A lot of the time I think “I am 19 and falling apart. I am 19 and have the body of a 50 year-old! How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? I don’t want this!” And then I remember that I was 18 when this started. So I was 18 and falling apart. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve had trouble for so many years. I already had trouble speaking because of my shyness, but I noticed something else. There was something really wrong with my ability to talk. But I couldn’t talk about because, well, I have trouble talking, and I couldn’t explain it anyway. No one would understand. But at least I could still write. I was able to write clearly and get my feelings and thoughts across, even if still nobody cared, I could. Then it just got harder and harder to do that. Until now when I barely write at all anymore, besides blogs, posts, and comments. And it’s not the same. This isn’t how I used to write. I used to be so much better than this. It used to mean so much to me. And then I think “Why is everything slipping away from me?” Because it isn’t just the 50 year-olds body I have, it’s the mind too.

I am so worried right now. That’s nothing new, I’m a worrisome person by nature, I worry about everything. But this is extreme. It’s just a couple days until I go to the doctor. I’m anxious about many different things. I have trouble talking in general but I am also very shy, which doesn’t help. So trouble talking + talking to strangers = a big mess. I’m worried about not being listened to or taken seriously, since that happened with the last doctor I went to, as well as my family. Of course I’m worried about the actual tests. And I’m also worried about all this happening too late. I will probably definitely be tested for diabetes since it’s the easiest, and he might be able to do it in his office, since that’s only taking blood. But then you have to wait for the results. And if he can’t do that in his office I’ll have to wait another week or more for the appointment, and then more time for the results. Same goes for MS, if he does decide to have me tested for it, which hopefully he will. That’ll be another week or more for the tests, and I don’t know how long for the results. It has already been about 7 months since all this officially started. What if the diagnosis comes too late? If it’s diabetes, well, that’s actually the most dangerous at this present time. You can lose a limb or appendage, or go into a coma. MS, while in actuality is more severe, usually takes longer, and I’ve never heard of it putting anyone into a coma or forcing anyone to get anything amputated, though it does paralyze. I’ve been thinking about this since this all started, but every time I notice something new I get more worried. The something new I talked about was in this post, though I actually didn’t go into all of it, and didn’t feel like talking about it in my last post, since my health is all I ever talk about now. I just said I’d been having pain in my feet. But the truth is it was my toes weren’t just aching, after that I started getting a lot of pain in my feet (around the toes) when I walked. It last on and off for a few days, and I haven’t really had it since then, just the normal brief strange/stinging/numb stuff. But it was at that time I noticed strange marks on my feet. Bumbs on two of my toes, and red marks elsewhere on my toes. It’s hard to describe the marks because they don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Not bruises or blisters, something like it, but not it. It’s also pretty impossible for me to get blisters (100% for bruises, since I’m always hitting things, especially with my feet) since I rarely go out so I rarely wear shoes. After that I decided not to look anymore since it just upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I did today just a little while ago. Now there’s more. They don’t look awful, and in any normal person while they might find it strange, wouldn’t think it serious. But in my position with diabetes one of the possibilities I have to think about this sort of thing. I tried to exercise my legs a bit after I found more today (they’re the only part of me I can exercise), but my bad knee was acting up again and I didn’t want to risk making it worse. If it is diabetes I shouldn’t be getting worse. I don’t eat like I used to, mainly sandwiches, cereal, lots of milk, and occasionally a rotisserie chicken, and I’ve been eating potato chips with my sandwiches now since I’m so sick of them now I can barely stand the taste. I eat McDonalds at the most twice a week, when I used to eat it most days of the week, and pop only when we go out or I eat fast food, when I used to drink it every day. Unless I’m out I don’t salt my foods anymore. No more thousand calorie, 90% daily fat TV dinners either. Not a lot of chocolate either or other stuff either. I used to eat all the time, whenever I felt like it, and now I don’t. There’s not a lot of stuff that I like, or can make on my own, and stuff has been cut out since I have trouble swallowing. Except probably when I eat McDonalds, I never break 2000 calories, and most of the time probably not 1000. Because of that and my pathetic daily exercise I’ve lost 20 lbs since April. But I still feel awful, and my health is not improving.

Well, now I have something new to add to my list. I still have to write up my list of everything that’s happened in the past 7 months. Luckily, I already wrote a lot of stuff down on here, so all I have to do is copy it. I’ve been procrastinating in doing it because I really don’t want to think about all this stuff, since I’ve already thought it over so many times every day since it started, and because I’m so nervous about the doctors appointment. I don’t trust doctors as it is, and with it being so hard for me to get my point across, I hope he just sits there patiently and let’s me get through everything I have to. Unlike the last doctor who wouldn’t let me finish, and was more concerned about getting me on prozac. In case you don’t know, all the last doctor did when I went to her a month after my symptoms started, was take my pulse and tell me my circulation was fine (based on my pulse), and that I probably pinched a nerve and it would clear up on its own. Thanks a lot. That was really helpful.

Still… Monday hurry up!