God Help Me

I’m typing this up offline as there is only a small window of opportunity to use the internet, before Comcast knows I’m online and starts forwarding to their activation page. I was already in a horrible mood. When I lost the internet again yesterday I had a mini-breakdown as things began to pile up on me. Today it was a like bomb. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. As soon as Cynthia woke me up today and told me there was a message on the machine that she thought was from my mom, but it wasn’t from our phone numbers, I knew it was bad. To spare anyone who reads this I’ll put the facts in convenient bullet point form…

  • My mom’s psycho bf “WDisney” was sent to jail for threatening to kill my mom
  • He’s getting out soon
  • My mom is staying at a friends house
  • My mom is being evicted
  • She’s talking about moving to Texas

    Cynthia doesn’t seem to care about all this, she just says she knew it was going to happen. I thought it might happen too, but I had hoped it would end before it would go that far. I’m thinking about bringing the bowling pin (yes I have a bowling pin) up from the basement. It’s a good thing I’m staying up at night right now, because I’m going to have to be on the lookout for him. Unfortunately, he knows who my aunt is and where she lives. We hadn’t wanted him to, but thanks to my “you can trust WDisney” mom, she let him know. My mom said I could go get anything I wanted from the apartment in case he trashed it, but not only do we not know when he’s getting out, I don’t have a key anymore. She took mine and gave it to him. There’s a chance I might lose all my stuff, and my grandmother’s things, the only things I have left of her besides one picture, since her house burned down a few years after she died. And while I didn’t like it, and haven’t lived there in a while, I’m losing my home too. I’m never going to live there again. I may never see my mom again either, because there is no way I’m moving to Texas. Assuming he doesn’t trash anything, I’ll have to move a few of my most important things up here, and the rest will go wherever my mom goes. I’m also going to have to get my birth certificate and other stuff off her, since she’ll no longer be in charge of that. I have been staying here with my great aunt, but I don’t know how much longer that can last, and I have no where else to go. Obviously, this has shaken my already fragile state. Sometimes I curse my sanity, it would be easier to just break and go completely insane. I’m having so much taken away from me again, there’s a threat to both my things and my family, and I can’t even get on the internet to vent and waste time. I guess I’ll be reading the manga, since I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anime (which I’m running out of). And the same the next night and the next night. For who knows how long. I should stop here or I’ll ramble endlessly. I have to go get some more cleenex and something to chew on, I really need to stop biting the inside of my mouth.

    Edit: And if you didn’t see my Twitter in the sidebar, I do not have internet now. Hopefully it’ll come back in a couple weeks.

  • Go Away Winter

    After a few days of pleasant weather, it’s back to snowing again. It’s so freaking cold. We went out to get milk late this afternoon and it was hailing. We should have just stayed home, but we left anyway. Bad idea, it started getting icy just a few minutes later, and Pittsburgh is a city of hills. After we got the milk we couldn’t stop to eat, and we took the street car downtown, then caught the bus back, instead of walking. By that time it was snowing so hard it was practically blizzard conditions. We got back a few hours after leaving, and then the snow decided to calm down. I am so pissed off. I was hoping to get to South Hills Village tomorrow to get my headphones and Visa gift card, but that’s most likely not happening now, and if this weather doesn’t cut it out soon I don’t know when that’ll happen. It’s been at least a month since my headphones broke and this is driving me crazy. The old ones my mom found stopped working a few days after she gave them to me.

    On Friday I went out with mommy dearest to the library to help her get her taxes done, then she took me to see the new CVS, and then to Eat n Park with an old gift card Cynthia gave me. She’s such a freaking liar. She says she’s hardly been drinking or smoking anymore, and that at most her an Walt share a pack a day. Yet when I called her later that day she was drunk. Like she is most times I call. A couple weeks ago she said he is an ex-Marine. And she’s said in the past that Walt couldn’t get on welfare because he isn’t disabled, which was a lie itself, you don’t have to be disabled to get on welfare. I found out that not only is he on welfare, but he also gets food stamps. Basically everything she says is a lie. And anything you say to her goes in one ear and out the other, she doesn’t listen to a word you say. If I say something to her most often she starts talking about something else, and doesn’t even look at me or acknowledge that I spoke.* But anyway, later that night I got an email saying the IRS had rejected her tax return because of some error with her pin number. She said she’d call them again on Monday, but I don’t know if they’re working today. It doesn’t matter anyway, because Cynthia’s phone isn’t working for some reason so she can’t contact me. She could have used the IRS online system, but she refused to go to the library again, instead having me do it on my computer, with her on the phone talking to me. When I’m at the computer trying to do things for her it always ends with her yelling at me because she doesn’t understand something. That’s not my problem, all I can do is read to her what it says. I wasn’t going to go through that again. So I didn’t bother telling her she could do it online.

    On the night of Valentines day, and the early morning on the 15th my heart decided to go one strike. It was protesting long working hours and little pay. First my arms were aching, the kind of ache like if you exercise too much. When I get that it’s awful, it starts in the inside of my arm and goes down into my hands and fingers, and up to my shoulders and into my back. I try to stay as still as possible when it happens, because even the slightest movement can cause excruciating pain. It wasn’t so bad when I first when to sleep, but when I woke up an hour later it was horrible, the worst it’s ever been. And, I had started getting chest pains too. I also get them sometimes (not indigestion), but this continued to get worse and wouldn’t go away. I got so bad I had to go ask Cynthia for aspirin. I can’t swallow pills so I crushed it, and Cynthia gave me some arthritis cream for my arms, and put me downstairs on the couch. My heart was appeased by the sacrifice of aspirin, and went back to work. I slept off an on until dawn when I went back upstairs, and my arms were feeling a little better. Later that day my legs decided they wanted to cause trouble too, but it wasn’t as bad as my arms had been.

    Edit: Cynthia does this too, except instead of just ignoring you she’ll talk over you if she disagrees with something she said. Just start yelling to drown out what you say, like a little kid putting their hands of their ears and going “nah nah nah I can’t hear you.” Most often it happens with me drying my hands. She’s always yelling at me to dry my hands. I can have a napkin in my hands drying them, and she’ll still be yelling at me to dry my hands. So, I think she must have the intelligence of a monkey or a baby. Both think if they don’t see something, it’s not happening, or it’s not there. A couple days ago she walked into the room while I was drying my hands, and she said “oh, you’re drying your hands for once!” I told her I always dry my hands, every single time, but she started yelling over me that I need to start drying them so they don’t crack, and to use lotion as well. Today it’s because the telephone started working again today, and whoever she talked to said it was because of her computer (translation: “we don’t know what the problem is, so we’ll blame it on something most people have.”) She says I had my computer hooked up to the phone line or that was I recharging something (WTF, she knows nothing about computers, recharging what?) She wouldn’t listen to me that my computer not only doesn’t connect to a phone line, it can’t. And why would I? What would the purpose be. But when I said that the computer physically cannot be hooked up to a phone line she just started yelling over me, like she always does, not to use the computer during the day. The laptop wasn’t even on or plugged in when the phone stopped working, and hadn’t been for hours, and I’ve been using it here since June without any problems with the phone, but she can’t explain to me why the laptop would make the phone stop working, just that she knows it does because that’s what someone decided to tell her, and because computers are scary newfangled technology, and she loves to talk about things she knows absolutely nothing about.

    Edit2: Ha, I’ve been vindicated, next door’s phone wasn’t working either. Now Cynthia’s complaining that it smells, because my mom made me Tuna Helper, which Cynthia apparently thinks is “disgusting.” She says she hates noodles, but likes pasta. She won’t accept that they’re the same thing. She also hates Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and thinks it’s disgusting too. So anything she doesn’t like to eat is disgusting. My mom says she’s just disagreeable, which is true.

    Today’s the Day

    Today’s the day. The Super Bowl. The Super Bowl that my team is playing in. I’ve been planning on watching it, I always watch the Super Bowl, and it’s a requirement when the Steelers are playing, but I might not be able to. There’s two TVs here, a newer, digital one upstairs, and an old one downstairs that’s hooked up to a digital converter box. The government, in their infinite wisdom, made everyone switch to digital. It does not work. Those digital converter boxes are shit. The picture quality is still bad, and some stations don’t come in at all. Cynthia says her religious programs don’t come in on the TV downstairs so she’s going to watch them upstairs, sticking me with the crappy TV. And the problem is (other than watching the Super Bowl on an old TV that’s no bigger than 20 inches) I don’t know if Fox does either. This shit should be live streaming online. Edit: I was right! Fox is one of the messed up channels, it doesn’t have any sound! I am so pissed off!

    I spoke to my mother the other day. She’s been having my rent the mini series Shogun for her from Netflix, and she wanted to know if a DVD had come. She told me great aunt Nita sent belated Christmas cards with $50 for each of us, and once again she took my money, and that she’ll “pay me back” but is only getting a $500 tax return back, and she needs that from rent. She said she’s also getting some from the state so she’ll give me my $50 from that. She started to say she thinks she owes me $20 more, and I had to correct her, $40. She now owes me $90. She took Nita’s Easter money, Nita’s birthday money, and now Nita’s Christmas money. $20, $20, $50. And she better stop BSing around, I need that money. My anti-virus expires in a couple months, and I cannot he without anti-virus protection.

    I finished the first season of Skins on Netflix, and am almost done with the second. I don’t know if I’ll continue after that, since the original cast isn’t in it. I still like Jal and Chris, Cassie has fallen on my like list, still hate Michelle, like Tony a lot more now, don’t like Anwar anymore, he’s been replaced by Maxxie. I had started to like Sid a little bit more, but he starts acting like an ass again and by the end of the episode “Effy” I hated him again. Michelle is still a selfish, bitchy slut. After Tony’s comeupance/redemption episode last season he’s been a lot more likable. I hated Anwar in the first season because of the way he treated Maxxie, and don’t like him now because he’s such a weak whore. What he did was just wrong. As for Sketch, I have a complicated relationship with her. She’s such a complete psycho, which is both good and bad. Her episode was so scary and disturbing.

    I still don’t have new headphones. I asked my mom if she had seen any of my old ones, and she found some and checked if they worked. She said they did, but when I got them up here and tried them they had the same problem they all do, only working in one ear. They’ve gotten even worse since then, and now stop working in both ears. Hopefully I’ll get new ones on Friday. I need anime, I need music, and I want to watch more Netflix instant. Roseanne and The Cosby Show are on there now. They need to add The Nanny next, I love that show.

    Since I’ve been headphoneless off and on, I’ve been reading a lot of manga. I got caught up with the Pandora Hearts manga a couple weeks ago, since I really liked the anime, and now I’m very impatiently waiting for the next chapter. Such a good series. I loved the Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge anime, but the manga is really dragging. It seems like nothing ever changes. I’ve also started the Shiki manga, am going to start Monochrome Factor, Mitsudomoe, and some others.

    Let’s Get This Over With

    Obviously I haven’t felt like posting lately. I still don’t, but I’m forcing myself to. Today I finally went to the eye doctor. Ever since last year I’ve been pushing to see the eye doctor at Sears because I remembered that he was nice. I just didn’t remember how nice. The eye doctor there is such a nice guy, and seems like a very good doctor. So if anyone in the Pittsburgh area is looking for an eye doctor, go see the guy at Sears in South Hills Village. It’s tough getting out there now, for those who don’t have a car, Port Authority cut (and continues to cut) many of the bus and street car services. We had to take a bus downtown, then catch a street car because there aren’t any street cars that go all the way to South Hills Village for our area. You either have to go downtown and take the street car, or take the street car here, get off, then take another street car the rest of the way. I didn’t wait very long to see the doctor. My appointment was for 1 PM, but he saw me before then (he didn’t realize that until I got in – I was just there so he saw me). After checking my eyes he said the one of them, I think it was the left, had developed a mild (he said something about 2, level, minus, step?) astigmatism. He also said that my current prescription is too strong, and that this one should be much better, possibly even at little better than 20/20 (I didn’t know there was anything better). Since I had checked the headaches box, he asked about it, and I told him I was supposed to have an MRI done, because I’d been getting headaches for years, but that last year they got a lot worse, sometimes so bad that I couldn’t even stand. He asked why my PCP wasn’t sending me to a neurologist, since that would be better. I remembered that when I first went to him he talked about having me see a neurologist, but last time it was tough even getting the MRI from him. I think I know why, more on that later. Either way, he said, it was good that I was getting the MRI because any time there’s a big change in symptoms like that (like suddenly getting the worst headache you’ve ever experienced) you should get tests done. I also mentioned to the eye doctor that one of the reasons I was having the MRI done was because of the bad (in my opinion) head injury I’d had when I was younger, that left me temporarily blind. Since I got hit in the back of the head the eye doctor said it was a very good chance that it caused trouble, and thank goodness I got my vision back. After that we went to the Eat n Park out there, and managed to get a street car going all the way back here.

    We also briefly discussed mommy dearest. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, and she hasn’t called in about a week. Last time she called Cynthia talked to her. The first time she was going to the store and wanted to know if I wanted anything. Cynthia told her milk and potato buds. We didn’t hear from her again until a couple days later when she called to ask when I was coming to get the stuff. Since she had gotten a ride to the store Cynthia asked why she didn’t drop the things off here, and that if it stays down there too long it’ll expire. My mom said that she couldn’t have people drive her all over town. Now, maybe that excuse would work if Cynthia lived across town, but we are literally right up the street, on the same street. A couple days later my mom called from the doctors to say that the nurse took her blood pressure, and that the new blood pressure medication she was taken made her blood pressure too low and that she was so dizzy. She also said that poor white trash bastard has a lump on his back, and that one of his arms gets numb (oh, how horrible). So she called for a Pam pity party. I don’t know what made her think she would get any sympathy from Cynthia, for either of them. Cynthia said he blood pressure sounded great, and that she would be happy to have bp as low as that. And as for the white trash bastard, both my hands were number for over a month, and she didn’t give a shit, but he gets some numbness? The poor, poor man. Then Cynthia started asking her about him again and suddenly my mom had to get off the phone because the doctor would be coming. She called again later, and when Cynthia asked what the doctor said about the blood pressure she didn’t say anything, probably because there was nothing wrong. Cynthia asked her again about the white trash bastard, and they got into a big argument. My mom started talking trash about me. I don’t know everything she said, but some of the things she said was that I never do anything but lay around, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I should get over it (the things she did to me). Cynthia mentioned that the my doctor said he wouldn’t sign any more disability papers until I had seen a psychologist, and my mom suddenly became very interested in taking me to get “help”, because she wants the money. After they were done Cynthia was swearing about her, and she rarely ever swears. At the most she occasionally says shit, usually just sugar, but this time she actually called her an asshole twice. Mommy dearest has a habit of projecting. Whatever she sees in herself she decides is other peoples problems. Everyone else does nothing, everyone else is a liar, everyone else is a hypochondriac. Meanwhile, all she has ever done when she had off was lay on the couch watching TV, literally not moving, she lies about every single thing, and is always saying something or other is wrong with her. This summer it was cancer. Even though she hadn’t seen a doctor she decided she had cancer, or “something just as bad” (in her words). It’s November now, and it seems she’s given up on trying to get attention that way. She’s been to the doctor quite a lot lately. A couple months ago her work made her go get x-rays because she was having back pain, and I know she’s been to the PCP at least twice in the last month, because she got new blood pressure medication from him, then went again to complain about dizziness. This is the reason I think the doctor has changed his tune in regards to me, my mother has gotten to him, and he won’t listen to me now. I had to prod him for the MRI paper that he had originally given me freely because of the problems I’d been having. But then my mom took the papers for my MRI, CT Scan, and blood test, lost them, and refused to get more. Then when I finally got there again (she took me so she could get him to sign the disability papers so she could get the money for it) she followed him in when he came to see me, and when I tried to take the papers talked down to me. So I know she’s been saying crap about me to him. All he and that nurse (who seems like a real bitch to begin with) care about now is trying to get me to a psychiatrist, and won’t listen to me. Today I wondered to Cynthia if I should take medication. But a) I don’t think it would do any good, and b) why should I have to pay the price for this? My mother is the one who caused this, it’s my mother who is insane. I can’t stand this mindset of “you are depressed. this is not okay. you must be happy. we will make you be happy.” Oh, and mommy dearest has bronchitis again. But she didn’t get it because she smoking. Because she’s not. Even though she was seen smoking. More than once. Everyone else is just mistaken. You know they’re just delusional, and you can’t trust what they see. She’s not a liar or anything…

    Like My Icon?

    Oh, Aizen, what are you doing?

    In less than 12 hours I’m going to get blood work. Not looking forward to it exactly, but I’m glad it’s finally getting done. After this I’ll have to go to the doctor and get the papers to have an MRI and CT Scan. My mom called on Sunday and asked if I wanted to go to Eat n Park on Monday using the rest of the gift card she had. I could tell she was drunk (as always), and didn’t think she’d actually end up doing it, but I agreed. Monday came and of course she called and said she couldn’t go. The landlord said he might come fix the water and she had to be there for it. Ridiculous. If she doesn’t want to follow through with something, why ask? Not only could the landlord let himself in, but that bum she’s living with doesn’t work. Let him make himself useful. There was no reason for her to stay. So Cynthia took me out today to McDonalds. I thought she would. She usually does after my mom changes her mind. I was hoping to get up to CVS and see if they had Neocash cards, but that’ll have to wait until Cynthia takes me again.

    My mom said she’s been working a lot recently, and once she starts getting money I can have my disability for myself. BS! It runs out in November, and she’s only working part time! If, by some miracle, I do get it before then I’d like to get a camera. I toyed with the idea of getting one with my b-day money, but I only got $125 (counting the $25 my mom took). I looked on Ebay and found some cheap ones, but it’s too risky, and not the buying on Ebay part. I did have a really cheap digital camera before and it was crap. It barely worked and the pictures it took were horrible quality. Then earlier this year I found that the batteries had basically disintegrated inside it and I had to throw it away. So I can’t risk spending up to $125 of the only money I have only something that could turn out to be worthless. I could get a decent one for $200 though, so I’m hoping my mom will come through this once so I can get one. I’ve wanted one for years, I’m really interested in photography as a hobby.

    I thought See the Monkey Dance was the best Alfred Hitchcock Hour episode I’d ever seen… then I saw An Unlocked Window. Scared the crap out of me.

    I haven’t seen any anime recently. My headphones broke again, there’s only sound coming out of one ear unless you hold the cord the right way, so I can’t watch anything until I get new ones. This did give me a chance to catch up with the scanlations of Skip Beat! and I found out that two more chapters of Gunslinger Girl were scanlated. I hadn’t read anything “new” from it in about a year, since no one’s really scanlating it. Now if someone could just get out a couple chapters of Junjou Romantica… at least Okane ga Nai is pretty regular right now. Since I’m on a forced break from anime right now I’m going to take this opportunity to get through some more manga. I have a ton of BL on here, and there’s some other manga I want to get ahead in.

    Since I’m animeless I’ve had to find other things to amuse myself with. One of those things is Neopets, and the other is VDex Project. I dressed up and entered two of my pets in the Style Showdown. The first one didn’t get in, like I knew it wouldn’t, and I’m sure the second one won’t either, but I love customizing on Neopets so this was a lot of fun for me. You can see my two entries after the jump. I love VDex Project. It’s the best adoptables site out there in my opinion. Here’s me and my party looking awesome.

    I’ve caught 262 Pokemon, with 224 Pokedex entries. I am this close to getting the Marsh badge. VDex is so much more fun and involving than GPXPlus, which I’ve grown bored with. VDex requires a higher level of dedication and interaction, because it’s freaking hard to catch these Pokemon, and you have to actually go get them, not just sit around the lab and shelter waiting. There needs to be more adoptables sites like this one.

    In the fanlistings department I have several upcoming, and two recently finished. Code Geass: Charles and Lelouch relationship fanlisting and the fl for British comedy My Family are online. A word of caution for anyone trying to view, the last one won’t display right in all resolutions, I am still working on that little bugger. On TFL I got a most awesome approval, English actress Natalie Dormer, best known for playing Anne Boleyn on Showtime’s The Tudors (which she was awesome in). The fanlisting has been designed and I just have to code it and get it online. At TAFL my upcomings are series Ghost Hound and Mitsudomoe the angela song and Seitokai Yakuindomo ED Aoi Haru (the best thing about that stupid series), and the Mitsudomoe character Marui Hitoha.

    Here are my Style Showdown entries! Aisli is no longer dressed this way though, she’s back in her Woodland Archer outfit.


    Masked in Mystery: I call this one “The Phantom of the Cybunnys after burying Raobbit in the Haunted Woods”


    Sugar and Spice: This is “I was made to hit in America” Carmetia. A small pic of her as she was before the contest. I can’t wait until it’s over so I can put her back the way she was, she looked so cool.

    My other pets are Aediantia and GerryBJr looking equally great.

    Worthless People are Worthless

    My mom did call yesterday but she didn’t go to the store. She said Friday or Saturday. She definitely didn’t go today so we’ll see if she does tomorrow. My first birthday card came, from Pap Pap. Last year he didn’t send me one, and my mom said he might have remember this year since he had just been visiting Aunt Nita in Louisiana. My mom also said she’s going to apply to be a security guard at the nursing home near here. I said I thought you needed experience for something like that, and she said she’s going to ask her old boss to lie for her.

    She managed to upset me even more yesterday. She mentioned the cake again, and I told her Cynthia said she doesn’t have any cake pans. She said maybe she could find someone else to borrow from. Then I said there was something else she could do for me instead, if she wanted to. The only reason I brought it up, or even thought of it, was because she suggested it a couple weeks ago. So I asked if she would ask Randy to take us to Red Lobster for my birthday. I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it, even though she’s the one that mentioned it first. She probably doesn’t even remember it because she says a lot of shit she never intends to follow through with. She said she’d think about it, and I was sure the answer would be no. Not more than an hour later she called back she said there was no way. I just said fine, and that seemed to piss her off for some reason. She said “you don’t understand, he only wants one thing, and I can’t do it” and that we’d go to Eat n Park for breakfast or lunch for my birthday (even if she does intend to follow through, there’s no way I’m going). She’s such a fucking moron. I expected her to say no, I expected it because she’s selfish. But that’s not why she said no, she said no because that white trash bastard told her to. She’s so worthless. I hate weak people in general, but I really hate weak women. There is no excuse for being a weak woman. And yes, I do know it was because of him. I could tell by the sound of her voice. I could also tell by the fact she called back so quickly. I didn’t expect to hear from her again until the next day or the day after. But she felt the need to call right back. That’s because she mentioned it to him (the psycho bastards name is Walt) and he told her no. I immediately knew it was his doing. After all the shit he’s pulled, and the way he called her all the freaking time. Like the last time we were out with Randy (at Red Lobster in fact) she was texting the entire time. She just kept getting text and after text. The same thing every other time. A call at 12:10 in the morning. Then again at 12:25, then another at 1:40. Or a text. The few times she was home her phone was binging with texts all night long. She’s such a fucking idiot for putting up with this. Not just putting up with it, for allowing it. He even got angry when she kept going to the bar where she met him, like she wasn’t allowed to be there anymore now that she was “taken”.

    When I told Cynthia she thought the same thing I did, I didn’t even have to say it. The white trash bastard has been asking to meet her too. WTF. She has nothing to do with him. Like when my mom started practically living with him after knowing him for about a month, he kept asking her when he was going to meet me. Cynthia has already said she doesn’t want him in the house, and she’s angry my mom let him know where she lives because she doesn’t trust him because he’s so obsessive. Cynthia also said we could go to Red Lobster with Karen (probably a cousin, this is a big family, lot of cousins). I told her she didn’t have to. Going to Eat n Park with Cynthia is one thing, but Red Lobster is more expensive. But today she said Karen would take us next week. At least Cynthia is nice to me. I doubt if Pap Pap gave me money, and even if he did my mom possibly took it, despite when she first said the card came she kept repeating that she didn’t open it (meaning she did?). But I’ll try to take some money with me, because I definitely want their Chocolate Wave cake. The best chocolate cake I’ve ever had. It’s warm, gooey, and very, very, chocolatey. But after the entree I’d feel even worse asking her to buy me desert too.

    Luckily my cat is doing better because I don’t want to send her back down there. She didn’t go to the bathroom or drink any water for over 30 hours. Then finally she did use the litter box, and drank a little bit of water. She’s gone to the bathroom twice since then, but I still haven’t seen her drink any more water. I’m just going to have to keep pointing it out to her. She’s under the bed right now. It’s so freaking hot today. 91 with 59% humidity, and 75 dew point. I feel like I’m in a rain forest.

    Oh, and I saw a planet early this morning, around 1-2 AM. I tried to find out what it was, but there are 4 visible ones right now, and there’s no way for me to tell which is which. It was the only thing I saw in the sky, and it was very bright.

    Maybe it Was McGonagall

    Mmm, food. I’m still only eating once a day. I said I would and I am, even though I’m half forcing myself to do it. After I went to Cynthia’s my mood stabilized for a little bit. The last blog, Epic Troll, shows that best. Then my mom called again (she was going to the store) and just hearing from her sent me spiraling again. She called again yesterday, Cynthia said because she wanted to know how I was since I hadn’t called her. So I asked why she didn’t call, and she said it was because I didn’t call her. Then she had the audacity to call me stubborn. When someone runs you our of their home, it kind of makes it seem like you don’t want to talk to them. If she wondered how I was (which I doubt she did) her phone works. We didn’t talk much, but she wondered if Kribel’s (a bakery) took food stamps. At first I didn’t know why she was talking about getting a cake, it took me a little while to realize my birthday is now three days away. She offered to try to bake a cake, but she doesn’t have any cake pans or a spatula so I don’t know if she will. She also still does not have a job. She says no one will hire her because she’s too old, but she’s not even 50 yet. I don’t think she’s really trying. Also, our disability hasn’t gone through, so she hasn’t paid the rest of the rent. She says she’s going to drop the internet for now, and later on we’ll switch to Verizon, which I think is stupid, stupid, stupid. I don’t like Comcast, but I’m used to it and know what to expect. I have On Demand, I have the channels I want, and the caller ID comes up on the TV screen. I also saw their packages, and until Comcast Current TV, Sundance, IFC, and other channels aren’t included. I saw my mom briefly yesterday when I took Cynthia’s money down to her so she could stop at McD instead of us going. It was so hot, and when I said Cynthia and I were planning on going down later, she offered to do something nice and go get it herself. When I went down I also took the opportunity to get my cat. My mom said Allie had been very depressed and kept looking for me, and I’d been wanting to get her anyway so I did. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep her up here though. The heat isn’t bad right now, but she hasn’t drunk any water or used the litter box since she got here, and Allie is a big water drinker. She gave the water one tentative lick, and stepped into the litter for the first time an hour ago, but she immediately got out. If she doesn’t get used to it soon I’ll have to take her back.

    Yesterday my mom said she was going to try to get to the store today. She never went to the store this much when it was just me down there. If she goes today it’ll be the third time this month, and she’s gotten me a total of 3 TV dinners. One the first time, and two the second. Half of those food stamps are technically mine, and I’ll I’ve gotten are three TV dinners when I know they’re eating down there. After the second time she called Cynthia asking if she had a funnel because she was making ice tea, and later called again asking if she had a cheese grater and some pepper! She’s turned into Martha Stewart down there. I don’t remember the last time I ate a real dinner at “home”. I miss crock pot chicken and beef, shake n bake chicken (can you tell I love chicken), mashed potatoes (I love mashed potatoes!), garlic bread, and biscuits! Cynthia’s oven doesn’t work, and she doesn’t have a crock pot, so I can’t have anything like that here. The other day she did make some mashed potatoes though, and I think they were real mashed potatoes, and not flakes from a box. I could tell by the texture and taste. I’d mash them myself if it meant getting more, because they were so good.

    The other day my glasses broke. It’s the same thing that happened with my last pair. The joint where the glasses close wore down, and the left temple popped out. With my last glasses, the temple was out and one of the nose pads had fallen off. I’d had them for at least 3 years. This one is around two years old. Cynthia says when it gets cooler she’ll take me to get my blood test done, get my MRI and CT Scan prescriptions from the doctor, and go to the eye doctor, since it’s all covered by my insurance. I’m sure my mother still hasn’t gotten her test done, despite her adamant declarations that she has cancer or something equally bad. I can tell she’s real worried about it.

    I don’t know if I’ll watch any anime or read any manga today, but I’ll try. I have seen anything since the 13th when I watched the second episode of Kuroshitsuji. Another chapter of Kuroshitsuji was released, and a surprise release of Aiso Tsukashi, a yaoi I’m following (I do not like the new character, I’m only reading it because of Sawaragi). I have been listening to some BL dramas, Junjou Romantica mostly. Can’t understand most of what they’re saying, but I’ve read the manga and seen the anime so I know what’s happening. I’ve also been reading Japanese Code Geass fan fics in Chrome, with my very poor Google translation. Oh, it says the funniest things. The translations are really ridiculous, but there’s so much Shunaruru (what they call the Schneizel/Lelouch pairing) out there. I was also on the site Pivix, and apparently Clovis’s birthday is October 14? There were quite a few fan arts wishing Clovis a happy birthday for October 14.

    I’ve also started switching over my old fanlisting site Among the Stars (x.lisabee.org) to my new one at boysloveboys.org, my BL domain. I really like the way the layout turned out. It features Akira and Shirogane from Monochrome Factor. Eventually when I’m done with this and have recovered, I’ll move all my anime fanlistings to their new domain Zangetsuki.org, except of course the ones that have their own domain like Code Geass. Usami Haruhiko (Junjou Romantica) and Kuba Homare (Okane ga Nai) will be on boysloveboys.org, since their both yaoi.

    Besides listening to BL dramas, and reading Schneizel x Lelouch fan fic, I’ve been watching Dragnet. Pittsburgh has a station called RTV which plays a lot of old shows. Dragnet, Adam-12, Incredible Hulk, Kojak, and late at night Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Dragnet is very cheesy (they all are). The writings bad, the actings bad, and it’s like a long PSA. But I like it, mainly because I like Friday. I like his voice, and he usually remains polite and calm even when dealing with jerks.

    Now, as for the title of the post, a strange thing happened the other night. I heard a cat meowing outside. I looked outside and one cat was sitting across the street, I think it is that persons (the one directly across the street from us) since it looked like a big cat, and she has a Maine Coon like Tiger. I went downstairs and Tiger was sniffing at the door (he does not like other cats). I looked outside, wondering if it went on the porch, and there was a cat there, a different one. The other cat was gone. It was just sitting there. It saw me looking and looked directly at me and meowed again. Then it jumped off the porch and walked across and up the street. It might belong to that woman too, she has several cats and she always lets them out when she’s home (it’s stupid and irresponsible to let a cat out anytime). I don’t know what it wanted.

    I almost completely forgot! Every Avatar TLA fan should know by now about the new mini/series. Legend of Korra. I’d been hearing about Korra for a while now, but I didn’t think any info on it would come out until the panel at Comic-Con. Too bad it’s not coming out until 2011.

    Every Year Worse Than Before

    I had to push myself to write this because I really don’t want to. Living it and thinking about it is enough, I don’t want to write about it as well. But I have to. All this began quite a few weeks ago. It was when we were out of food stamps and money, so I wasn’t eating. Then my mother got fired from her job. I’ve said before that she’s been having continuous constipation. My mom said that one day while at work at Rite Aid she was with a coworker and took out a sepository (not looking that spelling up) told the woman she was doing it, and left a note on the package for the manager saying she would pay for it on payday, and let the woman know what she was doing. After my mom was gone the woman (her name is Anna, I think, not sure of the spelling) called the companies 800 number and reported my mom for stealing. She was suspended for 3 days and then fired. My mom said her boss and other coworkers were very upset, because they all think Anna is a backstabbing bitch (which she is). My mom’s boss liked her too, but there was nothing he could do with the companies decision.

    My mom started looking for a couple new jobs, and still is, I don’t think she’s been trying very hard. This was a huge, horrible blow. Even at Rite Aid we were living paycheck to paycheck and never had any money. She’ll be taking a big pay cut when she finally does find work. But that’s not the half of it. Instead of seriously looking for a new job (which I don’t think she has) she came up with a new plan, get rid of me and get a roommate.

    She wanted to send me to my great aunt Laura’s in Maryland, who while seems nice, I’ve only met a few times. The roommate she was talking about was that psycho she had met down at the bar and started practically living with (she was paying the rent of our apartment but staying with him all the time) after she had only met him 1-3 months prior. There was no way I was going down to Maryland. My mom first told me about the roommate plan on the day I hurt my foot. I was upset and against my better judgement I had called her. I was hurt and scared and wanted my mother. She was drunk, and she immediately turned the whole thing about her, though she would’ve done that even if she hadn’t been drinking. She had watched Dr Oz earlier that day and there was a segment on cancer, so she decided she must have colon cancer since she can’t go the bathroom. She hadn’t had any tests done (and still hasn’t even though she has the prescription for it, and has had plenty of time) she kept saying she knew she had cancer. She also said we had to get a roommate. I called Cynthia directly after that, sobbing because of my horrible mother. She said then that I could stay with her while my mom had the roommate, but didn’t mention it again. After that there was little mention of the roommate, though practically every time I saw her she was trying to get me to go to Maryland. She also decided that we were both going to go on disability, her for depression, and me for OCD. My great aunt has been telling her for years to try to have me put on disability and SSI, and I even had the papers from a former doctor listing disability for six months, but she never did anything about it – until it was convenient for her and she wanted the money. Now she’s making $205 a month off of a health issue she caused. The day we went to the doctor she mentioned the roommate thing again and said she was serious. I said that either way I wouldn’t be there. When she asked why I said Cynthia had told me when I first heard about it that I could stay with her, which wasn’t lying, she did say that. But she hadn’t mentioned it again, and I didn’t tell her I was going to stay with her. Of course what I really meant was I was going to kill myself. At the doctors I had planned on getting the prescriptions for my blood test, CT scan, and MRI. When I got them, on the first of November and beginning of December last year my mother took them from me and promptly lost them. She refused to go to the doctors and get them again, or get them when she was already at the doctors. Since I was there this time, I was going to ask. Then after my mom finished her appointment with him she came in with him to sit in on my appointment! When I got dizzy she told him “well we usually only eat once a day” and when I told her I wanted the blood test, CT scan, and MRI papers she said “what you think you still need it?” about the MRI. She was diagnosing me and ridiculing me in front of the doctor! When she said that about the MRI I told her to stop it, and on the way out she said she didn’t mean it like that, but I know she did. When somethings wrong with her its the end of the world, when somethings wrong with something else they’re a hypochondriac. Last summer when I getting numbness, and having trouble swallowing, and a myriad of other recurring symptoms, she told me to take prozac so I wouldn’t worry about it. So I still don’t have the papers for the blood test, CAT scan or MRI. When I told her she acted surprised, and when I told her several more times. No, I’m suddenly healed! I have no more numbness, pain, my blinding headaches and dizziness are gone, my balance and coordination has returned, I don’t walk into walls anymore or start falling down for no reason! My memory is now perfect and I have no problems talking, writing, or thinking. Yay! Of course I still need the freaking CT scan and MRI!!! What does she think, Jesus decended from heaven and healed me? Everything that was wrong then still is now. The numbness isn’t as bad, and I while I still have trouble swallowing I’m managing the problem, but everything else is the same and as bad as ever. And apparently the dolt doesn’t realize that if there was serious damaged caused by the head injury it’s permanent, unlike the temporary OCD disability the doc signed off on. Now I have to go to a doctor for OCD and possibly be put on medication. I refuse to talk to a psychologist or be put on meds. The reason for the first is I not only don’t like talking to people about my feelings, but I have physical difficulty talking. I can’t remember words or what to do with them, and things always come out jumbled. The reasons I don’t want to be on medications are first of all my mother thinks of it as a way to get me to shut up, second medication comes with side effects, and I have so many problems to begin with I don’t need the it to be made worse. The third reason is I’ve been like this for a very long time, and I don’t want to take something that will change me into something I’m not. Another reason for both the shrink and the meds is I really don’t think they’ll help me with either OCD or depression. Yes, some depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, and while I don’t doubt I do have one, the majority of my depression comes from outside problems. Problems that can’t be fixed, glossed over, or gotten over.

    My mother started cleaning earlier this week, possibly late last week, and kicked it into high gear. She said she might bring someone with her to help her clean, which infuriated me. She wanted to bring in that psycho to go through our things, my things?! And she did, though the first day all he did was sit on the couch and watch TV. I had been going to my great aunt Cynthia’s almost every day to eat, so I retreated to her place later on. When I got back the place was still a mess, this time of trash bags, empty totes, and filled totes to go into the closet. The bed was fixed up in my old room, the one I had left last year, the bed made, and stuff piled in front of and on my dresser. He moved in that day. Just like that. As if I wasn’t a bundle of nerves and anxiety, with my depression was worse than ever that that night my mom just ignited the situation. She came into my room that night and accused me of taking a pillow out of the dryer. She said she put the pillow in the dryer and it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t take anything out of the dryer or even touch it. I did go into the room briefly to see what she had done and then closed the doors to the washed and dryer (which some genius put in the closet of that bedroom) so that cat wouldn’t jump back there. My stupid mom had left the door to the bedroom open, and the door to the washer and dryer open, when she knows that cat’d get into everything. My mother didn’t believe me and even called Cynthia to say I had stolen her pillows. Then she twice searched my room (her old one) for it. It was half funny to see her searching for something she couldn’t possibly find hidden since I didn’t take it, but also infuriating because I don’t like being accused of things I didn’t do, and then have no one believe me. The next day we went downtown and I asked her if she had found the pillow she had accused me of stealing and she said she hadn’t. She also basically said I should get used to the situation with the roommate because Walt (the psychos name) knew I didn’t it and had barely even gone to the bathroom the day before. Yes, poor, poor Walt. He’s the one suffering here. It didn’t matter that I had barely gone to the bathroom that day because of this. After we came back I went up to Cynthia’s where she said that on the phone the day before my mom had accused me of taking a pillow and her clothes and said that she didn’t like being lied to (do all pathological liars have that pet peeve?). On Wednesday night my mom came into the bedroom again with a pillow and hit me a couple times with it and said the pillow had magically reappeared and it was a funny trick I’d played on her. I told her I didn’t play any trick and I didn’t take any pillow. My mom said she had thought it was funny, but I was the only one who could have done it, and there was something wrong with me if I really thought I didn’t take the pillow and she would have me committed. I started crying then, she’s just so horrible, so cruel to me. And I told her no, only that I didn’t do it. She just left the room after that and I screamed behind her that she was a lying whore. She came into the room and said that if I ever called her that again she would punch me in the face. Even though it was late I called Cynthia because I was so upset with all this and told her everything that happened. And I know what happened with that pillow. Either my mother wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing originally, or she was purposely tormenting me to try to get rid of me. She had been so desperately trying to send me to Maryland, and had actually said earlier on Tuesday that she wanted me to go up to Cynthia’s “for a couple days.” But there’s one more person who could have done it, that white trash bastard she’s been seeing. He is white trash, and alcoholic who doesn’t seem to work, but seems to function perfectly except for a cigarette induced cough, so he must be on disability for what “health problem” I don’t know. I say he’s a psycho because he’s shown himself to be very obsessive. I’ve written before about him constantly calling, sometimes 7 times in a span of 20 or so minutes. Every time I saw her since she started seeing him (which was rare) she was always getting calls and texts from him. Even when we went to welfare for the interview he called twice just to “see how she was.” We weren’t there for more than a few hours, and the second time she had to run out to see what the call was during the interview. So he’s my prime suspect, though it could have just as easily been her. At 2:30 in the morning after that she came in, drunk, and started cleaning the bedroom. She found some DVDs on the floor and accused me of hiding them all while saying sarcastic things like yep, you’re not a liar, I’m just imagining things, and random things like I’m on a cleaning frenzy. I found out yesterday that pillow and clothes had changed into pillow and DVDs, that I had also taken DVDs she had bought because she couldn’t find them. I don’t know what DVDs I supposedly took. She had actually taken most of the DVDs we own when she was going over to his place. What she did when them I don’t know. Wednesday night/Thursday morning was the closest I ever came to trying to kill myself. I had planned on doing it when he moved in, but decided to try and wait and see. I knew it was a bad idea, that I would just bring myself more suffering, and I did. I came very close Thursday morning. The problem was I waited. I wanted to wait so I would be good and tired so hopefully I’d be able to fall asleep quickly after drinking the bottle of prozac, and spare myself a possibly painful conscious death. But I couldn’t calm down. Every time I thought about doing it, and I had the bottle all poured out into a glass (thought it would be easier, bigger mouthfuls) and waiting. But I still couldn’t do it. I was too scared of an agonizing death, or not dying at all and ending up worse than before, or having a seizure. So I’m still looking for that tall building. I tried to go to sleep after that, but not only was I having trouble sleeping from all the anxiety, but they’re so constantly noisy. The few days they were there they were up until 3-4 AM watching movies at full blast and playing music. Then what sounded like an alarm, repeated jingling alarm sound every few minutes kept going off probably in the dining room. I think he might have done it to disturb me early in the morning, like my mom with her cleaning. Then at 5:30 he was heating pizza in the microwave! I didn’t fall asleep until 7 AM and got up after 12. Then I called Cynthia. She had mentioned staying with her when I talked to her the night before, but once again didn’t mention it this time, but I asked her anyway and she said yes. My mom came in later and asked a question about the caller ID on the TV. We have Comcast triple play, so the number or name of the person who’s calling shows up on the screen, but it wasn’t then. On Tuesday and Wednesday there were brief blackouts, so the cable box reset. It takes a while for it to really get going again. Then she asked if I was going to apologize for the mean name I called her, and I told her I would when she apologized of accusing me of doing something I didn’t do. She said what was I saying, that a ghost took it and put it back? Of course I was saying nothing of the sort, only that I wasn’t the person responsible for it. She just left again. Then I cleared out an old suitcase, and got an old backpack off her, and took the laptop up to Cynthia’s. Later on I went back down to get some other stuff. I had my mom come in my old room with me and watch me so she’d know what I was taking, and wouldn’t be accused of stealing the whole washing machine next. I took my Code Geass doujinshi, Junjou tin and stickers, (the prozac), Schneizel voice doll (who can’t speak yet because he needs batteries) and some other things important to me I don’t want to lose. My mom said I didn’t have to take anything, that he wouldn’t go through my things, and he isn’t the type to steal, which I know is not true. How should she know what type of person he is anyway? She’s not known him for more than 5 months. I was going to take the cat with me, but my mom asked, and asked me not to, and leave her in the air conditioning and not trap her in one room. I had to give in to it, though I didn’t want to. I’d rather my girl with me, and not near that guy but it’s been so hot here, I can’t take her out of the air conditioning. I don’t trust that guy. When we were at welfare my mom suddenly mentioned something like “I don’t care what I’m not getting rid of the cat, I didn’t get her just to leave her.” It was so strange and out of the blue. As long as my mom is there I will allow her to stay. If she starts working Allie will come with me for the time, because I do not want to leave her with him.

    So now I’m at Cynthia’s. There’s no cable, air conditioning, or internet, and Cynthia can be a contentious person, but I’m alive for now. I’m using someone’s wireless network that they have without a password, so I have to be careful where I login and to immediately sign out when I’m done. At least I have internet at all. I don’t know how well downloading anime would go though, pretty bad I think SpeedTest.net lists the speeds as 1.44 down and 0.33 up. I told my mom I want to try to get on SSI like Cynthia and Naomi (extended family member, probably a cousin) has been saying I should do for a while. I want money. I know it wouldn’t be a lot, but I just want enough to be able to buy things like a normal person. Get a manga once in a while, or some other animanga merchandise, kawaii merchandise, get or renew a domain. Right now I only get a small amount of money once in a while, that I can only spend at certain places online.

    Near the end of June, after the foot/mom/cancer incident I realized something. I don’t love my mother anymore. For almost 20 years, no matter what she did I still loved her, even though sometimes I hated her. But she has permanently damaged our relationship this time. Now I don’t love her and just hate her, and sometimes not even that. Sometimes I feel bad about it, I remember how when we did get along we really got along. But not anymore.

    That’s all I can think of right now, pretty much everything that’s happened recently. Schneizel once again gets icon status, just because he’s hot. This picture is actually the one I have set as my admin accounts. It’s a good one.

    I Despise My Life

    And living in general. And my mother. No icon this time I just don’t feel like it. Like most days now I went up to Cynthia’s to eat. My mother was here yesterday, don’t know why she came over and stayed the night, but she did, though she barely spoke to me or even saw me. Most of the time she was on the couch watching TV. This morning she made garlic bread and left the pan on the stove. When I got home from Cynthia’s at around 8 I saw it there and decided to move it because I don’t like things on the stove, particularly heavy things. It’s a messed up old stove. Like if you pull down the oven door too quickly or forcefully the whole thing tips forward, and the top part with the oven dials is separating from the bottom part where the burns are, which is why I don’t like things on it to make it any worse. So I moved it and set it down with some other kitchen stuff, near the crock pot. I didn’t see the crock pots heavy glass lid there, and when I put the pan down the lid fell on to the top of my foot. That’s what started all this. I have accidents all the time, every day actually. This isn’t the first time I’ve smashed a body part. I’ve been lucky so far, at least in the past few years and had no serious injuries, but I always worry, especially when I hurt myself. I’m always alone, and even though I do have free health care provided by the state, if something bad happened I probably wouldn’t get any help. The lids edge landed right where the foot ends and the big toe starts. It hurt like hell (still hurts of course) and I was afraid I might have fractured it. When I’m worried there’s really nothing to do but tell someone just to talk, to get reassurance, and to let them know what happened, just so they know. I didn’t call my mom at first, I called Cynthia. Basically the only time I got medical attention for an accident (I fractured my ankle on a school field trip) I was with her. Had I been with my mother then it probably never would have happened. My mom was out in Arizona with her boyfriend then. She had left me with my great aunt (who we both had been living with) and moved back. I didn’t have health care (I think this is the first time I’ve ever had it) but my aunt still took me to the hospital. I’ve always known with my mother that no matter what happened I wouldn’t get any help with her. So Cynthia is my first choice to call. After I spoke with her I was still worried so I broke down and called my mom. I never should have called her. But no matter what she’s still my mother, and unfortunately I still love her, and I’m weak. I hate myself for making such a stupid move. At first she was sympathetic, and said she was coming down to see me even though I told her not to. She’s often had the proper mother sentiment even if she hasn’t had the actions to back it up. She called back a few minutes later and said she didn’t think she could come down because she’d been drinking. I didn’t really think she’d actually come to see me, she’s never cared when I’ve been unwell or hurt before, but it was a nice thought, my mother actually being near me. She immediately turned it into about her. That guilting, self serving crap “tell me you love me tell me you love me” “tell me you’re alright tell me you’re alright” Then saying “I’ll come down, I would come down but…” All just so she can feel better about herself. After having to go through all that for like 5 minutes I finally broke down crying and said exactly what I said here “I never should have called you.” And that really started the waterworks. She thinks she has cancer, colon cancer specifically. Could she? Yes, of course. Cancer runs in our family big time. My aunt had eye cancer, and my grandmother had breast and pancreatic cancer, that’s just what I know about. She’s also going on 50. So yes she could have cancer. Do I believe she has cancer? I’ll believe it when I great a straight answer out of her. She first told me she wants me to go live with stay with my great aunt Laura in Maryland, who I barely know. It’s not the first time she’s tried to unload me. I was half raised by my great aunt Cynthia and my grandmother, I only really spent any time with my mom during the many times we moved to Arizona (we kept moving back here) when she wasn’t with Matt-freak that was. She said it was because she’s sick and has cancer. I flipped then. I usually try to keep my cool, because there’s no point in arguing with that person, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying yes, you’re always sick, but no one else is. If you get dizzy you say you’re having a heart attack, and now she has cancer. She said she really is sick. I asked her if a doctor told her that, and I couldn’t understand her very well because drunk people babble, and it’s even worse when they’re crying, but the first time she said yes, she knew she does, and the second time I asked her she said she had to get the test done. I could go on like that forever and each time she’d say something different because drunk people are never clear, especially drunk pathological liars. She said again she wants me to go with Laura because she wants me to be taken care of, since she can’t right now and can’t even work because of it. And she’s worried because she’s always taken care of me. Why does she think she has cancer? Because she can’t go to the bathroom. She used to always have diarrhea and now she’s constipate and and she says she can’t go to the bathroom at all and she’s in pain. Cynthia blames it on her drinking herself stupid and not eating. She also watched on old episode of Dr Oz this morning, and the first segment was about cancer pains, and since she has all the symptoms she immediately said she has colon cancer. Last Thursday she was talking about looking for a job, and having someone move in with us (which is the thing from the last few posts), and even today she was talking about having roommates, wondering whether to keep the Showtime package so she can watch Dexter, and saying she has to clean because we still need our water fixed (we’ve had barely any water except a trickle from the shower for almost a year now) and now she has cancer. Obviously I don’t believe her. Of course she could have cancer. My poor great aunt Cynthia who I worry about constantly, has had it before, and has spots on her lungs, could have cancer. My aunt Cyndy who bakes herself out in the sun and smokes like a fiend could have cancer. I, with my constant headaches, dizziness, and walking into walls and everything else could have cancer. Do any of us? (If there’s a God in heaven I do or will soon, fingers crossed) I won’t believe it until a doctor actually says it. I particularly won’t believe it from my mother until it’s actually confirmed. Part of it is her hypochondria, part of it is bitterness. She always says something is wrong with her, and is always complaining about something. And I mean always. That’s the bitterness part of it. She’s so self centered. Like when I called and needed her she immediately turned the whole thing into a Pam Pity Party. I’m so used to hearing her complain about everything and saying she has this sickness, and she has that sickness. When she has a problem it’s the end of the world, and she suffers so much. She’s not even interested in helping herself, she just wants to complain about it, guilt other people into sympathizing with her. She was supposed to get a tests done in December and never did. Then the doctor was trying once again to have her go get tests done a few months ago. And even now has she gone to get the test done? I couldn’t get an answer out of her, but the last thing she said was that she still needed the test. I called Cynthia right after I spoke with my mother because I was in a horrible state. She said if she really thinks something is wrong then she should shut up and go to the hospital to find out. She said if my mom called back not to answer it, and I told her I didn’t plan to. I don’t want to talk to her. My mom did say she would call back in a few minutes, after she finally did decide to hang up, but I didn’t think she would and she hasn’t. More “I’m so sick *drunk babbling* you don’t believe me, no I’m just making this up for the fun of it *drunk babbling* I’m going to get help I just want you to be taken care of” (oh, yes, please have a hit put out on me and put me out of my misery). I so wanted to right then and there just to drink all that przc, but I’m such a coward. I’m so afraid of having a seizure, or seriously messing myself up instead. I know I’m not a good person, but I don’t believe I’m a very bad person either. I don’t see why I deserve this. Why oh why are there no tall buildings around here? Did God get his messages crossed, I’m the one who desperately wants to die. It might sound mean or selfish to talk like this about my mom when she said she has cancer, but please spare me you’re ridiculous PPP comments. You don’t know me, my life, or my mother, it’s not the first time she’s said she was sick and was actually fine. I will believe her when she says she went to the doctor and this is her diagnosis. Until then I will not pander to an attention hound. Now I have to go lay back down, try to make my foot comfortable, and get to sleep.

    Don’t Ask Me

    Schneizel isn’t too happy either. I don’t know what’s going on. My mom called yesterday, about a half an hour after I went out with Cynthia. I called when I got back and she said she’d see me tomorrow (now today) since she gets paid. So did she get fired from her job? Well, she called at 3:03, so if she was in Dormont she wasn’t at work then. And she gets paid on Thursdays. Not to mention the fact that she wasn’t at work for at least half the last week, and she never stopped buy or called, so she didn’t bring any milk or food from there (when she has food stamps) and didn’t call. So I still believe she isn’t working. We’ll see if she calls or comes by today like she said she would, it’s going on 4:30 right now. She also didn’t mention the thing she mentioned before, which I’m still not going to talk about. Right now I’m in wait and see mode, but regardless of what does and does not happen I think the best option is to do it now before the medication affect is anymore diluted. I moved the icons that were in the last post to this one. So they’re after the preview and the jump.

    Last week I made some more icons including anime. So I uploaded them all a couple days ago. 145 Bleach icons: Kuchiki Byakuya, Kurosaki Ichigo, and Nel Tu / Neliel Tu Oderschvank, 75 Okane ga Nai manga: Kanou Somuku and Kuba Homare, 32 Code Geass: young V.V. and young Emperor Charles zi/di Britannia, C.C., Jeremiah Gottwald, and Lelouch Lamperouge / vi Britannia, 7 Maria Sharapova icons, and 99 Taka ga Koi daro of Sawaragi. I was going to do the rest of the manga with him, and start Aiso Tsukashi, but…