Still Here

No icon this time. I don’t feel like looking one up. My mom is taking her good old time. First she was supposed to get the flash drives Sunday and bring them day of. Then she said on Sunday that she was going to get them and would call after she did and bring them on Monday. She didn’t call again and didn’t call on Monday either. She finally called after 6 on Tuesday and said her work only had 2 GB and 4 GB flash drives, no 8, so she couldn’t get them. She said she was going to the store in a little bit to get the turkey she saved up points for (yeah, thanks for reminding me about stupid Thanksgiving) and would see if they had them there. Because everybody knows supermarkets have the United State’s leading entertainment and technology sections. Once again she said she’d call after, and never did.

I’m down three more pounds and 17 more to go. I barely eat anything since it’s so difficult and now I’m watching out for sugar. Yesterday I choked on my Cheerios and a dinner roll got stuck in my throat, so I didn’t eat anymore after that. My toes looked really bad yesterday, the worst they’ve looked so far, my knees aren’t improving, and my hands have started tingling again. My mom was supposed to call the doctor on Monday since it’s been over two weeks and they haven’t called here.

I’ve barely been sleeping. With my health, life situations, and now all this my stress has gone through the roof, I really cannot handle any more. I found out that the DVD player doesn’t work at all without the remote. It does go to the menu, but you can’t play if from there because you can’t select play. I then thought to hook up my portable DVD player to the TV, and even though it doesn’t play subtitles I thought it might through the TV. The first DVD I tried worked so I went and reordered my Netflix list again to put up all the anime I’d been watching. I was happy that at least I could continue to watch anime, and on the TV instead of the much smaller computer screen. When I went and tried to watch a different DVD it wouldn’t work, it kept playing the dub. So I had to go remove almost 30 volumes of anime from my list, and one of the DVDs has to be sent back without me even watching it. That really hurt.

Edit: And the stress keeps piling on, thanks to my mom. She called at around 5 today to say she was going to Best Buy and then to Shop n’ Save (which she was supposed to do yesterday). She didn’t get here until 7:10, and then said she was going to Best Buy tomorrow. So she must have taken her good old time getting to the store because by then all the good food was gone and all that was left was their crappy fried chicken. I guess it’s good that by that time I was sobbing so much I could barely taste it. She left a message with the school today saying that we got the shipping labels and was trying to get flash drives, and that’s why it was taking so long. All I could say was “Please tell me you didn’t actually say that.” She said yes, because she had to have an excuse. WTF. You aren’t supposed to use the computer for personal reasons, they don’t care if you have to get flash drives for stuff you’re not supposed to have on there in the first place. But she couldn’t get it through her thick skull that that was not an excuse, just a reason to piss them off even more. I don’t know why people don’t get it. My aunt says “well it’s not like vulgar things on there” (uh, define vulgar…) and my mom says “well it’s not like you were planning a bank heist on there” and they just don’t get that it doesn’t matter. You are not supposed to have anything on there. Then she said “What are they going to do, arrest me.” ???!!! Yes, remember that “we’ll put a warrant out for your arrest.” Ohhh, but flash drives are an excuse. So many people lack common sense. Then when I went into the kitchen to get my disgusting food I found someone (don’t know if it was her or the freak) threw food from the freezer into the garbage, and I got to put the garbage food back into the freezer. You can’t put things that rot into the garbage when there’s fruit flies. That just creates more breeding grounds for them, and since I’m the one that’s always here I’m the one that has to deal with it. The reason things got moved from the freezer was to put the turkey she got in there, which did nothing to improve my mood. She’s not going to make a turkey here, she’s not even going to be here. I’m going to be all alone for the holidays like always, so why do I have to see the freaking turkey! Keep it over there where it belongs. So that’s why by then I was crying again.

The Incredible Adventures of Megan

Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.

Speed Test

There was a post on AOST about it, so I looked up my internet’s speed stats on Speedtest.net. What idiots rated Comcast 3.4/5? I gave them one star. I checked in lower in both state and nation ISP tests. My internet speed varies a lot. Somtimes when I download a large MKV file my internet cuts out and usually doesn’t start working again until I restart the computer. I don’t know if it’s a problem with Comcast, Firefox, or the computer, because then I get an error when I try to open task manager.

I expected Japan to be number one but I was wrong. Korea is beating Japan right now with download speeds 22.08/16.20, and Lithuania (huh?) is beating Japan in upload speeds with 9.04/7.27. The United States is ranked 29 and 31.

Insert Heavy Sigh Here

Thought I’d put something up before I went to bed. It’s almost 7 AM, but I’ve cycled back into sleeping during the day again. It’s easier that way anyway. I’m not in a good mood. My depression has been in full swing for days. Usually it lets up for at least a few hours, but right now it’s been non-stop. I didn’t even get to go out at all this week. My mom said we’d go to Eat ‘n Park on Wednesday, then on Tuesday she said we’d go on Thursday, and of course we didn’t.

Today is my aunt Cyndy’s 50th birthday, though she refuses to admit it and keeps saying she’s something like 47. We were supposed to go write 50 on her cars windshield with a glass marker. It was my idea, and we’ve been talking about it for months. In late June my mom found out she’d have to work this day, but still said we’d find a way around it, by going there late on the day before, or the day of after she got off work. Now my plan is ruined, and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I never get to do anything fun like that, I’m at home everyday all the time.

My moms also been asking me what I want to do for my birthday (and like we’d actually end up doing it anyway). I don’t care, I hate my birthday. I’m 18 and already falling apart, I don’t want to get any older.

I’ve been thinking about starting a fansite again. I get the feeling from time to time, but it usually goes away. I used to love running fansites, it was my life and something I was actually good at. I’m not as good at blogging, or running a personal site. But other people, hackers, flamers, bitchy, I’d say practically evil competition ruined it for me. It made me miserable, and it was torture getting online everyday for something like that. It just wasn’t worth it. But still, I get the urge from time to time. It didn’t help that last night I decided to check out HPANA, which made me look to TLC, and eventually Mugglenet, and I saw on the latter an interview Natalia Tena did with the LA Times. That hurt. She’s the last one I ran a fansite for, the one that made me decide to give up fansites “forever.” Anything about Natalia Tena or Clemence Poesy still upsets me now. Not as much as it used to, but it still opens old wounds. That definitely didn’t help improve my mood any.