So Went to the Doctor

The following has a lot of ranting and swearing, so if you’re going to whine and bitch about me being angry or something don’t read it. Do the world a favor and go kill yourself instead. Still, I’ve placed a cut off where it gets really bad, so you don’t see it unless you click “more.”

Like I said before I haven’t really been in the mood to blog for a few weeks now. I can’t even bring myself to watch any anime or read any manga. I went to the doctor on Monday. I was really unsure about it when I saw it because it’s not in an actual building or anything, and from the outside it looks like a house. Well, it probably was a house and was remodeled. That place is surprisingly busy though. We waited for a while an my mom went in first, then a while later me. I talked to the nurse a little and she checked my height/weight, blood pressure (110/45 I think), and my pulse. She was shocked by my pulse and asked if it was always that fast. It is, I have the heartbeat of a hummingbird. I’m sure that isn’t good. I had to wait even longer for the doctor. I guess the room I was in is also where a lot of supplies are kept supplies in because the nurse and some med student kept going in and out. The med student was getting a needle ready for something, I guess someone was getting a shot. I wouldn’t want to be on the other end of that. The nurse kept saying “no, no, you’ll bend the needle” and “you have to get the air bubbles!” and “cap the needle, you can’t walk around with it like that.” I’m surprise the person survived it. When the doctor came in the med student followed, which I was not happy about. You should have to consent to it. Even if she is a student I don’t think she has any right to listen in on my conversation with a doctor. Don’t confidentiality laws cover that? He let me basically say everything I wanted to, but I felt really rushed. It’s difficult enough talking to people I know, extremely difficult to strangers, and with an audience? I ended up missing a lot because I wasn’t able to go calmly through my list. He even let the girl use me as a guinea pig. The doctor checked my eyes and apparently there could be something wrong with them. Then had her check my eyes, and she said something about discoloration. When he did my reflexes (knees, arm, and achilles) he let her to my heel too. And he listened to my heart, breathing. He told me to take a deep breath but honestly it wasn’t that deep, since I was having trouble breathing well at that time (I do sometimes).

He’s having me get an MRI and a CT Scan, but he’s waiting until he gets my old blood test results before he’ll have me get others, since I don’t know everything they tested. I do know they did not check my sugar. So now I’ve got to wait a week for that before he’ll order more tests. Then my mom doesn’t have off a weekday next week so I’ll have to wait until the week after that to go to the hospital. This is ridiculous. She should have explained the situation and asked off for a day next week, instead of making me wait even longer. Why can’t people realize this is serious?!! At this point it’s the diabetes test I desperately need. I’ve temporarily cut all sugar out of my diet until I know whether or not I have it so I don’t make things worse. They’re still getting worse on their own. My feet are continuing to get more discolored. Mostly it’s just a deep maroon sort of color, but I had noticed some other brown dots inside them. Now instead of brown dots inside of the red, they’re just brown small spots. I noticed today when I got a pain in one of my toes, and I reached down to touch it. The area was really hard, so I took of my sock to look at it and there the brown spots were. I checked the other marks on my toes to see if any of them were hard, and one was too. There’s also constant sort of numb feeling on the top of my foot in front of the toes, and a feeling that’s sort of like when it’s going to get numb in the actual toes. This started happening in the last two weeks of October and is only getting worse. If this is diabetes and my toes are changing color due to a lack of blood flow I could lose them if I don’t get help like now. But as always no one will do anything. And that’s not the only thing, knowing my mom even if my toes do start getting black she won’t take me to the hospital right away, and I’ll end up losing my whole foot! I better not have diabetes and I better not lose any of my toes, or I’ll smash all hers and that freaking doctors for letting it happen. And then Cynthia tells me that I shouldn’t worry, I just shouldn’t think about it, that even people who have diabetes can eat sugar, and that the doctors will find out what’s wrong with me and fix it, then I can go to school and get a job because I have to help out around here. Okay let’s start with her first fucking stupid statement. I am so sick of people telling me not to worry and telling me how to feel. Of course I’m worried about it, and I should be! Any normal person would be worried, and anyone who wouldn’t is a fucking freak who doesn’t deserve to breathe. They should just die! Those happy-go-lucky optimistic people are so sickening, they need a good dose of reality! Second, sure people with diabetes can eat sugar once in a while, just not a lot of it. But not when their toes are about to fall off!!!! Why can’t anyone figure out with their tiny, stupid fucking minds why I am not eating any sugar when my toes are changing color? Even after I repeatedly tell them why they still don’t listen!!! I can’t risk it! I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it, I can’t risk it! I can’t risk making the situation worse, or speeding up the process of my toes/feet get amputated. But no one cares if I have to since it doesn’t affect them, so they don’t feel like they have to listen. Anyone else who could have diabetes and their toes are changing color and they want to eat candy and drink pop, go ahead I don’t care if you have to get body parts chopped off. But I’m not going to. Then there’s the “doctors will find out what it is, doctors will fix it so don’t worry” crap. Most of the people in my family are older, and a lot in my immediate family have had health problems. Cynthia knows doctors are stupid, worthless people who don’t care about anything but money. Doctors don’t know anything and they don’t care, and 9 times out of 10 they don’t know what’s wrong with you or what to do about it. She knows that because it’s been going on with her for years. The same thing happened to her older sister, my grandmother, until she died from their stupidity because they couldn’t figure out she had cancer until a month before she died. And once they find out what’s wrong with you, it doesn’t mean they can fix it. There isn’t a magical “fix it” pill that makes you better. Diabetes can be managed, yes. MS and brain injuries cannot be fixed, and there’s very little they can do for either of them. She keeps saying how there’s treatment for it now, and how someone she worked with had a mother with MS and she did fine with it and had 6 kids. And they didn’t even have treatment back then. That’s bs. MS is different for everyone, and there are different types of MS. There are treatments for it, but they mostly treat the symptoms not the problem. And most people with MS still end up at least with trouble walking if not paralyzed. She knows absolutely nothing about MS but she’s like everyone else in this family and thinks she knows everything. And I’m sick of hearing from her about how I have to figure out what I want to do and what I want to go to school for. I can barely fucking talk and think right, or walk and she never shuts up about that! I have a lot more important things on my mind like, uh, trying to survive, than that. I have enough to worry about with having to put up with that crap. I am close to snapping as it is already, people need to keep their little opinions to themselves.

Well I feel better now. At least until something else upsets me. My feet aren’t feeling too good though, since I’m sitting. Can’t sit, can’t stand, can’t lay down. I’m going to go try to exercise a little more. I really can’t do a lot now since my muscles were already aching after the doctors, but I had to keep exercising anyway. Then when I noticed the color on my foot was spreading I really freaked. So I can barely walk. I’m hobbling around here. I think I pulled something in the back of my right leg too. But I have to do it anyway.

Monday’s Child

A lot of the time I think “I am 19 and falling apart. I am 19 and have the body of a 50 year-old! How could this be happening to me? Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do? I don’t want this!” And then I remember that I was 18 when this started. So I was 18 and falling apart. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I’ve had trouble for so many years. I already had trouble speaking because of my shyness, but I noticed something else. There was something really wrong with my ability to talk. But I couldn’t talk about because, well, I have trouble talking, and I couldn’t explain it anyway. No one would understand. But at least I could still write. I was able to write clearly and get my feelings and thoughts across, even if still nobody cared, I could. Then it just got harder and harder to do that. Until now when I barely write at all anymore, besides blogs, posts, and comments. And it’s not the same. This isn’t how I used to write. I used to be so much better than this. It used to mean so much to me. And then I think “Why is everything slipping away from me?” Because it isn’t just the 50 year-olds body I have, it’s the mind too.

I am so worried right now. That’s nothing new, I’m a worrisome person by nature, I worry about everything. But this is extreme. It’s just a couple days until I go to the doctor. I’m anxious about many different things. I have trouble talking in general but I am also very shy, which doesn’t help. So trouble talking + talking to strangers = a big mess. I’m worried about not being listened to or taken seriously, since that happened with the last doctor I went to, as well as my family. Of course I’m worried about the actual tests. And I’m also worried about all this happening too late. I will probably definitely be tested for diabetes since it’s the easiest, and he might be able to do it in his office, since that’s only taking blood. But then you have to wait for the results. And if he can’t do that in his office I’ll have to wait another week or more for the appointment, and then more time for the results. Same goes for MS, if he does decide to have me tested for it, which hopefully he will. That’ll be another week or more for the tests, and I don’t know how long for the results. It has already been about 7 months since all this officially started. What if the diagnosis comes too late? If it’s diabetes, well, that’s actually the most dangerous at this present time. You can lose a limb or appendage, or go into a coma. MS, while in actuality is more severe, usually takes longer, and I’ve never heard of it putting anyone into a coma or forcing anyone to get anything amputated, though it does paralyze. I’ve been thinking about this since this all started, but every time I notice something new I get more worried. The something new I talked about was in this post, though I actually didn’t go into all of it, and didn’t feel like talking about it in my last post, since my health is all I ever talk about now. I just said I’d been having pain in my feet. But the truth is it was my toes weren’t just aching, after that I started getting a lot of pain in my feet (around the toes) when I walked. It last on and off for a few days, and I haven’t really had it since then, just the normal brief strange/stinging/numb stuff. But it was at that time I noticed strange marks on my feet. Bumbs on two of my toes, and red marks elsewhere on my toes. It’s hard to describe the marks because they don’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Not bruises or blisters, something like it, but not it. It’s also pretty impossible for me to get blisters (100% for bruises, since I’m always hitting things, especially with my feet) since I rarely go out so I rarely wear shoes. After that I decided not to look anymore since it just upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I did today just a little while ago. Now there’s more. They don’t look awful, and in any normal person while they might find it strange, wouldn’t think it serious. But in my position with diabetes one of the possibilities I have to think about this sort of thing. I tried to exercise my legs a bit after I found more today (they’re the only part of me I can exercise), but my bad knee was acting up again and I didn’t want to risk making it worse. If it is diabetes I shouldn’t be getting worse. I don’t eat like I used to, mainly sandwiches, cereal, lots of milk, and occasionally a rotisserie chicken, and I’ve been eating potato chips with my sandwiches now since I’m so sick of them now I can barely stand the taste. I eat McDonalds at the most twice a week, when I used to eat it most days of the week, and pop only when we go out or I eat fast food, when I used to drink it every day. Unless I’m out I don’t salt my foods anymore. No more thousand calorie, 90% daily fat TV dinners either. Not a lot of chocolate either or other stuff either. I used to eat all the time, whenever I felt like it, and now I don’t. There’s not a lot of stuff that I like, or can make on my own, and stuff has been cut out since I have trouble swallowing. Except probably when I eat McDonalds, I never break 2000 calories, and most of the time probably not 1000. Because of that and my pathetic daily exercise I’ve lost 20 lbs since April. But I still feel awful, and my health is not improving.

Well, now I have something new to add to my list. I still have to write up my list of everything that’s happened in the past 7 months. Luckily, I already wrote a lot of stuff down on here, so all I have to do is copy it. I’ve been procrastinating in doing it because I really don’t want to think about all this stuff, since I’ve already thought it over so many times every day since it started, and because I’m so nervous about the doctors appointment. I don’t trust doctors as it is, and with it being so hard for me to get my point across, I hope he just sits there patiently and let’s me get through everything I have to. Unlike the last doctor who wouldn’t let me finish, and was more concerned about getting me on prozac. In case you don’t know, all the last doctor did when I went to her a month after my symptoms started, was take my pulse and tell me my circulation was fine (based on my pulse), and that I probably pinched a nerve and it would clear up on its own. Thanks a lot. That was really helpful.

Still… Monday hurry up!

Where’s Schneizel This Week?!

He’s taking a break. I’m sure he’ll be back for my next post to share is hotness with the world again. My mom and I were supposed to go out again this Monday to Red Lobster and it didn’t happen. She called me at 9:30 to say she called UPMC and switched my PCP to a new doctor not too far from here (on my health care I can only go to a certain doctor unless they refer me to someone else), but his office wasn’t open yet so she had to wait to make the appointment. So she said she’d call back later. I went back to sleep and she called again after 2. But she said she wasn’t feeling well so we couldn’t go out today. She once again said we’d go to Red Lobster next Monday, but since she’s been saying that for 3 years now I won’t hold my breath.

I am finally going to the doctor next Monday, sometime in the morning. So I’m going to have to write down everything that’s been happening to me, and what I want to say in the order I want to say it since I have trouble talking. After that I’ll have to get blood work done, and if he listens to me, an MRI. I hope I don’t have to get a spinal tap too, MRI is bad enough. An MRI is where you get in one of those big tube things, and a spinal tap is where they stick a needle in your spine to get fluid out. If I get an MRI I think I’ll have to be sedated because I’ll freak, checking for MS can take a long time (2 hours), and they better not try a spinal tap unless they want to end up with the needle in their eye. I have enough problems without someone sticking a needle in my spine. As if the possibility of having Multiple sclerosis wasn’t bad enough, they have to come up with torturous tests for it, and a lot of them, since there isn’t any one thing that shows you have it.

I finally cleared out my manga list and moved a ton of stuff to on hold, so now there’s only 15 on reading for now. I’m going to start Kobato., Kuroshitsuji, Darker Than Black Shikkoku no Hana, Monster, Honey and Clover, Kimi ni Todoke, NANA, Nyan Koi, Prince of Tennis, and some others. I have started Cardcaptor Sakura, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Hellsing, am continuing with Skip Beat!, Bleach, Minami-ke. I wish I could continue with Junjou and Gunslinger but still no new scanlated chapters for them. I just couldn’t hold off any longer, it had been months since I read any manga. But I still have to be very careful. I’d love to be able to download from stoptazmo.com since they have practically every manga ever made, but for some reason their files don’t scan right in Kaspersky. It just shows manganame.zip:Zone.Identifier and then says scanned 2 files no threats detected. I know there aren’t only two files in the zip, and I don’t know what Zone.Identifier means, so I won’t open them, can’t risk it. Which sucks because I lose a great resource since every file from Stop Tazmo says that.

Sites I’m addicted to (besides my dailies): FAIL Blog, I Can Has Cheezburger, Fail Dogs slash I Has a Hotdog, Dreaming of Kittens, My First Fail, This is Photobomb, and Pundit Kitchen. Basically every site listed on FAIL Blog. I can’t help it, they’re so funny. Engrish has its moments too. Here are some of my faves.

Because Schneizel is Hot

He gets to be my icon this time. Haven’t posted anything in almost a month. Just haven’t felt like it, and I don’t try to force myself like I used to. I went out a couple times with my mom to The Cheesecake Factory, and stopped at Joseph Beth Booksellers one of the times, looking for a Stephen King story. I’m so over that place now. They’re overpriced and their staff is so rude and pretentious. You work at a Joseph Beth bookstore, okay, not the Louvre! We were supposed to go to Red Lobster the Monday before last since I haven’t been there in several years, but my mom decided to go out to dinner with my visiting uncle instead. The dinner ended up sucking btw. Then we were supposed to go up to Eat n’ Park today after she got off work today, since it was an early day, but I knew she had changed her mind yesterday when she didn’t mention it. Whenever she says we’ll go out on one of her early days I know it’s not going to happen because she never follows through with it then.

I missed last weeks Melrose Place, Modern Family, Cougar Town, the past two Mythbusters, and the last Destination Truth. I’m probably dropping Modern Family since I do not think it is as good as everyone says. But I still like Melrose and Cougar Town, and Destination Truth has been really good recently.

In anime I’ve made it more than halfway through Cardcaptor Sakura, and am up to 70 on Bleach. A few more episodes and it’ll be my longest series. The current is Monster at 74 episodes, and then Blood+ at 50. I finished my beloved Toradora early this month, and that God awful Romeo x Juliet (Tybalt, Francisco, and Curio <3 though). The new anime season started around that time so I’ve got even more on my plate now. Some I’m really wishing I hadn’t started like Book of Bantorra, Tegami Bachi (sorry Fukuyama Jun!), and Seitokai no Ichizon. Also regretting Miracle Train a little bit, but I knew what I was getting myself into there so it’s my own damn fault. I’m liking Kobato. and Nyan Koi, Kimi ni Todoke is okay, but Darker than BLACK 2 is really going down in points since they’re killing off all the original characters. It’s just Hei (looking really ugly) and a little bit of Kirihara until they kill her off, then we’ll be left with Hei x stupid Russian Mary Sue loli, and all the new people. The other anime that I’m liking… well Bleach and Cardcaptor. I’ve really grown attached to them, it surprised me how much I started liking Bleach. It really is just a likable anime with lots of likable characters. Rented Memories of Nobody through Netflix, it was fun. I like Honey and Clover, but not as much right now as I did when I first started it (same with Kyouran Kazoku Nikki, though that’s “don’t like very much at all right now), and Prince of Tennis, Trigun. Fate/stay Night is okay, it’s the next most liked. Shangri-la is eh, but I can’t move forward in it because I’m having trouble finding the episodes. The only thing I like about Beck right now is the opening theme. Saki… omg, I’m pretty sure I said this before about this anime, but Mahjong is so boring! And since I’m not yuri inclined or a guy, no amount of big breasted, short skirted lolis can make it interesting for me. Maybe if it was a Mahjong death match then it’d be interesting (or some hot open shirted guys with some bishies thrown in for good measure, either way). The first Gundam and Evangelion… so not a mecha fan. 07-Ghost can be okay sometimes. At least Ayanami is hot, and sort of looks like Schneizel, so that distracts me enough to forget the show isn’t that great, and keeps me coming back. Unfortunately that was the same problem I had with Romeo x Juliet. Damn you hot anime guys!

I really, really want to continue with my manga. No new scanlations of Gunslinger Girl or Junjou Romantica have come out yet (I hate you scanlators) but there’s lot’s of others I want to get on with, and some I want to start. I might just give up trying to wait for a different computer and start again anyway.

Hmm, health wise there haven’t been any major developments except my toes have started aching most of the time, and I’ve had trouble walking after getting out of bed. It’s not like it’s numb really, but like it has no strength in it at all.

And lastly, aren’t my dragons cute? The last two might be dead soon since they’re not growing up fast enough. It’s going to take my other eggs a while to hatch, and my Pokemon egg who knows how long to hatch, since they have to be feed/clicked/page viewed/walked and it takes a lot of it. I don’t know what the Pokemon will be, but I know what the other eggs will be here, here, here, and here. Aren’t they cute? The first one sort of looks like a panda. I’d also like a Mo, and maybe a Bunthoff (got one!). Too bad you can’t see what you’re getting. I already ended up with two Punbundu because of that.

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I don’t feel well right now, physically or mentally. Because I’ve been so depressed (more than “usual” depression) I’ve made myself not feel well from eating too much chocolate (I thought the icon was appropriate), since that makes me feel better emotionally for a little bit. There hasn’t been much chocolate in the house for a while, but I remember we had some semi-sweet chocolate chips that my mom got to make chocolate chip pancakes but never did. Except in pancakes I don’t like semi-sweet chips, but I was desperate and ate some a couple days ago. I discovered they’re much better when melted a little bit in the microwave, and I’ve gone through 1 1/2 bags of them so far. I haven’t had any more bad pains, numbness, or anything else out of the ordinary since the last time I posted but still… All this grates on my nerves. I’m naturally an emotion person, but this really gets to me. When it’s bad like this I burst in to tears or flip out over anything, and this isn’t even the worst I’ve been. Then little things upset and worry me more. Like seeing the veins in my thighs, legs, and lower back. They look awful and stand out so much. Or all the random bruises all over my body. And something I discovered a few minutes ago. I have dried blood on my lower back, a little above where the legs starts. I tried rubbing it with a wet napkin but it wouldn’t come off. I haven’t noticed anything near there, and I don’t know of anything that could cause it. It doesn’t look like a bug bite, it’s too big, and the only things that touch my back is the chair I sit in at the computer, the couch, and the bed when I lay down. Even bumping into walls couldn’t cause it because I haven’t hit anything sharp on that side. Yesterday I talked to my mom, who said she’d finally take me to the doctor in a week or two. That’s because I’d just gotten off the phone with Cynthia after breaking down when arguing with her because I was having trouble talking again. My mom said she didn’t know what that could be, and I said I had an idea. She asked what it was but I broke down again and refused to say because she’d just ridicule me and call me a hypochondriac. She said she’d never do that, but she’s done it before, ever since all this started. She said that was just because I keep saying different things. I’m so sorry my symptoms are so sporadic. My mom also said that she’s sick. I hope it isn’t swine flu, someone her age recently died from that. My mom heard the woman probably had something wrong with her immune system, and she wondered if she herself did, since she has trouble with bug bites. I didn’t think about it until later because my mind is so slow, but MS is a type of immune deficiency. If I have MS, and if my mom had swine flu and gave it to me, she’d have a better chance of surviving than I would. It would be better that way anyway. I’ve been suicidal for years, but more so now. Sometimes I think it would be better to die than to suffer like this, or die slowly. At least if I got that flu I would die naturally. Then it would be “an act of God.” I thought of it a couple months ago, but if some people take medication to die (which actually doesn’t work very well, I’ve thought a lot about this) I have a whole bottle of prozac. I don’t know if that would kill me though. I heard that helium is a popular method of suicide at the moment, I found out about that on ANN. Apparently if you get it straight from the container it’s a gentle death because you just go to sleep. I don’t think I ever be able to get my hands on one of those unfortunately, but that would be a nice way to die. It’s a step up for the cleaning liquids method (you mix certain cleaning products together and they create a very powerful noxious gas) because that one kills you and everyone else around too. I don’t want to hurt my cat, or random people (though mostly my cat).

Maybe I’ll write about why I was arguing with my aunt in the first place tomorrow. I also have to write about the G-20 which is going to be starting here soon. It’s causing a ton of trouble. But that’s all I feel like talking about right now. I can’t sit anymore, I have to get moving. There isn’t much exercise I can do because everything is so tough on my body, but I have to do what I can.

MS Girl?

On Saturday my mom brought me a Marie Callender frozen chocolate satin pie, so I’ve just been eating that for the past couple days. I know I should eat some cereal to get the vitamins but I just can’t bright myself to do it. I’m not in a good mood. I want chocolate. The reason why I’m not in a good mood (besides the usual stuff) is because of two things. Early Saturday morning I had trouble walking. I’ve had some problems before like my leg suddenly going out from under me, or getting a pain and then having it stop working, but this was different. There was an awful pain in my lower back practically in the bottom that affected my whole right leg (that’s usually the leg it is). I hobbled back to bed and while it bothered me a little bit later in the day it wasn’t as bad as it was then. Yesterday I finally decided to look up two of my unplaced symptoms. Trouble swallowing and pain in my side (ribs). They’re things I’ve been getting but haven’t been able to place with a certain illness. Well I have found what they belong to, and it’s on of the possibilities for what I have. MS (dysphagia and MS hug). Before there was a good chance I had MS. Now there’s a very good chance. I knew I had symptoms, but I never realized how many. And they’ve all happened within the past few months, most of them within a month that the numbness started. If I do have it I’ve had it for a very long time, because a few of these things like numbness, balance problems, side pain started happening a few years ago. The first time I had numbness in my hand that wouldn’t go away was the 8th grade. My hand was numb for several hours at school. It bothered me then and I tried to see the school nurse but there were like 20 kids in there (all skipping class) so I didn’t get to see her. I thought at the time that it might be carpal tunnel since I did have pain in my hands/wrists/arms before. Then after a few hours it went away and it didn’t come back (until March of this year). Incidentally it was in my left hand then too. I had occasional numbness in my toes (the same ones it bothers now) between 7-9th grade. Then it went away and didn’t come back. I first had that pain in my side when I was almost 16. All of a sudden there was a pain in my ribs in my left side and I had trouble breathing. After 5 minutes or so it went away, and while I had some discomfort there over the years it didn’t bother me again… until this spring. And all that in itself is one of the signs of MS, and one of the reasons it is so hard to catch. It happens so randomly, and symptoms appear then disappear. Like the past couple months my toes had started bothering me a lot and I was having less numbness in my arms, then the toes stopped and the numbness in my hands started again while I was trying to sleep, toes started bothering me again, and now besides the usual slight numbness in the tips of some of my fingers (particularly the index of the left hand – the one that started it all) neither is bothering me. It’s been like that since late March. Sudden pain here, numbness there, there’s no method to it.

So here are all the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. I experienced most of them sometime within a month of the major numbness first starting at the end of March when I had constant numbness in my hand(s) for several weeks. Eye pain: to my knowledge this only happened once for a couple days at most, and it probably happened a 1-2 months after the numbness started. It hurt pretty much consistently with at least a dull pain though more when it moved. Flashing lights/vision: because I have other eye trouble and I’m so used to eye trouble it’s hard to tell how often this happens, but I have noticed it occasionally. Another eye problem I get that I can’t place is static. I see “through” dots a lot of the time, which are like static on a television (when there are black and white dots and it goes cshhhh… I don’t know if that’s a problem or if it’s normal. There’s also another vision thing that bothers me but I don’t know how to describe it so I’ll just leave it out. Fatigue: This is one of the big ones. I’ve always been a tired person, but I’ve never been so completely exhausted before. It doesn’t matter if I get a good amount of sleep I’m always completely wiped out. I’ve been trying to have better posture since all this started happening, but sometimes I don’t even have the energy to sit up straight. The other day when I was playing with the cat I was on my stomach and I had to try several times to push myself back up because I just couldn’t do it. I’ve also been trying to exercise since this started, just to get the blood flowing in case it’s a problem with circulation (as well as MS, or something else), but I’ve become less and less able. Standing and moving… uh. Pain: A big one, but thankfully it’s usually short periods of extreme pain, or short-long periods of mild-dull pain. Mostly it’s just random sharp pains all over my body. I also experience a lot of headaches. I have for a few years, but the degree of pain that comes with them has risen sharply. I’ve also started getting migraines, which I never did before until a few months ago. Like I said before I get pain in my left side that started again in April and from then on came and went in different extremes. It also once appeared in the same area but in my back, and once, briefly in my right side. This could be what’s called the MS hug. One time, and it never happened again, I had a horrible, shooting pain that started somewhere in the bottom of my head/top of my neck, then shot all the way down my spine/back and through my leg. That could be what’s called L’hermitte’s sign. Other things classified as “pain” are numbness – big time, but where it is and how bad it is is random, though it hasn’t been as bad as it was when it first started. Pins and needles – I haven’t had this too bad for a couple months, but at it’s height it was in the pads my feet for hours-days at a time. Other pain I have is aching in my entire back/neck/shoulders and I don’t know if that’s a symptom of MS or not. I have that pretty much all of the time, but of course it’s worse when I’m sitting. Spasms/jerks: I don’t usually get this, but it has happened a few times where my leg just jerks suddenly. I don’t know if it would be classified under this, but the only thing I do get a lot is nerves jumping. Sometimes it seems like there is always a nerve jumping somewhere whether it’s my leg, stomach, side, or eye. Cognitive: This is a big problem for me. I have trouble remembering everything. I’ll be in the middle of saying something when I forget a word, and sometimes forget what I was even saying/talking about. This makes my mom angry a lot. Once I was talking to her about something and I stopped in the middle of it and was just staring at what was in my hand. It was like that for a while and my mom was like “well?!” and I yelled at her that I was trying to figure out what I was holding. It was the telephone. I always forget what I’m doing, and most of the time I can’t remember again. I know some forgetfulness is normal, but this happens every day all day long. I also have trouble concentrating. I can’t concentrate on anything, even things I care about like anime. Other things contribute to this, like being exhausted. Another thing is processing time. It takes me so long to figure things out. I notice this most when I’m trying to cross the street. It’s been hard for me for a while (and it’s only getting worse) to figure out how far cars are away (I also might have trouble judging distance due to my eye problems) and once I figure out how far away it is it’s moved. It takes me longer to notice things. When I walked up to meet my mom some place a few months ago I almost got hit by a car and mauled by two dogs (there’s always dogs trying to leap over fences around here) because I just didn’t realize they were there until they were just feet (car) and inches (dog) away. Luckily the person driving the car was faster than I am at processing information (though it doesn’t help that they were probably speeding) because that’s the closest I’ve ever come to being hit. There could be other things, but can’t remember. Speech: This, like the last one and the next one, is a big problem and like those is one of the reasons I don’t go out by myself (except occasionally up the hill and around the corner to my aunts). I have a lot of trouble talking. It’s bad enough that I’m a shy person, but I have trouble putting words together. You can even tell it by my writing that it’s pretty messy and not put together right. I used to be a really good writer and enjoyed it but now it’s so difficult. I’m still a better writer than I am at talking, my speech is even worse. I can’t think of the right words or put them in the way I want them to. With forgetting things and everything, it’s just too much. I also talk too quietly sometimes, another thing my mom complains about. Balance/coordination: My balance and coordination are very bad. I walk into walls. I suddenly start falling down for no reason. Every time I take a shower I almost fall down (I end up hitting the wall) because I just can’t balance even just standing. I’m all over the place when I walk. Last time I went up to Cynthia’s I left the house and started to go up the hill and almost went off the sidewalk and into the street. I can’t walk straight so I swerve all around, that time I found myself in the gutter. Luckily there weren’t any cars around and I noticed what I was doing. Swallowing: I’ve had trouble swallowing since April. It started with a biscuit that got stuck in my throat. It got so bad that for a time I was barely eating at all, only a couple bites of food a day since nothing I would eat would go down right. It did get better, though it varies. Sometimes I don’t have any trouble, sometimes I cough/choke. I’m still not eating a lot now because every time I take a bite of something I have to drink something to make sure it goes down. So I’m getting more liquids than solids. Pop works best but I rarely drink that now, then milk which is my preference. Water is the worst. Dizziness/vertigo: The former is something that happens a lot and has been for a few years. It can get pretty bad. I rarely ever get the latter, but when I do I’m usually laying down and it’s very bad. Other: Trouble walking. As I said earlier in the post sometimes when I’m walking my right leg will suddenly go out. It’s like it doesn’t have any strength in it anymore. Once before I got a sharp pain my lower back and then the same leg went out. And of course on Saturday I was really having trouble walking.

That’s not all of it, I left out a couple things because I don’t want to gross anyone out, and I don’t believe it’s proper to talk about such things. All this is even more hard to place because some of it could be caused by (or at least contributing to it) a head injury I had in the fourth grade. I’m pretty sure that’s what caused me to lose some of my sight, since I was actually blind for maybe 20 seconds or so. I really don’t want MS. When I finally get my mom to take me to a doctor I’ll have to get him to listen to me as well, get tested for diabetes, get my head checked, and get tested for MS. I guess it would kill two birds with one stone with the last ones since the test for MS is an MRI. If they put me in the completely covered one they’ll have to sedate me because I don’t think I could handle that. I really don’t want MS, I hope it’s something else, like a lot of things coming together to cause these problems. Even though MS is “treatable” it looks like most people do end up at least walking with a cane if not paralyzed. If I do have MS I might have to go to the hospital once a week to get an IV. Getting bloodwork done is bad enough, I can’t imagine what an IV is like. I can’t take pills… And it would mean I’ve had it for around 7 years. That would mean everything since then was leading up to this. I don’t know if it’s something you’re born with or if it’s just something that just develops on its own. If it’s something you’re born with and it develops later on that would mean my whole life was leading up to this. Having MS would mean my body is attacking itself. I don’t want this.

Watch Me Mood Swing Around the Room

Now I’m taking a break from joining and revamping fanlistings to watch anime. To help keep my interest I’m alternating between Aria, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Honey and Clover, Jigoku Shoujo F, Kuroshitsuji, Maria-sama ga Miteru, Minami-ke, Pani Poni Dash, and Toradora, though not in that order. I usually try to watch them in the order I last saw them so I don’t watch too many episodes of one show together and put the shows I like better which the shows that drag a little for me. I’m really like Maria-sama and Kuroshitsuji, Bleach and Honey are sometimes a drag, and Aria, Cardcaptor, Jigoku Shoujo, Minami-ke, Pani Poni, and Toradora are usually to always a drag. So I can’t watch too many of them at once, or else I get into an anime slump. Right now I’m averaging about 7 episodes a day. I’d like to get further along with my manga reading, but I don’t want to download anything (except for Junjou and Gunslinger Girl) on this computer and have it get messed up since it has to go back.* Downloading would also make watching anime easier since I wouldn’t have to sit for long periods of time, as it bothers my back. Course lying down doesn’t help much either, as it causes other problems.

My mood, which is always unstable, took a major downward turn a few minutes ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, but it just really got to me a few minutes ago. I hadn’t seen my mom in a few days, sometimes without her even calling (nothing new there) until she called yesterday and said she’d stop home sometime after 8 on Monday. She called at 7:30 to say she was taking a bus to Matt-freaks and that she would bring KFC in 40 minutes to an hour. I was beginning to think she had changed her mind without letting me know again, when at a little after 9 she finally got here. Even though I’m used to it and often expect it it still pisses me off. But that’s not what really got to me. It’s that before she left she said she opens tomorrow, which means she gets off at around 3:30, and wants to go to the doctor after she gets off work. If she can’t get there then she’ll come straight home. What’s so bad about that? She’s going to the freaking doctor! How come every time she wants to go she can find a way to get herself there but she can’t possibly get me to one for over a month when my symptoms first appear, and then almost 5 months after they don’t go away?! Even if you take the whole “numbness every day for over four months” out of it, there are still things majorly wrong with me and eventually the little daily accidents I have are going to seriously hurt me. I don’t care whether she’s talking about the clinic or the place downtown (different doctor) her problems are always more important than mine. Cynthia at least advocates taking me to see someone, but it’s like she just suggests it to placate me. She says “at least you won’t worry then.” That’s exactly what my mom said when she was trying to get me to take the prozac. Even though I refused on the grounds that most of my depression right now is situational (huh, I wonder why) she said it would stop me from worrying. I think I should be worrying, especially since no one else will. And then Cynthia goes on to say “get your blood tested for sugar, and then you’ll know, but I don’t think you have diabetes.” (And of course I get all those “have you decided what to do with your life yet, you have to decide” speeches.) Now I love my aunt Cynthia, but I am so sick of hearing people give their opinions on what I do and do not have. She doesn’t think I have diabetes, MS, and probably doesn’t think I have brain damage either. She thinks it’s nerve damange. My mother also does not think I have diabetes, MS, or brain damage, and is convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also sick of people implying that I said that I do have or that I think I have diabetes or MS. I’ve never said that to either of them, I’ve only said based on my symptoms they’re two possibilities. My mom likes to twist my words so she can add them to her ‘hypochondriac’ arsenal. #$%#$ My toes are getting numb as I speak. For the past few days hasn’t been bothering me. Instead the numbness in my hands has been happening every day instead, right now I don’t have complete feeling in my fingers, the left hand being worse.

My mom is going to want to stay here again soon which means I’ll be on the couch again since I’ve taken over her bed. The couch makes things even worse as I can’t put my arms even next to me. I can’t go back to my room since there’s no sheets in there (plus I want it vacuumed) or anything because they need washed after the ants started coming in early spring. They were all in my room and the kitchen. So I got to go around cleaning up which always seems to fall on me even though it hurts me. I left my room for the couch even before that though because the mattress was bothering my back. My mom says she doesn’t care because she needs her room back, and my mattress is newer anyway. Ha! Yes, my mattress is newer, but cheaper. She got her mattress when we were still in Arizona, and she was buying all nice new furniture for her room. I got to keep my mattress and I got ones with cardboard backing (albeit thick cardboard backing). Then when we left Arizona we left my mattress behind but took her expensive mattress. She just said she’d get me a new mattress when we got to Pittsburgh. I didn’t get a new mattress until around 2 years later, until then I slept on other peoples loan mattresses. And when I got my mattress it was the cheapest one they had and the only back support it has are the springs that poke you. Thanks a lot.

* Mom, ever the procrastinator, still hasn’t done anything to get me further along to help me get a new computer. I have to keep my $200, which was some of my birthday money and some I had leftover for Christmas, to go towards it so I can’t go back to Moonstone to get that cool Chinese like box I saw, or pay off some of my domains to last me to December. That means I’m completely scrambling to try to pay for them and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Even more stress and worries. I really got a scare last week or so when I tried to backup my site. Last time I did a full backup there were viruses in there from the default email address which catches a lot of spam. So this time I thought if I just did a home directory backup it wouldn’t include the email. Well, it did and I had to wait 10 hours or so while my anti-virus went off and caught 2000 of the little buggers. I deleted the file as soon as it caught anything, but had to wait until the next day to make sure everything was gone, since it took so long for it to go through everything.

Out of Hospital

My mom is getting out of the hospital today. The doctor finally came in to see her after 10 yesterday and said her arm was looking better. She begged him to let her out so they are. She’s been in there since Sunday night taking pills every few hours and getting antihistamine and steroids and tons of other things getting pumped into her since they didn’t know what it was. She was quite famous in the hospital because they’d never seen bug bites like hers before. She said she didn’t want to wait for Matt to pick her up, so she might be coming home in a few hours in some courtesy van they have. Yesterday I went out with my aunt Cyndy, but I’ll write about that later since it’ll be password protected.

My mom just go home, with her arm really bandaged up. She has to get a ton of prescriptions filled (7 I think). Apparently they did figure out what it was, but she didn’t understand him, and doesn’t remember.

I also just bought my first nu domain! I’ve wanted one for years, and I decided that while it would be close, I could probably afford to get one now. I was going to have to wait a couple more weeks, but I found a coupon to get $12 off. I’ve been praying no one would snap it up before I got to it, since it was already taken in every other extension: clovis.nu. I got schneizel.org last month.

Day Two

Sort of, less than one and a half. My mom is still in the hospital. She doesn’t know whether they’re going to let her out on Tuesday or what because no one’s told her anything yet. When I spoke to her an hour ago or so she said they had cut the skin off her arm and drained all the crap out, and that she’s tired from fighting the infection. They still got the IV in her, filled with antibiotics I guess. I’m not angry with her anymore. Even though she still should have gone right away, it’s not like she wanted her arms cut open. I didn’t talk to her long because she said she had a visitor, it sounded like Matt but it could have been a doctor or something. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her later or not. She said she’d call but she doesn’t follow through normally so I don’t see why she would when she’s in the hospital.

Edit: She’s definitely not getting out tonight, and who knows if she will tomorrow even since they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. Cynthia just called and said they took a lot of blood again to see if there’s anything in there. Doctors don’t know anything, no surprise there.

A Birthday Post

My mother was home one night between then and now, and I saw her a couple times but mostly she wasn’t here and didn’t call. She also didn’t phone on the 24th but finally did on the 25th. On the day that she was home I finished the first season of The Tudors, and watched Transformers, and she was here I got to send the Netflix back sooner so my next ones will be here on Monday. Whenever I feel like I’ll do a review of both. Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 19 now. She waited until 11:07 to call me since that’s when I was born, and said she was just getting ready to get my cake and would be home at around 12. She actually did show up when she said she would, a few minutes after I’d gotten of the phone with Cynthia. I still didn’t get the cake I wanted. I was there when my mom phoned in the order for the cake so I know she said white and pink, but instead of white it’s a sort of ivory color. My mom thought it looked nice, but it’s not her cake. After she got home my mom called Cynthia to ask if she wanted to come out to eat with us, even though I told her Cynthia had said she wasn’t feeling well. Cynthia told her about Amberly’s (Amberlee?) birthday party which they were having on the 25th since her birthday was on Sunday. My mom thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn’t have to pay to take me out. That made me furious. Like I told her I’m not going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday. And then she said that they’d be paying attention to me since it was my birthday as well and they hadn’t seen me in a while, which is bull. They’re only extended family, cousins and stuff, and I barely know any of them. Some I’ve only seen a few times before. I refused to go, so she took me to Eat ‘n Park. Despite that crap before hand, we did have a good time out. After she took me to a store on the corner called Moonstones. It’s a Wiccan/New Age sort of store, and I’ve seen it for years but never had a chance to go in since I was always with my great aunt and she’s very Christian. A few months ago they moved to a bigger location, so there two rooms and an upstairs full of cool stuff. I saw a lot of things I liked and my mom bought me this round box with a witchy cat on the top, and a beautiful picture frame with a dragonfly at the top and fake jewels all around the edges. I don’t have a camera (I did have a rinky dink digital one but had to throw it away because the batteries were dissolving inside it) so I can’t take any pictures, but if I ever get one I will because I love them. They’re the best gifts I’ve gotten from her in years. I’m going back there to get another Chinese looking box, maybe a dragon box, maybe a pretty green Indian looking scarf (it sort of looked like the colorful things they put over their heads), and maybe a shirt and skirt, depending on how much all of it would cost, and if I could even fit into the last two. After Moonstones we stopped at the used bookstore. She wanted to get Angels and Demons since she just finished the first book, and she got me Rosemary’s Baby and Queen of the Damned. I saw the Rosemary’s Baby movie and didn’t like it too much, but maybe the book was better. Queen of the Damned was a bad movie, and I hate Anne Rice, but I liked one of the characters so I’ve been thinking about reading it. They still didn’t have Stephen King’s Rose Red though, I really want to read that book.

My mom took off tomorrow so we can go see the Harry Potter movie and go out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I’m hoping we can stop at Moonstones again after that. Cheesecake Factory is the only restaurant we have left. We can’t go to the Huddle anymore because the past few times we went they kept screwing up our orders so I’m not going to put up with it anymore. We can’t go to Jamie’s anymore either, which pisses me off so much. Jamie doesn’t even own it anymore, Phil does. Phil is our stupid old landlord. We lost our house to him and now we’ve lost our restaurant. Phil bought into Jamie’s and as soon as he started the place started going downhill. He hired new staff (very rude and arrogant), changed the recipes (ruining my spots), and he even changed the name from Jamie’s to “Cafe J,” so pretentious. Jamie owed him money so Phil took it over. I think the reason Jamie owed him money was because Phil kept making all these changes on his own, and expected Jamie to pay for it as well. When Jamie couldn’t he just took the place over. That’s my theory anyway. We hate Phil, and we hate what he’s doing to the place, so we can’t go there anymore.

Great. My index finger, the one that was originally bothering me, and some more on that hand are feeling a little tingly. I’m never going to get to a doctor. Now my mom is talking about switching doctors, and by the time she does it, and they update my card it’ll be months from now. And I don’t want a new doctor, I want the one I’ve been going to. This is serious but my mom still won’t take it that way. And right now she’s more worried about herself, because her arm is swelling again from the bug bites she’s gotten recently. She’s worried she’ll lose her arm if it gets any worse. Huh, I’m worried about losing limbs, or getting blood clots, or being paralyzed, but it’s nothing, I’m being a hypochondriac. But when it’s her it’s serious.

Yesterday I told her how my only hope for getting a computer is Cyndy, and she agreed, and that she was going to ask her for help. She said again how Cyndy used to have a college fund for me, which I remember Cyndy telling me when I was little. But I don’t know how much is in there, or if it even still exists. She said if Cyndy did still have it I could take a class that I wanted to, like Japanese, or take off for a while. Even she doesn’t know what I should do. We’ll see if she changes her tune. I need to get medical help first, because I already know there are things I am not physically and mentally capable of doing, but there might be more things and I need actual proof.

Yesterday my depression alleviated itself for a while, but now it’s back again in full swing. At least I have something to look forward to.

Edit: Something to look forward to? HA! My mom just called from the hospital because her bug bite got worse, and they’re putting her on an IV, giving her antibiotics, and keeping her overnight. So nothing tomorrow, which means who knows when I’ll get to go out. She told me not to be worried, but why would I? If she was going to die from a bug bite she would be dead by now. She’s probably fine but made things worse by not doing anything about it. This would never have happened if she’d seen a doctor after it happened. No, she waits until she has to go to the hospital, a place where she’d never take me by the way. And yes, I’m thinking about myself. I tried to call Cynthia to complain to her but she didn’t answer so she must be asleep.