Don’t Ask Me

Schneizel isn’t too happy either. I don’t know what’s going on. My mom called yesterday, about a half an hour after I went out with Cynthia. I called when I got back and she said she’d see me tomorrow (now today) since she gets paid. So did she get fired from her job? Well, she called at 3:03, so if she was in Dormont she wasn’t at work then. And she gets paid on Thursdays. Not to mention the fact that she wasn’t at work for at least half the last week, and she never stopped buy or called, so she didn’t bring any milk or food from there (when she has food stamps) and didn’t call. So I still believe she isn’t working. We’ll see if she calls or comes by today like she said she would, it’s going on 4:30 right now. She also didn’t mention the thing she mentioned before, which I’m still not going to talk about. Right now I’m in wait and see mode, but regardless of what does and does not happen I think the best option is to do it now before the medication affect is anymore diluted. I moved the icons that were in the last post to this one. So they’re after the preview and the jump.

Last week I made some more icons including anime. So I uploaded them all a couple days ago. 145 Bleach icons: Kuchiki Byakuya, Kurosaki Ichigo, and Nel Tu / Neliel Tu Oderschvank, 75 Okane ga Nai manga: Kanou Somuku and Kuba Homare, 32 Code Geass: young V.V. and young Emperor Charles zi/di Britannia, C.C., Jeremiah Gottwald, and Lelouch Lamperouge / vi Britannia, 7 Maria Sharapova icons, and 99 Taka ga Koi daro of Sawaragi. I was going to do the rest of the manga with him, and start Aiso Tsukashi, but…

and it hasn’t gotten better

And it won’t. Ever. I’ve known that for a while. I ran out of hope a long time ago. My health, physical and mental, and my situation continued to go downhill barely without pausing and never improving. I’m not going to waste the energy to explain everything because there isn’t a point. I’ll just say that it started earlier this year when my mom met that jackass down at the bar, started going out drinking every night until early in the morning, and practically living with a guy she barely knew. About a week ago she either was fired from her job or quit. She’s going on 50 years old, but she’s as irresponsible as ever. Though nothing could top the most irresponsible, selfish thing she ever did, which was having me. My great aunt Cynthia said I could live with her, but that won’t work. I’ve lived and stayed with her several times before because of my irresponsible mother (like when she left me with her and moved across the country to live with her boyfriend, who she had split up with and moved back half a year before, that wasn’t the first or last time she did that). She doesn’t have cable, internet, or air conditioning, and while it may sound, I don’t know, superficial, I actually have very little. I don’t own a cell phone, ipod, or video games, I get new clothes and shoes once every couple of years. I already lost food, all I have is television and internet (and with it my manga and anime), without them I really have nothing left. Cynthia is also quite old, and while I don’t like to think about it, I don’t know how much time she has left. I would gladly take her place and all her ailments. There are other reasons as well. I did hope that I would die on my own. Now I see that’s not going to happen any time soon, and I don’t have the option to wait any longer. I’ve known for years that I would die young, but like I was wishing I’d die on my own, or at least end up where an opportunity (in the form of a tall building) would present itself. Jumping is my method of choice, it and gun are the best. They’re the quickest, least painful, and have the best success rate. Slitting and ingesting are the worst, and unfortunately the only options I have. I did start crying when my mom called to tell me she was finally going to destroy me completely, I did my best to hide it from her. I try to never cry in front of other people. It’s weak. If pandas had red around their eyes instead of black, that’s what I’d look like right now, so many veins burst. It’s not the dying part that I find sad, I accepted it a long time ago so the idea is calming. It’s the method. If there was a building around here I would have happily jumped off it years ago. I tried to think of some way I could jump, and came up with a couple ideas but I’m really not sure how high they are. I remember walking by one place and thinking “wow you could kill yourself if you jumped from here” but it has a tall fence around it, precisely for that reason (I think someone actually did jump from there). So not only would I have to walk there in the middle of the night, but either cut the fence, or climb the it and drop myself off from there. Not very practical or as nice as simply stretching your arms our like a bird and falling. I don’t have it in me to cut myself open. So the only choice left is to drink as much of the bottle of liquid prozac I have and hope for the best. It expired in April so it’s not as strong, and seizures are one of the side effects of overdosing, which is why I didn’t do it earlier. I should never have read the side effects. That’s why I’m so upset (that and I’m so furious at my mother). I could end up having a seizure, or just throwing the crap up, and my attempt is wasted. All I want to do is die, this should be easier. People die all the time. People who want to live too. I want to die but still continue on pathetically. I watched a documentary the other day called Boy Interrupted, about a bipolar teen who killed himself. I do watch them occasionally, docs on suicide, and since I’ve been my most death wishing ever recently I did. When he was little he said he wished he’d get cancer, which is something I think a lot. Lot’s of people who want to live get cancer, why don’t I get it instead of one of them? Spare someone who deserves to live and give it to someone who doesn’t. I would have gladly had pancreatic cancer in place of my precious grandmother. Those docs are always full of such annoying people. They all go “how could someone do something like this” and I’m thinking “I’m so jealous.” He’s lucky he’s dead, he got what he wanted. Be happy that his suffering is over. Everyone’s all about preventing suicide. People should mind their own business, even if they are related. As long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else, a persons life is their own to do what they want with, and it’s completely within their rights to end it. Anyone who has I don’t pity. I congratulate and envy them. They escaped. Cynthia said she might take me out tomorrow, to CVS and to Eat n Park. If she does I’ll eat all my chicken and get dessert no matter how I feel. And I’ll get chocolate at CVS and eat it all too. I’ll finish catching up with my Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal, I’ll watch my beloved Code Geass and my darling Junjou Romantica. And try to just enjoy that. So I’ll drink my prozac when I’m completely exhausted so hopefully I’ll be able to fall asleep right after (I know it’s not like overdosing on sleeping pills) and I’ll hope for the best and a merciful ending, or at the very least an ending. If I’m not on by the end of July it means I’ve done it, if I come on before then (not counting the next few days) it means it either didn’t work, or I’m a pathetic coward and still looking for that tall building (why couldn’t we have lived in a big apartment building, then this would be so easy).

Bad Start to the Month

It’s been a bad June so far. Why am I not allowed to eat during summer? Last year I was barely eating because I was having trouble swallowing. I still have trouble but I’ve learned how to manage it since then. This year we have no money. My mom said on either May 31 or June 1 that we were out of food stamps, and we are completely, totally broke.* Food stamps don’t kick in to the 10th of the month, so I’d have to wait until then to, uh, eat. I haven’t been completely starving, a few days I was able to get up to my great aunt Cynthia’s and get something off her, but in general my meals have been very small. A roll with some lunchmeat on it here, half a can of tuna there. I lost 10 lbs between June 1 and June 6. I’m so hungry all the time, I wake up hungry, I go to sleep hungry, just hungry. My poor baby girls hungry too. She ran out of her treats, and because of my mom that’s all she eats. She has some regular hard food but she refuses to eat it. My mother and Cynthia keep saying that if she’s hungry she’ll eat, but I keep telling them they’re wrong. You can lead a cat to food but you can’t make them eat. Allie absolutely refuses to eat her hard food. Every time I get up she comes running and meowing, and I have to put her where the food is and point her towards it, but she just sits there or runs away. I’m worried about her. She’s skinny as it is, and cats can get sick from not eating enough. I can last a lot longer than she can. But there’s nothing I can do about it. My mom wanted to borrow money off my aunt Cyndy’s boss, but Cyndy wouldn’t let her. Apparently she doesn’t think that things like food, milk, toothpaste, and toilet paper are necessary things. I’m sure she’d feel differently if it was her.

Because of what’s going on I’ve completely given up for the moment on the Altador Cup. I don’t feel well, and I’m majorly depressed, so it’s really a low priority for me. I don’t have the energy or the motivation to do anything about it right now, or care. Same with anything else. I just don’t care. On top of everything the nail on my left pinky split across on the side a few days ago and I had to take it off. I should have left it on. Now the skin that was underneath it is exposed. It’s not a lot, it’s not halfway down or anything, but it’s still bothering me. I hope it grows in right. I have problems with my big toe because of a nail that didn’t come in right. I’m not getting any vitamins so it’s coming in very slowly. I haven’t seen any progress at all with it since it happened.

I don’t know what I’m going to eat today. I was going to go up to my aunt Cynthia’s, but last time I looked the landlord was doing something outside so I might not be able to. I’ll probably just drink the Pepsi she gave me yesterday. Two more days…

* Yes, I did say I have some money I wanted to get Code Geass doujinshi with, but it’s only available online, and can only be used certain places online.

And any people coming here from ANN I said I don’t support buying anime and manga in America. I fully support buying it directly from Japan. So STFU.

Go Team Shenkuu!

No icon of my own this time since I come bearing many gifts in the form of 100×100 anime (+ Amy Lee) avatars. They are Bleach (Byakuya, Ukitake, Neliel/Nel Tu, Yoruichi), Code Geass (Schneizel, Kanon, Cecile, Tianzi, Anya, Jeremiah, Lelouch, Kaguya, Darlton), Junjou Romantica (Usami Akihiko aka Usagi), 238 in total. More will be added soon including Bleach, Code Geass, Junjou, Okane ga Nai, Durarara, Kuroshitsuji, and other things on my anime list. Here is a preview, the rest are in the visitors section under Avatars/LJ Icons, in their respective categories and listed newest to oldest.

It’s the Altador Cup at Neopets right now. I’ve paticipated at least three times before, and this is my second year with Shenkuu. I think I was originally with Darigan, though it could have been Faerieland, when I joined and it started it was 04-06 so I don’t really remember. When I saw Shenkuu last year I knew it was the team for me. I love all things Shenkuu, it’s my favorite place (there needs to be more Neovia stuff too). I’m doing my best to seriously participate this time. If Shenkuu loses I don’t want it to be because of me. Other team supporters on The Daily Neopets have some pretty strict goals, but I’m trying to keep up with them. My goals are 5 for Slushie Slinger, 10 for Make Some Noise, and 600 for Shootout Showdown. I don’t have any for Yooyuball. I despise Yooyuball. In the past I’ve never been able to score any goals. Now I can usually get at least one and keep the ball away from the other team long enough to win. The most goals I ever got was 6, I don’t expect that to happen again. I’ve been pretty good with my goals, although it’s only my third day playing so it doesn’t mean anything. I did 670 the first day for SOSD and 923 the second. I’m now up to Level 4. I’ve never gotten past beginner before, so I’m really excited, though it’s going to be very difficult from here on out. I don’t think I’ll make it to All-Star (I personally don’t believe it’s humanly possible, so if you did it you’re probably a secret government experiment) but I’ll do my best and get as far as I can.

Dragon Cave released three new dragons. I never completed the last set, or the one before that and now I’ve got this to contend with. I’ve got two out of three from the latest group (missing Terrae), and 2 from the last one (missing Nebula), and only one legendary so no summoning for me. I did get a Cheese dragon though, I was surprised when I caught it.

I haven’t watched a lot of anime recently, new episodes at least. I rewatched both seasons of JunJou Romantica, and the Okane ga Nai OVAs again. Well, not all the Junjou Romantica ones, I hate Egoist and Terrorist so I skipped those. I’d forgotten how much I love the second season, it’s so romantic, and Usagi is so hot. Okane ga Nai was better than I remember it too. Fukuyama Jun’s voice can be a little annoying though during certain scenes. Speaking of OKG, DP Scanlations released volume 8 chapter, and it seems that this volume heavily features Kuba! I’ve always liked him, and apparently I’m not the only one since Kousaka Tohru makes a mention of all his supporters. The first volume of the Code Geass doujinshi Knights Anthology is supposed to be released in English in June and I’m really very tempted to get it. No, I definitely will, no matter how much I try to resist. I have a little bit of money left in my PayPal account that I’ve been saving for it. I own it in Japanese, but I’d still like to know what it says, even though it’s just short comics, and not very hard to follow. What I gathered from the pictures I liked. My favorite one has Lelouch going to the Black Knights headquarters to find he’s been replaced by another Zero, Schneizel in a Zero mask, and everyone likes him better. I’d really, really like the second volume, which features Schneizel and Lelouch, but that doesn’t come out for a good few months.

My mom is broke again. We were broke, then briefly had some money and I got to eat two cheeseburgers and McDonalds, and now I’m back on TV dinners for the next two weeks. This is very sad for me. Food is the only thing I usually have to look forward to in my day, so it’s even more depressing when it sucks. Like I said I had McDonalds one day, for the first time in ages, since they tore it down March 1. It was horrible having the construction going on, practically in the backyard since it’s directly behind us. Sometimes the whole place would vibrate and the windows would shake. It made me so dizzy and sick feeling when I was trying to sleep. The day McD opened my mom tried to go there after work and the place was packed, and I mean packed. The parking lot was completely filled, the two drive-thrus had huge lines, and inside was what my mom described as a mob. There was even people parking on our street and going there. All the damn busybody car owners all had to come see the new McD. They could go to any McDonalds they want, but they just had to invade ours just to see what it looked like. We’re the ones who have to live here with nothing around and no stores. My mom left and went back the next day. She finally made it to a store yesterday and they had my Hungry Man Classic Fried Chicken TV dinners I like so much (they’re absolutely horrible for you, but they taste so good), but she only got two. She rarely ever makes it to the store, so she should have gotten more than two (assuming they had more, which is pretty probable) or some garlic bread or something.

My mom needed to get her cellphone charger from Matt-freak because he didn’t give it back with the rest of his stuff, so she called his sister and asked her to tell him to mail it to her. I didn’t come for a while, and when it finally did it was in a dirty envelope, which my mom said looked like it had been dragged through dog crap. And it had an Arizona address on it. So besides making it as disgusting as possible, he sent the charger to Arizona and then had his sister send it from there. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there’s something seriously wrong with that guy. He has such a paranoid, persecution complex, they’re all out to get me syndrome.

There a Title

Now leave me alone WordPress, I added a title. Now I finally have something to write about. The day after my mom invited my grandfather down to the bar, she said she’d never do it again and told a little bit about it. First Pap Pap told his Pap Pap jokes, but then he really embarrassed my mom, talking about one time when he came home and found someone passed out in the snow in his yard. It was his then son-in-law, my father. Pap Pap had two glasses of wine and he was drunk. She said he was swaying all over the place, and taking her beer and pouring it into his wine glass.

Also, when my mom stopped yesterday she was looking in her purse for something, and noticed all her sleeping pills (which she apparently had a lot of) were gone. So someone had been in her purse and took them. She thinks it’s the guy she’s been staying with in Dormont. Well, that’s what you get when you know someone for only a few months then start staying every night with them. She said she might come home yesterday since she was angry with that person, but I knew she wouldn’t. She’d get angry with Matt, and he’d say all kinds of stuff to her and behind her back, but that never changed anything.

Then when she had stopped home to put the trash out she poured some old wine in the bathroom sink and tried to turn the water on to wash it out. We haven’t had water in either sink, and barely in the tub, for almost a year now. She said she’d forgotten. I’m so glad that she can forget about things like that. But I’m here all day every day, so I don’t have that luxury. I get to stay here without water in this hellhole while she’s out gallivanting every night.

I saw my first ant of the season yesterday. I was sitting at the computer and I turned my head right and there was a little ant crawling on my shoulder. I hope it’s the only one. Last year it was a nightmare, there were ants everywhere. There’s plenty of cracks and holes in this dump for them to come through, so it’s very easy for them and other disgusting bugs to get in. I ended up have to clean all of my bedroom and the kitchen. I can’t go through that again. It’s too much stress and pain. Last time I cleaned I felt so sick. I felt sick to my stomach, I a horrible kind of sick I’d never felt before, and my head was pounding, and I was so dizzy I couldn’t stand. I had to lie down and not move for hours after that. The time before that when the ants were here should have been a warning. I felt bad after then too, though not like the last time, but several different things happen. My legs went out from under me twice. The first time there was a pain in the back of my head, top of my neck, the shot down my spine and then into my right leg. It almost completely took me down. Luckily I caught myself before I hit the stove. The second time I was walking an my right leg went out again. The second type happens to me a couple times a year. For a brief second it’s like my leg no longer works anymore, or isn’t even there, and then it comes back. I’ve always managed to catch myself so far. In that I am a lucky person. I am always walking into things, almost falling or actually falling in the shower, down stairs, or just for no reason. It’s a miracle I haven’t seriously injured myself yet.

I was just about to say something else, but forgot what it was before I typed it, so that’s all for now.

Trees Make Seeds

It’s been almost two weeks since my last post so I’m forcing myself to post again, even though I don’t feel like it. I’m waiting for my mom right now. It’s her day off and she went down to the bar a little under 20 minutes before 12, and it’s almost 7 now. She said yesterday she’d make garlic bread for me today, so I’m waiting to see if she comes home or not. If she’s not here by 10 or 11 PM I’ll have to eat either the donuts she brought me this morning, or chocolate and potato stix. I really don’t want to do that, it’s so bad for me, and I want real food. Since my last post my mom has only stayed here a couple of days. The rest of the time I’d only see her for a couple minutes a day, or I wouldn’t see her at all. My sleep is really disjointed right now. I’m trying to just sleep during the day, but I get so tired at night too. But I can’t sleep at night when I’m alone. I tried to sleep at night a couple days early last week, but I had nightmares but nights, the first one of which was so bad I still haven’t recovered from it.

I went out not last week but the week before with Cynthia to Eat n Park. They’ve really gone downhill unfortunately. The time before last there was a smashed piece of tomato in the gravy of my mashed potatoes, the sticky bun was cold, hard, and not sticky, and the service was bad too. The service was fine this time, but once again the sticky bun wasn’t sticky or fresh, and they’ve shrunk to not even an inch wide and half an inch high. Another thing they’ve been doing that really annoys me as that when I order my sides mashed potatoes and french fries they put the french fries on the plate with the chicken and the mashed potatoes on their own separate little plate. So you either get a tiny little mound of mashed potatoes (it was done with an ice cream scooper) with a little gravy on top, or the mashed potatoes done normally gravy sopping off the plate. The french fries belong on their own plate, not the mashed potatoes. It might seem like a minor gripe, but not only have they been doing it that way since before I was born, it’s the most convenient way. To me it’s only common sense that you’d put the chicken and the mashed potatoes together, and the second side on its own. If I wanted chicken and french fries with a side of mashed potatoes I would say that. Cynthia said she might take me again this coming week. Even if Eat n Park does suck now, I still want my chicken fillets, and I need to get out.

When my mother was here this morning she said she worked all weekdays next week like she’s been doing, and she doesn’t have any money anyway, and that if we did I would have to treat her. I don’t know what she’s thinking, I don’t have any money. All I have is $20 from Easter, and that won’t buy crap. I need to save my money anyway. I can’t believe she’s out of money. No, I can believe it, but it’s infuriating that she’s spent all of her tax return. I wanted to go to Red Lobster with just the two of us, and she said we would. But since she’s going out every single night drinking, the moneys all gone now. We must have gone out to eat together with it 4 times tops. I can bug her to ask Randy to take us, but I wanted it to be just us. I wanted to originally, and now I really do since I barely ever see her and never spend any time with her. We’re going to have even less money now since the landlord decided he wasn’t going to pay for the electric, because it had been too expensive recently. I don’t know why because the air was only on 3 times and the amount of electricity we I use hasn’t changed. Unless it’s because for the past week I used the microwave almost every day. I think he’s a liar, and I don’t think we should be paying any more for this crappy place, especially the electric. I told my mom, the electric should be brought up to code before we should be made to pay for it. Like everything else here the electric is awful, but this could actually kill us. The worst example of it I can think of is the fan in the living room. Last spring and summer I was sleeping in here on the couch, and the air conditioning sucks so I always had the fan on. The last time I turned on the fan it sparked behind the slider and lit up blue inside the wall. The switch for the fan is a little plastic slider you push up or down so you can see into the wall there. It scared me so much I never touched it again. It could electrocute me or start a fire. I always turn off the surge protector before plugging anything into it, I have to wait until the air isn’t on, and the fridge isn’t running at full power before using the microwave, and even then the microwave doesn’t like it, the lights blink, and the television in the living room blinks… I hate this place.

I haven’t been online much recently. I’ve mainly just been watching anime. I still have around 900 episodes/ovas/movies to get through. I’ll make a post about the anime I’ve been watching, what I liked and didn’t like soon since it’ll need it’s own space. I will say that La Maison en Petits Cubes was wonderful. I didn’t think Japan could do stuff like that. Atama Yama and Franz Kafka’s A Country Doctor had interesting animation, but unfortunately it was also the seizure inducing kind. It was way to shaky and scratchy, it hurt my eyes. La Maison en Petits Cubes animation was beautiful.

After about 6 years I finally got a Cybunny! In the past I’d either forget about Cybunny Carnival, or I wouldn’t be playing Neopets then. Last Poogle Parade (after getting my 3 Poogles) I marked down the date for the Cybunny day. And this year I actually remembered. I didn’t think I was going to get even one at first but on my fourth try I got Aislineagh, a girl, and on the seventh and 8th tries I got her brother and sister Usagiave and Usagine. Aw, my precious Cybunnys, you’re so cute! I also updated my lookups 1 2 3 4, and wasted money NC Mall crap. I plan on continuing to waste money on Neocash items when I can. I know I shouldn’t have, and yes it’s stupid, but customizing is my favorite thing to do on Neopets. And thanks to my stupidity my Neopets look great! I just wish they’d give out the gift boxes will all purchases not just with Neocash Cards. It’s not fair that I spend the same amount, but I have to pay to send my items to my sides.

I have to get off now. I’ve been sitting here all day, so I need to move around a bit. Schneizel hasn’t been the icon since the end of March. He’s very unhappy about it. So he gets to be my icon this time.

Curse of the Spring

I had hoped it wouldn’t happen this year, but it did. My mother has continued to go out drinking every night, coming home as late as 3:20, and for the past two days she didn’t come home at all. Yesterday she came into my room after 10 AM and said she’d texted Randy about going to Red Lobster. We did end up going, and it was nice to get out, but she drank before we got there, while we were there, and after we left. I heard her get here at 7:40 this morning, and then she left for work at 8:20. It must be here late day, which means she doesn’t get off until 7:15-30, and then she’ll probably go straight to the bar so who knows when she’ll get home, if she does at all. Her voice is all messed up, and while she says it’s from allergies, I knows it’s because she’s been smoking so much and sits in a smoke filled bar for up to 10 hours. She said a week or so ago she’s smoking up to a pack a day! So all that coughing must be allergies. There’s no point talking to her about it because then she’ll only say “I guess I’ll kill myself if you don’t love me then,” or get angry and slam doors like a teenager, or she’ll cry all over me and pet me for hours sobbing mostly incoherent words and getting out a “I’m so sorry” or “I’m a horrible mother” only to go out and do the same thing the next day. The only time I see her anyway is either for a few minutes in the morning (that happened twice) or when she’s falling down stupid drunk when if she gets home. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of her. I don’t want to write any more about this.

What an Ordeal

Feb 13: My mom called yesterday after work and said she missed two buses trying to get a Subway sandwich so she was in a bad mood. She said she was going to the bar before coming home and would be home with dinner in about an hour. Fast forward to past 2 in the morning and I’m trying to sleep when I hear someone screaming. Naturally I think it is the ignorant neighbors upstairs who never stop yelling/stomping around and being the noisy people they are. But no, I realize it’s not when one thing yelled is “Megan”. OMG that damn bitch has done it again. I remember last year she came home so drunk she couldn’t get her key in the door and I had to get up again to let her in, and pick up everything she had dumped outside. This time I found her outside on the floor of the porch herself. All she was doing was yelling and saying the same thing over again “I can’t get up.” Now I thought it could be something serious, like she slipped and fell. But no, it’s only that she couldn’t feel her feet (according to her). Oh gee, I wonder what that could be like, not being able to feel parts of your body… Mom, do you know why you can’t feel your feet? IT’S COLD OUT! Just get inside, problem solved. It’s probably well below 30 out, and she just walked up from the bar, and is drunk no less, that’s why she can’t feel her fucking feet! So I get to go outside in my pajamas and struggle with helping a drunk stand up (not an easy task) and eventually get her in the door. All the bitch keeps saying is “I can’t feel my feet” and yelling. Drunks usually come with a few pre-programmed phrases, they’re like those dolls you pull the string and they repeat the same thing over and over again. Then she tripped over her (mostly) alchie bottles on the way to the couch and and was last seen laying there propped up against the couch still saying she couldn’t feel her feet. It would help if she’d taking her effing shoes off and get her feet out of the damp socks. It would certainly help more than just sitting their and whining about it. But no. And I’m certainly not going to make the attempt. Let this be a lesson to her about the evils of drinking (though if she hasn’t learned it by now she never well). I wont be held responsible either if her toes fall off. And if she ever does this again I’m leaving her outside. But for today I get to deal with this, at… 3 in the morning now. And I’ve had to lock that cat in the room with me so drunky Godzilla doesn’t crush her.

Well, I did end up having to help her after she woke up and started screaming again. This time it was about her back and knee. Well after falling down and then laying on the floor between the coffee table and couch, of course it would be hurting. So I had to get her shoes and socks off and try to help her up, but she didn’t want to help herself. She just kept yelling about it hurting (stupid shit like “owie,” “my backy,” and “meowie”) and that she could do it. If she had put as much effort into getting up as she did complaining about it she would have gotten up a lot sooner. It took forever to get her up, then she hobbled to the bathroom which took forever, then took forever getting undressed, then finally went back to the couch and started crying. So I had to put up with that crap, and finally with her slobbering all over me. I hate drunk people! And I hate it when they cling to me and pet me, and then cry on me. Bleh. I can’t stand to be touched but I had to put up with her crushing me for a while (my ribs hurt and I had trouble breathing because of it, then when I finally got away there were indents from my pajamas all over my arms and sides) before I eventually got her to go to sleep. I think that was around 5 AM, and then I got to go to bed again after 6:30. Now her knees are bruised and swollen because of that, and she’s talking about calling off tomorrow.

This morning I heard my cat getting into stuff and when I finally got up to see what the idiot was doing I found her digging under some stuff. It crossed my mind that it could be a mouse, but I thought it was probably a centipede so I dragged her away and started lifting some of it up to see what was underneath. That’s when a little grey mouse went zooming out from under it and around the corner towards the stove. Yes I screamed, several times too. I like mice, mice are cute, but only when they’re in cages, not when they’re running around your home. After I got it together I had to go after that cat who was in pursuit of her new toy. I didn’t know mice could climb, but he scaled the blanket hanging over the door in the kitchen, then dropped back down and finally went back behind the stove again. It looked like he had something either in his mouth or stuck to him. Allie’s been hunting that mouse for almost two years, and this is the first time I’ve seen him come out. He had gone all over the place in here too. I hope he stays behind the stove now.

I’m sick of Valentines day. Egg Cave is has a Valentine egg, which took me 20 (then 100 more when I had to restart Firefox) tries to find, but there’s a 10 egg viewing limit so I have to wait until tomorrow and hopefully it’ll still be there. Then Dragon Cave has two Valentines eggs, which are impossible to get. Half the time the site doesn’t even load, then by the time it does all the eggs are gone. I’ve never been able to get any egg when they were released so I don’t think I’ll be able to get either of these. There should be a one egg limit for both instead of two, so the greedy people can’t stock up on them while the rest of us don’t get anything. I don’t see why some many idiots on that site think this is fun. How is it fun to sit at a computer for hours at a time, all day long trying to get a couple virtual eggs? It’s not fun, it’s frustrating and painful, and very bad for you. Fighting over 1000 people for 3 eggs? What BS. Edit: After almost 400 eggs, I just found out I got two of this years Val eggs when I checked my scroll. Still no ’09s.

It’s going to be so noisy here soon. Like it’s not enough already. But they’re tearing down the McDonalds and Jiffy Lube in the back and building a bigger McD. The McDonalds execs are idiots. The McDonalds there gets busy, but there’s no way we need a new or bigger one. Not only are we losing our McDonalds for 6+ months, we get to listen to construction starting at the end of this month. It is literally right behind us. Then the street the runs along side us, the one McDonalds is on, it’s going to be getting teared up. I don’t know what’s with all the stupid fucks making these decisions, but they’re going to be doing work on it for miles back. So we also get to hear that, and my mom will be having trouble getting to work since it’s a bus line. It’s a very busy street, I don’t know what people are going to do. It’s the main road to downtown. I hope McD doesn’t close down for a few weeks more. They’ve got Penguins of Madagascar toys. I love that show so I’m going to try to get my mom to get herself a Happy Meal so I can get some.

Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs

Or just coo coo (or would it be koo koo?). Like I said before my mom and Matt-freak broke up again. The same thing happens that always happens. So I’m going to write this and that’s the last I want to hear/think about it because I have enough stress without people acting like children. So I found out yesterday when my aunt called that the idiot left a bunch of her stuff up in boxes at her place, and that he said he was bringing more tomorrow (now today). The first thing I thought was “That %$^&#$% bastard! How are we supposed to get all that down here?!” But because he’s such a gd bastard he doesn’t care. When my mom got home I didn’t want to be the one to tell her so I was going to try to get her to call Cynthia. Didn’t need to. Turns out he left a letter in the mailbox saying what he was going to do, as well as a lot of other stuff. My mom’s reaction was the same as mine, getting all that down here is just no possible. But like I said there was a lot of other stuff in the letter as well, and I only know a little bit of it. I do know his complete insanity comes out in it, and I am not exagerating. This guy seriously needs a psychiatric evaluation. It might seem ridiculous coming from me, but I only have depression, no matter how severe it is, and some OCD, I am not delusional or paranoid. Matt is delusional, paranoid, and a coward. This isn’t coming from my bias against him, but from what I know and have seen it’s obvious. My mother said the letter was extremely hateful, and had awful, awful things in it.

Some of the things he said was that she was broken from the beginning and that he thought he could fix her. Yeah, because she was the one who had just come off from a divorce where her partner had fled across the country with her two kids on a greyhound bus to get away from her (then followed said partner here), and then was living in her sisters basement… oh, wait, that was him. Being around her is like being poisoned, not enough to kill you but you lose a little more of yourself every day, and that spending even more than a weekend with her is like slowly dying, etc, and that he didn’t love her anymore and hated her. Yet my mother says that on Monday he was all over her, so obviously his hatred for her doesn’t stop him from trying to be a dirty whore. He also said that he was changing all the locks and the alarm system, and told his neighbors to call the police if the alarm goes off, and not to call him because he would consider it harassment (I don’t think the law would). Another WTF from the both of us. He actually thinks that she is going to break into his house/stalk him/kill him? Another thing he said was something like despite all that most of the family has been decent to him. I’m guessing Cyndy and I are not included in that, since he knows we both despise him. And yet he claims not to know why this family hates him. Then when he was over Cynthia’s he was offering her chili he made! Cynthia said she didn’t like chili, and he said “you’d like mine, mine is good.” And I’m like don’t take any food from him. And if he says “hey, you want some candy” don’t get in the car, just say you’re not supposed to talk to strangers. She said that today when he was dropping more stuff off again that he was calling her Aunt Cynthia, chatting with her neighbors, and saying hi to everyone he saw like he knows them. He is seriously disturbed. Cynthia said he had some nerve to go around like that, but it’s not nerve because he’s a coward.

For the past 14 years he’s broken up with her in letters and has acted like she’s the crazy one when he does. My mom said the letter was full of typos too. That’s all I know about the letter Cynthia said he was a psychopath, but like I told my mom, he’s not, he’s a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t have it as together as psychopaths do, I psychopath would never act like this, a sociopath would. He is always like this. Like when he was staying with us after following my mom across the country from Arizona to Pittsburgh after they had broken up (again) he was rearranging furniture, doing what he wanted with the internet, etc. Then when I heard him talking about my mom behind her back (and saying things like in the letter, that she wasn’t well and stuff) and told her, right after when passing through my room (the bathroom was connected to my room) he stepped on a little cardboard box of trinkets that I had made (and had painted to look like real wood, it was gorgeous) and then kicked it. I could tell it was no accident. You don’t stomp on something, then kick it across the room on accident, and he did that while I was there. Then he told my mom that I had put his toothbrush in the toilet. He is delusional and extremely paranoid. There is seriously something wrong with him. It runs in his family too. When I was little my mom had to call the police because after another time when they had broken up, his trailer trash sister left a message on our answering machine saying he was going to beat her up/kill her, and had come looking for us, but we weren’t home at the time. He could be a danger to himself, but who cares about that, he more has a high potential to be a danger to others. He would never do anything outright, because he’s a coward, but with the way he’s acting now and has acted in the past it’s clear he’s unstable and could do something bad. My mom said she ripped up the letter, but I think she should have kept it just in case (and to remind her of what a crazy person he is) for legal reasons. There is the question of whether he will move back to Arizona or not. I wish he would. He’s probably going to get fired from his job soon anyway, since he’s been constantly calling off. And he’s this close to having a heart attack, because not only is he old, he has gotten even fatter since I last saw him. He was disgustingly obese then in 2006, with his stomach protruding grotesquely a couple feet out in front of him. I don’t even want to think about how sickening he looks now. Good riddance to him. If it was up to me I would do my best to get a restraining order against him, and get him that psychiatric evaluation, because he clearly needs it.

Back Online

Well I’m back, and much sooner than expected. I was without a computer for about 6 days, counting the half of Thanksgiving and the half of Tuesday. I got my new computer yesterday. We were supposed to go on Monday when my mom had off, but she called late in the afternoon to say she wasn’t feeling well. Then I got a surprise call early Tuesday afternoon with her telling me to get ready to go out to Best Buy since she had called off. Her and Matt had a fight and she didn’t get a lot of sleep, had been crying, etc, so she called off. She says they’ve broken up, then says she hasn’t decided yet, but they’ve been breaking up since I was 5. At the most if they break up it’ll be a couple years, at the least a few months.

Anyway I got ready and then after I was done (an hour later, it takes so much effort now) she said she didn’t know if she wanted to go all the way out to Best Buy after all, and maybe we could go to a restaurant in Dormont instead? I said that I didn’t go through all the trouble of getting ready just to go up the street. So she managed to drag herself out and we took the street car to South Hills Village. Even though they’re overpriced, Best Buy is basically the only tech place we can get to around here, besides the Mac store in the mall near there, but that’s way out of our price range. We can only stare longingly through the windows until the sales people chase us away. It’s good we went out then because at that time she had caught me in one of my mellow moods where I can go either way, and getting out and going to the store put me into a good mood, so I was very receptive and willing to look around. I guess it was a good time, because I haven’t been in an okay mood in a while. The first one we saw was not going to happen, a 160 GB hard drive. I would only accept that if I couldn’t get anything else. She showed me a computer she had seen online, an Asus with a 320 hard drive, 4 GB memory, 64 bit, 16″ widescreen, with a webcam and facial recognition, for $480. I’d never heard of Asus, and preferred a well-known, big name computer like HP or Dell. It was also pretty ugly, so we continued to look around. Then I saw a Toshiba for $430. It had a less features, and was a little smaller, but it was much cuter and cheaper since I also needed to get anti-virus and was hoping to get a wireless router. We couldn’t afford the anti-virus that day (right now I’m using a trial of Norton, I’ll be getting Kaspersky) and decided to hold off on the router and get them at the same time. So here is the laptop I got:

Toshiba – Satellite Laptop with AMD Athlon™ II Dual-Core Processor – Graphite Gray
Windows 7 Home Premium 32-bit (don’t listen to them, Win 7 sucks)
320GB Hard drive (actually 288/270)
15.6″ HD Widescreen
2 hrs battery

I’m so shallow. The pictures on the site do not do it justice. If I had a digital camera (like this crappy but cutie that caught my eye) I would post pictures of it. I also saw these three amazing wireless mouses 1 2 3, that are so expensive but absolutely gorgeous. I love them all, especially #s 2 and 3, but I think the third one would go best with my laptop. After choosing the laptop we had a slight ordeal trying to purchase it. The guy who was checking us out (and who had been giving us advice) was kind of a jerk, and then he couldn’t accept cash and had to send us to someone else. It was then while waiting we decided to hold off on the router. While there we also looked at the cameras, netbooks since my mom wants one, and the computer games since I haven’t had any in years. I think I own two: Sim City 3000 and the first Harry Potter game. I don’t know if any new ones I’d like to buy would play on this laptop, I don’t know what the compatability is for them. So far all the previous software I had Filezilla, VLC, KMP, even Paint Shop Pro installed and appear to work without a problem.

When we were leaving I told my mom I would have to think up a new name for the computer. I had previously decided on Poj, standing for piece of junk, but since I got a “nice” one I couldn’t name it that. Since it’s a Japanese computer I thought it should have a Japanese name, but then there’s the problem of whether a computer is a boy or a girl. I started thinking through names beforehand, mostly from different anime. Haruhiko was one of them, and keeping with the H’s I really love the name Haruka. All of my computers have been boys (except maybe one) and felt that this one was too, so Haruka wasn’t an option. So I changed the ka to ko since it sounds like it could go either way. My new laptops name is Haruko. I don’t know if I’ll be able to name my network, I know on some you can, and I’d like an anime name for that as well. After sifting through some Code Geass ones, I thought it should be tech related, and what anime is more computer and internet related than Serial Experiments Lain? So if I can it’ll probably be Cyberia, the name of the club there, unless I find a different one from it. The only issues I have with the laptop so far is stupid Windows 7, which may be better than Vista, but not XP, the touchpad/mouse, the internet cord not staying in, and that I’m forced to use a screen resolution of 1366 x 768 instead of my preferred 1024×768. Everything looks so much better in 1024×768.

When we got home we stopped at McDonalds and I got an Angus Third Pounder since I haven’t had one in a while because of my throat, and was bad and had 1 1/2 pops to get the burger and fries down, since its so hard to eat with water. I’d want to try their hot chocolate too, even though I’ve never liked hot chocolate when I’ve had it. Too watery. Hopefully theirs would be different.