God Help Me

I’m typing this up offline as there is only a small window of opportunity to use the internet, before Comcast knows I’m online and starts forwarding to their activation page. I was already in a horrible mood. When I lost the internet again yesterday I had a mini-breakdown as things began to pile up on me. Today it was a like bomb. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. As soon as Cynthia woke me up today and told me there was a message on the machine that she thought was from my mom, but it wasn’t from our phone numbers, I knew it was bad. To spare anyone who reads this I’ll put the facts in convenient bullet point form…

  • My mom’s psycho bf “WDisney” was sent to jail for threatening to kill my mom
  • He’s getting out soon
  • My mom is staying at a friends house
  • My mom is being evicted
  • She’s talking about moving to Texas

    Cynthia doesn’t seem to care about all this, she just says she knew it was going to happen. I thought it might happen too, but I had hoped it would end before it would go that far. I’m thinking about bringing the bowling pin (yes I have a bowling pin) up from the basement. It’s a good thing I’m staying up at night right now, because I’m going to have to be on the lookout for him. Unfortunately, he knows who my aunt is and where she lives. We hadn’t wanted him to, but thanks to my “you can trust WDisney” mom, she let him know. My mom said I could go get anything I wanted from the apartment in case he trashed it, but not only do we not know when he’s getting out, I don’t have a key anymore. She took mine and gave it to him. There’s a chance I might lose all my stuff, and my grandmother’s things, the only things I have left of her besides one picture, since her house burned down a few years after she died. And while I didn’t like it, and haven’t lived there in a while, I’m losing my home too. I’m never going to live there again. I may never see my mom again either, because there is no way I’m moving to Texas. Assuming he doesn’t trash anything, I’ll have to move a few of my most important things up here, and the rest will go wherever my mom goes. I’m also going to have to get my birth certificate and other stuff off her, since she’ll no longer be in charge of that. I have been staying here with my great aunt, but I don’t know how much longer that can last, and I have no where else to go. Obviously, this has shaken my already fragile state. Sometimes I curse my sanity, it would be easier to just break and go completely insane. I’m having so much taken away from me again, there’s a threat to both my things and my family, and I can’t even get on the internet to vent and waste time. I guess I’ll be reading the manga, since I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anime (which I’m running out of). And the same the next night and the next night. For who knows how long. I should stop here or I’ll ramble endlessly. I have to go get some more cleenex and something to chew on, I really need to stop biting the inside of my mouth.

    Edit: And if you didn’t see my Twitter in the sidebar, I do not have internet now. Hopefully it’ll come back in a couple weeks.

  • Go Away Winter

    After a few days of pleasant weather, it’s back to snowing again. It’s so freaking cold. We went out to get milk late this afternoon and it was hailing. We should have just stayed home, but we left anyway. Bad idea, it started getting icy just a few minutes later, and Pittsburgh is a city of hills. After we got the milk we couldn’t stop to eat, and we took the street car downtown, then caught the bus back, instead of walking. By that time it was snowing so hard it was practically blizzard conditions. We got back a few hours after leaving, and then the snow decided to calm down. I am so pissed off. I was hoping to get to South Hills Village tomorrow to get my headphones and Visa gift card, but that’s most likely not happening now, and if this weather doesn’t cut it out soon I don’t know when that’ll happen. It’s been at least a month since my headphones broke and this is driving me crazy. The old ones my mom found stopped working a few days after she gave them to me.

    On Friday I went out with mommy dearest to the library to help her get her taxes done, then she took me to see the new CVS, and then to Eat n Park with an old gift card Cynthia gave me. She’s such a freaking liar. She says she’s hardly been drinking or smoking anymore, and that at most her an Walt share a pack a day. Yet when I called her later that day she was drunk. Like she is most times I call. A couple weeks ago she said he is an ex-Marine. And she’s said in the past that Walt couldn’t get on welfare because he isn’t disabled, which was a lie itself, you don’t have to be disabled to get on welfare. I found out that not only is he on welfare, but he also gets food stamps. Basically everything she says is a lie. And anything you say to her goes in one ear and out the other, she doesn’t listen to a word you say. If I say something to her most often she starts talking about something else, and doesn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I spoke.* But anyway, later that night I got an email saying the IRS had rejected her tax return because of some error with her pin number. She said she’d call them again on Monday, but I don’t know if they’re working today. It doesn’t matter anyway, because Cynthia’s phone isn’t working for some reason so she can’t contact me. She could have used the IRS online system, but she refused to go to the library again, instead having me do it on my computer, with her on the phone talking to me. When I’m at the computer trying to do things for her it always ends with her yelling at me because she doesn’t understand something. That’s not my problem, all I can do is read to her what it says. I wasn’t going to go through that again. So I didn’t bother telling her she could do it online.

    On the night of Valentines day, and the early morning on the 15th my heart decided to go one strike. It was protesting long working hours and little pay. First my arms were aching, the kind of ache like if you exercise too much. When I get that it’s awful, it starts in the inside of my arm and goes down into my hands and fingers, and up to my shoulders and into my back. I try to stay as still as possible when it happens, because even the slightest movement can cause excruciating pain. It wasn’t so bad when I first when to sleep, but when I woke up an hour later it was horrible, the worst it’s ever been. And, I had started getting chest pains too. I also get them sometimes (not indigestion), but this continued to get worse and wouldn’t go away. I got so bad I had to go ask Cynthia for aspirin. I can’t swallow pills so I crushed it, and Cynthia gave me some arthritis cream for my arms, and put me downstairs on the couch. My heart was appeased by the sacrifice of aspirin, and went back to work. I slept off an on until dawn when I went back upstairs, and my arms were feeling a little better. Later that day my legs decided they wanted to cause trouble too, but it wasn’t as bad as my arms had been.

    Edit: Cynthia does this too, except instead of just ignoring you she’ll talk over you if she disagrees with something she said. Just start yelling to drown out what you say, like a little kid putting their hands of their ears and going “nah nah nah I can’t hear you.” Most often it happens with me drying my hands. She’s always yelling at me to dry my hands. I can have a napkin in my hands drying them, and she’ll still be yelling at me to dry my hands. So, I think she must have the intelligence of a monkey or a baby. Both think if they don’t see something, it’s not happening, or it’s not there. A couple days ago she walked into the room while I was drying my hands, and she said “oh, you’re drying your hands for once!” I told her I always dry my hands, every single time, but she started yelling over me that I need to start drying them so they don’t crack, and to use lotion as well. Today it’s because the telephone started working again today, and whoever she talked to said it was because of her computer (translation: “we don’t know what the problem is, so we’ll blame it on something most people have.”) She says I had my computer hooked up to the phone line or that was I recharging something (WTF, she knows nothing about computers, recharging what?) She wouldn’t listen to me that my computer not only doesn’t connect to a phone line, it can’t. And why would I? What would the purpose be. But when I said that the computer physically cannot be hooked up to a phone line she just started yelling over me, like she always does, not to use the computer during the day. The laptop wasn’t even on or plugged in when the phone stopped working, and hadn’t been for hours, and I’ve been using it here since June without any problems with the phone, but she can’t explain to me why the laptop would make the phone stop working, just that she knows it does because that’s what someone decided to tell her, and because computers are scary newfangled technology, and she loves to talk about things she knows absolutely nothing about.

    Edit2: Ha, I’ve been vindicated, next door’s phone wasn’t working either. Now Cynthia’s complaining that it smells, because my mom made me Tuna Helper, which Cynthia apparently thinks is “disgusting.” She says she hates noodles, but likes pasta. She won’t accept that they’re the same thing. She also hates Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and thinks it’s disgusting too. So anything she doesn’t like to eat is disgusting. My mom says she’s just disagreeable, which is true.

    Let’s Get This Over With

    Obviously I haven’t felt like posting lately. I still don’t, but I’m forcing myself to. Today I finally went to the eye doctor. Ever since last year I’ve been pushing to see the eye doctor at Sears because I remembered that he was nice. I just didn’t remember how nice. The eye doctor there is such a nice guy, and seems like a very good doctor. So if anyone in the Pittsburgh area is looking for an eye doctor, go see the guy at Sears in South Hills Village. It’s tough getting out there now, for those who don’t have a car, Port Authority cut (and continues to cut) many of the bus and street car services. We had to take a bus downtown, then catch a street car because there aren’t any street cars that go all the way to South Hills Village for our area. You either have to go downtown and take the street car, or take the street car here, get off, then take another street car the rest of the way. I didn’t wait very long to see the doctor. My appointment was for 1 PM, but he saw me before then (he didn’t realize that until I got in – I was just there so he saw me). After checking my eyes he said the one of them, I think it was the left, had developed a mild (he said something about 2, level, minus, step?) astigmatism. He also said that my current prescription is too strong, and that this one should be much better, possibly even at little better than 20/20 (I didn’t know there was anything better). Since I had checked the headaches box, he asked about it, and I told him I was supposed to have an MRI done, because I’d been getting headaches for years, but that last year they got a lot worse, sometimes so bad that I couldn’t even stand. He asked why my PCP wasn’t sending me to a neurologist, since that would be better. I remembered that when I first went to him he talked about having me see a neurologist, but last time it was tough even getting the MRI from him. I think I know why, more on that later. Either way, he said, it was good that I was getting the MRI because any time there’s a big change in symptoms like that (like suddenly getting the worst headache you’ve ever experienced) you should get tests done. I also mentioned to the eye doctor that one of the reasons I was having the MRI done was because of the bad (in my opinion) head injury I’d had when I was younger, that left me temporarily blind. Since I got hit in the back of the head the eye doctor said it was a very good chance that it caused trouble, and thank goodness I got my vision back. After that we went to the Eat n Park out there, and managed to get a street car going all the way back here.

    We also briefly discussed mommy dearest. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, and she hasn’t called in about a week. Last time she called Cynthia talked to her. The first time she was going to the store and wanted to know if I wanted anything. Cynthia told her milk and potato buds. We didn’t hear from her again until a couple days later when she called to ask when I was coming to get the stuff. Since she had gotten a ride to the store Cynthia asked why she didn’t drop the things off here, and that if it stays down there too long it’ll expire. My mom said that she couldn’t have people drive her all over town. Now, maybe that excuse would work if Cynthia lived across town, but we are literally right up the street, on the same street. A couple days later my mom called from the doctors to say that the nurse took her blood pressure, and that the new blood pressure medication she was taken made her blood pressure too low and that she was so dizzy. She also said that poor white trash bastard has a lump on his back, and that one of his arms gets numb (oh, how horrible). So she called for a Pam pity party. I don’t know what made her think she would get any sympathy from Cynthia, for either of them. Cynthia said he blood pressure sounded great, and that she would be happy to have bp as low as that. And as for the white trash bastard, both my hands were number for over a month, and she didn’t give a shit, but he gets some numbness? The poor, poor man. Then Cynthia started asking her about him again and suddenly my mom had to get off the phone because the doctor would be coming. She called again later, and when Cynthia asked what the doctor said about the blood pressure she didn’t say anything, probably because there was nothing wrong. Cynthia asked her again about the white trash bastard, and they got into a big argument. My mom started talking trash about me. I don’t know everything she said, but some of the things she said was that I never do anything but lay around, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I should get over it (the things she did to me). Cynthia mentioned that the my doctor said he wouldn’t sign any more disability papers until I had seen a psychologist, and my mom suddenly became very interested in taking me to get “help”, because she wants the money. After they were done Cynthia was swearing about her, and she rarely ever swears. At the most she occasionally says shit, usually just sugar, but this time she actually called her an asshole twice. Mommy dearest has a habit of projecting. Whatever she sees in herself she decides is other peoples problems. Everyone else does nothing, everyone else is a liar, everyone else is a hypochondriac. Meanwhile, all she has ever done when she had off was lay on the couch watching TV, literally not moving, she lies about every single thing, and is always saying something or other is wrong with her. This summer it was cancer. Even though she hadn’t seen a doctor she decided she had cancer, or “something just as bad” (in her words). It’s November now, and it seems she’s given up on trying to get attention that way. She’s been to the doctor quite a lot lately. A couple months ago her work made her go get x-rays because she was having back pain, and I know she’s been to the PCP at least twice in the last month, because she got new blood pressure medication from him, then went again to complain about dizziness. This is the reason I think the doctor has changed his tune in regards to me, my mother has gotten to him, and he won’t listen to me now. I had to prod him for the MRI paper that he had originally given me freely because of the problems I’d been having. But then my mom took the papers for my MRI, CT Scan, and blood test, lost them, and refused to get more. Then when I finally got there again (she took me so she could get him to sign the disability papers so she could get the money for it) she followed him in when he came to see me, and when I tried to take the papers talked down to me. So I know she’s been saying crap about me to him. All he and that nurse (who seems like a real bitch to begin with) care about now is trying to get me to a psychiatrist, and won’t listen to me. Today I wondered to Cynthia if I should take medication. But a) I don’t think it would do any good, and b) why should I have to pay the price for this? My mother is the one who caused this, it’s my mother who is insane. I can’t stand this mindset of “you are depressed. this is not okay. you must be happy. we will make you be happy.” Oh, and mommy dearest has bronchitis again. But she didn’t get it because she smoking. Because she’s not. Even though she was seen smoking. More than once. Everyone else is just mistaken. You know they’re just delusional, and you can’t trust what they see. She’s not a liar or anything…

    Warning: Dangerously Long Post Ahead

    Okay, okay, I said I’d do this so here it is. Lately I’ve mostly been on VDex Project, Magistream, and watching anime. I also, over the course of 6 hours, got caught up with the Bleach manga, and ugh. I’ll talk about that later. I’m with Bel right now trying to get the heart scale I need for the Recommendation Letter quest on VDex. I have him up to about 188/255 affection, and have been with him around 14 and he has yet to send me anything let alone a heart scale. I’m also stalking the Gacha corner for the remaining starters I need, as well as trying to get Thief TM from it, which also gives out heart scales. So far nothing. I am one Poke away from completing the starter set I need for the quest then all I’ll need is the heart scale. Then I plan on switching to Yun and maxing him out immediately for Mewtwo, then moving on Allen for Shaymin. It’ll take longer to max him out, but after I do I’ll finally be able to switch to Lyrit, which is the partner I want. Lyrit’s so hot. And a crazy stalker. Edward you have nothing on this bishie! I joined Magistream a few weeks ago, and I really like it. I’m going to be doing an article on all the best adoptables sites soon, so I’ll cover that then. But for now you can see my Magistream creatures to the right in the sidebar. If you want you can give them a click to help them grow.

    And yes, anime. Mitsudomoe is ending very soon! Luckily there will be a second season. I love Mitsudomoe! I didn’t expect to because the humor is pretty juvenile, and I don’t really like that sort of thing, but this show is freaking hilarious. Stupid, but hilarious. HOTD, also not my thing (say it Megan: highschoolhighschoolhigh school) I’m not a big fanservice fan (unless it’s fanservice for the girls~), but it’s too much fun. That’s the reason I don’t usually like zombie stories, along with other apocalyptic tales. They’re so depressing. And not in a good way. HOTD (where I am anyway – 7/12) focuses more on the zombie ass kicking aspects of it. You’re too hyped up on adrenaline to care about things like mass hysteria and the world you once knew collapsing around you. You’re watching people beat the crap out of zombies! This makes it seem like a zombie apocalypse would be fun! Kuroshitsuji II ended up being surprisingly awesome. But there I was at episode 10, loving where the series was going, and then my little anime world was shattered. I found out it is only 12 episodes. Just when I was thinking “oh, A-1 Pictures, I’m so sorry for doubting you” it turned into “A-1 Pictures you freaking creeps how can you treat me like this?!!!” MAL hasn’t listed the episode count for the time it’s been playing, so I didn’t know what to expect. I expected more than 12 episodes though! I feel cheated. They made us wait a while as they kept pushing back the date, then screwed with us about the new demon butler and master, and they finally managed to do a good story (the last Kuroshitsuji anime, which also deviated from the manga, was pure crap) and they only do 12 episodes. Though episode 11 and ultimately the final one could be bad, but TastyMelon hasn’t released 11 yet. Shiki also turned out to be surprisingly awesome. I didn’t love the first episode (I rarely do) and the animation put me off a little, but it’s turning out so good. Sick of sparkly, “romantic” vampires and vampire knights? This is the anime for you. This is how you do vampires. And damn that Murasako Masao is one strange looking troll. When I watch the next episode I will torment myself again and watch it at night – just for the kicks. I didn’t learn my lesson with Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, or even the last time I watched Shiki. I just started watching it sometime after midnight and the thought occurred to me a couple hours later “maybe I shouldn’t be watching this at night?” and then “I really shouldn’t be watching this at night!” Did I stop? Of course not! As for the other airing shows that I am watching, it’s mostly just to torment myself. Seitokai Yakuindomo, I hate, Amagami SS, I hate slightly less, Seikimatsu Occult Gakuin just gets an “eh” from me, The Redundant Title of Redundancy and Nurarihyon no Mago… I’m dealing with it. And as for Ookami-san, I still haven’t gotten past the first episode. Unfortunately for me all the anime that I’m enjoying is either ending or possibly going on hiatus (we don’t know yet how the Shiki hiatus on one channel will affect our watching). And with the new season seeming pretty blah this is not good news for me.

    I do at least have one currently airing television show here to look forward to and that is Destination Truth, with the hot geek Josh Gates. The new season started yesterday. I don’t have cable right now, but Syfy and Hulu both have the previous episodes available on their websites for a short time. The first Destination Truth episode of the season featured Josh and his team went to Pompeii to search for ghosts, and to Africa to search for a beast called the Nandi Bear. Destination Truth is an awesome cryptozoology/paranormal show that airs on Syfy channel. They go to places and investigate things that no one else does (they’ve even been to Chernobyl), and they found some pretty compelling Yeti proof that’s still being investigated by labs today. Plus, Josh is very cute and charismatic. So if you’re into monster hunting and cute geeks definitely check it out.

    I realize I never said what happened after I went to the doctor the Monday after my blood test. He said everything tested normal except for the thyroid, but it way only low by a very small amount. He said he could put me on a low dosage pill for it, but I can’t swallow pills so that was out of the question. There was an injection for it (like I want to be around needles again any time soon), but it was in a large dosage. He also harassed me about going to the psychiatrist again, so after I get my MRI done I’ll go once and after that tell everyone to fuck off. I hate talking about my feelings and my person life. Then, why do you blog, you say. This blog does not detail my whole life, or even a small portion of my feelings. I do not talk about those things with anyone. I don’t like even being asked “how are you?” I only ever say “fine” when I’m asked that because a) no one really cares, it’s just a pleasantry. You’re supposed to say “I’m great” or “I’m fine” and then ask “how are you”, also not because you care, but because you have to. And b) it’s not anyone’s business. The details of my life and feelings aren’t anyone’s concern but my own. There is something I hate more than people being nosy, and that’s people telling me that letting them will make me feel better. Which is of course what I get when the psychiatrist is brought up. The doctor, my idiot mother, and Cynthia all say “it’ll make you feel better” or “it’ll help you.” Oh, yes, thank you for telling me what I really feel. I guess you all know my personality better than I do. What was I thinking? How could I possibly know what I’m really like, what would I do without your helpful input? BS. Ugh, just thinking about going to a nosy psychiatrist send my blood pressure through the roof. I need chocolate.

    Absent minded webmistress – instead of align=”left” I put my icon as target=”_blank”. Stupid. And WordPress is putting my quotation marks wrong there, not me.

    The Pain Has Finally Subsided

    I went to hospital and had blood taken yesterday. I was pretty nervous beforehand, and I didn’t get much sleep. I have trouble sleeping when I know I have to get up early in the morning, and I had several bad dreams due to my nerves. My aunt Cyndy was supposed to pick Cynthia and me up at 11 AM, but after Cynthia called her at 11:15 we found out Cyndy hadn’t gotten up yet. Cynthia wasn’t happy because she was worried the place would be crowded, since more people go during lunch and there’s only one woman on duty at that time. I didn’t start getting really anxious until we got to the hospital. Like most people I am terrified of them. Adding to the problem, it was also the hospital Nanny, my grandmother, was in before she was transferred to a nursing home where she died. Walking in the front door didn’t exactly bring back fond memories of the place. Passing all the no entry/doctors only doors (“is someone getting cut up behind there?”) and radiation warning signs didn’t help either. My heart was pounding by the time we got the waiting area. There were 7 other people besides the three of us. The first group went in almost right after we got there, the second woman thought she was in the wrong place and left (heard her talking on her cell phone) and the two women we came in with were behind me on the list.

    Since the other woman left I was next, and we weren’t waiting 15 minutes before I was called. The lady was really nice and for the first minute or so just got all the e-paper work done. Then she asked me if I had an arm preference, there was a quick pinch, and it was all done in about 30 seconds. Then we left and Cyndy dropped Cynthia and I off at Eat n Park since I had been fasting for the last 13 hours. I was surprised at how easy getting the blood drawn itself was. I was not prepared for the pain that came after. This was the second time I had blood taken. The first time was at a clinic, and it took the woman a long time poking around my arm before she finally used something called a butterfly needle since she couldn’t find my vein. It hurt a lot more then, it was a disturbing feeling because I could feel the needle inside my arm, and it took a lot longer. But it didn’t hurt afterward. This time it barely hurt while doing it, and it was very quick, but after the pain steadily got worse until my whole arm down to my hand and to the back of my shoulder was aching. After about 24 hours the majority of the pain has finally stopped, except for a bit in the crease of the inside of my elbow where it’s all bruised.

    Cynthia called my doctor today to see if my blood test result had come. They had and he had already looked them over. I do not have diabetes, the nurse said my sugar level was good, and my cholesterol is low. With the way I eat I wonder how can this be? I guess my body has evolved over the level of you petty humans and has adapted to handle high levels of chocolate and grease! :devil: However, there was one problem the doctor did see. My thyroid result was low, and he might want to put me on medication for it. I don’t know much about the thyroid (what it is, where it is, or what it does) but Cynthia said it can make you really tired if it’s low, and make you gain weight. I am dead tired all the time and the simplest tasks exhaust me, so that would make sense. I’m a plump girl, but in no way of the term am I fat (it all goes to my ass and my thighs, if it went up top this wouldn’t be a problem :tears:), but even though I generally don’t eat more than once a day or ever consume more than 1500 calories in a day, my activity level is pretty low, and when I do eat it’s usually nothing good. Even the slightest physical activity knocks me out and gives me a splitting headache, and the exercises that I did do ruined my knees. So I basically gave up on that. I’m going to the doctor on Monday to see what he wants to do, and I’m going to try to get the prescriptions for my MRI and CT Scan then. Though if I had this much trouble going to the hospital just to get some blood taken, I don’t know how I’m going to go through getting putting in the radiation space pod for an hour. Just hit me over the head until I’m knocked out. I’m getting it done to have my brain examined anyway.

    Like My Icon?

    Oh, Aizen, what are you doing?

    In less than 12 hours I’m going to get blood work. Not looking forward to it exactly, but I’m glad it’s finally getting done. After this I’ll have to go to the doctor and get the papers to have an MRI and CT Scan. My mom called on Sunday and asked if I wanted to go to Eat n Park on Monday using the rest of the gift card she had. I could tell she was drunk (as always), and didn’t think she’d actually end up doing it, but I agreed. Monday came and of course she called and said she couldn’t go. The landlord said he might come fix the water and she had to be there for it. Ridiculous. If she doesn’t want to follow through with something, why ask? Not only could the landlord let himself in, but that bum she’s living with doesn’t work. Let him make himself useful. There was no reason for her to stay. So Cynthia took me out today to McDonalds. I thought she would. She usually does after my mom changes her mind. I was hoping to get up to CVS and see if they had Neocash cards, but that’ll have to wait until Cynthia takes me again.

    My mom said she’s been working a lot recently, and once she starts getting money I can have my disability for myself. BS! It runs out in November, and she’s only working part time! If, by some miracle, I do get it before then I’d like to get a camera. I toyed with the idea of getting one with my b-day money, but I only got $125 (counting the $25 my mom took). I looked on Ebay and found some cheap ones, but it’s too risky, and not the buying on Ebay part. I did have a really cheap digital camera before and it was crap. It barely worked and the pictures it took were horrible quality. Then earlier this year I found that the batteries had basically disintegrated inside it and I had to throw it away. So I can’t risk spending up to $125 of the only money I have only something that could turn out to be worthless. I could get a decent one for $200 though, so I’m hoping my mom will come through this once so I can get one. I’ve wanted one for years, I’m really interested in photography as a hobby.

    I thought See the Monkey Dance was the best Alfred Hitchcock Hour episode I’d ever seen… then I saw An Unlocked Window. Scared the crap out of me.

    I haven’t seen any anime recently. My headphones broke again, there’s only sound coming out of one ear unless you hold the cord the right way, so I can’t watch anything until I get new ones. This did give me a chance to catch up with the scanlations of Skip Beat! and I found out that two more chapters of Gunslinger Girl were scanlated. I hadn’t read anything “new” from it in about a year, since no one’s really scanlating it. Now if someone could just get out a couple chapters of Junjou Romantica… at least Okane ga Nai is pretty regular right now. Since I’m on a forced break from anime right now I’m going to take this opportunity to get through some more manga. I have a ton of BL on here, and there’s some other manga I want to get ahead in.

    Since I’m animeless I’ve had to find other things to amuse myself with. One of those things is Neopets, and the other is VDex Project. I dressed up and entered two of my pets in the Style Showdown. The first one didn’t get in, like I knew it wouldn’t, and I’m sure the second one won’t either, but I love customizing on Neopets so this was a lot of fun for me. You can see my two entries after the jump. I love VDex Project. It’s the best adoptables site out there in my opinion. Here’s me and my party looking awesome.

    I’ve caught 262 Pokemon, with 224 Pokedex entries. I am this close to getting the Marsh badge. VDex is so much more fun and involving than GPXPlus, which I’ve grown bored with. VDex requires a higher level of dedication and interaction, because it’s freaking hard to catch these Pokemon, and you have to actually go get them, not just sit around the lab and shelter waiting. There needs to be more adoptables sites like this one.

    In the fanlistings department I have several upcoming, and two recently finished. Code Geass: Charles and Lelouch relationship fanlisting and the fl for British comedy My Family are online. A word of caution for anyone trying to view, the last one won’t display right in all resolutions, I am still working on that little bugger. On TFL I got a most awesome approval, English actress Natalie Dormer, best known for playing Anne Boleyn on Showtime’s The Tudors (which she was awesome in). The fanlisting has been designed and I just have to code it and get it online. At TAFL my upcomings are series Ghost Hound and Mitsudomoe the angela song and Seitokai Yakuindomo ED Aoi Haru (the best thing about that stupid series), and the Mitsudomoe character Marui Hitoha.

    Here are my Style Showdown entries! Aisli is no longer dressed this way though, she’s back in her Woodland Archer outfit.


    Masked in Mystery: I call this one “The Phantom of the Cybunnys after burying Raobbit in the Haunted Woods”


    Sugar and Spice: This is “I was made to hit in America” Carmetia. A small pic of her as she was before the contest. I can’t wait until it’s over so I can put her back the way she was, she looked so cool.

    My other pets are Aediantia and GerryBJr looking equally great.

    Can You Tell I Hate Titles?

    Today is the last day of my mom’s two days off, then she works the next two days and has off Friday. She said we’d go out to Red Lobster yesterday, but we didn’t, and ordered from Domino’s instead. I haven’t gotten food from there in years. I got my usual, plain wings, and my mom tried their new pizza. We also got their new dessert Chocolate Lava Crunch Cakes. I had their last chocolate dessert years ago and it was awful, so I wasn’t expecting much from this, but it turned out to be wonderful. Today we went out with her acquaintance Randy to DeBlasio’s. It was okay, and I managed to eat quite a lot. All my steak except the edges, 4 pieces of bread, most of my baked potato, and a few french fries. My mom had a surf and turf type meal, a steak and small lobster tail, and a few bites of salad and she was done. She was drunk by the time we got there. We went to his place first and she drank some vodka, then a beer, and was drunk after that, then had at least one glass of wine at the restaurant. After we ate we stopped in Giant Eagle since we almost never get to the store now (no car), but my mom was drunk and rushing around yelling that she didn’t know where anything was (she always does that though), so we didn’t get everything we needed. We might get to house sit for Randy for a week started Apr 3. I love his townhouse, and we were supposed to house sit for him when he went to Hawaii for two weeks, but he left early so we didn’t get to.

    In anime I’m watching Durarara!!, Bleach (stay away from my Bleach you Hollywood creeps!), Hidamari Sketch, K-ON, Hanasakeru Seishounen, Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, Kanon, Kimikiss Pure Rouge, Gakuen Heaven, Air, Hunter x Hunter. I’m watching quite a few others, but these I’m watching somewhat regularly, and the others I’m just doing episodes whenever I feel like it. I still have at least 20 other series on here to start. I’m love my Bleach, Durarara (Isaac and Miria, you too?!) is my precious, Hanasakeru is okay, but I don’t like Rumaty/Lumati and hate all the crap about his country. I like Li Ren and Eugene. When the Cicadas Cry was better in the first scenario and has gone downhill from there. Hidamari Sketch is surprisingly likable. I’m not a big slice of life fan, Aria and especially Azumanga drive me crazy, but Hidamari Sketch is much better and easier to take. I have a lot more on here, so I’ve got to get moving. 748 more episodes to watch…

    I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars often but I know the judges are jerks. That said, their score for Niecy Nash was very unfair. After that show I switched to Nick like I usually do at night, and I saw a new promo for the KCA with Nicola Peltz and Jackson Rathbone, where the Katara LA actress will try to “slimebend.” She was cute, but once again Sokka was called Soh-ka. I swear if he’s called that in the actual movie I will revolt, and I encourage all other Avatar: TLA fans to do the same. If Sokka is pronounced Soh-ka in the movie, Avatar fans should start calling them all different names: Cat-tara, Ung, Zuck-o, EE-roh, Ozaii (like Hawaii)… Anything but their real names. I saw the promo again the next day and it was corrected to Sokka!

    Yesterday it was one year since all my health crap started. Right now I haven’t had much side pain recently for a few months now, little eye pain, no shooting pain, and some mild numbness. But my headaches, which I started getting really bad a few months after March 22nd, and the pains in my head are continuing. I’m surprised nothing has happened this spring yet, and hopefully it won’t knock on wood. It’s been one year since my health problems started, and two years since my grandfather and aunts house burned down (I always think Nanny’s house, but my grandmother died several years ago, so…) I don’t remember what happened the spring before that, but it’s possible the bowlegged freak was there and that was hell. Of course bad things happen all year round, but spring is a particularly bad time. Hopefully the streak will break and some good luck will start coming our way.

    I don’t know whether to drag the computer into the bedroom, or wait and see if Bleach and Kobato are released… Edit: Bleach came out, I’ll wait a little longer for Kobato and then I’m going back to watch more anime. Edit 2: Got Kobato, getting off.

    Last Post

    So this is supposed to be my last day online. Really this time. My mom finally got the flash drives on Thursday and got them to me on Friday. 50 some dollars for two 8 GB at Best Buy. They’re half that online. So since I had got everything I needed backed up down from 25 to 20 to 19 and then only had 16 GB I had to get zipping and uploading again. So some of my stuff might not be there when I get a computer because it didn’t zip right, or didn’t upload right, or MU decided to delete it. I knew they wouldn’t actually fit 8 GB each, but I still thought it would be enough after I got them both under 8 GB. Nope. The first one fit 7.80 GB and the second on 7.30. So I had to delete some of my precious Code Geass episodes, and over 630 MB of music. While trying to upload everything I kept getting “undefined” and “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable” errors. This is driving me crazy. You can’t upload the same file twice, and it knows even if you rename it because it’s still the same size, so I can’t even upload them again. So I had to keep changing the files so they would have different sizes when I needed to reupload them, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about my music, since they still keep saying “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable,” some on and off, and some have been like that since I uploaded them. Right now two of my Code Geass soundtracks are saying it, and God knows how many other files are saying it as well, since there are so many I can’t check them all, it would take too long to upload them all again, and they’ve probably already been deleted from the computer anyway.

    I still have to delete my music and a couple various files, uninstall my last programs (BitTorrent, Filezilla, VLC Media Player, KMPlayer, Firefox). I’m waiting a little while longer to do that since then I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anything for a while. Right now I’m downloading the latest Kobato. episode so I’ll get to watch that before everything has to go. I’d like to get in some Kuroshitsuji chapters too. I was happy to find out that the second anime is actually supposed to start in January, and not spring like I had originally thought, so not much longer to wait. Since I now love adoptables sites I joined Squiby (Valenth too when I get back), originally because I’m getting sick of all the sucky art changes at the Pokemon adoptable site Virtuadopts. That artist and the sites admin both are idiots, and I hate them. But I ended up getting tons of other things too. A few Bleach, a Naruto one, a Lelouch, two Alucards, two L’s, Ayanami, Kero-chan, Sadako from Ringu (who’s already peeking out of her well), other Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Grell from Kuroshitsuji. I wish someone would make a Sebastian one too, and lot’s of other anime and manga ones.

    My mom was once again supposed to call the doctor yesterday but didn’t. I finally broke down and told her to get chocolate since it’s been 3 weeks since I had any (and two weeks since my old blood test results were supposed to get there) and I’m still way over the daily sugar limit. But since it’s cold I’ve been wearing socks most of the time and haven’t seen my feet, and when I’ve had them off I’ve mostly just glanced at them because I don’t want to know. But I did see them yesterday after I talked to my mom and then I regretted telling her to get chocolate since they don’t look good. The red and purple is getting darker and spreading, and the spot on one toe that was really itchy (my toes/feet are always itchy) looked horrible. I almost called my mom back it looked so bad. It has various shades of dark purple spots mixed in dark purple coloring. If she comes today like she’s supposed to I’m going to make her take a look at them since she’s never seen it.

    Still Here

    No icon this time. I don’t feel like looking one up. My mom is taking her good old time. First she was supposed to get the flash drives Sunday and bring them day of. Then she said on Sunday that she was going to get them and would call after she did and bring them on Monday. She didn’t call again and didn’t call on Monday either. She finally called after 6 on Tuesday and said her work only had 2 GB and 4 GB flash drives, no 8, so she couldn’t get them. She said she was going to the store in a little bit to get the turkey she saved up points for (yeah, thanks for reminding me about stupid Thanksgiving) and would see if they had them there. Because everybody knows supermarkets have the United State’s leading entertainment and technology sections. Once again she said she’d call after, and never did.

    I’m down three more pounds and 17 more to go. I barely eat anything since it’s so difficult and now I’m watching out for sugar. Yesterday I choked on my Cheerios and a dinner roll got stuck in my throat, so I didn’t eat anymore after that. My toes looked really bad yesterday, the worst they’ve looked so far, my knees aren’t improving, and my hands have started tingling again. My mom was supposed to call the doctor on Monday since it’s been over two weeks and they haven’t called here.

    I’ve barely been sleeping. With my health, life situations, and now all this my stress has gone through the roof, I really cannot handle any more. I found out that the DVD player doesn’t work at all without the remote. It does go to the menu, but you can’t play if from there because you can’t select play. I then thought to hook up my portable DVD player to the TV, and even though it doesn’t play subtitles I thought it might through the TV. The first DVD I tried worked so I went and reordered my Netflix list again to put up all the anime I’d been watching. I was happy that at least I could continue to watch anime, and on the TV instead of the much smaller computer screen. When I went and tried to watch a different DVD it wouldn’t work, it kept playing the dub. So I had to go remove almost 30 volumes of anime from my list, and one of the DVDs has to be sent back without me even watching it. That really hurt.

    Edit: And the stress keeps piling on, thanks to my mom. She called at around 5 today to say she was going to Best Buy and then to Shop n’ Save (which she was supposed to do yesterday). She didn’t get here until 7:10, and then said she was going to Best Buy tomorrow. So she must have taken her good old time getting to the store because by then all the good food was gone and all that was left was their crappy fried chicken. I guess it’s good that by that time I was sobbing so much I could barely taste it. She left a message with the school today saying that we got the shipping labels and was trying to get flash drives, and that’s why it was taking so long. All I could say was “Please tell me you didn’t actually say that.” She said yes, because she had to have an excuse. WTF. You aren’t supposed to use the computer for personal reasons, they don’t care if you have to get flash drives for stuff you’re not supposed to have on there in the first place. But she couldn’t get it through her thick skull that that was not an excuse, just a reason to piss them off even more. I don’t know why people don’t get it. My aunt says “well it’s not like vulgar things on there” (uh, define vulgar…) and my mom says “well it’s not like you were planning a bank heist on there” and they just don’t get that it doesn’t matter. You are not supposed to have anything on there. Then she said “What are they going to do, arrest me.” ???!!! Yes, remember that “we’ll put a warrant out for your arrest.” Ohhh, but flash drives are an excuse. So many people lack common sense. Then when I went into the kitchen to get my disgusting food I found someone (don’t know if it was her or the freak) threw food from the freezer into the garbage, and I got to put the garbage food back into the freezer. You can’t put things that rot into the garbage when there’s fruit flies. That just creates more breeding grounds for them, and since I’m the one that’s always here I’m the one that has to deal with it. The reason things got moved from the freezer was to put the turkey she got in there, which did nothing to improve my mood. She’s not going to make a turkey here, she’s not even going to be here. I’m going to be all alone for the holidays like always, so why do I have to see the freaking turkey! Keep it over there where it belongs. So that’s why by then I was crying again.

    The Incredible Adventures of Megan

    Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

    Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

    I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

    My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.