Last Post

So this is supposed to be my last day online. Really this time. My mom finally got the flash drives on Thursday and got them to me on Friday. 50 some dollars for two 8 GB at Best Buy. They’re half that online. So since I had got everything I needed backed up down from 25 to 20 to 19 and then only had 16 GB I had to get zipping and uploading again. So some of my stuff might not be there when I get a computer because it didn’t zip right, or didn’t upload right, or MU decided to delete it. I knew they wouldn’t actually fit 8 GB each, but I still thought it would be enough after I got them both under 8 GB. Nope. The first one fit 7.80 GB and the second on 7.30. So I had to delete some of my precious Code Geass episodes, and over 630 MB of music. While trying to upload everything I kept getting “undefined” and “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable” errors. This is driving me crazy. You can’t upload the same file twice, and it knows even if you rename it because it’s still the same size, so I can’t even upload them again. So I had to keep changing the files so they would have different sizes when I needed to reupload them, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about my music, since they still keep saying “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable,” some on and off, and some have been like that since I uploaded them. Right now two of my Code Geass soundtracks are saying it, and God knows how many other files are saying it as well, since there are so many I can’t check them all, it would take too long to upload them all again, and they’ve probably already been deleted from the computer anyway.

I still have to delete my music and a couple various files, uninstall my last programs (BitTorrent, Filezilla, VLC Media Player, KMPlayer, Firefox). I’m waiting a little while longer to do that since then I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anything for a while. Right now I’m downloading the latest Kobato. episode so I’ll get to watch that before everything has to go. I’d like to get in some Kuroshitsuji chapters too. I was happy to find out that the second anime is actually supposed to start in January, and not spring like I had originally thought, so not much longer to wait. Since I now love adoptables sites I joined Squiby (Valenth too when I get back), originally because I’m getting sick of all the sucky art changes at the Pokemon adoptable site Virtuadopts. That artist and the sites admin both are idiots, and I hate them. But I ended up getting tons of other things too. A few Bleach, a Naruto one, a Lelouch, two Alucards, two L’s, Ayanami, Kero-chan, Sadako from Ringu (who’s already peeking out of her well), other Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Grell from Kuroshitsuji. I wish someone would make a Sebastian one too, and lot’s of other anime and manga ones.

My mom was once again supposed to call the doctor yesterday but didn’t. I finally broke down and told her to get chocolate since it’s been 3 weeks since I had any (and two weeks since my old blood test results were supposed to get there) and I’m still way over the daily sugar limit. But since it’s cold I’ve been wearing socks most of the time and haven’t seen my feet, and when I’ve had them off I’ve mostly just glanced at them because I don’t want to know. But I did see them yesterday after I talked to my mom and then I regretted telling her to get chocolate since they don’t look good. The red and purple is getting darker and spreading, and the spot on one toe that was really itchy (my toes/feet are always itchy) looked horrible. I almost called my mom back it looked so bad. It has various shades of dark purple spots mixed in dark purple coloring. If she comes today like she’s supposed to I’m going to make her take a look at them since she’s never seen it.

Still Here

No icon this time. I don’t feel like looking one up. My mom is taking her good old time. First she was supposed to get the flash drives Sunday and bring them day of. Then she said on Sunday that she was going to get them and would call after she did and bring them on Monday. She didn’t call again and didn’t call on Monday either. She finally called after 6 on Tuesday and said her work only had 2 GB and 4 GB flash drives, no 8, so she couldn’t get them. She said she was going to the store in a little bit to get the turkey she saved up points for (yeah, thanks for reminding me about stupid Thanksgiving) and would see if they had them there. Because everybody knows supermarkets have the United State’s leading entertainment and technology sections. Once again she said she’d call after, and never did.

I’m down three more pounds and 17 more to go. I barely eat anything since it’s so difficult and now I’m watching out for sugar. Yesterday I choked on my Cheerios and a dinner roll got stuck in my throat, so I didn’t eat anymore after that. My toes looked really bad yesterday, the worst they’ve looked so far, my knees aren’t improving, and my hands have started tingling again. My mom was supposed to call the doctor on Monday since it’s been over two weeks and they haven’t called here.

I’ve barely been sleeping. With my health, life situations, and now all this my stress has gone through the roof, I really cannot handle any more. I found out that the DVD player doesn’t work at all without the remote. It does go to the menu, but you can’t play if from there because you can’t select play. I then thought to hook up my portable DVD player to the TV, and even though it doesn’t play subtitles I thought it might through the TV. The first DVD I tried worked so I went and reordered my Netflix list again to put up all the anime I’d been watching. I was happy that at least I could continue to watch anime, and on the TV instead of the much smaller computer screen. When I went and tried to watch a different DVD it wouldn’t work, it kept playing the dub. So I had to go remove almost 30 volumes of anime from my list, and one of the DVDs has to be sent back without me even watching it. That really hurt.

Edit: And the stress keeps piling on, thanks to my mom. She called at around 5 today to say she was going to Best Buy and then to Shop n’ Save (which she was supposed to do yesterday). She didn’t get here until 7:10, and then said she was going to Best Buy tomorrow. So she must have taken her good old time getting to the store because by then all the good food was gone and all that was left was their crappy fried chicken. I guess it’s good that by that time I was sobbing so much I could barely taste it. She left a message with the school today saying that we got the shipping labels and was trying to get flash drives, and that’s why it was taking so long. All I could say was “Please tell me you didn’t actually say that.” She said yes, because she had to have an excuse. WTF. You aren’t supposed to use the computer for personal reasons, they don’t care if you have to get flash drives for stuff you’re not supposed to have on there in the first place. But she couldn’t get it through her thick skull that that was not an excuse, just a reason to piss them off even more. I don’t know why people don’t get it. My aunt says “well it’s not like vulgar things on there” (uh, define vulgar…) and my mom says “well it’s not like you were planning a bank heist on there” and they just don’t get that it doesn’t matter. You are not supposed to have anything on there. Then she said “What are they going to do, arrest me.” ???!!! Yes, remember that “we’ll put a warrant out for your arrest.” Ohhh, but flash drives are an excuse. So many people lack common sense. Then when I went into the kitchen to get my disgusting food I found someone (don’t know if it was her or the freak) threw food from the freezer into the garbage, and I got to put the garbage food back into the freezer. You can’t put things that rot into the garbage when there’s fruit flies. That just creates more breeding grounds for them, and since I’m the one that’s always here I’m the one that has to deal with it. The reason things got moved from the freezer was to put the turkey she got in there, which did nothing to improve my mood. She’s not going to make a turkey here, she’s not even going to be here. I’m going to be all alone for the holidays like always, so why do I have to see the freaking turkey! Keep it over there where it belongs. So that’s why by then I was crying again.

The Incredible Adventures of Megan

Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.

Blank

I don’t feel well right now, physically or mentally. Because I’ve been so depressed (more than “usual” depression) I’ve made myself not feel well from eating too much chocolate (I thought the icon was appropriate), since that makes me feel better emotionally for a little bit. There hasn’t been much chocolate in the house for a while, but I remember we had some semi-sweet chocolate chips that my mom got to make chocolate chip pancakes but never did. Except in pancakes I don’t like semi-sweet chips, but I was desperate and ate some a couple days ago. I discovered they’re much better when melted a little bit in the microwave, and I’ve gone through 1 1/2 bags of them so far. I haven’t had any more bad pains, numbness, or anything else out of the ordinary since the last time I posted but still… All this grates on my nerves. I’m naturally an emotion person, but this really gets to me. When it’s bad like this I burst in to tears or flip out over anything, and this isn’t even the worst I’ve been. Then little things upset and worry me more. Like seeing the veins in my thighs, legs, and lower back. They look awful and stand out so much. Or all the random bruises all over my body. And something I discovered a few minutes ago. I have dried blood on my lower back, a little above where the legs starts. I tried rubbing it with a wet napkin but it wouldn’t come off. I haven’t noticed anything near there, and I don’t know of anything that could cause it. It doesn’t look like a bug bite, it’s too big, and the only things that touch my back is the chair I sit in at the computer, the couch, and the bed when I lay down. Even bumping into walls couldn’t cause it because I haven’t hit anything sharp on that side. Yesterday I talked to my mom, who said she’d finally take me to the doctor in a week or two. That’s because I’d just gotten off the phone with Cynthia after breaking down when arguing with her because I was having trouble talking again. My mom said she didn’t know what that could be, and I said I had an idea. She asked what it was but I broke down again and refused to say because she’d just ridicule me and call me a hypochondriac. She said she’d never do that, but she’s done it before, ever since all this started. She said that was just because I keep saying different things. I’m so sorry my symptoms are so sporadic. My mom also said that she’s sick. I hope it isn’t swine flu, someone her age recently died from that. My mom heard the woman probably had something wrong with her immune system, and she wondered if she herself did, since she has trouble with bug bites. I didn’t think about it until later because my mind is so slow, but MS is a type of immune deficiency. If I have MS, and if my mom had swine flu and gave it to me, she’d have a better chance of surviving than I would. It would be better that way anyway. I’ve been suicidal for years, but more so now. Sometimes I think it would be better to die than to suffer like this, or die slowly. At least if I got that flu I would die naturally. Then it would be “an act of God.” I thought of it a couple months ago, but if some people take medication to die (which actually doesn’t work very well, I’ve thought a lot about this) I have a whole bottle of prozac. I don’t know if that would kill me though. I heard that helium is a popular method of suicide at the moment, I found out about that on ANN. Apparently if you get it straight from the container it’s a gentle death because you just go to sleep. I don’t think I ever be able to get my hands on one of those unfortunately, but that would be a nice way to die. It’s a step up for the cleaning liquids method (you mix certain cleaning products together and they create a very powerful noxious gas) because that one kills you and everyone else around too. I don’t want to hurt my cat, or random people (though mostly my cat).

Maybe I’ll write about why I was arguing with my aunt in the first place tomorrow. I also have to write about the G-20 which is going to be starting here soon. It’s causing a ton of trouble. But that’s all I feel like talking about right now. I can’t sit anymore, I have to get moving. There isn’t much exercise I can do because everything is so tough on my body, but I have to do what I can.

That’s Entertainment

Eh, I hate titles. Something weird happened today. My mom called in the afternoon to say that she’d see me tomorrow after work. She has off today but said she needed a day away from people and maybe we’d go out on Thursday. That’s not the weird part. She then asked me to check the mail to see if there’s anything in there from school about graduating. So after I got off the phone I thought that I had better check then since I didn’t hear anyone upstairs or outside. I try to avoid people as best as possible since I hate upstairs and I have too much trouble thinking and talking. I looked out and didn’t see anyone or any cars, but as soon as I opened the door someone came around the corner from the driveway. It was a short, dumpy woman with a lot of black, curly hair. Or at least I think it was, since I don’t remember things well. As soon as I saw her she said “Joann.” I thought that meant she was Joann so I just said “Oh… okay.” Then she said “Kayla.” Now I’m going WTF. “Are you Kayla?” she finally asked. That woman really needs to learn how to ask questions right. “No, I’m Megan.” Yes, I gave my name, I can’t help it, that’s why I don’t talk to people. I don’t see the harm in it anyway. “Are you Joann?” No, I’m freaking Megan! Didn’t I just say that? “No, my name is Megan.” “Well, the landlord told me to come to this door and give this (she had some sort of paper in her hand) to them, and that Joann and Kayla live here.” So I just told her, “He must have meant that door then.” There are two doors here, the ground floor one, and the one that goes upstairs. It’s possible, some people are too stupid to figure out that the first floor is the one on the bottom with the windows nearest to the ground. Yes, people are that stupid. “Well, okay then.” She looked and sounded like she didn’t believe me, which pissed me off. I was thinking Don’t take the tone with me you stupid little troll doll. But I just closed the door on her. Then I heard her knocking on the door for upstairs and ringing their doorbell, but there was no one home (which is why it was so blissfully quiet). I don’t know where she went after that. I immediately called my mom and told her what happened. After, when I had time to process things I started thinking. Why would the landlord send someone else, or send anyone at all instead of putting it in the mailbox. Was it like an eviction notice or something? Why would he not know our names, especially since this is the second time we’ve rented from him, and it’s not like he owns a whole complex. If she wasn’t from the landlord what was the point at all? I don’t see what she could gain from it. I don’t answer the door, ever, so if she comes back too bad for her.

I’m watching so much anime now, more than ever. 23 on my watching list, and 43 on hold. Thank God for MAL or I’d never be able to keep track of what I’m watching and reading. I couple weeks ago I got through about 50 episodes of Bleach to make it to episode 63, and finish the first arc. I really started to enjoy it, but I’m taking a break for now since it looks like it went back to filler. I still love Honey and Clover, Toradora has gotten really good, and I’m even liking Cardcaptor now, which I thought was boring at first. I also started 07-Ghost, Baccano, Beck, Fate/stay Night, Gankutsuou, Kyouran Kazoku Nikki, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Prince of Tennis, Romeo x Juliet, Saki, Shangri-la, Shingetsutan Tsukihime, Tokyo Magnitude, Trigun, and Tytania. I moved Tsukihime and Tytania to my hold list. Tsukihime’s first episode both bored and annoyed the crap out of me, and Tytania is freaking hilarious (I don’t think it’s supposed to be), but pretty bad. 07-Ghost is… okay. I think that cute bad guy looks like Schneizel a little bit. I wish Mikage would throw himself off a cliff and take Teito with him because they both get on my nerves. Baccano I’ve only seen the first episode of, but if Emperor Wakamoto says CARORU one more time… As for Beck, I really wish they’d just stick to Japanese and not try to speak English, and Ryusuke is just so unemotional. The characters are really hard to connect to. Fate/stay night got better after the first ep, and Saber is really pretty. I like her hair. Gankutsuou is an adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo, if the count was like a space vampire/demon. Dude is twisted. That’s another one where I can’t really like any of the characters, even though I do feel sorry for the kid, he’s annoying, and I hate the Count even if he makes me laugh. Kyouran Kazoku Nikki is hilarious but I haven’t liked the past couple episodes as much, and I don’t think Chika should have been added to the family. I’m not a big mecha fan so I don’t know how much I’ll get into Evangelion, but I’ve only seen the first episode, and you can’t judge a series on that. But still, the only monster that should be attacking Tokyo is G o j i r a. Prince of Tennis is surprisingly fun and interesting considering it’s about tennis. But if they ever make one about golf, I don’t care if it’s anime or not I’m not watching. Romeo x Juliet is nothing like the actual story. I hear anyway, not a Romeo and Juliet fan. I think they’re two stupid little kids who were infatuated with each other, not in love, and died over it. Stupid brats. I also think they’re putting in names from other Shakespeare stories but I haven’t read a lot of his plays so I can’t be sure. Romeo x Juliet is a little interesting, though it has its moments of annoyance because a lot of the characters are naive or just plain stupid, and they’re constantly doing stupid things. I didn’t like episode 11 too, in fact I hated it. I was just them wandering around being all lovey dovey. It was sickening, and boring. RxJ have already killed off one character I liked, and more might die or be dead already. Don’t leave me alone with those brats! Mahjong is so boring! Even if Fukuyama Jun is in Saki I don’t know if I can keep watching it. Shangri-la has its moments. It’s definitely got more interesting since the first couple episodes. Right now I think they really know how to work their audience. Bore the crap out of them, but intrigue them just enough that they stick around for more. Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 is pretty good, but I’m careful to balance it out with a lighter anime like Cardcaptor Sakura. This first episode of Trigun was funny, but it’s so distracting watching anime from before around 2000, since the animation before that was so low quality.

I’m staying away from manga as much as I can right now (which sucks because it’s so fast to read) since I don’t want to download much on this computer since it has to go back to my school. I don’t want to have it get a virus. But two series I have to stick with are Gunslinger Girl and Junjou Romantica. It’s always been hard to get scanlations for then, even though JJR is so popular. The scanlators for GG are still behind with 64/66 but by the time they get the next chapter out there’ll be more. JJR is even worse. It goes for months at a time without scanlations. Some people on the LJ community for it started translating some chapters, but since there are several different stories with different pairings in each they only do the ones they like, and the chapters are categorized by act not what chapter number it is. So I have no idea where I am in any of them. I think the last one for my favorite, Romantica, was Act 17, but I can’t be sure. Someone put a translation out for 22 and I read part of it before I realized I was nowhere near that one yet, which was why I had no idea what was going on.

I don’t know if I’m going to watch Gossip Girl tonight. I missed the last few episodes of the previous season so I don’t know if there’s any point. Then there’s 90210 and Melrose Place on Tuesday. 90210 started out completely crappy, the writing, the acting, the music, the constant breaks away where there was just music and shots of LA or people dancing, and that lame ass opening theme. If it doesn’t pick up soon I’ll drop it. I liked the first episode of Melrose Place though. I’m with the others who think Riley is a bitch. I knew I didn’t like her the first scene she was in, since she said hated Quentin Tarantino. Then she went on later complaining how her BF played with legos and watched Saturday morning cartoons. Legos and Spongebob rock bitch! I gave Vampire Diaries a try on Thursday. OMG. I hate you Twilight for bringing this on us! And I just hate you. Vampire Diaries was okay but I didn’t find most of the actors or the two vamps particularly good looking, yet all the characters think so. I think they drink too much so they’ve got beer goggles on. The good vampire looks like he went to Angel’s School of Vampire Acting. Unfortunately he’s not Angel, so he should unfurrow that brow and start showing some expression. The bad vampire is even uglier than he is, but a better actor. I’ll give it a few more episodes for I decide whether or not to keep it. Here is my TV list. Those italicized the others are shows I’m coming from previous season, and all the others are new ones I’m checking out. This list feels so empty without Reaper. My poor Reaper!

September 8
90210
Melrose Place

September 10
Vampire Diaries

September 14
Gossip Girl
The Jay Leno Show

September 16
The Beautiful Life

September 17
SNL Weekend Update Thursday

September 23
Modern Family

September 24
Flash Forward

September 30
Hank

November 3
V

Watch Me Mood Swing Around the Room

Now I’m taking a break from joining and revamping fanlistings to watch anime. To help keep my interest I’m alternating between Aria, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Honey and Clover, Jigoku Shoujo F, Kuroshitsuji, Maria-sama ga Miteru, Minami-ke, Pani Poni Dash, and Toradora, though not in that order. I usually try to watch them in the order I last saw them so I don’t watch too many episodes of one show together and put the shows I like better which the shows that drag a little for me. I’m really like Maria-sama and Kuroshitsuji, Bleach and Honey are sometimes a drag, and Aria, Cardcaptor, Jigoku Shoujo, Minami-ke, Pani Poni, and Toradora are usually to always a drag. So I can’t watch too many of them at once, or else I get into an anime slump. Right now I’m averaging about 7 episodes a day. I’d like to get further along with my manga reading, but I don’t want to download anything (except for Junjou and Gunslinger Girl) on this computer and have it get messed up since it has to go back.* Downloading would also make watching anime easier since I wouldn’t have to sit for long periods of time, as it bothers my back. Course lying down doesn’t help much either, as it causes other problems.

My mood, which is always unstable, took a major downward turn a few minutes ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, but it just really got to me a few minutes ago. I hadn’t seen my mom in a few days, sometimes without her even calling (nothing new there) until she called yesterday and said she’d stop home sometime after 8 on Monday. She called at 7:30 to say she was taking a bus to Matt-freaks and that she would bring KFC in 40 minutes to an hour. I was beginning to think she had changed her mind without letting me know again, when at a little after 9 she finally got here. Even though I’m used to it and often expect it it still pisses me off. But that’s not what really got to me. It’s that before she left she said she opens tomorrow, which means she gets off at around 3:30, and wants to go to the doctor after she gets off work. If she can’t get there then she’ll come straight home. What’s so bad about that? She’s going to the freaking doctor! How come every time she wants to go she can find a way to get herself there but she can’t possibly get me to one for over a month when my symptoms first appear, and then almost 5 months after they don’t go away?! Even if you take the whole “numbness every day for over four months” out of it, there are still things majorly wrong with me and eventually the little daily accidents I have are going to seriously hurt me. I don’t care whether she’s talking about the clinic or the place downtown (different doctor) her problems are always more important than mine. Cynthia at least advocates taking me to see someone, but it’s like she just suggests it to placate me. She says “at least you won’t worry then.” That’s exactly what my mom said when she was trying to get me to take the prozac. Even though I refused on the grounds that most of my depression right now is situational (huh, I wonder why) she said it would stop me from worrying. I think I should be worrying, especially since no one else will. And then Cynthia goes on to say “get your blood tested for sugar, and then you’ll know, but I don’t think you have diabetes.” (And of course I get all those “have you decided what to do with your life yet, you have to decide” speeches.) Now I love my aunt Cynthia, but I am so sick of hearing people give their opinions on what I do and do not have. She doesn’t think I have diabetes, MS, and probably doesn’t think I have brain damage either. She thinks it’s nerve damange. My mother also does not think I have diabetes, MS, or brain damage, and is convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also sick of people implying that I said that I do have or that I think I have diabetes or MS. I’ve never said that to either of them, I’ve only said based on my symptoms they’re two possibilities. My mom likes to twist my words so she can add them to her ‘hypochondriac’ arsenal. #$%#$ My toes are getting numb as I speak. For the past few days hasn’t been bothering me. Instead the numbness in my hands has been happening every day instead, right now I don’t have complete feeling in my fingers, the left hand being worse.

My mom is going to want to stay here again soon which means I’ll be on the couch again since I’ve taken over her bed. The couch makes things even worse as I can’t put my arms even next to me. I can’t go back to my room since there’s no sheets in there (plus I want it vacuumed) or anything because they need washed after the ants started coming in early spring. They were all in my room and the kitchen. So I got to go around cleaning up which always seems to fall on me even though it hurts me. I left my room for the couch even before that though because the mattress was bothering my back. My mom says she doesn’t care because she needs her room back, and my mattress is newer anyway. Ha! Yes, my mattress is newer, but cheaper. She got her mattress when we were still in Arizona, and she was buying all nice new furniture for her room. I got to keep my mattress and I got ones with cardboard backing (albeit thick cardboard backing). Then when we left Arizona we left my mattress behind but took her expensive mattress. She just said she’d get me a new mattress when we got to Pittsburgh. I didn’t get a new mattress until around 2 years later, until then I slept on other peoples loan mattresses. And when I got my mattress it was the cheapest one they had and the only back support it has are the springs that poke you. Thanks a lot.

* Mom, ever the procrastinator, still hasn’t done anything to get me further along to help me get a new computer. I have to keep my $200, which was some of my birthday money and some I had leftover for Christmas, to go towards it so I can’t go back to Moonstone to get that cool Chinese like box I saw, or pay off some of my domains to last me to December. That means I’m completely scrambling to try to pay for them and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Even more stress and worries. I really got a scare last week or so when I tried to backup my site. Last time I did a full backup there were viruses in there from the default email address which catches a lot of spam. So this time I thought if I just did a home directory backup it wouldn’t include the email. Well, it did and I had to wait 10 hours or so while my anti-virus went off and caught 2000 of the little buggers. I deleted the file as soon as it caught anything, but had to wait until the next day to make sure everything was gone, since it took so long for it to go through everything.

Insert Heavy Sigh Here

Thought I’d put something up before I went to bed. It’s almost 7 AM, but I’ve cycled back into sleeping during the day again. It’s easier that way anyway. I’m not in a good mood. My depression has been in full swing for days. Usually it lets up for at least a few hours, but right now it’s been non-stop. I didn’t even get to go out at all this week. My mom said we’d go to Eat ‘n Park on Wednesday, then on Tuesday she said we’d go on Thursday, and of course we didn’t.

Today is my aunt Cyndy’s 50th birthday, though she refuses to admit it and keeps saying she’s something like 47. We were supposed to go write 50 on her cars windshield with a glass marker. It was my idea, and we’ve been talking about it for months. In late June my mom found out she’d have to work this day, but still said we’d find a way around it, by going there late on the day before, or the day of after she got off work. Now my plan is ruined, and I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I never get to do anything fun like that, I’m at home everyday all the time.

My moms also been asking me what I want to do for my birthday (and like we’d actually end up doing it anyway). I don’t care, I hate my birthday. I’m 18 and already falling apart, I don’t want to get any older.

I’ve been thinking about starting a fansite again. I get the feeling from time to time, but it usually goes away. I used to love running fansites, it was my life and something I was actually good at. I’m not as good at blogging, or running a personal site. But other people, hackers, flamers, bitchy, I’d say practically evil competition ruined it for me. It made me miserable, and it was torture getting online everyday for something like that. It just wasn’t worth it. But still, I get the urge from time to time. It didn’t help that last night I decided to check out HPANA, which made me look to TLC, and eventually Mugglenet, and I saw on the latter an interview Natalia Tena did with the LA Times. That hurt. She’s the last one I ran a fansite for, the one that made me decide to give up fansites “forever.” Anything about Natalia Tena or Clemence Poesy still upsets me now. Not as much as it used to, but it still opens old wounds. That definitely didn’t help improve my mood any.