What an Ordeal

Feb 13: My mom called yesterday after work and said she missed two buses trying to get a Subway sandwich so she was in a bad mood. She said she was going to the bar before coming home and would be home with dinner in about an hour. Fast forward to past 2 in the morning and I’m trying to sleep when I hear someone screaming. Naturally I think it is the ignorant neighbors upstairs who never stop yelling/stomping around and being the noisy people they are. But no, I realize it’s not when one thing yelled is “Megan”. OMG that damn bitch has done it again. I remember last year she came home so drunk she couldn’t get her key in the door and I had to get up again to let her in, and pick up everything she had dumped outside. This time I found her outside on the floor of the porch herself. All she was doing was yelling and saying the same thing over again “I can’t get up.” Now I thought it could be something serious, like she slipped and fell. But no, it’s only that she couldn’t feel her feet (according to her). Oh gee, I wonder what that could be like, not being able to feel parts of your body… Mom, do you know why you can’t feel your feet? IT’S COLD OUT! Just get inside, problem solved. It’s probably well below 30 out, and she just walked up from the bar, and is drunk no less, that’s why she can’t feel her fucking feet! So I get to go outside in my pajamas and struggle with helping a drunk stand up (not an easy task) and eventually get her in the door. All the bitch keeps saying is “I can’t feel my feet” and yelling. Drunks usually come with a few pre-programmed phrases, they’re like those dolls you pull the string and they repeat the same thing over and over again. Then she tripped over her (mostly) alchie bottles on the way to the couch and and was last seen laying there propped up against the couch still saying she couldn’t feel her feet. It would help if she’d taking her effing shoes off and get her feet out of the damp socks. It would certainly help more than just sitting their and whining about it. But no. And I’m certainly not going to make the attempt. Let this be a lesson to her about the evils of drinking (though if she hasn’t learned it by now she never well). I wont be held responsible either if her toes fall off. And if she ever does this again I’m leaving her outside. But for today I get to deal with this, at… 3 in the morning now. And I’ve had to lock that cat in the room with me so drunky Godzilla doesn’t crush her.

Well, I did end up having to help her after she woke up and started screaming again. This time it was about her back and knee. Well after falling down and then laying on the floor between the coffee table and couch, of course it would be hurting. So I had to get her shoes and socks off and try to help her up, but she didn’t want to help herself. She just kept yelling about it hurting (stupid shit like “owie,” “my backy,” and “meowie”) and that she could do it. If she had put as much effort into getting up as she did complaining about it she would have gotten up a lot sooner. It took forever to get her up, then she hobbled to the bathroom which took forever, then took forever getting undressed, then finally went back to the couch and started crying. So I had to put up with that crap, and finally with her slobbering all over me. I hate drunk people! And I hate it when they cling to me and pet me, and then cry on me. Bleh. I can’t stand to be touched but I had to put up with her crushing me for a while (my ribs hurt and I had trouble breathing because of it, then when I finally got away there were indents from my pajamas all over my arms and sides) before I eventually got her to go to sleep. I think that was around 5 AM, and then I got to go to bed again after 6:30. Now her knees are bruised and swollen because of that, and she’s talking about calling off tomorrow.

This morning I heard my cat getting into stuff and when I finally got up to see what the idiot was doing I found her digging under some stuff. It crossed my mind that it could be a mouse, but I thought it was probably a centipede so I dragged her away and started lifting some of it up to see what was underneath. That’s when a little grey mouse went zooming out from under it and around the corner towards the stove. Yes I screamed, several times too. I like mice, mice are cute, but only when they’re in cages, not when they’re running around your home. After I got it together I had to go after that cat who was in pursuit of her new toy. I didn’t know mice could climb, but he scaled the blanket hanging over the door in the kitchen, then dropped back down and finally went back behind the stove again. It looked like he had something either in his mouth or stuck to him. Allie’s been hunting that mouse for almost two years, and this is the first time I’ve seen him come out. He had gone all over the place in here too. I hope he stays behind the stove now.

I’m sick of Valentines day. Egg Cave is has a Valentine egg, which took me 20 (then 100 more when I had to restart Firefox) tries to find, but there’s a 10 egg viewing limit so I have to wait until tomorrow and hopefully it’ll still be there. Then Dragon Cave has two Valentines eggs, which are impossible to get. Half the time the site doesn’t even load, then by the time it does all the eggs are gone. I’ve never been able to get any egg when they were released so I don’t think I’ll be able to get either of these. There should be a one egg limit for both instead of two, so the greedy people can’t stock up on them while the rest of us don’t get anything. I don’t see why some many idiots on that site think this is fun. How is it fun to sit at a computer for hours at a time, all day long trying to get a couple virtual eggs? It’s not fun, it’s frustrating and painful, and very bad for you. Fighting over 1000 people for 3 eggs? What BS. Edit: After almost 400 eggs, I just found out I got two of this years Val eggs when I checked my scroll. Still no ’09s.

It’s going to be so noisy here soon. Like it’s not enough already. But they’re tearing down the McDonalds and Jiffy Lube in the back and building a bigger McD. The McDonalds execs are idiots. The McDonalds there gets busy, but there’s no way we need a new or bigger one. Not only are we losing our McDonalds for 6+ months, we get to listen to construction starting at the end of this month. It is literally right behind us. Then the street the runs along side us, the one McDonalds is on, it’s going to be getting teared up. I don’t know what’s with all the stupid fucks making these decisions, but they’re going to be doing work on it for miles back. So we also get to hear that, and my mom will be having trouble getting to work since it’s a bus line. It’s a very busy street, I don’t know what people are going to do. It’s the main road to downtown. I hope McD doesn’t close down for a few weeks more. They’ve got Penguins of Madagascar toys. I love that show so I’m going to try to get my mom to get herself a Happy Meal so I can get some.

Finally a New Post

I haven’t updated this with a real blog entry in a while. Just haven’t felt like it. Mostly I’ve been watching anime and online at either Global PokédeX Plus or Dragon Cave. I finally got a Ditto on GPX (still looking for Lugia, Winter Vulpix, Mew, and Shaymin) and a vampire dragon on Dragon Cave. Now I’m trying to hatch a sunrise dragon. Edit 1/26: Finally got a Winter Vulpix on my fifth try. Edit 1/27: Mwahaha! Shaymin you are mine!

With anime I’ve mainly been sticking to a few specific ones, but that changed with the new season of anime. Those are Bleach, Prince of Tennis, Wallflower (aka Perfect Girl Evolution, aka Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge), Ouran, Nodame Cantabile, and Itazura na Kiss. Awesome, awesome, awesome, good, okay, …okay. I finally got caught up with Bleach probably about a month ago, and now I just love love love it. I really want to give it an 8 just for how likable and how much fun it is. But everytime I get the urge I have to remind myself of all the times it made me want bash my head against the wall. It’s a 7 anime. Prince of Tennis is still really good, but I’ve been on a break from it because they’re at a tournament and Ryoma’s up and it’s making me nervous. I loved Perfect Girl Evolution (which is known by three names, my preference being The Wallflower because it’s short and easy to remember), and it went on to become my fastest anime, I finished at three days. I was surprised at how quickly I connected with it, and how quickly it went. Ouran was good, and it’s in second place at 7 days, although I technically saw the first episode (several times) almost a year ago. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that again, I just can’t watch that many episodes at once, especially of the same anime (except near the end for Bleach, I was at about 20 a day). Nodame is okay, and it doesn’t grate on me as much as Itazura does. I was hoping to get caught up on all the Nodame Cantabile series before the last one came out, but that was an unrealistic dream.

For the winter season I added Durarara!!, Ookamikakushi, and Dance in the Vampire Bund. I may start watching Hanamaru Youchien, but I’m not sure yet. I was so disappointed Kuroshitsuji 2 wasn’t going to start airing this month like some idiot on MAL said it would, but hopefully it’ll start in the spring. I like Durarara, enough for me to give it an 8 on the second ep, which is something I never do. I liked it so much it gave me a renewed interest in Baccano, which I am also finding myself liking. Ookamikakushi… well, it’s my own fault because I could tell what it was going to be like, so now I’m just hoping it’ll get better. The characters are so friggin annoying. Vampire Bund had one of the most original first eps I’ve ever seen, but the second wasn’t as good. I also knew what I was getting myself into there, but I’m weak and stupid. I’ve been downloading a ton of anime, so I’m going to be taking a break from the internet for a few days again so I watch it.

After several months I finally got out again, and to The Cheesecake Factory no less. Unfortunately it was Martin Luther King Jr Day, which is an official holiday here, so a ton of people and brats had off. We got there less than a half an hour after they opened and it was already packed. We were seated next to these “rich” women and one of them had thrown her big coat over the divider between the booths, so it was practically in my seat. I wanted to throw mine over so it would hit them on the head. People are so rude and obnoxious, they really have no concern for others. It wasn’t that great there either, and I was the one paying for it, so that’s minus $40. We should have gone to Red Lobster. After we went to the Jo Beth bookstore. Even though I hate them, I hadn’t read anything in a while except The Lovely Bones (which is an awful book, don’t believe the hype). They didn’t have The Shining or any interesting bios, so I got Ender’s Game, which I’ve been meaning to read for a while.

I’ve got two new fl layouts up now, my Maria Sharapova, and Amber’s K-ON one. I love the coding on the second one, it looks really good further down on the page. A preview of what will be the layout of my new anime fl collective domain Zangetsuki.org is here. I prefer my current layout, but I decided to move that one to Among the Stars since its layout only looks good in 1024×764. That’s if I don’t try to fix it with div id’s, but it’s so much hassle since I’m not used to that yet. I’ve been downloading a ton of textures for layouts and icons, so expect to see more, esp of the icons, I still have a lot to upload, and a lot more I want to make. I’ve already made over 100 Schneizel and Clovis bases, and I want to make more for other fandoms. Since he hasn’t been here in a while, and he’s really missed sharing his hotness in my posts, Schneizel once again gets to be my icon.

Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs

Or just coo coo (or would it be koo koo?). Like I said before my mom and Matt-freak broke up again. The same thing happens that always happens. So I’m going to write this and that’s the last I want to hear/think about it because I have enough stress without people acting like children. So I found out yesterday when my aunt called that the idiot left a bunch of her stuff up in boxes at her place, and that he said he was bringing more tomorrow (now today). The first thing I thought was “That %$^&#$% bastard! How are we supposed to get all that down here?!” But because he’s such a gd bastard he doesn’t care. When my mom got home I didn’t want to be the one to tell her so I was going to try to get her to call Cynthia. Didn’t need to. Turns out he left a letter in the mailbox saying what he was going to do, as well as a lot of other stuff. My mom’s reaction was the same as mine, getting all that down here is just no possible. But like I said there was a lot of other stuff in the letter as well, and I only know a little bit of it. I do know his complete insanity comes out in it, and I am not exagerating. This guy seriously needs a psychiatric evaluation. It might seem ridiculous coming from me, but I only have depression, no matter how severe it is, and some OCD, I am not delusional or paranoid. Matt is delusional, paranoid, and a coward. This isn’t coming from my bias against him, but from what I know and have seen it’s obvious. My mother said the letter was extremely hateful, and had awful, awful things in it.

Some of the things he said was that she was broken from the beginning and that he thought he could fix her. Yeah, because she was the one who had just come off from a divorce where her partner had fled across the country with her two kids on a greyhound bus to get away from her (then followed said partner here), and then was living in her sisters basement… oh, wait, that was him. Being around her is like being poisoned, not enough to kill you but you lose a little more of yourself every day, and that spending even more than a weekend with her is like slowly dying, etc, and that he didn’t love her anymore and hated her. Yet my mother says that on Monday he was all over her, so obviously his hatred for her doesn’t stop him from trying to be a dirty whore. He also said that he was changing all the locks and the alarm system, and told his neighbors to call the police if the alarm goes off, and not to call him because he would consider it harassment (I don’t think the law would). Another WTF from the both of us. He actually thinks that she is going to break into his house/stalk him/kill him? Another thing he said was something like despite all that most of the family has been decent to him. I’m guessing Cyndy and I are not included in that, since he knows we both despise him. And yet he claims not to know why this family hates him. Then when he was over Cynthia’s he was offering her chili he made! Cynthia said she didn’t like chili, and he said “you’d like mine, mine is good.” And I’m like don’t take any food from him. And if he says “hey, you want some candy” don’t get in the car, just say you’re not supposed to talk to strangers. She said that today when he was dropping more stuff off again that he was calling her Aunt Cynthia, chatting with her neighbors, and saying hi to everyone he saw like he knows them. He is seriously disturbed. Cynthia said he had some nerve to go around like that, but it’s not nerve because he’s a coward.

For the past 14 years he’s broken up with her in letters and has acted like she’s the crazy one when he does. My mom said the letter was full of typos too. That’s all I know about the letter Cynthia said he was a psychopath, but like I told my mom, he’s not, he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t have it as together as psychopaths do, I psychopath would never act like this, a sociopath would. He is always like this. Like when he was staying with us after following my mom across the country from Arizona to Pittsburgh after they had broken up (again) he was rearranging furniture, doing what he wanted with the internet, etc. Then when I heard him talking about my mom behind her back (and saying things like in the letter, that she wasn’t well and stuff) and told her, right after when passing through my room (the bathroom was connected to my room) he stepped on a little cardboard box of trinkets that I had made (and had painted to look like real wood, it was gorgeous) and then kicked it. I could tell it was no accident. You don’t stomp on something, then kick it across the room on accident, and he did that while I was there. Then he told my mom that I had put his toothbrush in the toilet. He is delusional and extremely paranoid. There is seriously something wrong with him. It runs in his family too. When I was little my mom had to call the police because after another time when they had broken up, his trailer trash sister left a message on our answering machine saying he was going to beat her up/kill her, and had come looking for us, but we weren’t home at the time. He could be a danger to himself, but who cares about that, he more has a high potential to be a danger to others. He would never do anything outright, because he’s a coward, but with the way he’s acting now and has acted in the past it’s clear he’s unstable and could do something bad. My mom said she ripped up the letter, but I think she should have kept it just in case (and to remind her of what a crazy person he is) for legal reasons. There is the question of whether he will move back to Arizona or not. I wish he would. He’s probably going to get fired from his job soon anyway, since he’s been constantly calling off. And he’s this close to having a heart attack, because not only is he old, he has gotten even fatter since I last saw him. He was disgustingly obese then in 2006, with his stomach protruding grotesquely a couple feet out in front of him. I don’t even want to think about how sickening he looks now. Good riddance to him. If it was up to me I would do my best to get a restraining order against him, and get him that psychiatric evaluation, because he clearly needs it.

Back Online

Well I’m back, and much sooner than expected. I was without a computer for about 6 days, counting the half of Thanksgiving and the half of Tuesday. I got my new computer yesterday. We were supposed to go on Monday when my mom had off, but she called late in the afternoon to say she wasn’t feeling well. Then I got a surprise call early Tuesday afternoon with her telling me to get ready to go out to Best Buy since she had called off. Her and Matt had a fight and she didn’t get a lot of sleep, had been crying, etc, so she called off. She says they’ve broken up, then says she hasn’t decided yet, but they’ve been breaking up since I was 5. At the most if they break up it’ll be a couple years, at the least a few months.

Anyway I got ready and then after I was done (an hour later, it takes so much effort now) she said she didn’t know if she wanted to go all the way out to Best Buy after all, and maybe we could go to a restaurant in Dormont instead? I said that I didn’t go through all the trouble of getting ready just to go up the street. So she managed to drag herself out and we took the street car to South Hills Village. Even though they’re overpriced, Best Buy is basically the only tech place we can get to around here, besides the Mac store in the mall near there, but that’s way out of our price range. We can only stare longingly through the windows until the sales people chase us away. It’s good we went out then because at that time she had caught me in one of my mellow moods where I can go either way, and getting out and going to the store put me into a good mood, so I was very receptive and willing to look around. I guess it was a good time, because I haven’t been in an okay mood in a while. The first one we saw was not going to happen, a 160 GB hard drive. I would only accept that if I couldn’t get anything else. She showed me a computer she had seen online, an Asus with a 320 hard drive, 4 GB memory, 64 bit, 16″ widescreen, with a webcam and facial recognition, for $480. I’d never heard of Asus, and preferred a well-known, big name computer like HP or Dell. It was also pretty ugly, so we continued to look around. Then I saw a Toshiba for $430. It had a less features, and was a little smaller, but it was much cuter and cheaper since I also needed to get anti-virus and was hoping to get a wireless router. We couldn’t afford the anti-virus that day (right now I’m using a trial of Norton, I’ll be getting Kaspersky) and decided to hold off on the router and get them at the same time. So here is the laptop I got:

Toshiba – Satellite Laptop with AMD Athlon™ II Dual-Core Processor – Graphite Gray
Windows 7 Home Premium 32-bit (don’t listen to them, Win 7 sucks)
3GB RAM
320GB Hard drive (actually 288/270)
15.6″ HD Widescreen
2 hrs battery
Prettiness

I’m so shallow. The pictures on the site do not do it justice. If I had a digital camera (like this crappy but cutie that caught my eye) I would post pictures of it. I also saw these three amazing wireless mouses 1 2 3, that are so expensive but absolutely gorgeous. I love them all, especially #s 2 and 3, but I think the third one would go best with my laptop. After choosing the laptop we had a slight ordeal trying to purchase it. The guy who was checking us out (and who had been giving us advice) was kind of a jerk, and then he couldn’t accept cash and had to send us to someone else. It was then while waiting we decided to hold off on the router. While there we also looked at the cameras, netbooks since my mom wants one, and the computer games since I haven’t had any in years. I think I own two: Sim City 3000 and the first Harry Potter game. I don’t know if any new ones I’d like to buy would play on this laptop, I don’t know what the compatability is for them. So far all the previous software I had Filezilla, VLC, KMP, even Paint Shop Pro installed and appear to work without a problem.

When we were leaving I told my mom I would have to think up a new name for the computer. I had previously decided on Poj, standing for piece of junk, but since I got a “nice” one I couldn’t name it that. Since it’s a Japanese computer I thought it should have a Japanese name, but then there’s the problem of whether a computer is a boy or a girl. I started thinking through names beforehand, mostly from different anime. Haruhiko was one of them, and keeping with the H’s I really love the name Haruka. All of my computers have been boys (except maybe one) and felt that this one was too, so Haruka wasn’t an option. So I changed the ka to ko since it sounds like it could go either way. My new laptops name is Haruko. I don’t know if I’ll be able to name my network, I know on some you can, and I’d like an anime name for that as well. After sifting through some Code Geass ones, I thought it should be tech related, and what anime is more computer and internet related than Serial Experiments Lain? So if I can it’ll probably be Cyberia, the name of the club there, unless I find a different one from it. The only issues I have with the laptop so far is stupid Windows 7, which may be better than Vista, but not XP, the touchpad/mouse, the internet cord not staying in, and that I’m forced to use a screen resolution of 1366 x 768 instead of my preferred 1024×768. Everything looks so much better in 1024×768.

When we got home we stopped at McDonalds and I got an Angus Third Pounder since I haven’t had one in a while because of my throat, and was bad and had 1 1/2 pops to get the burger and fries down, since its so hard to eat with water. I’d want to try their hot chocolate too, even though I’ve never liked hot chocolate when I’ve had it. Too watery. Hopefully theirs would be different.

Last Post

So this is supposed to be my last day online. Really this time. My mom finally got the flash drives on Thursday and got them to me on Friday. 50 some dollars for two 8 GB at Best Buy. They’re half that online. So since I had got everything I needed backed up down from 25 to 20 to 19 and then only had 16 GB I had to get zipping and uploading again. So some of my stuff might not be there when I get a computer because it didn’t zip right, or didn’t upload right, or MU decided to delete it. I knew they wouldn’t actually fit 8 GB each, but I still thought it would be enough after I got them both under 8 GB. Nope. The first one fit 7.80 GB and the second on 7.30. So I had to delete some of my precious Code Geass episodes, and over 630 MB of music. While trying to upload everything I kept getting “undefined” and “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable” errors. This is driving me crazy. You can’t upload the same file twice, and it knows even if you rename it because it’s still the same size, so I can’t even upload them again. So I had to keep changing the files so they would have different sizes when I needed to reupload them, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about my music, since they still keep saying “The file you are trying to access is temporarily unavailable,” some on and off, and some have been like that since I uploaded them. Right now two of my Code Geass soundtracks are saying it, and God knows how many other files are saying it as well, since there are so many I can’t check them all, it would take too long to upload them all again, and they’ve probably already been deleted from the computer anyway.

I still have to delete my music and a couple various files, uninstall my last programs (BitTorrent, Filezilla, VLC Media Player, KMPlayer, Firefox). I’m waiting a little while longer to do that since then I won’t be able to listen to music or watch anything for a while. Right now I’m downloading the latest Kobato. episode so I’ll get to watch that before everything has to go. I’d like to get in some Kuroshitsuji chapters too. I was happy to find out that the second anime is actually supposed to start in January, and not spring like I had originally thought, so not much longer to wait. Since I now love adoptables sites I joined Squiby (Valenth too when I get back), originally because I’m getting sick of all the sucky art changes at the Pokemon adoptable site Virtuadopts. That artist and the sites admin both are idiots, and I hate them. But I ended up getting tons of other things too. A few Bleach, a Naruto one, a Lelouch, two Alucards, two L’s, Ayanami, Kero-chan, Sadako from Ringu (who’s already peeking out of her well), other Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Grell from Kuroshitsuji. I wish someone would make a Sebastian one too, and lot’s of other anime and manga ones.

My mom was once again supposed to call the doctor yesterday but didn’t. I finally broke down and told her to get chocolate since it’s been 3 weeks since I had any (and two weeks since my old blood test results were supposed to get there) and I’m still way over the daily sugar limit. But since it’s cold I’ve been wearing socks most of the time and haven’t seen my feet, and when I’ve had them off I’ve mostly just glanced at them because I don’t want to know. But I did see them yesterday after I talked to my mom and then I regretted telling her to get chocolate since they don’t look good. The red and purple is getting darker and spreading, and the spot on one toe that was really itchy (my toes/feet are always itchy) looked horrible. I almost called my mom back it looked so bad. It has various shades of dark purple spots mixed in dark purple coloring. If she comes today like she’s supposed to I’m going to make her take a look at them since she’s never seen it.

Still Here

No icon this time. I don’t feel like looking one up. My mom is taking her good old time. First she was supposed to get the flash drives Sunday and bring them day of. Then she said on Sunday that she was going to get them and would call after she did and bring them on Monday. She didn’t call again and didn’t call on Monday either. She finally called after 6 on Tuesday and said her work only had 2 GB and 4 GB flash drives, no 8, so she couldn’t get them. She said she was going to the store in a little bit to get the turkey she saved up points for (yeah, thanks for reminding me about stupid Thanksgiving) and would see if they had them there. Because everybody knows supermarkets have the United State’s leading entertainment and technology sections. Once again she said she’d call after, and never did.

I’m down three more pounds and 17 more to go. I barely eat anything since it’s so difficult and now I’m watching out for sugar. Yesterday I choked on my Cheerios and a dinner roll got stuck in my throat, so I didn’t eat anymore after that. My toes looked really bad yesterday, the worst they’ve looked so far, my knees aren’t improving, and my hands have started tingling again. My mom was supposed to call the doctor on Monday since it’s been over two weeks and they haven’t called here.

I’ve barely been sleeping. With my health, life situations, and now all this my stress has gone through the roof, I really cannot handle any more. I found out that the DVD player doesn’t work at all without the remote. It does go to the menu, but you can’t play if from there because you can’t select play. I then thought to hook up my portable DVD player to the TV, and even though it doesn’t play subtitles I thought it might through the TV. The first DVD I tried worked so I went and reordered my Netflix list again to put up all the anime I’d been watching. I was happy that at least I could continue to watch anime, and on the TV instead of the much smaller computer screen. When I went and tried to watch a different DVD it wouldn’t work, it kept playing the dub. So I had to go remove almost 30 volumes of anime from my list, and one of the DVDs has to be sent back without me even watching it. That really hurt.

Edit: And the stress keeps piling on, thanks to my mom. She called at around 5 today to say she was going to Best Buy and then to Shop n’ Save (which she was supposed to do yesterday). She didn’t get here until 7:10, and then said she was going to Best Buy tomorrow. So she must have taken her good old time getting to the store because by then all the good food was gone and all that was left was their crappy fried chicken. I guess it’s good that by that time I was sobbing so much I could barely taste it. She left a message with the school today saying that we got the shipping labels and was trying to get flash drives, and that’s why it was taking so long. All I could say was “Please tell me you didn’t actually say that.” She said yes, because she had to have an excuse. WTF. You aren’t supposed to use the computer for personal reasons, they don’t care if you have to get flash drives for stuff you’re not supposed to have on there in the first place. But she couldn’t get it through her thick skull that that was not an excuse, just a reason to piss them off even more. I don’t know why people don’t get it. My aunt says “well it’s not like vulgar things on there” (uh, define vulgar…) and my mom says “well it’s not like you were planning a bank heist on there” and they just don’t get that it doesn’t matter. You are not supposed to have anything on there. Then she said “What are they going to do, arrest me.” ???!!! Yes, remember that “we’ll put a warrant out for your arrest.” Ohhh, but flash drives are an excuse. So many people lack common sense. Then when I went into the kitchen to get my disgusting food I found someone (don’t know if it was her or the freak) threw food from the freezer into the garbage, and I got to put the garbage food back into the freezer. You can’t put things that rot into the garbage when there’s fruit flies. That just creates more breeding grounds for them, and since I’m the one that’s always here I’m the one that has to deal with it. The reason things got moved from the freezer was to put the turkey she got in there, which did nothing to improve my mood. She’s not going to make a turkey here, she’s not even going to be here. I’m going to be all alone for the holidays like always, so why do I have to see the freaking turkey! Keep it over there where it belongs. So that’s why by then I was crying again.

The Incredible Adventures of Megan

Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.

Where’s Schneizel This Week?!

He’s taking a break. I’m sure he’ll be back for my next post to share is hotness with the world again. My mom and I were supposed to go out again this Monday to Red Lobster and it didn’t happen. She called me at 9:30 to say she called UPMC and switched my PCP to a new doctor not too far from here (on my health care I can only go to a certain doctor unless they refer me to someone else), but his office wasn’t open yet so she had to wait to make the appointment. So she said she’d call back later. I went back to sleep and she called again after 2. But she said she wasn’t feeling well so we couldn’t go out today. She once again said we’d go to Red Lobster next Monday, but since she’s been saying that for 3 years now I won’t hold my breath.

I am finally going to the doctor next Monday, sometime in the morning. So I’m going to have to write down everything that’s been happening to me, and what I want to say in the order I want to say it since I have trouble talking. After that I’ll have to get blood work done, and if he listens to me, an MRI. I hope I don’t have to get a spinal tap too, MRI is bad enough. An MRI is where you get in one of those big tube things, and a spinal tap is where they stick a needle in your spine to get fluid out. If I get an MRI I think I’ll have to be sedated because I’ll freak, checking for MS can take a long time (2 hours), and they better not try a spinal tap unless they want to end up with the needle in their eye. I have enough problems without someone sticking a needle in my spine. As if the possibility of having Multiple sclerosis wasn’t bad enough, they have to come up with torturous tests for it, and a lot of them, since there isn’t any one thing that shows you have it.

I finally cleared out my manga list and moved a ton of stuff to on hold, so now there’s only 15 on reading for now. I’m going to start Kobato., Kuroshitsuji, Darker Than Black Shikkoku no Hana, Monster, Honey and Clover, Kimi ni Todoke, NANA, Nyan Koi, Prince of Tennis, and some others. I have started Cardcaptor Sakura, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Hellsing, am continuing with Skip Beat!, Bleach, Minami-ke. I wish I could continue with Junjou and Gunslinger but still no new scanlated chapters for them. I just couldn’t hold off any longer, it had been months since I read any manga. But I still have to be very careful. I’d love to be able to download from stoptazmo.com since they have practically every manga ever made, but for some reason their files don’t scan right in Kaspersky. It just shows manganame.zip:Zone.Identifier and then says scanned 2 files no threats detected. I know there aren’t only two files in the zip, and I don’t know what Zone.Identifier means, so I won’t open them, can’t risk it. Which sucks because I lose a great resource since every file from Stop Tazmo says that.

Sites I’m addicted to (besides my dailies): FAIL Blog, I Can Has Cheezburger, Fail Dogs slash I Has a Hotdog, Dreaming of Kittens, My First Fail, This is Photobomb, and Pundit Kitchen. Basically every site listed on FAIL Blog. I can’t help it, they’re so funny. Engrish has its moments too. Here are some of my faves.

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I don’t feel well right now, physically or mentally. Because I’ve been so depressed (more than “usual” depression) I’ve made myself not feel well from eating too much chocolate (I thought the icon was appropriate), since that makes me feel better emotionally for a little bit. There hasn’t been much chocolate in the house for a while, but I remember we had some semi-sweet chocolate chips that my mom got to make chocolate chip pancakes but never did. Except in pancakes I don’t like semi-sweet chips, but I was desperate and ate some a couple days ago. I discovered they’re much better when melted a little bit in the microwave, and I’ve gone through 1 1/2 bags of them so far. I haven’t had any more bad pains, numbness, or anything else out of the ordinary since the last time I posted but still… All this grates on my nerves. I’m naturally an emotion person, but this really gets to me. When it’s bad like this I burst in to tears or flip out over anything, and this isn’t even the worst I’ve been. Then little things upset and worry me more. Like seeing the veins in my thighs, legs, and lower back. They look awful and stand out so much. Or all the random bruises all over my body. And something I discovered a few minutes ago. I have dried blood on my lower back, a little above where the legs starts. I tried rubbing it with a wet napkin but it wouldn’t come off. I haven’t noticed anything near there, and I don’t know of anything that could cause it. It doesn’t look like a bug bite, it’s too big, and the only things that touch my back is the chair I sit in at the computer, the couch, and the bed when I lay down. Even bumping into walls couldn’t cause it because I haven’t hit anything sharp on that side. Yesterday I talked to my mom, who said she’d finally take me to the doctor in a week or two. That’s because I’d just gotten off the phone with Cynthia after breaking down when arguing with her because I was having trouble talking again. My mom said she didn’t know what that could be, and I said I had an idea. She asked what it was but I broke down again and refused to say because she’d just ridicule me and call me a hypochondriac. She said she’d never do that, but she’s done it before, ever since all this started. She said that was just because I keep saying different things. I’m so sorry my symptoms are so sporadic. My mom also said that she’s sick. I hope it isn’t swine flu, someone her age recently died from that. My mom heard the woman probably had something wrong with her immune system, and she wondered if she herself did, since she has trouble with bug bites. I didn’t think about it until later because my mind is so slow, but MS is a type of immune deficiency. If I have MS, and if my mom had swine flu and gave it to me, she’d have a better chance of surviving than I would. It would be better that way anyway. I’ve been suicidal for years, but more so now. Sometimes I think it would be better to die than to suffer like this, or die slowly. At least if I got that flu I would die naturally. Then it would be “an act of God.” I thought of it a couple months ago, but if some people take medication to die (which actually doesn’t work very well, I’ve thought a lot about this) I have a whole bottle of prozac. I don’t know if that would kill me though. I heard that helium is a popular method of suicide at the moment, I found out about that on ANN. Apparently if you get it straight from the container it’s a gentle death because you just go to sleep. I don’t think I ever be able to get my hands on one of those unfortunately, but that would be a nice way to die. It’s a step up for the cleaning liquids method (you mix certain cleaning products together and they create a very powerful noxious gas) because that one kills you and everyone else around too. I don’t want to hurt my cat, or random people (though mostly my cat).

Maybe I’ll write about why I was arguing with my aunt in the first place tomorrow. I also have to write about the G-20 which is going to be starting here soon. It’s causing a ton of trouble. But that’s all I feel like talking about right now. I can’t sit anymore, I have to get moving. There isn’t much exercise I can do because everything is so tough on my body, but I have to do what I can.

Watch Me Mood Swing Around the Room

Now I’m taking a break from joining and revamping fanlistings to watch anime. To help keep my interest I’m alternating between Aria, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Honey and Clover, Jigoku Shoujo F, Kuroshitsuji, Maria-sama ga Miteru, Minami-ke, Pani Poni Dash, and Toradora, though not in that order. I usually try to watch them in the order I last saw them so I don’t watch too many episodes of one show together and put the shows I like better which the shows that drag a little for me. I’m really like Maria-sama and Kuroshitsuji, Bleach and Honey are sometimes a drag, and Aria, Cardcaptor, Jigoku Shoujo, Minami-ke, Pani Poni, and Toradora are usually to always a drag. So I can’t watch too many of them at once, or else I get into an anime slump. Right now I’m averaging about 7 episodes a day. I’d like to get further along with my manga reading, but I don’t want to download anything (except for Junjou and Gunslinger Girl) on this computer and have it get messed up since it has to go back.* Downloading would also make watching anime easier since I wouldn’t have to sit for long periods of time, as it bothers my back. Course lying down doesn’t help much either, as it causes other problems.

My mood, which is always unstable, took a major downward turn a few minutes ago. I had been thinking about it for a while, but it just really got to me a few minutes ago. I hadn’t seen my mom in a few days, sometimes without her even calling (nothing new there) until she called yesterday and said she’d stop home sometime after 8 on Monday. She called at 7:30 to say she was taking a bus to Matt-freaks and that she would bring KFC in 40 minutes to an hour. I was beginning to think she had changed her mind without letting me know again, when at a little after 9 she finally got here. Even though I’m used to it and often expect it it still pisses me off. But that’s not what really got to me. It’s that before she left she said she opens tomorrow, which means she gets off at around 3:30, and wants to go to the doctor after she gets off work. If she can’t get there then she’ll come straight home. What’s so bad about that? She’s going to the freaking doctor! How come every time she wants to go she can find a way to get herself there but she can’t possibly get me to one for over a month when my symptoms first appear, and then almost 5 months after they don’t go away?! Even if you take the whole “numbness every day for over four months” out of it, there are still things majorly wrong with me and eventually the little daily accidents I have are going to seriously hurt me. I don’t care whether she’s talking about the clinic or the place downtown (different doctor) her problems are always more important than mine. Cynthia at least advocates taking me to see someone, but it’s like she just suggests it to placate me. She says “at least you won’t worry then.” That’s exactly what my mom said when she was trying to get me to take the prozac. Even though I refused on the grounds that most of my depression right now is situational (huh, I wonder why) she said it would stop me from worrying. I think I should be worrying, especially since no one else will. And then Cynthia goes on to say “get your blood tested for sugar, and then you’ll know, but I don’t think you have diabetes.” (And of course I get all those “have you decided what to do with your life yet, you have to decide” speeches.) Now I love my aunt Cynthia, but I am so sick of hearing people give their opinions on what I do and do not have. She doesn’t think I have diabetes, MS, and probably doesn’t think I have brain damage either. She thinks it’s nerve damange. My mother also does not think I have diabetes, MS, or brain damage, and is convinced there is nothing wrong with me. I’m also sick of people implying that I said that I do have or that I think I have diabetes or MS. I’ve never said that to either of them, I’ve only said based on my symptoms they’re two possibilities. My mom likes to twist my words so she can add them to her ‘hypochondriac’ arsenal. #$%#$ My toes are getting numb as I speak. For the past few days hasn’t been bothering me. Instead the numbness in my hands has been happening every day instead, right now I don’t have complete feeling in my fingers, the left hand being worse.

My mom is going to want to stay here again soon which means I’ll be on the couch again since I’ve taken over her bed. The couch makes things even worse as I can’t put my arms even next to me. I can’t go back to my room since there’s no sheets in there (plus I want it vacuumed) or anything because they need washed after the ants started coming in early spring. They were all in my room and the kitchen. So I got to go around cleaning up which always seems to fall on me even though it hurts me. I left my room for the couch even before that though because the mattress was bothering my back. My mom says she doesn’t care because she needs her room back, and my mattress is newer anyway. Ha! Yes, my mattress is newer, but cheaper. She got her mattress when we were still in Arizona, and she was buying all nice new furniture for her room. I got to keep my mattress and I got ones with cardboard backing (albeit thick cardboard backing). Then when we left Arizona we left my mattress behind but took her expensive mattress. She just said she’d get me a new mattress when we got to Pittsburgh. I didn’t get a new mattress until around 2 years later, until then I slept on other peoples loan mattresses. And when I got my mattress it was the cheapest one they had and the only back support it has are the springs that poke you. Thanks a lot.

* Mom, ever the procrastinator, still hasn’t done anything to get me further along to help me get a new computer. I have to keep my $200, which was some of my birthday money and some I had leftover for Christmas, to go towards it so I can’t go back to Moonstone to get that cool Chinese like box I saw, or pay off some of my domains to last me to December. That means I’m completely scrambling to try to pay for them and I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Even more stress and worries. I really got a scare last week or so when I tried to backup my site. Last time I did a full backup there were viruses in there from the default email address which catches a lot of spam. So this time I thought if I just did a home directory backup it wouldn’t include the email. Well, it did and I had to wait 10 hours or so while my anti-virus went off and caught 2000 of the little buggers. I deleted the file as soon as it caught anything, but had to wait until the next day to make sure everything was gone, since it took so long for it to go through everything.