The Incredible Adventures of Megan

Last week we got a letter from the “Reclamations and Collections” dept of my stupid school. I have enough to worry about, so I didn’t open it, and it was addressed to my mom anyway. She finally got it a few days ago. The day before yesterday she called when I was trying to go to sleep (since I still haven’t cycled back to sleeping during the night again) and told me about it. She said that it was a pretty nasty letter, and that if we didn’t return the computer immediately they would put a warrant out for her arrest. How petty can you get? That third rate school would put a warrant out for someones arrest over a 5 year+ junker that had to be sent back 3 times because it wasn’t working, instead of just making them pay for it or something. So I’m not going to have a computer in a couple days. She said she’d contribute to getting one with the $300 I have saved in 2 1/2 weeks. So I get to trade in this piece of crap for another piece of crap that might be lower quality than even it is. And I’m going to be away from the internet forever, stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Plus no anime, no manga, no music, and all my eggs at EggCave are probably going to die since their feeding I payed for expires after the comp will be gone, and I can’t add on more time. I couldn’t sleep after that and spent most of the night and morning crying, and have been even more on edge since then. When I finally dragged myself out of bed after that because I swerve when I walk, and because of my bad feet, I smashed my little toe into the bed frame of my mothers bed, which only threw me into further hysterics (I smashed the toes of my other foot today). I told her that I have to back everything up on here first. I’ve been saying that to her since July, and she acted like it was a complete surprise because she never listens to me. Does she expect to just lose everything again?! A lot of it can’t be replaced, or would take months to track it down. I spent all morning from 12-6 online, and managed to whittle 30 GB down to 20 and that’s all I can do, there’s nothing more on here I can delete. I am not losing Code Geass, or my images, and music. I already had to give up Blood+. I’m going to try to upload them all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll all upload right.

Today I decided I should try to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I could at least watch Netflix, as my portable DVD player doesn’t play subs and is very testy. I haven’t plugged it in before since there’s only so many plugs, so many surge protectors, and the cord on the DVD player doesn’t reach to the next plug. Since I’m not in my room right now I thought I could just use that one. After unplugging the TV and cable box and hooking up the DVD player I went in my room to find that my surge protector is plugged in behind my big dresser. I couldn’t move it and probably pulled some things trying, and searched the house for a while for another one, even though I knew there aren’t anymore. I finally managed to yank the cord from behind the dresser, plugged everything in and turned the TV and DVD player on only to find… I could remember how to get the player to work with cable. Eventually I figured that out as well (press the channel on the TV up and down to go between them). So I decided to try one of my anime DVDs from Netflix to make sure everything worked right. The DVD started fine, but that was the problem, it started on its own instead of going to the menu, and when it starts on its own it goes to the track that was played last. That’s usually the dub. And there’s no menu button on the DVD player. So the search for the remote began. I actually found it pretty quickly, it was sitting on the TV in the living room. But when I opened the back to check if it had batteries I found something worse than no power source – the batteries were disintegrating, just like with my old digital camera. So the DVD remote is completely useless and had to be thrown away. You do NOT want to touch that stuff. All my work was for nothing, and the DVD player can only be used now for domestic films, and when you don’t mind not having access to the menu. And because of all that I missed the original Yu-Gi-Oh CW has been playing on Saturdays.

I did find an old Harry Potter fan fic I had started writing years ago. I don’t even remember writing it. Of course I can’t remember what I did yesterday so… My Harry was always such a smart ass. And I wrote it in different colors. I usually did that. I always hand wrote things as opposed to typing them out, and I used different colored pens, pencils, crayons, whatever I had on hand. It was fun to discover one of my old works, but it made me sad too because it only reiterated how much I had changed. In my opinion it was actually good. It surprised me that I, at around 12, could write something like that when now I cannot. Writing was so important to me, it was such a big part of who I was. But my mind just doesn’t work like that anymore. I loved it so much that everything I thought of was narrated like a book. With quotation marks, he saids, and everything. Now I’m lucky if I can think anything at all.

My toes aren’t getting any better, they’re getting worse. They’ve been stinging just in general and when I walk, and yesterday I had horrible pain in my right foot and toes. It wasn’t like that pain I got before when I was walking, that was the skin. This was like pain in my actual bones. I hurt when I moved my toes, and when I put weight on that foot. My bad knee has been acting up too. I’ve had it for months where it’s like the top part of it doesn’t go over the bottom part right, somethings off. But my legs are the only part of me I can exercise since the rest of me can’t take it, so I have to keep moving. Then today when I was kneeling down there was awful pain in that knee. The doctor never called all last week to say my previous blood test info got there, and he’s closed on weekends, plus my mom works all next week too. So it’s even longer even longer til I can get a blood sugar test. It’s been about a month now since my toes started getting discolored. They look really bad when I get up from laying down for a while or sitting for a while. A mix between a maroon red, purple, and ashen. Holy shit I just looked at my feet (since I’ve been sitting) to describe them, and the middle toe on my right foot is a sickening purple color where the red was. The toe next to it, which has been really itchy and stinging, has two darker dots inside of it like pinpricks. It looks like dark brown, could be black. I don’t think it’s a bug bite, although another one of my toes is really itchy as well, because some of the others have had dark brown spots inside them as well.

No Improvement

My mother didn’t call on Friday, but finally called late Saturday. She said that the bug bite on her arm was getting worse and was making it red and blistery. She also said that she was very tired, but didn’t know whether that was from the bite or not. I doubt it, since that’s one of her favorite excuses. My mom said she might be home Sunday morning for her new medical card, and that she’d go to the store late Sunday and drop the stuff of. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t even call. She so rarely does either anymore that I don’t really expect her to, though that doesn’t stop me from being angry about it. She said she had requested off the Monday after my birthday and that we’d go to the movies and maybe The Cheesecake Factory. Cynthia said not to hold my breath, and while I wouldn’t at any other time, I don’t really expect her to forget about me on the day we’re supposed to be celebrating my birthday.

While her medical card that she just got from work came, mine needs to be fixed because they put the wrong name as my PCP. I have UPMC For You now and you have to choose a PCP and you can only go to that person (not counting hospital things). I really want to get a lot of things checked at least the ones I can. Diabetes, MS, cancer (though I think that’s the least likely out of everything), my back, my side/ribs (I get a pain there and then can’t breathe), my throat (I’ve been having trouble swallowing for a few months) my head injury, there’s so many things that could be causing all my troubles right now. But I don’t know what and don’t know when I will. My mother isn’t too concerned for me, although whenever it’s about her it’s the end of the world. She was talking about going to the hospital for her arm! That’s all fine and well, but what about me? She wouldn’t take me unless she absolutely knew I was going to die if she didn’t. When I lived with my great aunt Cynthia I always got help when I needed it. I had the veins and stuff covered up in my nose a couple times because they were weak, and I went to the hospital when I fractured my ankle. My mother probably just would have said “it will heal on its own.” I guess because she’s older she knows that when you have a problem you need to get it fixed. This constant numbness is driving me crazy, it’s worrying and extremely uncomfortable. I’m always afraid I’m going to get a blood clot or lose a limb. I try to keep moving, but it’s difficult when I’m so tired. It doesn’t always help anyway, especially with the toes, and it doesn’t help the pains. I get a sort of pins and needles feeling a lot in my foot now, and there’s nothing that’ll stop it.

I didn’t end up getting that much school done the other day. I was in bed trying to read and my legs were getting numb, and I couldn’t understand anything I had written. So I had to come in to the computer to re-write everything again and when I was sitting down I cut one of my fingers on the table. My finger was throbbing, my toes were numb, and that’s when I just lost it and broke down crying. I am very near the edge right now, I haven’t been this while for a while. Anything might set me off. My depression is at its worst right now, but I’m not suicidal as I have been the other times. I guess I have all these health problems now to “thank” for that. When I spoke to her on Saturday, I told my mom about the new possibility, but I’m just a hypochondriac to her. Apparently in her opinion everything I’m experiencing, from various numbness for almost 4 months, and older things like walking into walls, and not being able to remember which hands are right and left, is perfectly normal. Even when I told her about my head injury several months ago she probably wasn’t listening to me. Because I must have just imagined the whole incident, and not being able to move or see. If anything happens to me it will be her fault. Yes I am bitter. I’m sick of her treating me this way.

Edit: I just got to go play search and destroy with a couple of centipedes. I heard my cat rooting around in the bathroom, and when I saw her I figured it must be one of those bugs since she can always smell them. I hate almost all bugs, but centipedes are the worst. They’re disgusting, extremely fast, and poisonous to animals. I ended up seeing two of them, one big and one small, plus one bug body outside that bathroom. I don’t know if it was a centipede as well since it only had two antenna and what looked like a pincher. I ended up having to “clean” the bathroom (just picked up everything carefully and threw it into a bag) but didn’t see either of them again. If my stupid mother doesn’t clean this place I’m going to do what they do with kids and say I’m going to throw away everything that’s on the floor, like I did today. Now I’m even more tired than before, dizzy, and in pain. My ankles in particular were aching, and my side was starting to get bothered. I really don’t want to start that again, it’s awful only being able to take quick, short breaths and not knowing when the pain will stop and you’ll be able to breathe again.

HP HS and MS

Wednesday was Harry Potter day. I’ll probably start re-reading the book soon, even though I’m sure the movie is nothing like it. I have to start Kazuo Ishiguro’s book Remains of the Day first anyway, since it has to go back to the library soon. For the first 4 movies I went to see all of them the day they came out, and I’m pretty sure the 5th one was the first I didn’t see day of. I didn’t see this one then either. I haven’t been out since Jamie’s. According to my mother she’ll probably have a day off the week after my birthday, so we’ll go see a movie and go out to lunch then. I’ll turn 19 in just a little over a week. I’m not looking forward to it anymore than the last time I posted.

Still also not looking forward to graduating. I have to get some more school done today. I only have two classes left, and it’ll be down to one in a couple hours. Then I have to do a stupid graduation project, and fill out some form (with required info on future ed or job) for my diploma. The graduation project is ridiculous. You have to write several different essays about different things like your long and short term goals, future plans, what you learned, crap like that. Goals, goals, goals, that’s something you always hear about in school, and how you’re supposed to make them, and sometimes forced to (or at least make something up for them). Your own personal beliefs don’t matter. I don’t believe in making goals. Sure have some things you want to do in life, but having a set list saying “I will do this, this, and this” is just plain stupid. You never know what’s going to happen to you, and it’s like resolutions, most people don’t end up following through with them. A lot of people don’t know what they want to do for a career anyway, or change their minds, which is why so many people meander through university or comm college trying to figure it out. Me? I don’t care, I’ll do whatever my family tells/wants me to do. Things like job and classes aren’t up to me.

Right now I only have one goal: to find out what’s wrong with me and fix it. I unfortunately have another possible reason for my poor health to add to my list. I was watching J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life on ABC and she was talking about when her mother got Multiple sclerosis, that she started getting numbness in various limbs and balance problems. It reminded me of myself so I looked up the symptoms. Of course I started getting numbness a few months ago, and I’ve had bad balance problems for years which are getting worse. I walk into walls (though that’s also because I have trouble judging distance) I’ll just be standing and all of a sudden just reel backwards. Now I reach out my hands when I walk around my house so I can sort of feel my way and grab myself if I start to fall. I also have coordination issues, fatigue, and memory/concentration problems. And I don’t just walk into a room and forget what I came in to do once in a while, or once a day, I am constantly forgetting things. I’ll be trying to say something and be in the middle and completely forget. Once I was talking to my mom and I just stopped in the middle and stared at the object in my hand for a while. She got frustrated and prodded me to continue with what I was saying and I yelled at her that I was trying to remember what this (what I was holding) was. It was a telephone. Of course all these could be because of my back (though MS also targets the spine along with the brain and optic nerves) and/or the head injury I had in the 4th grade. And it doesn’t account for other things like having trouble swallowing, pressure in my ears, or the pains in my sides. MS symptoms come and go, one of the reasons it’s so hard to diagnose, though my symptoms haven’t really. I’ve had some numbness in my toes, the next to last, since around the 7th grade, but it’s never been this bad. I get it every day now, along with my other numbness, usually in my leg(s), big toe(s) (when I’m laying down), or arms/hands. I get it in my arms and hands when they don’t stay straight in bed. Even they move in the slightest it starts getting numb. One early instance was when I was laying in bed with the laptop on my stomach reading manga. My arms and hands would get numb from having them on my stomach and edges of the computer. I noticed that problem, along with numbness in my feet, a little while before it all went to hell. Though it isn’t as bad as when it first started. Then my hands were numb constantly. I don’t know if you could call that remission or not. I also don’t know if my doctor or my mother would take my concerns seriously. My mother never does. If I talk to her tomorrow I might mention it. I only saw her once on Tuesday, and the rest of the days I didn’t even get a phone call from her, except Thursday, so it’s a toss up whether it’ll happen today. Now I have to go do some school so my annoying IS doesn’t whine some more.

July First

It is now July. A month I have been dreading, just like I did last year, though this is even worse. The month I turn 19. The month I graduate high school. Not only does the idea of the future terrify me as it always has, for my future looks bleak, but I’m going to have my one joy and one of my most needed things taken away from me – a computer. I remember reading that the school won’t give you your diploma if you haven’t sent all the materials they sent you books, electronics, etc, back in. I don’t have a real computer of my own, just an old clunker, and some even older laptops. I won’t be able to do anything, including pay for my hosting and domains. My mother keeps saying she’s going to get me one and I keep saying with what? She’s been telling me she’s going to get me a computer for years. Just another unneeded stress on top of my already full pile of things that are making me anxious. Like, as I said before, the future. WTF am I supposed to do now? I have depression, serious depression that I’ve had for years and which only got worse over the years until I just stopped caring. Most people have plans, but I a) don’t believe in making plans when you have no idea what the future is a b) don’t care about much in this life, nothing interests me. I’m just waiting around for someone to tell me what to do, and believe me I’ve been given plenty of suggestions. Well, mainly one or two things suggested over and over. But I still don’t know how to get there. I’m seriously unwell, for a while just in my mind, but then I think the damage my brain got in the fourth grade just started getting worse and worse, and now I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me physically, except that I have a bad back. But the point is my mind doesn’t always work right all of the time, like with processing information, reaction time, judging distance, balance. And the physical and mental reacted to each other, and it was not pretty. That’s why I’ve always had to rely on another people. I could never survive on my own. If I had to I’d probably kill myself which wouldn’t matter because I’d probably end up dying anyway. I’m always having accidents, one of them’s bound to off me eventually.

So what do I, this worthless, pointless person, want? I’m just happy with existing now. Before I thought that was the worst thing, being alive but not living but then when my health started getting worse I just wanted to live and be well. It didn’t matter anymore, everything that was plaguing me before. So I don’t think on the big scale as much anymore, of what I think I should have, and what I think I deserve to have. I just want the things that bring me what little joy I have. A computer, internet, anime and manga, my domains, my sites, being able to sometimes buy the things I want and go out to places like The Cheesecake Factory. Because I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. And for myself I guess asking to be happy is to much, even though it’s always been my greatest wish above all else, so I guess I want to be okay. Or at least well. I think I would settle for keeping my depression if the rest of my health got better. Will I get that? Probably not, my track record of getting what I want hasn’t ever been that good, though it’s been a little better recently with the small things, like going out. For a time it was even better, when I was making more money online and could buy stuff online. But Google took that away from me, and is still trying to. So I’m just here waiting right now. Waiting for that dreaded day I finish my final class. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do and how to get there. Waiting for my dreaded birthday. And waiting for my future. I can’t see this being a good month.