papers for the blood test, CAT scan or MRI. When I told her she acted surprised, and when I told her several more times. No, I’m suddenly healed! I have no more numbness, pain, my blinding headaches and dizziness are gone, my balance and coordination has returned, I don’t walk into walls anymore or start falling down for no reason! My memory is now perfect and I have no problems talking, writing, or thinking. Yay! Of course I still need the freaking CT scan and MRI!!! What does she think, Jesus decended from heaven and healed me? Everything that was wrong then still is now. The numbness isn’t as bad, and I while I still have trouble swallowing I’m managing the problem, but everything else is the same and as bad as ever. And apparently the dolt doesn’t realize that if there was serious damaged caused by the head injury it’s permanent, unlike the temporary OCD disability the doc signed off on. Now I have to go to a doctor for OCD and possibly be put on medication. I refuse to talk to a psychologist or be put on meds. The reason for the first is I not only don’t like talking to people about my feelings, but I have physical difficulty talking. I can’t remember words or what to do with them, and things always come out jumbled. The reasons I don’t want to be on medications are first of all my mother thinks of it as a way to get me to shut up, second medication comes with side effects, and I have so many problems to begin with I don’t need the it to be made worse. The third reason is I’ve been like this for a very long time, and I don’t want to take something that will change me into something I’m not. Another reason for both the shrink and the meds is I really don’t think they’ll help me with either OCD or depression. Yes, some depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and while I don’t doubt I do have one, the majority of my depression comes from outside problems. Problems that can’t be fixed, glossed over, or gotten over.

My mother started cleaning earlier this week, possibly late last week, and kicked it into high gear. She said she might bring someone with her to help her clean, which infuriated me. She wanted to bring in that psycho to go through our things, my things?! And she did, though the first day all he did was sit on the couch and watch TV. I had been going to my great aunt Cynthia’s almost every day to eat, so I retreated to her place later on. When I got back the place was still a mess, this time of trash bags, empty totes, and filled totes to go into the closet. The bed was fixed up in my old room, the one I had left last year, the bed made, and stuff piled in front of and on my dresser. He moved in that day. Just like that. As if I wasn’t a bundle of nerves and anxiety, with my depression was worse than ever that that night my mom just ignited the situation. She came into my room that night and accused me of taking a pillow out of the dryer. She said she put the pillow in the dryer and it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t take anything out of the dryer or even touch it. I did go into the room briefly to see what she had done and then closed the doors to the washed and dryer (which some genius put in the closet of that bedroom) so that cat wouldn’t jump back there. My stupid mom had left the door to the bedroom open, and the door to the washer and dryer open, when she knows that cat’d get into everything. My mother didn’t believe me and even called Cynthia to say I had stolen her pillows. Then she twice searched my room (her old one) for it. It was half funny to see her searching for something she couldn’t possibly find hidden since I didn’t take it, but also infuriating because I don’t like being accused of things I didn’t do, and then have no one believe me. The next day we went downtown and I asked her if she had found the pillow she had accused me of stealing and she said she hadn’t. She also basically said I should get used to the situation with the roommate because Walt (the psychos name) knew I didn’t it and had barely even gone to the bathroom the day before. Yes, poor, poor Walt. He’s the one suffering here. It didn’t matter that I had barely gone to the bathroom that day because of this. After we came back I went up to Cynthia’s where she said that on the phone the day before my mom had accused me of taking a pillow and her clothes and said that she didn’t like being lied to (do all pathological liars have that pet peeve?). On Wednesday night my mom came into the bedroom again with a pillow and hit me a couple times with it and said the pillow had magically reappeared and it was a funny trick I’d played on her. I told her I didn’t play any trick and I didn’t take any pillow. My mom said she had thought it was funny, but I was the only one who could have done it, and there was something wrong with me if I really thought I didn’t take the pillow and she would have me committed. I started crying then, she’s just so horrible, so cruel to me. And I told her no, only that I didn’t do it. She just left the room after that and I screamed behind her that she was a lying whore. She came into the room and said that if I ever called her that again she would punch me in the face. Even though it was late I called Cynthia because I was so upset with all this and told her everything that happened. And I know what happened with that pillow. Either my mother wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing originally, or she was purposely tormenting me to try to get rid of me. She had been so desperately trying to send me to Maryland, and had actually said earlier on Tuesday that she wanted me to go up to Cynthia’s “for a couple days.” But there’s one more person who could have done it, that white trash bastard she’s been seeing. He is white trash, and alcoholic who doesn’t seem to work, but seems to function perfectly except for a cigarette induced cough, so he must be on disability for what “health problem” I don’t know. I say he’s a psycho because he’s shown himself to be very obsessive. I’ve written before about him constantly calling, sometimes 7 times in a span of 20 or so minutes. Every time I saw her since she started seeing him (which was rare) she was always getting calls and texts from him. Even when we went to welfare for the interview he called twice just to “see how she was.” We weren’t there for more than a few hours, and the second time she had to run out to see what the call was during the interview. So he’s my prime suspect, though it could have just as easily been her. At 2:30 in the morning after that she came in, drunk, and started cleaning the bedroom. She found some DVDs on the floor and accused me of hiding them all while saying sarcastic things like yep, you’re not a liar, I’m just imagining things, and random things like I’m on a cleaning frenzy. I found out yesterday that pillow and clothes had changed into pillow and DVDs, that I had also taken DVDs she had bought because she couldn’t find them. I don’t know what DVDs I supposedly took. She had actually taken most of the DVDs we own when she was going over to his place. What she did when them I don’t know. Wednesday night/Thursday morning was the closest I ever came to trying to kill myself. I had planned on doing it when he moved in, but decided to try and wait and see. I knew it was a bad idea, that I would just bring myself more suffering, and I did. I came very close Thursday morning. The problem was I waited. I wanted to wait so I would be good and tired so hopefully I’d be able to fall asleep quickly after drinking the bottle of prozac, and spare myself a possibly painful conscious death. But I couldn’t calm down. Every time I thought about doing it, and I had the bottle all poured out into a glass (thought it would be easier, bigger mouthfuls) and waiting. But I still couldn’t do it. I was too scared of an agonizing death, or not dying at all and ending up worse than before, or having a seizure. So I’m still looking for that tall building. I tried to go to sleep after that, but not only was I having trouble sleeping from all the anxiety, but they’re so constantly noisy. The few days they were there they were up until 3-4 AM watching movies at full blast and playing music. Then what sounded like an alarm, repeated jingling alarm sound every few minutes kept going off probably in the dining room. I think he might have done it to disturb me early in the morning, like my mom with her cleaning. Then at 5:30 he was heating pizza in the microwave! I didn’t fall asleep until 7 AM and got up after 12. Then I called Cynthia. She had mentioned staying with her when I talked to her the night before, but once again didn’t mention it this time, but I asked her anyway and she said yes. My mom came in later and asked a question about the caller ID on the TV. We have Comcast triple play, so the number or name of the person who’s calling shows up on the screen, but it wasn’t then. On Tuesday and Wednesday there were brief blackouts, so the cable box reset. It takes a while for it to really get going again. Then she asked if I was going to apologize for the mean name I called her, and I told her I would when she apologized of accusing me of doing something I didn’t do. She said what was I saying, that a ghost took it and put it back? Of course I was saying nothing of the sort, only that I wasn’t the person responsible for it. She just left again. Then I cleared out an old suitcase, and got an old backpack off her, and took the laptop up to Cynthia’s. Later on I went back down to get some other stuff. I had my mom come in my old room with me and watch me so she’d know what I was taking, and wouldn’t be accused of stealing the whole washing machine next. I took my Code Geass doujinshi, Junjou tin and stickers, (the prozac), Schneizel voice doll (who can’t speak yet because he needs batteries) and some other things important to me I don’t want to lose. My mom said I didn’t have to take anything, that he wouldn’t go through my things, and he isn’t the type to steal, which I know is not true. How should she know what type of person he is anyway? She’s not known him for more than 5 months. I was going to take the cat with me, but my mom asked, and asked me not to, and leave her in the air conditioning and not trap her in one room. I had to give in to it, though I didn’t want to. I’d rather my girl with me, and not near that guy but it’s been so hot here, I can’t take her out of the air conditioning. I don’t trust that guy. When we were at welfare my mom suddenly mentioned something like “I don’t care what I’m not getting rid of the cat, I didn’t get her just to leave her.” It was so strange and out of the blue. As long as my mom is there I will allow her to stay. If she starts working Allie will come with me for the time, because I do not want to leave her with him.

So now I’m at Cynthia’s. There’s no cable, air conditioning, or internet, and Cynthia can be a contentious person, but I’m alive for now. I’m using someone’s wireless network that they have without a password, so I have to be careful where I login and to immediately sign out when I’m done. At least I have internet at all. I don’t know how well downloading anime would go though, pretty bad I think SpeedTest.net lists the speeds as 1.44 down and 0.33 up. I told my mom I want to try to get on SSI like Cynthia and Naomi (extended family member, probably a cousin) has been saying I should do for a while. I want money. I know it wouldn’t be a lot, but I just want enough to be able to buy things like a normal person. Get a manga once in a while, or some other animanga merchandise, kawaii merchandise, get or renew a domain. Right now I only get a small amount of money once in a while, that I can only spend at certain places online.

Near the end of June, after the foot/mom/cancer incident I realized something. I don’t love my mother anymore. For almost 20 years, no matter what she did I still loved her, even though sometimes I hated her. But she has permanently damaged our relationship this time. Now I don’t love her and just hate her, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I feel bad about it, I remember how when we did get along we really got along. But not anymore.

That’s all I can think of right now, pretty much everything that’s happened recently. Schneizel once again gets icon status, just because he’s hot. This picture is actually the one I have set as my admin accounts. It’s a good one.

So Went to the Doctor

The following has a lot of ranting and swearing, so if you’re going to whine and bitch about me being angry or something don’t read it. Do the world a favor and go kill yourself instead. Still, I’ve placed a cut off where it gets really bad, so you don’t see it unless you click “more.”

Like I said before I haven’t really been in the mood to blog for a few weeks now. I can’t even bring myself to watch any anime or read any manga. I went to the doctor on Monday. I was really unsure about it when I saw it because it’s not in an actual building or anything, and from the outside it looks like a house. Well, it probably was a house and was remodeled. That place is surprisingly busy though. We waited for a while an my mom went in first, then a while later me. I talked to the nurse a little and she checked my height/weight, blood pressure (110/45 I think), and my pulse. She was shocked by my pulse and asked if it was always that fast. It is, I have the heartbeat of a hummingbird. I’m sure that isn’t good. I had to wait even longer for the doctor. I guess the room I was in is also where a lot of supplies are kept supplies in because the nurse and some med student kept going in and out. The med student was getting a needle ready for something, I guess someone was getting a shot. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of that. The nurse kept saying “no, no, you’ll bend the needle” and “you have to get the air bubbles!” and “cap the needle, you can’t walk around with it like that.” I’m surprise the person survived it. When the doctor came in the med student followed, which I was not happy about. You should have to consent to it. Even if she is a student I don’t think she has any right to listen in on my conversation with a doctor. Don’t confidentiality laws cover that? He let me basically say everything I wanted to, but I felt really rushed. It’s difficult enough talking to people I know, extremely difficult to strangers, and with an audience? I ended up missing a lot because I wasn’t able to go calmly through my list. He even let the girl use me as a guinea pig. The doctor checked my eyes and apparently there could be something wrong with them. Then had her check my eyes, and she said something about discoloration. When he did my reflexes (knees, arm, and achilles) he let her to my heel too. And he listened to my heart, breathing. He told me to take a deep breath but honestly it wasn’t that deep, since I was having trouble breathing well at that time (I do sometimes).

He’s having me get an MRI and a CT Scan, but he’s waiting until he gets my old blood test results before he’ll have me get others, since I don’t know everything they tested. I do know they did not check my sugar. So now I’ve got to wait a week for that before he’ll order more tests. Then my mom doesn’t have off a weekday next week so I’ll have to wait until the week after that to go to the hospital. This is ridiculous. She should have explained the situation and asked off for a day next week, instead of making me wait even longer. Why can’t people realize this is serious?!! At this point it’s the diabetes test I desperately need. I’ve temporarily cut all sugar out of my diet until I know whether or not I have it so I don’t make things worse. They’re still getting worse on their own. My feet are continuing to get more discolored. Mostly it’s just a deep maroon sort of color, but I had noticed some other brown dots inside them. Now instead of brown dots inside of the red, they’re just brown small spots. I noticed today when I got a pain in one of my toes, and I reached down to touch it. The area was really hard, so I took of my sock to look at it and there the brown spots were. I checked the other marks on my toes to see if any of them were hard, and one was too. There’s also constant sort of numb feeling on the top of my foot in front of the toes, and a feeling that’s sort of like when it’s going to get numb in the actual toes. This started happening in the last two weeks of October and is only getting worse. If this is diabetes and my toes are changing color due to a lack of blood flow I could lose them if I don’t get help like now. But as always no one will do anything. And that’s not the only thing, knowing my mom even if my toes do start getting black she won’t take me to the hospital right away, and I’ll end up losing my whole foot! I better not have diabetes and I better not lose any of my toes, or I’ll smash all hers and that freaking doctors for letting it happen. And then Cynthia tells me that I shouldn’t worry, I just shouldn’t think about it, that even people who have diabetes can eat sugar, and that the doctors will find out what’s wrong with me and fix it, then I can go to school and get a job because I have to help out around here. Okay let’s start with her first fucking stupid statement. I am so sick of people telling me not to worry and telling me how to feel. Of course I’m worried about it, and I should be! Any normal person would be worried, and anyone who wouldn’t is a fucking freak who doesn’t deserve to breathe. They should just die! Those happy-go-lucky optimistic people are so sickening, they need a good dose of reality! Second, sure people with diabetes can eat sugar once in a while, just not a lot of it. But not when their toes are about to fall off!!!! Why can’t anyone figure out with their tiny, stupid fucking minds why I am not eating any sugar when my toes are changing color? Even after I repeatedly tell them why they still don’t listen!!! I can’t risk it! I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it! I can’t risk making the situation worse, or speeding up the process of my toes/feet get amputated. But no one cares if I have to since it doesn’t affect them, so they don’t feel like they have to listen. Anyone else who could have diabetes and their toes are changing color and they want to eat candy and drink pop, go ahead I don’t care if you have to get body parts chopped off. But I’m not going to. Then there’s the “doctors will find out what it is, doctors will fix it so don’t worry” crap. Most of the people in my family are older, and a lot in my immediate family have had health problems. Cynthia knows doctors are stupid, worthless people who don’t care about anything but money. Doctors don’t know anything and they don’t care, and 9 times out of 10 they don’t know what’s wrong with you or what to do about it. She knows that because it’s been going on with her for years. The same thing happened to her older sister, my grandmother, until she died from their stupidity because they couldn’t figure out she had cancer until a month before she died. And once they find out what’s wrong with you, it doesn’t mean they can fix it. There isn’t a magical “fix it” pill that makes you better. Diabetes can be managed, yes. MS and brain injuries cannot be fixed, and there’s very little they can do for either of them. She keeps saying how there’s treatment for it now, and how someone she worked with had a mother with MS and she did fine with it and had 6 kids. And they didn’t even have treatment back then. That’s bs. MS is different for everyone, and there are different types of MS. There are treatments for it, but they mostly treat the symptoms not the problem. And most people with MS still end up at least with trouble walking if not paralyzed. She knows absolutely nothing about MS but she’s like everyone else in this family and thinks she knows everything. And I’m sick of hearing from her about how I have to figure out what I want to do and what I want to go to school for. I can barely fucking talk and think right, or walk and she never shuts up about that! I have a lot more important things on my mind like, uh, trying to survive, than that. I have enough to worry about with having to put up with that crap. I am close to snapping as it is already, people need to keep their little opinions to themselves.

Well I feel better now. At least until something else upsets me. My feet aren’t feeling too good though, since I’m sitting. Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lay down. I’m going to go try to exercise a little more. I really can’t do a lot now since my muscles were already aching after the doctors, but I had to keep exercising anyway. Then when I noticed the color on my foot was spreading I really freaked. So I can barely walk. I’m hobbling around here. I think I pulled something in the back of my right leg too. But I have to do it anyway.

Monday’s Child

A lot of the time I think “I am 19 and falling apart. I am 19 and have the body of a 50 year-old! How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? I don’t want this!” And then I remember that I was 18 when this started. So I was 18 and falling apart. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve had trouble for so many years. I already had trouble speaking because of my shyness, but I noticed something else. There was something really wrong with my ability to talk. But I couldn’t talk about because, well, I have trouble talking, and I couldn’t explain it anyway. No one would understand. But at least I could still write. I was able to write clearly and get my feelings and thoughts across, even if still nobody cared, I could. Then it just got harder and harder to do that. Until now when I barely write at all anymore, besides blogs, posts, and comments. And it’s not the same. This isn’t how I used to write. I used to be so much better than this. It used to mean so much to me. And then I think “Why is everything slipping away from me?” Because it isn’t just the 50 year-olds body I have, it’s the mind too.

I am so worried right now. That’s nothing new, I’m a worrisome person by nature, I worry about everything. But this is extreme. It’s just a couple days until I go to the doctor. I’m anxious about many different things. I have trouble talking in general but I am also very shy, which doesn’t help. So trouble talking + talking to strangers = a big mess. I’m worried about not being listened to or taken seriously, since that happened with the last doctor I went to, as well as my family. Of course I’m worried about the actual tests. And I’m also worried about all this happening too late. I will probably definitely be tested for diabetes since it’s the easiest, and he might be able to do it in his office, since that’s only taking blood. But then you have to wait for the results. And if he can’t do that in his office I’ll have to wait another week or more for the appointment, and then more time for the results. Same goes for MS, if he does decide to have me tested for it, which hopefully he will. That’ll be another week or more for the tests, and I don’t know how long for the results. It has already been about 7 months since all this officially started. What if the diagnosis comes too late? If it’s diabetes, well, that’s actually the most dangerous at this present time. You can lose a limb or appendage, or go into a coma. MS, while in actuality is more severe, usually takes longer, and I’ve never heard of it putting anyone into a coma or forcing anyone to get anything amputated, though it does paralyze. I’ve been thinking about this since this all started, but every time I notice something new I get more worried. The something new I talked about was in this post, though I actually didn’t go into all of it, and didn’t feel like talking about it in my last post, since my health is all I ever talk about now. I just said I’d been having pain in my feet. But the truth is it was my toes weren’t just aching, after that I started getting a lot of pain in my feet (around the toes) when I walked. It last on and off for a few days, and I haven’t really had it since then, just the normal brief strange/stinging/numb stuff. But it was at that time I noticed strange marks on my feet. Bumbs on two of my toes, and red marks elsewhere on my toes. It’s hard to describe the marks because they don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Not bruises or blisters, something like it, but not it. It’s also pretty impossible for me to get blisters (100% for bruises, since I’m always hitting things, especially with my feet) since I rarely go out so I rarely wear shoes. After that I decided not to look anymore since it just upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I did today just a little while ago. Now there’s more. They don’t look awful, and in any normal person while they might find it strange, wouldn’t think it serious. But in my position with diabetes one of the possibilities I have to think about this sort of thing. I tried to exercise my legs a bit after I found more today (they’re the only part of me I can exercise), but my bad knee was acting up again and I didn’t want to risk making it worse. If it is diabetes I shouldn’t be getting worse. I don’t eat like I used to, mainly sandwiches, cereal, lots of milk, and occasionally a rotisserie chicken, and I’ve been eating potato chips with my sandwiches now since I’m so sick of them now I can barely stand the taste. I eat McDonalds at the most twice a week, when I used to eat it most days of the week, and pop only when we go out or I eat fast food, when I used to drink it every day. Unless I’m out I don’t salt my foods anymore. No more thousand calorie, 90% daily fat TV dinners either. Not a lot of chocolate either or other stuff either. I used to eat all the time, whenever I felt like it, and now I don’t. There’s not a lot of stuff that I like, or can make on my own, and stuff has been cut out since I have trouble swallowing. Except probably when I eat McDonalds, I never break 2000 calories, and most of the time probably not 1000. Because of that and my pathetic daily exercise I’ve lost 20 lbs since April. But I still feel awful, and my health is not improving.

Well, now I have something new to add to my list. I still have to write up my list of everything that’s happened in the past 7 months. Luckily, I already wrote a lot of stuff down on here, so all I have to do is copy it. I’ve been procrastinating in doing it because I really don’t want to think about all this stuff, since I’ve already thought it over so many times every day since it started, and because I’m so nervous about the doctors appointment. I don’t trust doctors as it is, and with it being so hard for me to get my point across, I hope he just sits there patiently and let’s me get through everything I have to. Unlike the last doctor who wouldn’t let me finish, and was more concerned about getting me on prozac. In case you don’t know, all the last doctor did when I went to her a month after my symptoms started, was take my pulse and tell me my circulation was fine (based on my pulse), and that I probably pinched a nerve and it would clear up on its own. Thanks a lot. That was really helpful.

Still… Monday hurry up!