My Stupid Mother

God she’s pissing me off again. She didn’t call until 8:20 (whenever she does that I have to wait hours and hours before I can eat since I don’t know whether she’s coming home or not) even though she got off early today. But I was expecting her not to since she brought me food yesterday which means she’s done her good deed for the week. So I wasn’t in any particular mood when I answered the phone, but my mom immediately told me I was angry with her (which in general I am, but wasn’t particularly at the moment). She asked why I was since she brought me “yummy chicken” yesterday. I didn’t even want KFC, I wanted LJS which I told her several weeks ago, and she decided that I wanted KFC instead. Then she said I was angry several times, before saying that I sounded evil and quickly ended the conversation (which she didn’t seem to interested in to begin with), now angry with me for something she decided all on her own. I hate it when people tell me how I feel.

She didn’t go to the doctor today because she wasn’t in, but she got another bug bite that’s looking bad so she’s going to get that checked out. She’s closing tomorrow which really brings down the chances that I’ll see her or get a call from her even though she said she would. So now I am angry, 10x more than I would have been, thanks a lot mom.

Out of Hospital

My mom is getting out of the hospital today. The doctor finally came in to see her after 10 yesterday and said her arm was looking better. She begged him to let her out so they are. She’s been in there since Sunday night taking pills every few hours and getting antihistamine and steroids and tons of other things getting pumped into her since they didn’t know what it was. She was quite famous in the hospital because they’d never seen bug bites like hers before. She said she didn’t want to wait for Matt to pick her up, so she might be coming home in a few hours in some courtesy van they have. Yesterday I went out with my aunt Cyndy, but I’ll write about that later since it’ll be password protected.

My mom just go home, with her arm really bandaged up. She has to get a ton of prescriptions filled (7 I think). Apparently they did figure out what it was, but she didn’t understand him, and doesn’t remember.

I also just bought my first nu domain! I’ve wanted one for years, and I decided that while it would be close, I could probably afford to get one now. I was going to have to wait a couple more weeks, but I found a coupon to get $12 off. I’ve been praying no one would snap it up before I got to it, since it was already taken in every other extension: clovis.nu. I got schneizel.org last month.

Day Two

Sort of, less than one and a half. My mom is still in the hospital. She doesn’t know whether they’re going to let her out on Tuesday or what because no one’s told her anything yet. When I spoke to her an hour ago or so she said they had cut the skin off her arm and drained all the crap out, and that she’s tired from fighting the infection. They still got the IV in her, filled with antibiotics I guess. I’m not angry with her anymore. Even though she still should have gone right away, it’s not like she wanted her arms cut open. I didn’t talk to her long because she said she had a visitor, it sounded like Matt but it could have been a doctor or something. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her later or not. She said she’d call but she doesn’t follow through normally so I don’t see why she would when she’s in the hospital.

Edit: She’s definitely not getting out tonight, and who knows if she will tomorrow even since they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. Cynthia just called and said they took a lot of blood again to see if there’s anything in there. Doctors don’t know anything, no surprise there.

A Birthday Post

My mother was home one night between then and now, and I saw her a couple times but mostly she wasn’t here and didn’t call. She also didn’t phone on the 24th but finally did on the 25th. On the day that she was home I finished the first season of The Tudors, and watched Transformers, and she was here I got to send the Netflix back sooner so my next ones will be here on Monday. Whenever I feel like I’ll do a review of both. Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 19 now. She waited until 11:07 to call me since that’s when I was born, and said she was just getting ready to get my cake and would be home at around 12. She actually did show up when she said she would, a few minutes after I’d gotten of the phone with Cynthia. I still didn’t get the cake I wanted. I was there when my mom phoned in the order for the cake so I know she said white and pink, but instead of white it’s a sort of ivory color. My mom thought it looked nice, but it’s not her cake. After she got home my mom called Cynthia to ask if she wanted to come out to eat with us, even though I told her Cynthia had said she wasn’t feeling well. Cynthia told her about Amberly’s (Amberlee?) birthday party which they were having on the 25th since her birthday was on Sunday. My mom thought it would be a good idea so she wouldn’t have to pay to take me out. That made me furious. Like I told her I’m not going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday. And then she said that they’d be paying attention to me since it was my birthday as well and they hadn’t seen me in a while, which is bull. They’re only extended family, cousins and stuff, and I barely know any of them. Some I’ve only seen a few times before. I refused to go, so she took me to Eat ‘n Park. Despite that crap before hand, we did have a good time out. After she took me to a store on the corner called Moonstones. It’s a Wiccan/New Age sort of store, and I’ve seen it for years but never had a chance to go in since I was always with my great aunt and she’s very Christian. A few months ago they moved to a bigger location, so there two rooms and an upstairs full of cool stuff. I saw a lot of things I liked and my mom bought me this round box with a witchy cat on the top, and a beautiful picture frame with a dragonfly at the top and fake jewels all around the edges. I don’t have a camera (I did have a rinky dink digital one but had to throw it away because the batteries were dissolving inside it) so I can’t take any pictures, but if I ever get one I will because I love them. They’re the best gifts I’ve gotten from her in years. I’m going back there to get another Chinese looking box, maybe a dragon box, maybe a pretty green Indian looking scarf (it sort of looked like the colorful things they put over their heads), and maybe a shirt and skirt, depending on how much all of it would cost, and if I could even fit into the last two. After Moonstones we stopped at the used bookstore. She wanted to get Angels and Demons since she just finished the first book, and she got me Rosemary’s Baby and Queen of the Damned. I saw the Rosemary’s Baby movie and didn’t like it too much, but maybe the book was better. Queen of the Damned was a bad movie, and I hate Anne Rice, but I liked one of the characters so I’ve been thinking about reading it. They still didn’t have Stephen King’s Rose Red though, I really want to read that book.

My mom took off tomorrow so we can go see the Harry Potter movie and go out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. I’m hoping we can stop at Moonstones again after that. Cheesecake Factory is the only restaurant we have left. We can’t go to the Huddle anymore because the past few times we went they kept screwing up our orders so I’m not going to put up with it anymore. We can’t go to Jamie’s anymore either, which pisses me off so much. Jamie doesn’t even own it anymore, Phil does. Phil is our stupid old landlord. We lost our house to him and now we’ve lost our restaurant. Phil bought into Jamie’s and as soon as he started the place started going downhill. He hired new staff (very rude and arrogant), changed the recipes (ruining my spots), and he even changed the name from Jamie’s to “Cafe J,” so pretentious. Jamie owed him money so Phil took it over. I think the reason Jamie owed him money was because Phil kept making all these changes on his own, and expected Jamie to pay for it as well. When Jamie couldn’t he just took the place over. That’s my theory anyway. We hate Phil, and we hate what he’s doing to the place, so we can’t go there anymore.

Great. My index finger, the one that was originally bothering me, and some more on that hand are feeling a little tingly. I’m never going to get to a doctor. Now my mom is talking about switching doctors, and by the time she does it, and they update my card it’ll be months from now. And I don’t want a new doctor, I want the one I’ve been going to. This is serious but my mom still won’t take it that way. And right now she’s more worried about herself, because her arm is swelling again from the bug bites she’s gotten recently. She’s worried she’ll lose her arm if it gets any worse. Huh, I’m worried about losing limbs, or getting blood clots, or being paralyzed, but it’s nothing, I’m being a hypochondriac. But when it’s her it’s serious.

Yesterday I told her how my only hope for getting a computer is Cyndy, and she agreed, and that she was going to ask her for help. She said again how Cyndy used to have a college fund for me, which I remember Cyndy telling me when I was little. But I don’t know how much is in there, or if it even still exists. She said if Cyndy did still have it I could take a class that I wanted to, like Japanese, or take off for a while. Even she doesn’t know what I should do. We’ll see if she changes her tune. I need to get medical help first, because I already know there are things I am not physically and mentally capable of doing, but there might be more things and I need actual proof.

Yesterday my depression alleviated itself for a while, but now it’s back again in full swing. At least I have something to look forward to.

Edit: Something to look forward to? HA! My mom just called from the hospital because her bug bite got worse, and they’re putting her on an IV, giving her antibiotics, and keeping her overnight. So nothing tomorrow, which means who knows when I’ll get to go out. She told me not to be worried, but why would I? If she was going to die from a bug bite she would be dead by now. She’s probably fine but made things worse by not doing anything about it. This would never have happened if she’d seen a doctor after it happened. No, she waits until she has to go to the hospital, a place where she’d never take me by the way. And yes, I’m thinking about myself. I tried to call Cynthia to complain to her but she didn’t answer so she must be asleep.

No Improvement

My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.

HP HS and MS

Wednesday was Harry Potter day. I’ll probably start re-reading the book soon, even though I’m sure the movie is nothing like it. I have to start Kazuo Ishiguro’s book Remains of the Day first anyway, since it has to go back to the library soon. For the first 4 movies I went to see all of them the day they came out, and I’m pretty sure the 5th one was the first I didn’t see day of. I didn’t see this one then either. I haven’t been out since Jamie’s. According to my mother she’ll probably have a day off the week after my birthday, so we’ll go see a movie and go out to lunch then. I’ll turn 19 in just a little over a week. I’m not looking forward to it anymore than the last time I posted.

Still also not looking forward to graduating. I have to get some more school done today. I only have two classes left, and it’ll be down to one in a couple hours. Then I have to do a stupid graduation project, and fill out some form (with required info on future ed or job) for my diploma. The graduation project is ridiculous. You have to write several different essays about different things like your long and short term goals, future plans, what you learned, crap like that. Goals, goals, goals, that’s something you always hear about in school, and how you’re supposed to make them, and sometimes forced to (or at least make something up for them). Your own personal beliefs don’t matter. I don’t believe in making goals. Sure have some things you want to do in life, but having a set list saying “I will do this, this, and this” is just plain stupid. You never know what’s going to happen to you, and it’s like resolutions, most people don’t end up following through with them. A lot of people don’t know what they want to do for a career anyway, or change their minds, which is why so many people meander through university or comm college trying to figure it out. Me? I don’t care, I’ll do whatever my family tells/wants me to do. Things like job and classes aren’t up to me.

Right now I only have one goal: to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I unfortunately have another possible reason for my poor health to add to my list. I was watching J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life on ABC and she was talking about when her mother got Multiple sclerosis, that she started getting numbness in various limbs and balance problems. It reminded me of myself so I looked up the symptoms. Of course I started getting numbness a few months ago, and I’ve had bad balance problems for years which are getting worse. I walk into walls (though that’s also because I have trouble judging distance) I’ll just be standing and all of a sudden just reel backwards. Now I reach out my hands when I walk around my house so I can sort of feel my way and grab myself if I start to fall. I also have coordination issues, fatigue, and memory/concentration problems. And I don’t just walk into a room and forget what I came in to do once in a while, or once a day, I am constantly forgetting things. I’ll be trying to say something and be in the middle and completely forget. Once I was talking to my mom and I just stopped in the middle and stared at the object in my hand for a while. She got frustrated and prodded me to continue with what I was saying and I yelled at her that I was trying to remember what this (what I was holding) was. It was a telephone. Of course all these could be because of my back (though MS also targets the spine along with the brain and optic nerves) and/or the head injury I had in the 4th grade. And it doesn’t account for other things like having trouble swallowing, pressure in my ears, or the pains in my sides. MS symptoms come and go, one of the reasons it’s so hard to diagnose, though my symptoms haven’t really. I’ve had some numbness in my toes, the next to last, since around the 7th grade, but it’s never been this bad. I get it every day now, along with my other numbness, usually in my leg(s), big toe(s) (when I’m laying down), or arms/hands. I get it in my arms and hands when they don’t stay straight in bed. Even they move in the slightest it starts getting numb. One early instance was when I was laying in bed with the laptop on my stomach reading manga. My arms and hands would get numb from having them on my stomach and edges of the computer. I noticed that problem, along with numbness in my feet, a little while before it all went to hell. Though it isn’t as bad as when it first started. Then my hands were numb constantly. I don’t know if you could call that remission or not. I also don’t know if my doctor or my mother would take my concerns seriously. My mother never does. If I talk to her tomorrow I might mention it. I only saw her once on Tuesday, and the rest of the days I didn’t even get a phone call from her, except Thursday, so it’s a toss up whether it’ll happen today. Now I have to go do some school so my annoying IS doesn’t whine some more.

Outings

Last Monday my mom and I went to The Cheesecake Factory. The food was so good the first time, we just couldn’t wait again. My mom called the night before (as she was over Matt-freaks at the time) and told me to set my alarm clock because she wanted to leave by 10 AM. So I did, and I think I got up at almost 8. At almost 9 she finally called and said she was running late because she had deep marks on her face from sleeping. We get that a lot. When we sleep, and even when we just rest are arms on things, they leave an impression in our skin. Three hours later she still hadn’t called back, so I assumed she fell asleep and we weren’t going, so I went back to bed. A half an hour to an hour later she called and said she was on her way. I hurried up and got dressed again, and then we took two buses out to South Side. I wanted to get there early so there would be less people, but luckily it wasn’t too packed, maybe because it was a Monday. I didn’t get as much food as last time, maybe because it was later or there was a different person doing it. It was still good though, and the service was great. This time we also got dessert. Their website isn’t working so I can’t get their exact names, but one was a Godiva cheesecake, and the other was a Belgian chocolate with chocolate mousse one, which was the best.

That Wednesday my mom wanted to take her father out as a belated Father’s Day present, since the place she had wanted to take him was closed the day of. We went to Lunardi’s in Beechview. I had some type of spaghetti (most likely linguine) with garlic and olive oil, and both of them had different types of veal. My dish was okay, but nothing special. My mother and Pap Pap mostly talked about Italy (which she loves) and books (which we all love), and he had brought some books so he let her borrow some. One was something like Tales of/from China Town, another a Kippling book (Mark of the Beast?), and the last one which I’m going to start when I get the chance is The Moonstone. I’ve been wanting to read that for a while, since I saw an episode of Wishbone on it ages ago.

Today we went to see the movie My Sisters Keeper at Southside Works, and it just started off bad. We got there a little more than a half an hour early, and though they weren’t officially opened yet, it turns out that on Monday’s they show a kids movie for free. This week it was Tale of Despereux. So we paying customers got to stand outside and wait for about 30 minutes while all the free people went in. When we got in my mom was pissed off to find out the $5 day was only Mondays, although we both could have sworn the woman last time said it was both days. When we got up to the concession stand was and started to head towards the bathroom (because after going out and walking around you’ve just got the dirt and pollution all over you) a woman behind the counter freaks out and starts yelling at us for our tickets. There still wasn’t anyone up there to take them, even though there were about 6 people behind the counter. Then after we give her the tickets she starts yelling at us again that our movie is the other way, before she finally realizes we’re going to the bathroom, and announces it to the whole room. All the floor in front of the stand was covered in popcorn, all because of the free movie beforehand. I’ve never seen such a mess in a theatre before. People are so obnoxious (because there won’t only kids there), and the brats that did it themselves need to be taught how to act in public. But so many adults don’t that themselves, so it’s not surprising. The movie itself was also disappointing. In fact, I hated it, which is pretty rare for me. I’ll have a review of it up at ControverSHE soon, and there’s already one up for the book. Before it there were trailers for Julie & Julia, The Time-Travelers Wife, and some new Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler movie called Funny People. I guess Julie & Julia looked cute (rentable), mostly buoyed by the charming Amy Adams (not to overlook Meryl), and the last one looked like it could be funny (also rentable). Time-Travelers Wife did have an interesting concept when you get past all the other crap, but romance isn’t really my thing. Our bad day continued on from there. From the theatre in South Side we walked all the way to Station Square and waited about an hour for our stupid bus to get there, all because my mom didn’t want to wait at the stop near there. We got to Jamie’s early for dinner and late for lunch so we had to sit there for a while, and we got two snippy waitresses who were really pissing us off. The food was messed up, but I did get a nice “death by chocolate” dessert, not as nice as Cheesecake Factory of course. After that we went home. So that was the last three times I went out. We’ve been able to go out to eat and to movies so much because my mom has been dipping into our savings, but it’s not going to last. I don’t even know when we’ll get to go to The Cheesecake Factory again. I’d hope next week maybe, but I won’t hold my breath